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Raw details:
He is 35, I just turned 30.I have maintained my weight and looks despite having a child and am considered pretty and sexy looking (32DD with 25 waist and 38 hip/ass ratio at 5'2" with nice face). We have 1 child together. Together 6-7ish years.
Problem:
Husband makes excuses like he feels ill (says he has IBS) or is too tired to avoid sex. This happens at all times of the day (I try to initiate). In fact, sometimes if I get all dressed up in lingerie and want to do something he like freezes up and 9/10 times turns it down. The only time we have sex is when he initiattes which is always in bed when we are about to sleep bu just like touching one of my breasts... that is it and thinks that is all I need so he can push me ontop of him and go for like 5 minutes... this is not how it always was but it has been this way for like 3 years now and I am over it. HOWEVER when we go on vacations he has sex the whole time like one to 3 times a day and acts differently so I think he is so full of shhhh using excuses at home and leads me to believe he is cheating, going to strip clubs, and at times I seriously question his sexual preference (if he is straight only because I honestly do not think straight men would turn me down in lingerie trying to initiate in a variety of ways). I have found his browser info on his phone showing he watches porn almost daily to whack off so he is purposely choosing that.
So I tell myself he is just lazy and contemplate staying together for the sake of our child. I also discovered that if I pretend to cheat on chats or he sees me flirt in person, he then will want to have sex but becomes angry with me, but I do this because I know I will get sex out of it from him. I am at a point where I try to open up discussion of an open relationship so I can get what I need, but he always says no he is monogamous only which I think is total BS, he is purposely not having sex with me and looking at porn. I have asked men in person about this and they all say it is not normal but I don't know if they are honest or maybe even blind to their own behaviors. Are there men out there who maintain interest in their wife after 5 years honestly or would I just be leaving to do the whole thing over again?Thoughts?
 

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you need to communicate your feelings and desires to him, if he dont change then something is wrong
 

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you get frustrated too, he has to know that you aren't happy, if that doesn't work , you need to find the root cause of this and fix it or else move on
 

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I have found his browser info on his phone showing he watches porn almost daily to whack off so he is purposely choosing that.
This is the problem. He may also be going to strip clubs, etc. The root cause has been found.

he always says no he is monogamous only which I think is total BS, he is purposely not having sex with me and looking at porn.
You're correct about "total BS". He is a serial adulterer. He may not touch the women, but that's what he is. The only place I'll differ with you is the "purposely not having sex with me". The problem is that he has CHOSEN porn over you. Porn is a fantasy. No reality can ever compete with fantasy.

Over time, his sexual responses have become trained for fantasy rather than reality.

Are there men out there who maintain interest in their wife after 5 years honestly
Yes, honestly, there are. I have known my wife for 43 years. We dated on and off during all of this time. Life took us on different paths, but 10 years ago, we married each other. Every time she walks by me, clothed, or not, I still feel my equipment tingle and go put my arms around her and kiss her - I want her sexually every bit as much today as I did 43 years ago.

However, if I engaged myself in porn and frequent masturbation ? I wouldn't. My sexual responses would become trained like your husband's, and I might even avoid sex. It is a CHOICE.
 

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The only time we have sex is when he initiattes which is always in bed when we are about to sleep bu just like touching one of my breasts... that is it and thinks that is all I need so he can push me ontop of him and go for like 5 minutes
This would be laughable if it weren't so sad. Not only does have no game, he is lazy as all getout. It won't get better until he gets off the porn. Suggest marriage counseling or a sex therapist and see how he responds.

In any event, this is no way to live. Good luck.
 

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So not only is he being selfish by watching porn - he’s depriving you of your needs and not concerned about pleasing you. Is he selfish in other areas of life?

he is also avoiding intimacy on a mental level. That really sucks to be with someone who isn’t making effort to connect with you.

I’d sit him down and tell him if things don’t change you aren’t staying. He needs counseling and also has to do work to get reconnected to you - as his top priority.

if he won’t then it’s not worth wasting time with a man who prioritizes porn over a relationship with you.
 

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Yes there are men who maintain interest after 5 years. No not every man watches porn. And those that do don't usually turn down a live woman in their bed. I don't know how to fix it, but it is broken. I would start by an honest discussion of your wants and needs. Have you had this conversation before? What has been his response?
 

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I want to break down your issue into bullet points and try to touch on each concern or statement, and give you the perspective of a man, who feels his sex life with his wife is limited / non-existent. Bare with me, as we go through it.

•He is 35, I just turned 30.
•Together 6-7ish years.
The age difference shouldn't be a factor here, unless he's seeing younger girls and thinking he can get a piece that. Which, in this day and age a person's age is no longer a factor, young and old hook up more and more often from what I've seen.
You're also in that 5 to 10 year itch period too. He could be bored. I'll admit it happened to me too. While i never had sex with a girl, i kissed two different girls because i missed that thrill.

• Husband makes excuses like ... This happens at all times of the day (I try to initiate).
This further confirms the boredum theory. He desires something else. Sounds like my wife, where i try to be playful and she's just not into what im doing, and won't dictate why or what she wants. She just doesn't like it. And that's not enough for me.

• if I get all dressed up ... 9/10 times turns it down.
Denial is huge, and can have detrimental affects on a marriage. See above. Being rejected just isn't a pleasant feeling, esp when it's your own spouse. How can i show her I'm eager if she keeps putting me down. Maybe my libido is higher than hers? Regardless, if there's no communication, or little liable reason for the rejection then there's a greater issue at hand.

• The only time we have sex is when he initiattes which is always in bed when we are about to sleep bu just like touching one of my breasts... that is it and thinks that is all I need so he can push me ontop of him and go for like 5 minutes... has been this way for like 3 years now and I am over it.
That sounds sort of like my situation. Sex is no longer spontaneous. Yes we have kids to attend to, so it complicates things, but even just some sensual touching would mean the world. Waiting until bedtime is not acceptable, in my book. Sometimes it can't be helped. But there's other days during the week that a random romp could be fun, and spice things up. And a mere touch of a private is not gonna be enough to get the juices flowing. Intimacy requires effort.

• On vacations he has sex the whole time ... acts differently at home and leads me to believe he is cheating, going to strip clubs, and at times I seriously question his sexual preference
Vacationing can surely have a profound effect on desires. You'reaway from distractions and can focus on what makes you feel good. But if he's only doing it bc he misses his other guilty pleasures, then it's no longer sex with you. Its just a means to an end. Im guesing he's not even focusing on your needs during those times of sex? I'll admit at one point in my marriage i imagined ****ing someone else while doing my wife, bc i felt more connection to that person than to her. If your husband is becoming curious, it could explain is lack of interest in sex with you. His preference coukd be changing drastically because he desires to be something, or cant get from you what he wants.

• (if he is straight only because I honestly do not think straight men would turn me down in lingerie trying to initiate in a variety of ways).
Having confidence in yourself, in your beauty is key. Im sure you've tried other things, other than skimpy clothes to entice him? Brought toys into the equation? I have no doubt (pics not wisthstanding) that you can rock out lingerie, but maybe that's not what turns him on. Maybe he's into bdsm? Or some kind of kink he's afraid to mention.

• I have found his browser info on his phone showing he watches porn almost daily to whack off so he is purposely choosing that.
What is he looking at? This shoukd give you major insight into what he truly desires. However, pron does corrupt the mind into believing sex should be that way, and not vanilla (like how i feel sex is between my wife and me). I want porno sex. Domination, improbably angles of penetration, and sex in all places of the house. Relatistically that's not all gonna happen, esp. With kids in the house. But the desire to be promiscuous at any time, has been left unfulfilled, and that's a major let down. Don'twanna try new things? Fine, but let's get naughty in the shower. Or on the couch. Coukd we get caught? Yes, but that's the spice of life. But see what he's looking at, if it's something you cant be, or provide, it's time for an intervention.

• So I tell myself he is just lazy and contemplate staying together for the sake of our child.
Being together for the sake of the child is never the way to go. My parents got divorsed and it was hard on me, i thought it qas my fault. BUt i latered learned that their was infidelity issues, and thats what led to divorse. You've got to be to be happy with your marriage. And if you're not it needs to be discussed. And if discussing it isnt leading to change, then maybe a trial seperation is in order. Believe me, i struggle with this too. I love my kids. But i dont want to put them through what i went through as a child. So i continue to try and work out the issues i have with my wife. Though sexually there's been no change, and thats why i search forums and boards for alternatives.

• I also discovered that if I pretend to cheat on chats or he sees me flirt in person, he then will want to have sex ..., but I do this because I know I will get sex out of it from him.
That's not the kind of sex you want im sure. Loveless sex that is. Throughout this post you call it 'sex' not 'making love.' Is there no love left in your marriage either? If that's the case, do yourself a favor and get out. You may love him, but if he is not reciprocating, whether sexually, mentally or even spiritually, then your marriage is now a sham. And you're just fooling yourself to believe that something can change to make it better.

• I am at a point where I try to open up discussion of an open relationship so I can get what I need, but he always says no he is monogamous only
That sounds like he's conflicted inside, but won't admit it. The old school upbringing of 'one life, one marriage' seems to be what drives him to stay with you. He got married and had a kid, which was likely the expectationshe had ground into him as he grew up. But now he's questioning things, but is too afraid to admit that things are over. Bc if he got divorsed he'd be a bad person. I know my wife wouldn't permit such a thing either. She's the jealous type, and would likely feel devistated if i offeredbsuch a suggestion to spice things up. She'd be afraid that i would want the other person more than her. Which, she may be right, i want more from sex than she's willing to offer or do.

• he is purposely not having sex with me and looking at porn.
That could be. Again, if you cant give him what he needs (if it is gay/tranny porn) then yeah, sex with you woukd be irrelevant. The thing to take away from this though is that it's not your fault. Not for the lack of effort you put forth. He just got turned on to something else, and unfortunately it's not you he desires. (Though you sound attractive, im sure guys would be willing to be with you if hes not interested.) It also may be a phase, soemthing he needs.to explore. But, as previously stated, he may be tok afraid to admit he wants something else. And would rather live the lie, than admit his manhoodn is in question.

• I have asked men in person about this and they all say it is not normal but I don't know if they are honest or maybe even blind to their own behaviors.
Depending on the upbringing it woukd be difficult to admit that one's sexual preferences are changing. That doesnt mean he can't admit he's curious, but if he feels it needs to be kept a secret, which is the obvious case, then it'll ruin his marriage, which you state it is. If you've exhausted all options its time to.move on. Or at least seek an affair if you can swing it. It might be a risky move, but since he's seeking pleasure elsewhere, why deny yourself equal, if not better gratification. However, it may be best to just separate and go from there.

• Are there men out there who maintain interest in their wife after 5 years honestly or would I just be leaving to do the whole thing over again?Thoughts?
I still desire my wife. There's a connection that just feels right. But sexually i desire more, and she is unwilling to test her limits. She likes vanilla. She's admitted it to me. She's not going to explore her sexuality, she's comfortable with the way things are. But it's not enpugh for me. Is it enough to warrant a divorse? No, but she needs to know tbat she's not the only wanna who has desires. I fulfill hers, but then what about me? We live in a world where the focus is on the self. What do i want? What do i need? If im not getting those things, how doi get it? You should not hold back in fulfilling your desires. If he's not putting out, find someone who will. Talk to other men, and/or women. There's forums for all that, not just marriage counciling sites.

We can talk more privately if you desire further input.
Thanks for reading.
 

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I have communicated many many times and it frustrates him.
He has an addiction to porn, which is not good. He needs to stop, like yesterday. And I am not some anti-porn person, I am just not really into it, I prefer the real thing for one reason. But when it affects your sexual desire for your partner then it is a HUGE problem.

If you have talked to him and he will not change, then file for divorce.

While this stuff does happen, it is not normal, it is not right... So get out if he will not change...
 

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I am also not anti-porn, in fact I once had him watch porn while I gave him a bj. Honestly, in college I was pretty promiscuous and dated men who were WAY more sexual than my current husband so I asked myself if I unfairly compare, but I find his desire to be the one that is off in comparison.All of my friends say their husbands ask for sex all the time. My friends are very open about it and at one of their parties they brought sex up and he was upset that people were talking about their sex lives. I am very open to all kinds of experiences and ask him if he wants to do different things and even try to initiate different types of activities and he is always like nervous or rejects! As far as trying to be risky, he has confronted me and called me a "bad mom" for trying to be sneaky and take a shower with him while our child is home, etc. All of the porn I have seen in browser over past years is very vanilla though... like one pretty woman with a similar body to my own.... no specific race or hair or anything and not having role play or anything wild going on that I have seen. If anything.
 

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It sounds like you're trying everything possibleto coax him. He's just not biting no matter what you do.

I had a friend who was appauled by anything sexual, so much to rhe point where he said he would tgrow up of we kept discussing the matter. While this is an extreme case, he later admitted that he felt he was asexual. Perhaps your husband has now fallen into that mindset. He's done his duty as a husband to help prodcue a kid, and now its just about self gratification.

To truly find out whats up with yout husband it may require one on one counseling. But then that still leaves you without a lover. However, if an outside person can help your husband find who he is, and what he wants, then isn't that a step towards resolution? The end result may not be the one you had in mind, but then at least you'll be in a place to make a better decision.

Marriage is about give and take. And if he's not giving, then that issue needs resolved sooner than later. Don't waste years waiting on him. Get to the bottom of things now. If not, then i guess you'll be seeking a secret lover or a divorse attorney.
 

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I am also not anti-porn, in fact I once had him watch porn while I gave him a bj. Honestly, in college I was pretty promiscuous and dated men who were WAY more sexual than my current husband so I asked myself if I unfairly compare, but I find his desire to be the one that is off in comparison.All of my friends say their husbands ask for sex all the time. My friends are very open about it and at one of their parties they brought sex up and he was upset that people were talking about their sex lives. I am very open to all kinds of experiences and ask him if he wants to do different things and even try to initiate different types of activities and he is always like nervous or rejects! As far as trying to be risky, he has confronted me and called me a "bad mom" for trying to be sneaky and take a shower with him while our child is home, etc. All of the porn I have seen in browser over past years is very vanilla though... like one pretty woman with a similar body to my own.... no specific race or hair or anything and not having role play or anything wild going on that I have seen. If anything.
Just understand, this "Problem" is not about you. It is about him. So if you want to work it out you are going to have to be strong and courageous. You are going to have to piss him off, and you are going to have to make him uncomfortable.

If you don't push the issue it will be worse later. HE HAS ISSUES. Probably porn, sexual insecurity, whatever, but he needs to get over them.

Frankly, I am sorry, I think this is heading for divorce. And you would not be the only woman to divorce a man because of his sexual issues.

Don't live your life this way, NOT ONE PERSON THAT DIVORCED over this issue has regretted it. What they regret is saying in the sexless marriage, which is what you basically have...
 

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You shouldn’t have to beg any man to love you - much less pay attention to basic needs.

If he isn’t making effort now - he’s not going to in 20 years.

when I was married we were still having sex everyday. Some days several times a day.

he either lazy or so into porn he has no interest. Or he’s cheating or he avoids being intimate with you.

what are your plans to change things?
 

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There’s help for men that want to get clean from porn. Hubby might want to pursue that if he knew you were hurting over it.
 

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Raw details:
He is 35, I just turned 30.I have maintained my weight and looks despite having a child and am considered pretty and sexy looking (32DD with 25 waist and 38 hip/ass ratio at 5'2" with nice face). We have 1 child together. Together 6-7ish years.
Problem:
Husband makes excuses like he feels ill (says he has IBS) or is too tired to avoid sex. This happens at all times of the day (I try to initiate). In fact, sometimes if I get all dressed up in lingerie and want to do something he like freezes up and 9/10 times turns it down. The only time we have sex is when he initiattes which is always in bed when we are about to sleep bu just like touching one of my breasts... that is it and thinks that is all I need so he can push me ontop of him and go for like 5 minutes... this is not how it always was but it has been this way for like 3 years now and I am over it. HOWEVER when we go on vacations he has sex the whole time like one to 3 times a day and acts differently so I think he is so full of shhhh using excuses at home and leads me to believe he is cheating, going to strip clubs, and at times I seriously question his sexual preference (if he is straight only because I honestly do not think straight men would turn me down in lingerie trying to initiate in a variety of ways). I have found his browser info on his phone showing he watches porn almost daily to whack off so he is purposely choosing that.
So I tell myself he is just lazy and contemplate staying together for the sake of our child. I also discovered that if I pretend to cheat on chats or he sees me flirt in person, he then will want to have sex but becomes angry with me, but I do this because I know I will get sex out of it from him. I am at a point where I try to open up discussion of an open relationship so I can get what I need, but he always says no he is monogamous only which I think is total BS, he is purposely not having sex with me and looking at porn. I have asked men in person about this and they all say it is not normal but I don't know if they are honest or maybe even blind to their own behaviors. Are there men out there who maintain interest in their wife after 5 years honestly or would I just be leaving to do the whole thing over again?Thoughts?
There is definitely something wrong in his head. Mrs. Conan just prances around in a T shirt and panties and I'm suddenly distracted from whatever I was doing.
 

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OP, did your husband's interest in sex with you decline during your pregnancy or right after your child was born?

I wonder at him calling you a "bad mom" for trying to initiate sex. Do you think he might have a serious hang-up about mothers as sexual beings? It might help explain why vacation sex is okay but at-home sex is not. For him it may be that at home, you're a mother, a respected, pure, wholesome, creature that should not be "debased" by sex. Only on vacation - away from the home and the idealized role he's casting you in as saintly mother figure - can he allow himself to see you as a sexual being.

Some men have issues viewing their wives, mothers to their children, in a healthy wholistic way. And there's something about what you've posted that makes me wonder if this is what's going on with your husband.
 

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Yes there are men who maintain interest after 5 years. No not every man watches porn. And those that do don't usually turn down a live woman in their bed. I don't know how to fix it, but it is broken. I would start by an honest discussion of your wants and needs. Have you had this conversation before? What has been his response?
Been nearly 15 years and although there are some complaints here and there, overall we are still very happy. There are men who keep an interest.
 

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I think when he wants to go to strip clubs, you need to insist that you go with him, or that you would like to go on your own or with your friend. Check his reaction but if it is good for him it must be good for you too.
There is something grossly wrong with his behaviours and you both need to go for professional help.
 
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