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He is 35, I just turned 30.I have maintained my weight and looks despite having a child and am considered pretty and sexy looking (32DD with 25 waist and 38 hip/ass ratio at 5'2" with nice face). We have 1 child together. Together 6-7ish years.
Problem:
Husband makes excuses like he feels ill (says he has IBS) or is too tired to avoid sex. This happens at all times of the day (I try to initiate). In fact, sometimes if I get all dressed up in lingerie and want to do something he like freezes up and 9/10 times turns it down. The only time we have sex is when he initiattes which is always in bed when we are about to sleep bu just like touching one of my breasts... that is it and thinks that is all I need so he can push me ontop of him and go for like 5 minutes... this is not how it always was but it has been this way for like 3 years now and I am over it. HOWEVER when we go on vacations he has sex the whole time like one to 3 times a day and acts differently so I think he is so full of shhhh using excuses at home and leads me to believe he is cheating, going to strip clubs, and at times I seriously question his sexual preference (if he is straight only because I honestly do not think straight men would turn me down in lingerie trying to initiate in a variety of ways). I have found his browser info on his phone showing he watches porn almost daily to whack off so he is purposely choosing that.
So I tell myself he is just lazy and contemplate staying together for the sake of our child. I also discovered that if I pretend to cheat on chats or he sees me flirt in person, he then will want to have sex but becomes angry with me, but I do this because I know I will get sex out of it from him. I am at a point where I try to open up discussion of an open relationship so I can get what I need, but he always says no he is monogamous only which I think is total BS, he is purposely not having sex with me and looking at porn. I have asked men in person about this and they all say it is not normal but I don't know if they are honest or maybe even blind to their own behaviors. Are there men out there who maintain interest in their wife after 5 years honestly or would I just be leaving to do the whole thing over again?Thoughts?
the same situation...
 

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Ok this sounds fishy to me. First of all, if you are as pretty/sexy as you claim, with a clear and present sex drive not afraid to tell him what you want - then yes this is a problem with him. I suspect you are right that the health issues are not the problem at home just given what you described about vacation sex.

So....like others have said, he needs to knock it off with the porn and masturbating. He’s likely spending his sexual energy elsewhere and not having any left for you. And when he does, its selfish and at inconvenient times. It’s also possible he has other sexual outlets and is somehow getting the bulk of his sexual needs met some other way. If that is the case, then I am so sorry. Again its not about you, this has nothing to do with how attractive you are or your weight or anything like that.

Don’t let him use anger to push you around. State your needs and desires, setup a therapy plan, work on clear communication about your expectations and what you need. If he does not participate and will not work on the issues, then more serious consequences may be required.
 

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Raw details:
He is 35, I just turned 30.I have maintained my weight and looks despite having a child and am considered pretty and sexy looking (32DD with 25 waist and 38 hip/ass ratio at 5'2" with nice face). We have 1 child together. Together 6-7ish years.
Problem:
Husband makes excuses like he feels ill (says he has IBS) or is too tired to avoid sex. This happens at all times of the day (I try to initiate). In fact, sometimes if I get all dressed up in lingerie and want to do something he like freezes up and 9/10 times turns it down. The only time we have sex is when he initiattes which is always in bed when we are about to sleep bu just like touching one of my breasts... that is it and thinks that is all I need so he can push me ontop of him and go for like 5 minutes... this is not how it always was but it has been this way for like 3 years now and I am over it. HOWEVER when we go on vacations he has sex the whole time like one to 3 times a day and acts differently so I think he is so full of shhhh using excuses at home and leads me to believe he is cheating, going to strip clubs, and at times I seriously question his sexual preference (if he is straight only because I honestly do not think straight men would turn me down in lingerie trying to initiate in a variety of ways). I have found his browser info on his phone showing he watches porn almost daily to whack off so he is purposely choosing that.
So I tell myself he is just lazy and contemplate staying together for the sake of our child. I also discovered that if I pretend to cheat on chats or he sees me flirt in person, he then will want to have sex but becomes angry with me, but I do this because I know I will get sex out of it from him. I am at a point where I try to open up discussion of an open relationship so I can get what I need, but he always says no he is monogamous only which I think is total BS, he is purposely not having sex with me and looking at porn. I have asked men in person about this and they all say it is not normal but I don't know if they are honest or maybe even blind to their own behaviors. Are there men out there who maintain interest in their wife after 5 years honestly or would I just be leaving to do the whole thing over again?Thoughts?
Hi, I'm really sorry. That is a common situation in marriage, in part because desire wanes in men over time, and in part because people do grow tired of each other. The way I see it -- either man or woman -- when we are married we are one flesh, and we have a responsibility to share intimate affection with the other. That means even when you are not very excited, you share your body to please your partner. Your body justly belongs to the other person (within reason of course) in the marriage bed. I believe couples should go into marriage with that understanding -- withholding affection is wrong.

I have been married over ten years, and we still have regular intimacy in bed. I can't say I have the same level of desire as when I was 19, but I still have desire. I maintain my desire for my wife, even though we have been together all these years. We make love freely, and neither one of us refuses the other. If she has been up all night caring for the kids, and is too tired, I usually understand, and I take a rain check and we do it the following night. If I really want it anyway, she understands and gives it to me.

We enjoy making love, but we also treat our intimacy as a responsibility, and I'd advise anyone to do that. We are not wholly autonomous in marriage. We have obligations to the other. That sounds boring to some, but it doesn't matter -- it is fair and just. You husband should not be neglecting you physically. It's wrong.

Do not consider divorce over this, as marriage is for life by its very nature. It is terrible and harmful to tear it apart. Work on it, and do your best without pressuring him. Come to him with gentleness and respect, but make the problem known and your needs known. There are factors at here at work well above our personal feelings -- those are principles God has put in place: you each should know you owe affection to the other. Even if you don't really like it in the moment, learn to like it for your partner's sake.

I'd be happy to message you about it if you'd write me. I can also speak with your husband about the matter, and encourage him to do the right thing.
 

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It sounds typical to me. First it is not you. You sound like a knockout. But men are different and get bored. Porn offers him a variety and without such variety he will not be able to climax especially as his drive falls with age. If he is a good guy and treats you well in every other way, just watch the porn with him and use it to spice things up. One night you pick then he picks what to watch to get you both in the mood. This is not worth breaking a good marriage up over.
 

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Hi, I'm really sorry. That is a common situation in marriage, in part because desire wanes in men over time, and in part because people do grow tired of each other. The way I see it -- either man or woman -- when we are married we are one flesh, and we have a responsibility to share intimate affection with the other. That means even when you are not very excited, you share your body to please your partner. Your body justly belongs to the other person (within reason of course) in the marriage bed. I believe couples should go into marriage with that understanding -- withholding affection is wrong.

I have been married over ten years, and we still have regular intimacy in bed. I can't say I have the same level of desire as when I was 19, but I still have desire. I maintain my desire for my wife, even though we have been together all these years. We make love freely, and neither one of us refuses the other. If she has been up all night caring for the kids, and is too tired, I usually understand, and I take a rain check and we do it the following night. If I really want it anyway, she understands and gives it to me.

We enjoy making love, but we also treat our intimacy as a responsibility, and I'd advise anyone to do that. We are not wholly autonomous in marriage. We have obligations to the other. That sounds boring to some, but it doesn't matter -- it is fair and just. You husband should not be neglecting you physically. It's wrong.

Do not consider divorce over this, as marriage is for life by its very nature. It is terrible and harmful to tear it apart. Work on it, and do your best without pressuring him. Come to him with gentleness and respect, but make the problem known and your needs known. There are factors at here at work well above our personal feelings -- those are principles God has put in place: you each should know you owe affection to the other. Even if you don't really like it in the moment, learn to like it for your partner's sake.

I'd be happy to message you about it if you'd write me. I can also speak with your husband about the matter, and encourage him to do the right thing.
Great post and I fully agree. How would you approach the subject with your wife if she only had sex when you initiated and she just so happened to be in the mood, otherwise you’d be rejected.

Or if you expressed to your wife that you were feeling horny whilst she was on her period and she told you she had to be drunk to perform a bj and you’ve got your own hands to help yourself out.
 

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Raw details:
He is 35, I just turned 30.I have maintained my weight and looks despite having a child and am considered pretty and sexy looking (32DD with 25 waist and 38 hip/ass ratio at 5'2" with nice face). We have 1 child together. Together 6-7ish years.
Problem:
Husband makes excuses like he feels ill (says he has IBS) or is too tired to avoid sex. This happens at all times of the day (I try to initiate). In fact, sometimes if I get all dressed up in lingerie and want to do something he like freezes up and 9/10 times turns it down. The only time we have sex is when he initiattes which is always in bed when we are about to sleep bu just like touching one of my breasts... that is it and thinks that is all I need so he can push me ontop of him and go for like 5 minutes... this is not how it always was but it has been this way for like 3 years now and I am over it. HOWEVER when we go on vacations he has sex the whole time like one to 3 times a day and acts differently so I think he is so full of shhhh using excuses at home and leads me to believe he is cheating, going to strip clubs, and at times I seriously question his sexual preference (if he is straight only because I honestly do not think straight men would turn me down in lingerie trying to initiate in a variety of ways). I have found his browser info on his phone showing he watches porn almost daily to whack off so he is purposely choosing that.
So I tell myself he is just lazy and contemplate staying together for the sake of our child. I also discovered that if I pretend to cheat on chats or he sees me flirt in person, he then will want to have sex but becomes angry with me, but I do this because I know I will get sex out of it from him. I am at a point where I try to open up discussion of an open relationship so I can get what I need, but he always says no he is monogamous only which I think is total BS, he is purposely not having sex with me and looking at porn. I have asked men in person about this and they all say it is not normal but I don't know if they are honest or maybe even blind to their own behaviors. Are there men out there who maintain interest in their wife after 5 years honestly or would I just be leaving to do the whole thing over again?Thoughts?
I really hope you both can work through this because it’s sad to see a marriage broken because of selfishness instead of compromising, especially with a child together. He sounds comfortable with the situation. I'd say make him desire and work for you again, instead of offering yourself on a platter. Engage in self pleasure in his presence and don't allow him to participate. He should get the picture then...if not, bigger problems exist
 

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My exH used to berate me for wanting sex. He once told me I was sex maniac because I wanted sex more than once a year. LOL That was his way of trying to get me to back off because in reality he didn't want sex with me as he was gay. If your husband is watching straight porn I doubt he's gay but something is off. It sounds like he's jerking off too much and he has uptight ideas about sex. He might also just be so stressed that sex is not something he desires, hence the increased desire for it on vacation when he's no longer stressed out.

Doesn't matter what the actual issue is...he needs to know that you need him to fix it. Tell him that monogamy and celibacy do not go together so he'd better figure things out or he's going to lose you.
 

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What the heck is wrong with all these men ignoring their wives?

How is watching porn, and masturbating, better than real live sex with your wife?

I'm stuck with a wife with LD and would love to be in a marriage with a wife that wears sexy lingerie and initiates.

Goldarn it men, get a clue! There'll be plenty of time for porn, when you are sitting in a wheel chair, with no willing wife to be found.

🤦
 

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What the heck is wrong with all these men ignoring their wives?

How is watching porn, and masturbating, better than real live sex with your wife?

I'm stuck with a wife with LD and would love to be in a marriage with a wife that wears sexy lingerie and initiates.

Goldarn it men, get a clue! There'll be plenty of time for porn, when you are sitting in a wheel chair, with no willing wife to be found.

🤦
I tend to agree.

If were to meet someone that wanted to watch porn with me and dress up in lingerie and have an active and robust sex life and that was relationship material, I'd probably be in the lawyer's office drawing up divorce papers and looking for an apartment the next day.

I think a lot of men are simply drones and duds, no real soul or purpose.

Is porn a part of it - probably. The thing about porn though is it is a lazy man's sex partner.

You don't have to talk to it. don't have to take it on dates. Don't have to be nice to it's friends and family. Don't have to take care of it when it's sick. You don't have to give it children and change their diapers and clean up their puke. You don't even have to pretend to be nice to it or pretend to be a good person. You don't have to seduce it and give it foreplay. You don't have to learn what it likes and what it doesn't like. You don't have to give it orgasms.

All you do is pull up whatever you're in the mood for at that time and whip out your tallywhacker and take care of your own business and then get back to whatever you were doing and completely ignore it until you want to drain the tank again.

I don't think it's an addiction. Calling it an addiction makes it sound like it's some kind of disease or condition that needs to be accomidated and dealt with.

It's not a disease. It's laziness and lack of effort and not wanting to do the work.

This guy is not sick in need of treatment and accomidation. He is a dud.

There are millions of men, including myself, that would love to have a sexually intact partner and would be willing to put in the work and effort.
 
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