Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I’m very new to this but I’m ready to give up... My husband sits In Front of the tv for 8 hours a day playing video games. We do not speak. He can’t tear himself away from it even when his family comes to visit. He’s completely awkward when speaking to me if he notices I’m there at all but is non stop chatter when his headphones are on. He ignores the kids. Does little to nothing around the house. When I finally get fed up he verbally abuses me. I don’t know what to do.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
43,577 Posts
This is a problem that is becoming more and more common.

Some more info would be helpful, so I have some questions.

Does your husband have a job?

Do you have a job or are you a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)?

You say that it's non-stop chatter. So is he online talking to other people who are also gaming?

How long has he being doing this?

How long have the two of you been married and how long are the two of you?

It's almost 3 am here where I live... so i need to get some sleep. I'll check on your thread here when I'm back online.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Is this since lockdown? Or has he always been a video game addict?

That's not really acceptable.

That neither.
So when you "get fed up", how exactly do you show it?
He’s always been a gamer but he could somewhat control it when he was working. ImWhen I get fed up I confront him. Ask him how much is enough, when will he put effort into our marriage and children. Then he explodes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
This is a problem that is becoming more and more common.

Some more info would be helpful, so I have some questions.

Does your husband have a job?

Do you have a job or are you a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)?

You say that it's non-stop chatter. So is he online talking to other people who are also gaming?

How long has he being doing this?

How long have the two of you been married and how long are the two of you?

It's almost 3 am here where I live... so i need to get some sleep. I'll check on your thread here when I'm back online.
We have been married for 6 years. We are both home due to lay-offs for Covid-19. Yes the non stop chatter is with his online friends. It is a complete nightmare. I hate my marriage. I’m starting to resent him. I carry the load of keeping our home in motion. I am at the point of wanting completely out. I can’t talk to him or anyone it seems. It’s so lonely.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
He’s always been a gamer but he could somewhat control it when he was working. ImWhen I get fed up I confront him. Ask him how much is enough, when will he put effort into our marriage and children. Then he explodes.
It has gotten out of control since the lockdown.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,495 Posts
Leave him. This isn’t a marriage, he is completely selfish.
My wife spends the majority of her awake and non working time reading romance novels on her kindle. Not even good stuff. In order to contain costs she has a kindle unlimited account. I seperated our amazon accounts so I didn't have to see her shopping suggestions. I'm pretty certain that there is no enough.

Sometimes I feel guilty for spending a few hours gaming, but really there is no one to give it up for.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,659 Posts
My wife spends the majority of her awake and non working time reading romance novels on her kindle. Not even good stuff. In order to contain costs she has a kindle unlimited account. I seperated our amazon accounts so I didn't have to see her shopping suggestions. I'm pretty certain that there is no enough.

Sometimes I feel guilty for spending a few hours gaming, but really there is no one to give it up for.
8hrs is a lot of gaming. But when you actually ignore your loved ones because Of it is the real problem.
This guy needs a reality check. You shouldn’t be taken your spouse for granted or else they will be gone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,875 Posts
... so now you know THAT doesn't work. What else could you try?
An all-expense paid trip to the curb, courtesy of the OP's left foot. That's what she should try.

Who the hell wants to be married to a lazy, obnoxious, abusive, moronic fool with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old boy?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,224 Posts
I’m very new to this but I’m ready to give up... My husband sits In Front of the tv for 8 hours a day playing video games. We do not speak. He can’t tear himself away from it even when his family comes to visit. He’s completely awkward when speaking to me if he notices I’m there at all but is non stop chatter when his headphones are on. He ignores the kids. Does little to nothing around the house. When I finally get fed up he verbally abuses me. I don’t know what to do.
This is a easy one. Tell your H the video games go or your go. And mean it! That worked in my marriage. Don't let your H claim it is a "hobby". Hobbies do not take up 8 hours a day. Obsessions do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,108 Posts
"Husband, pick: video games 2 hours or less a day like a grown up, or divorce. At this point, I'm hoping you pick divorce."

Then just walk away. Get a lawyer and all that stuff sorted, because he's not going to pick you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,251 Posts
He is obviously immature and has no self-control.
He needs to agree to gaming ONLY during certain hours and for a certain amount of time:
2 hours between 1PM and 3PM daily.
Other than THAT he needs to be engaged with the family and things that need to be done around the house.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
He is obviously immature and has no self-control.
He needs to agree to gaming ONLY during certain hours and for a certain amount of time:
2 hours between 1PM and 3PM daily.
Other than THAT he needs to be engaged with the family and things that need to be done around the house.
I gotta go with Marduk on this one.

Good for you to be addressing sooner rather than later.

Just one more time: You've got to be clear to H the amount of time in video games combined with demonstrated lack of his desire to interact with family isn't creating a normal family life and you'll leave him to his video games if he wants them more than a relationship.

And have a plan. Ask him to leave the house.

Act as soon as he waffles if making a big deal about the choice. That indicates he'll not be making a decision to stay because he loves you but out of inconvenience if separating.

Save yourself.

Then you can look back and know you did all that could be done, and you'll start to heal faster.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
43,577 Posts
Lauriea777,

I agree with the others here. Ultimatums should be given very sparingly in a marriage, but this is one of the rare times when it's needed.

Gaming over 2 hours a day is excessive for a married man with children. Even 2 hours a day can be excessive under some circumstances.

I've been through this with a husband who lost his job due to 9/11. After that he was online gaming every waking hour of the day. He never really looked for another job. He ignored his children (he had 100% custody of his 2 children from his first marriage), he ignored me, the house, everything.

I finally made him see a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with AD/HD which he has always had and with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The psychiatrist told me that they have found that people with AD/HD often develop OCD from computer gaming. It has to do with how it messes with their brain. The doc put him on meds for AD/HD & OCD and he went to weekly appointments for a while. The only difference I could see that that meds made was that they helped him concentrate even better on the gaming. After a few months he stopped the meds and the appointments.

By the way, I went to the first psychiatrist appointment with my husband. After talking to us for a while, he looked at me and said, I can understand why he's married to you; but i cannot understand why you are still married to him.

I divorced him in 2012 because this never stopped the computer gaming. I only stayed with him that long because I was not going to put his 2 children and my son through yet another divorce. So once they all graduated from high school I filed for divorce.

There are two books that I think would help you in gaining confidence in what to say to him about what you need from him. When you give him the ultimatum, you need to be ready to tell him what you need. And you seem a bit unsure about what you can rightly expect/demand. The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Steve Harley. They are a quick read. Read them in that order and do the work they say to do.

Then, give him the ultimatum. If he responds with wanting to work on the marriage, you will be ready to talk to him about it in very clear terms. And give him the books and tell him to read them and then the two of you do the work the books suggest together.

For example, per the books, his gaming is a love buster so he has to stop it except for some set number of hours a day. And he can not even play for those hours until he's spend 15 hours a week with you in quality time, until he's done his fair share of caring for his children, housework, cooking, etc.

If he cannot do that, then just file for divorce as soon as you can. In the mean time do nothing for him. Do you do his laundry? Stop doing it. He's a big boy and can do his own laundry. Do you pick up after him? Stop it. Get a box and just throw anything he leaves around in the box. When it is filled and he's not put the stuff away, throw it all away (you can store anything that is actually valuable). Don't cook for him. He can live on whatever he can throw together. Just take care of yourself and your children.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
43,577 Posts
On another note. Can you hear what he's talking about with the other gamers? Does it sound like he's talking to other men, or is he talking with women?
 
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Top