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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been with my wife since I was 18 years old now 45 we have certainly had our share of ups and downs . I’ve just come to the point I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired, No intimacy..No affection, no deep kissing even when I was allowed to have sex with her, very dominate no bargaining women . We almost got a divorce at 31 because it was mostly we where just leading separate lives and I was hanging with my buddies to much. I was devastated when she wanted a divorce then and she was done. I balled for days on end because I knew it was mostly due to me being stupid. Then after several months she decided she wanted me back and I came running. After a year we where back on the no intimacy path again and we now have an 8 year old boy. About 8 months ago I just gave up and decided I was just going to do my own thing and then work up the courage to leave the marriage. I was tired of begging her to hold my hand / cuddle / or sit by me on the couch for a movie. In the process of my withdrawal I messed up and met someone before I had got out of my marriage. Yes I know let the bashing begin !!!! I should have waited to finish this relationship before I started another one…I told my wife I was not in –love with her anymore and that I didn’t have feelings for her anymore and just wanted a marriage of happiness and enrichment and I was tired of trying to make it work . She went through a short period of anger then she did a complete turn around …wants to cuddle hold hands go on motorcycle rides go dancing gets up fixes my breakfast massages just everything yadda yadda yadda things I have been trying to get her to do for 10 years begging to no avail.. I got us in counseling and that seems to help us deal with it. I tried to break it off with the OW from whom I have fallen for deeply and she agreed but I am having the hardest time letting her go…Only reason the OW saw me was because I convinced her I was leaving my marriage and I was just trying to get finances, and child rearing set up as well as getting my wife to a place I felt comfortable before I left and that she wouldn’t go nuts.

Again I just can’t figure out the change in my wife just like she flipped a switch. She apologized profusely to me for the years of neglect and taking advantage and begs me to give her another chance…she says she realizes how perfect I was and what a wonderful man I am and it is totally her mistake…she has also said she believes I have had an affair but doesn’t seem to care about it I have been trying hard ,(profusely) to try to get some sort of spark back for her trying the fake it till you make it approach but its just not happening . I really think I haven’t been in-love for long I can’t just flip a switch like she did and be madly in-love again …my question is will I ever get the love back for her again. I know I fell deeply for the OW and ive put her off to work on this but I really don’t want to lose her even though there is a large age difference between us we just click so well intellectually and we seem so compatible …I just don’t know how long I should keep trying with my wife before I throw in the towel? Does anyone have any recommendations how long I should keep trying…we are doing everything together and my wife is extremely attractive blond 115 lbs gorgeous always gets hit on every time we go out but she just doesn’t do it for me anymore… I don’t know how long I can keep trying??
 

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As long as you can say 'I really don't want to lose her' (meaning the OW), then nothing will get better with your wife. You will be constantly be comparing her to the OW and she will always come up short, because that's what you're hoping for.

Until you get the OW out of your mind completely, you cannot fully give yourself to your wife and your marriage. Plain and simple.
 

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but she just doesn’t do it for me anymore… I don’t know how long I can keep trying??
Try for what? You're done with the marriage right now. Plus being with the OW has messed you up big time. Tell your wife and move on.

As to why they change, sometimes it takes a disaster to get us moving in the right direction. But most of the time that change is short term only.
 

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You are robbing your marriage of the true chance of improving by cheating. And your are robbing your son too.

Your wife was wrong for treating you badly. But you let her.

Now you are very wrong and damaging the relationship more by cheating.


You have a chance at a great relationship with your wife. Come clean. Go completely no contact with the OW and be accountable to your wife. Give her all your passwords and change your Ph number if needed and email address. Start focusing on your wife. Spend lots of time together and start giving to each other.

Put firm boundaries in place on acceptable behaviour for both of you. No cheating and no ignoring each others needs. Continue with counselling.


Of course the other woman seems more exciting and wonderful. You don't live together and it's a shiney new relationship.

Most people after divorce regret not working harder to save their marriages.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks everyone all great comments i really know there is no good way out of a bad situation I created ... I just wish I could stay and work it out with the wife it would be so much easier .. Iam trying to get the ow out of my mind ... I planning on keep going to counseling and trying hard idle two more months then if it ain't there ill prolly move on :(
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well here I am two months later and have been going to counseling …Still feel miserable ….I think for me its just been too much water under the bridge …I am just not getting my feelings back for my wife and its so so sad and I feel so sorry for her …she has such high moral standards and such a respectful responsible person.

What’s worse as I have been trying so hard to work on us she has been mislead to think we where doing so much better until last night when I told her a little that I still do not have all the feelings back for her …She broke down so so hard….I hate myself for not wanting to stay with her and wanting another separation … Why would someone want to leave a marriage of comfort with a beautiful respectful wife who would now do anything for me to go be alone / be broke , live with a lot less living standards and break up a home ….just doesn’t make any sense to me ???

I think the only thing I can come up with is just to much time has past and want a fulfilling marriage if I ever meet that person… The OW is also still heavy on my mind but the reality is those rarely work out after an affair and there is such a large gap in age, but I would take her back in heart beat …But looking at it she was kind of a crow bar but you don’t have to marry the crowbar I know…I think iam just gonna ask for another separation for 30 days then just make a decision …she will be horribly distraught she has already started antidepressants… and lastly why am I hanging on to my wife and not wanting it to end ? maybe I am just being selfish or maybe I am hoping to wish she was the women for me …I just don’t want to settle for an ok humdrum marriage with someone I only Dane to be with …even if it means not having anyone I guess…I will still always care about her if she is ill or needs anything …I feel I will always deeply love her in that way …I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me and why cant I just be content….I just don’t care to be around her for long periods at a time and sometimes to be even more awful I cant even stand to carry on a conversation with her … I am so stupid ….
 

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My wife is a lot like you wife. No affection, hand holding, no hugs yada yada yada. We are both 45 and have been together since we were 25, minus a 6 month break-up early on in our relationship. When she would call me to see what was going on, I’d talk about some dates I had. Well she wanted to come back in a heartbeat all loving and caring. I thought she changed. So I broke it off with the other women.

Eventually the love waned again and the affection slowed. After 8 years of living together we got married anyway. Now we have a 9 year old.

I haven’t had an affair, but there is a woman of interest. Being that I am married, she just complements me a lot…That could be all it is though.

So…I recently told my wife I wanted to separate and I would stay with a friend. Like your wife, mine did that same. She is more loving, caring, sexual, and she even sits by me on the couch. She initiates sex more than ever before.

It’s hard for me to believe this will continue. I am not sure if I really love her or if I see her more as a friend. I do know that I don’t mind when I work late and I don’t get a chance to spend time with her.
My wife is still my best friend and the mother of our child.

Are you hanging on to the marriage because you don’t want to lose your best friend?

Maybe it took you cheating to wake her up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Wow your story sounds almost identical to mine ….I am just scared that I might be making a big mistake and look back in ten years on regret …but like you we just haven’t jelled for so so long and like you it is hard to let go of you’re friend I don’t know why I even feel this way because deep down I know I don’t care for her in the way that I should and like you again I really don’t want to spend that much time with her as well …don’t know if the change in her is real anyway I think its well intended and we have been going out on dates but its just not the same for me …I think I just need to pull the plug really …plus I hate all the hurt I am going to cause her and my son that’s one of the biggest concerns as my wife has low self esteem anyway…but she is extremely attractive looks 10 years younger very good personality …she will find someone no doubt …but it is what it is I just need to man up ..: (
 

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Why would someone want to leave a marriage of comfort with a beautiful respectful wife who would now do anything for me to go be alone / be broke , live with a lot less living standards and break up a home ….just doesn’t make any sense to me ?

I don't want to live alone

I don't want to be away from my daughter

I don't want to live in a shack or share a space with a friend. That could ruin a friendship!

I don't want to hurt my wife. She is the best thing that has happened to me. Sometimes I just forget that.


maybe I am just being selfish or maybe I am hoping to wish she was the women for me …I just don’t want to settle for an ok humdrum marriage with someone I only Dane to be with …even if it means not having anyone I guess

the affair was selfish and your wife must really be hurt from it. Maybe she is willing to grow from your mistake.

I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me and why cant I just be content.
Sometimes I feel like an idiot myself


I am working on bringing a spark to the marriage. I don’t think there was one to begin with. I want there to be one. I just bought a book , how to create chemistry with anyone. By Leil Lowndes. Glancing through the book, I realize that I have to create the chemistry if I want to stay married.

for some reason, you chose your wife and have been together for 27 years. There must be something there.

Did you have the A in hopes that she would leave you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It sound like you are getting there and man I hope it works out for you …damn I really do you know as well as I do that would be a much easier path to follow…the reality is I wish I felt for her at least an ¼ of what I feel for the OW…it tore me up when I broke it off with her but I wanted to give my marriage another try since SHE had changed so much and tried I figured I would …after that I said to myself if the OW would ever give me another shot I would probably just go for it …I know its selfish but iam honest ….

Yes I was hoping she would make it easy but she has not shes worked really hard not threatening ,,,kind/ loving ,,,sexual, dating , but I do see some of her dominate traits she’s not perfect but she’s trying …yes I could go on with her but I don’t think I would be happy in the long run and i aint getting any younger ...

So is it working for you ? i dont know if you can just build chemistry with two people ..I think u got it or you dont espicially at first ...has to be some attraction vie emotional and/or phsyical
 

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It sounds to me like she realized she was going to lose the life she is used to and has panicked. I somehow doubt that the change would continue if you two stay together. You admit to loss of love on your part, not to mention your strong feelings for someone else. I dont believe that you can "create" chemistry with someone, its either there or it isnt, and it sounds like maybe the kindest thing you two can do for each other is to go your separate ways.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
iam so friggen scared of this proccess ...I moved out been gone almost 30 days will end march 7th ....my wife is ready and willing to take me back but i just dont know why ive been dragging this out for too too long and just need to decide ...the OW came back in to the picture but i know she is a long shot i.e. early 20's drop dead beutiful ****y and she knows it ...i know thats got me jacked up big time...(but idc what anyone says i was out of love way before she hit the scene)... i know i just have to do the D knowing the OW wont be a part of my life ...i really dont know why this guilt keeps me hanging on and keeps her not being able to move on ...so unfair on my part ...idk maybe ill get an enlightened soon ....i know i care for her ...how can you not after 27 years togetehr ...I think that 3Xnocharm has kinda put it in perspective ...i wish everyone well
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well an update /// still struggling after living on my own for a year and having the OW in my life as well,,,its been hell with her as well trying to juggle her and my son and the wife ,,,iam surprised iam still alive frankly :) so the wife knows everything about the O W pictures on FB her age how long we’ve been dating everything...i told her that she needs to just let me go and she still won’t says she doesn’t care about the affair but just wants me back ,,,but of course i gotta stop seeing the OW ..and that has been no picnic because of her age her beauty and my sometimes jealousy,,,plus the OW doesn’t trust me to much because I have not been up front with her about the whole process and found texts from other girls hitting on me that used to be my friends but I got rid of them as soon as they crossed the line ...anyway I never EVER thought this could go on so long...I can’t believe my poor wife is holding on to me after everything I’ve done she is litterly dying for me to give our marriage another try,,,so again iam back to the same old question try to work it out or stay with the OW ... the OW loves me dearly and it’s been 17 months of knowing her and again she’s madly in love with me but a handful and a controlling little thing always wants to know where aim at and what aim doing and she’s moody as heck but I love that little girl and aim so sooo attracted to her we are amazing together when we r not trying to kill each other hahah so this is the BS I’ve put myself in and I love the OW but I still care deeply and guilty / sorry for my wife and I feel I could have it made so easily if I just went back home but iam not physically attracted to my wife… iam strongly considering going back home but I just can’t give up my baby girl who I know if I stay with her its gonna be a hard road for one we are 25 years apart in age I know it’s crazy but she doesn’t care and I don’t either shes on a scholarship in nursing school and its her last year she wants a life with me no doubt but I have reservations…I would litterly devastate her as well if I pulled the plug on us …geeze iam so jacked right now gonna try to see a counselor this week as well again just me …ive gotta make a decision this week because the wife has kind of gave me an ultimatum
 

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Well an update /// still struggling after living on my own for a year and having the OW in my life as well,,,its been hell with her as well trying to juggle her and my son and the wife ,,,iam surprised iam still alive frankly :) so the wife knows everything about the O W pictures on FB her age how long we’ve been dating everything...i told her that she needs to just let me go and she still won’t says she doesn’t care about the affair but just wants me back ,,,but of course i gotta stop seeing the OW ..and that has been no picnic because of her age her beauty and my sometimes jealousy,,,plus the OW doesn’t trust me to much because I have not been up front with her about the whole process and found texts from other girls hitting on me that used to be my friends but I got rid of them as soon as they crossed the line ...anyway I never EVER thought this could go on so long...I can’t believe my poor wife is holding on to me after everything I’ve done she is litterly dying for me to give our marriage another try,,,so again iam back to the same old question try to work it out or stay with the OW ... the OW loves me dearly and it’s been 17 months of knowing her and again she’s madly in love with me but a handful and a controlling little thing always wants to know where aim at and what aim doing and she’s moody as heck but I love that little girl and aim so sooo attracted to her we are amazing together when we r not trying to kill each other hahah so this is the BS I’ve put myself in and I love the OW but I still care deeply and guilty / sorry for my wife and I feel I could have it made so easily if I just went back home but iam not physically attracted to my wife… iam strongly considering going back home but I just can’t give up my baby girl who I know if I stay with her its gonna be a hard road for one we are 25 years apart in age I know it’s crazy but she doesn’t care and I don’t either shes on a scholarship in nursing school and its her last year she wants a life with me no doubt but I have reservations…I would litterly devastate her as well if I pulled the plug on us …geeze iam so jacked right now gonna try to see a counselor this week as well again just me …ive gotta make a decision this week because the wife has kind of gave me an ultimatum
GFL,
Looks like 2 women in your life are tearing you apart...your wife and your gf are fighting for you and that probably contributes a lot to your ego ;)

From what you described it looks like you cannot make a rational decision - you need to distance yourself from both of them, clear you head and then decide.

My advice would be - set up a deadline for yourself - not the one your wife or your gf dictate. If your wife gave you "kind" of ultimatum - tell her she can go and file for D. Tell her the date when you will come back with your decision. If she files - so, it will be easier for you but I doubt she would.

I don't know how sincere is your wife in her drastic changes - if they are permanent or it's just temporary measure to get you back - you need to find out.

Your gf is way too young - 25 years is a huge difference - and way too controlling and insecure. Maybe good for a fling but you should reconsider that from long term prospective...

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
GFL,
Looks like 2 women in your life are tearing you apart...your wife and your gf are fighting for you and that probably contributes a lot to your ego ;)

From what you described it looks like you cannot make a rational decision - you need to distance yourself from both of them, clear you head and then decide.

My advice would be - set up a deadline for yourself - not the one your wife or your gf dictate. If your wife gave you "kind" of ultimatum - tell her she can go and file for D. Tell her the date when you will come back with your decision. If she files - so, it will be easier for you but I doubt she would.

I don't know how sincere is your wife in her drastic changes - if they are permanent or it's just temporary measure to get you back - you need to find out.

Your gf is way too young - 25 years is a huge difference - and way too controlling and insecure. Maybe good for a fling but you should reconsider that from long term prospective...

Good luck!
Thank you so much for you're response it sounds like I need to do just that this has been dragging on way too long and Iam just burnt thanks again
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Your wife changed to avoid losing you. Once she has you back, I'll bet she'll return to her old ways. Perhaps it's a real, permanent change, but without a reason other than fear to motivate her, what IS the real reason?
 
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Stay with the OW.

Your wife starved you of affection for a decade, and then initiated divorce because you were hanging out with your buds too much???

Huh?! :scratchhead:

Naw... D your wife and move on.

Your idiot wife got what she wanted: freedom. But instead of withering away and dying in pain and lonlieness like you were supposed to, you did something you weren't supposed to do: you traded up for a better, more loving woman. You didn't play by your wife's rules, you threw her for a loop, and caught her on her blind side with a haymaker....

Now she's panicked and trying to do what she can to extricate herself from the mess she made.

This decision to me is a no-brainer. Your wife is play-acting. As soon as you dump the OW and go back to the hag, your wife will revert back to her old ways faster than you can spit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Stay with the OW.

Your wife starved you of affection for a decade, and then initiated divorce because you were hanging out with your buds too much???

Huh?! :scratchhead:

Naw... D your wife and move on.


Your idiot wife got what she wanted: freedom. But instead of withering away and dying in pain and lonlieness like you were supposed to, you did something you weren't supposed to do: you traded up for a better, more loving woman. You didn't play by your wife's rules, you threw her for a loop, and caught her on her blind side with a haymaker....

Now she's panicked and trying to do what she can to extricate herself from the mess she made.

This decision to me is a no-brainer. Your wife is play-acting. As soon as you dump the OW and go back to the hag, your wife will revert back to her old ways faster than you can spit.

Thanks for all the good advice I love this board and all the unselfish people giving their time to comment ,, thank you all so much!!
Yea she's found God and I think the change may be sincere but I've lost the attraction along the way and I just need to man up either way it's the limbo that's killing me and my / her potential to move on. Again so much great advice thanks everyone
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