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Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..

We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually sexy he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..

I just don't know what to do anymore. He thinks things are fine and I drop hints that I'm not happy, and talk about like marriage counseling..or like the 'what if' something happened between us and we weren't together. He basically says that any kind of break up is gonna be my decision, not his. So even as unhappy as I am sometimes, he doesn't seem to see that and also just makes me feel nuts for feeling like there's a problem. Some days I can just say oh well that's how things are.. especially with other stuff going on in my life right now that's keeping me busy - but when I stop and think about it I just feel very alone and don't want to feel this way forever..but also don't know how to fix any of this. I just feel stuck. ☹

If anyone has some advice I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks..
 

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So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about.
I'm sorry but there are plenty of men who have subpar sexual desire and capabilities, who use waiting for sex as a way to hide the fact that they will be inadequate sexual partners. That certainly isn't all men, yet it certainly is a thing.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
It's really simple.

Your husband has always been loathe to have sex with you. Your efforts have been and will continue to be a waste of time. The sensible thing is to dump him and seek to replace him with a man and or men, who are sexually capable and desire to have sex with you.

There is no getting around this, deep down you already know this. So it's up to you to bite the bullet and put an end to this farce.
 

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Are you having sex at all? It isn't apparent from your post.

First, he needs to knock off the porn and get his priorities in order. You need to put your foot down about that, especially if it's deep-sixing your sex life. His attitude seems pretty cavalier when you talk about a potential end to the relationship also.

If he won't give up the porn, I'd say you're going to have to decide if you can put up with this long-term because there is no indication from your post this is going to change. Sexual abandonment is a big deal and is breaking the marriage contract. You have every right to expect sex from your spouse and every right to have his undivided attention when you bring it up.
 

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Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) Stop that. but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it Of course he does - it lets him off the hook. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his You're not married to his friends. and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. And, here it is - he prefers solo sex and to hell with you. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have.. Hello, that's because you're not having sex. You signed up to be a roommate for him and he gets all the benefits of having a wife.

We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually sexy he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..

I just don't know what to do anymore. He thinks things are fine and I drop hints that I'm not happy, and talk about like marriage counseling..or like the 'what if' something happened between us and we weren't together. He basically says that any kind of break up is gonna be my decision, not his. So even as unhappy as I am sometimes, he doesn't seem to see that and also just makes me feel nuts for feeling like there's a problem. Some days I can just say oh well that's how things are.. especially with other stuff going on in my life right now that's keeping me busy - but when I stop and think about it I just feel very alone and don't want to feel this way forever..but also don't know how to fix any of this. I just feel stuck. ☹

If anyone has some advice I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks..
You're not the problem, so you can't fix anything. But, here is a clue as to how men work - they do not understand 'hintese'. It is not in their vocabulary. Anything short of the subtlety of a ball peen hammer usually goes right past them (apologizing now for the generalizing because I know there are some very sensitive and astute men out there so need to jump my ass about it). Be direct and firm in your objections and expectations.
 

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In your shoes I would be so very unhappy. Depending on children I would
1 Discuss it openly with him and determine if he might agree to seek medical help
2 negotiate an end to it all
3Commit a crime and go to jail in frustration
4 Find out if there is any form of chemical castration for women

Sitting tight would not be an option. You cannot sleep with him every day and nothing happens.
 

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The cat may be stocking another gal's shelves or started playing for an all male team. Your best options are hand him his walking paper or take the path of least resistance and find something on the side. Actual you can do both if youre careful and half way street wise. Ain't no need in doing without someone who appreciates your feminine attributes while you jettison his azz.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Are you having sex at all? It isn't apparent from your post.

First, he needs to knock off the porn and get his priorities in order. You need to put your foot down about that, especially if it's deep-sixing your sex life. His attitude seems pretty cavalier when you talk about a potential end to the relationship also.

If he won't give up the porn, I'd say you're going to have to decide if you can put up with this long-term because there is no indication from your post this is going to change. Sexual abandonment is a big deal and is breaking the marriage contract. You have every right to expect sex from your spouse and every right to have his undivided attention when you bring it up.
No, we're not. He doesn't seem very interested in me at all, but he still hints at me doing stuff for him..and I usually just do whatever he wants cause I feel like if I stopped then there'd be absolutely nothing.. but maybe that's what needs to happen in order for any kind of change to happen. :confused:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
You're not the problem, so you can't fix anything. But, here is a clue as to how men work - they do not understand 'hintese'. It is not in their vocabulary. Anything short of the subtlety of a ball peen hammer usually goes right past them (apologizing now for the generalizing because I know there are some very sensitive and astute men out there so need to jump my ass about it). Be direct and firm in your objections and expectations.
Thank you. I have tried more to say exactly how I feel. There have been times that I get so frustrated and feel so distant from him that I even cry when I'm trying to tell him how upset I feel about this but he just says I'm making it a bigger deal than it is. I'm starting to feel like unless he feels like there's an issue, nothing is ever going to change.
 

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No, we're not. He doesn't seem very interested in me at all, but he still hints at me doing stuff for him..and I usually just do whatever he wants cause I feel like if I stopped then there'd be absolutely nothing.. but maybe that's what needs to happen in order for any kind of change to happen. :confused:
I’m sorry to hear that. I assume “stuff for him” is sexual (BJs or HJs)? If that’s the case, and there’s no reciprocation, it’s simply mean-spirited and unacceptable. On top of that he is obviously replacing your sex life with porn. Porn cannot be a part of your future together for this to work out. I’m not sure what to say about a husband who treats his wife that way, but he’s no husband. Your sexual needs are as important as his, that’s part of marriage (a big part). It’s probably time for an ultimatum, one that gives him no choice but to address the problem.

If my needs aren’t met, neither are yours would be my perspective. The last thing you should do is reward this behavior. The question is, is denying “stuff for him” a road you want to go down to see if it can force a change or is that simply not going to happen? You need to decide the limits of what you can tolerate and what is more painful, terminating a relationship or putting up with it long term?
 

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If anyone has some advice I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks..
First be aware that most of the advice you will get here comes from those in your same situation. That is people with a higher desire than a spouse that seems to lack interest. So the discussions here tend to be a little bit like the blind leading the blind.

So when I would try to address this issue with my wife (me being the one with more desire), she too would get very angry and a bit defensive. She would quickly point out all her female friends that have no desire and tell me that my expectations were unrealistic. Years later I would eventually understand that this anger came from a place of her feeling vulnerable and inadequate to ever please me or make me happy.

So stop and put yourself in that frame of mind for a moment. Imagine being in your spouse's shoes and feeling completely helpless and inadequate to make the other person happy. As a result all sexual experiences become a source of anxiety and a self fulfilling prophecy of never being good enough. So you stop trying and start avoiding it as much as possible.

How does one turn that around? Generally speaking nonsexual intimacy that involves physical acts of helping to sooth and relax one another tends to be a good starting place. An example would be working on a stress free way to reject the idea of sex. That seems awkward, but at the same time it serves to help defuse arguments. An example might be that you want sex, but if he is not in the mood perhaps he could at a minimum give you a back rub and spend some time talking and listening to each other about your days to help reinforce a strong emotional connection. No sex happened but time and energy was used to nurture you connection with one another. As a result there is not the feelings of rejection and frustration from not having sex, as you practiced an exercise in soothing one another.

Eventually soothing one another grows into pleasuring one another. It is a slow and gradual process that requires that you each work on your self confidence and be willing to embrace small failures and setbacks with respect and constructive criticism for moving forwards. Then as that progresses you work out a schedule for sex and agree to make it happen. Be completely OK if one of you can't get in the mood. This becomes an exercise in creating pleasure for one another without the stress of initiating or rejecting. From this you will gradually learn the tools of what it takes to please one another on command.

Not sure if that helps, but perhaps it gives you a model of what helped in my situation. Scheduling worked so well for my wife and I that it actually works better than the moments that are spontaneous. Doing so takes away a lot of issues that tend to create stress and distractions.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Anythingbutordinary.... Couple of questions...
1). Does he wake up hard in the morning ever? If no he may have a Testosterone problem.
2). Does he ever show interest in you physically? If you put on a sexy teddy or just walk past him nude....does he notice or make a comment? Does he look at you when you give him a BJ or HJ? No...then he may be fantasizing about porn or maybe a male.
3). Does he talk during sex? Any hints about where his mind is during sex?
 

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Discussion Starter #15 (Edited)
Anythingbutordinary.... Couple of questions...
1). Does he wake up hard in the morning ever? If no he may have a Testosterone problem.
2). Does he ever show interest in you physically? If you put on a sexy teddy or just walk past him nude....does he notice or make a comment? Does he look at you when you give him a BJ or HJ? No...then he may be fantasizing about porn or maybe a male.
3). Does he talk during sex? Any hints about where his mind is during sex?
To answer your questions 1.) Yes, he does - but 99% of the time that means he wants something done for him..Very very rarely does that mean anything for me.

2. He doesn't really show much interest in me at all. Sometimes he'll say he likes my shirts cause it's a 'good boob shirt' but the last time I tried getting things going myself and wore lingerie and got all dolled up, he was.. ready, until I came out in that. Then he got soft and just says he gets anxious or has his mind on work. That's always what it is. He just gets anxious and says he doesn't know what he's doing so he loses it...or work is on his mind. He says it's not me but he doesn't have any interest. And he watches porn, so I know he can't be that clueless. 🙄

3. And no, he never says anything during anything we do. 🤷‍♀️
 

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some people just aren't good lovers are aren't any good in bed. He is likely one of them.

This is the risk people take when they wait until the state becomes involved legally in their relationship (ie marriage) before they have sex.
 

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Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..

We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually sexy he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..

I just don't know what to do anymore. He thinks things are fine and I drop hints that I'm not happy, and talk about like marriage counseling..or like the 'what if' something happened between us and we weren't together. He basically says that any kind of break up is gonna be my decision, not his. So even as unhappy as I am sometimes, he doesn't seem to see that and also just makes me feel nuts for feeling like there's a problem. Some days I can just say oh well that's how things are.. especially with other stuff going on in my life right now that's keeping me busy - but when I stop and think about it I just feel very alone and don't want to feel this way forever..but also don't know how to fix any of this. I just feel stuck. ☹

If anyone has some advice I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks..
I totally understand. I've been with this man for two years. In the beginning it was hot. Now it like I'm not here. I'm a highly sexual person. When we do have sex it
Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for quite awhile and am just getting the nerve to finally make a post.. So, my husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. We met when I was 19 and at the time I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He was fine with that (wasn't necessarily waiting himself, but was fine with waiting too)..However, once we got married he never really had interest in sex. We do other stuff (usually I do stuff for him more than he does for me..) but sex itself he gets very uncomfortable about. When I bring it up and try to talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me and makes me feel sex obsessed for even addressing it. Which I'm not, but I also feel like this isn't normal. He always says every relationship is different and he brings up random friends of his and says 'I doubt they're having sex all the time' or 'take my parents, you think they're just doin it all the time?' (which his parents are in their 60s and have 3 children..so not really comparable to our situation..lol). He does have an issue with porn as well. Which he also gets mad at me for trying to talk about. We are very different people to begin with, but we get along fine day to day.. However, I find myself feeling like we're more roommates than a married couple. I just don't feel that connection that I believe a married couple should have..

We got into a bit of a discussion about physical stuff this past weekend and I brought up that even when I get all dolled up, or times when we had plans and I make a point to dress actually sexy he still showed 0 interest in me.. He laughed and told me I only do that every once in awhile. Which is true, I don't always dress super sexy..but I wear nice clothes and make up..Fix my hair nice, etc. I might not be this super sexy thing 24/7 but I don't look a big mess or anything either..

I just don't know what to do anymore. He thinks things are fine and I drop hints that I'm not happy, and talk about like marriage counseling..or like the 'what if' something happened between us and we weren't together. He basically says that any kind of break up is gonna be my decision, not his. So even as unhappy as I am sometimes, he doesn't seem to see that and also just makes me feel nuts for feeling like there's a problem. Some days I can just say oh well that's how things are.. especially with other stuff going on in my life right now that's keeping me busy - but when I stop and think about it I just feel very alone and don't want to feel this way forever..but also don't know how to fix any of this. I just feel stuck. ☹

If anyone has some advice I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks..
I totally understand it's like I'm not even here we spend Saturdays in the house by ourselves and you want to look twice at me I thought about cheating on you I really have I have urged im human and when we do have sex it feels like a chore like something that he needs to complete and get it over with its totally awkward like you don't know how to touch me Like when we 1st got together it was so hot you know we have sex all weekend now it's just like I'm not here and I asked him like what is wrong tell me truth if you don't want me let me know if you don't want me so we go our separate ways he claims that he wants me but he don't show it in im the at point right now where I really am thinking about just cheating I honestly thinking he could care less if I did not
 

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I totally understand it's like I'm not even here we spend Saturdays in the house by ourselves and you want to look twice at me I thought about cheating on you I really have I have urged im human and when we do have sex it feels like a chore like something that he needs to complete and get it over with its totally awkward like you don't know how to touch me Like when we 1st got together it was so hot you know we have sex all weekend now it's just like I'm not here and I asked him like what is wrong tell me truth if you don't want me let me know if you don't want me so we go our separate ways he claims that he wants me but he don't show it in im the at point right now where I really am thinking about just cheating I honestly thinking he could care less if I did not
 

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These threads by wives who’s husbands don’t want sex from them, are real head scratchers. I’ve been with my wife 34 years , married 31 and even though she’s put on a little weight over the years from having our 4 kids, I sill find her smoking hot and would hit it every night, if she we’re down.

But it’s just not how attractive she is, that fuels my desire, it’s how much I love her. so when I here of husband who are not reacting to their wife putting on lingerie, I question do they even love their wife?
 

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These threads by wives who’s husbands don’t want sex from them, are real head scratchers. I’ve been with my wife 34 years , married 31 and even though she’s put on a little weight over the years from having our 4 kids, I sill find her smoking hot and would hit it every night, if she we’re down.

But it’s just not how attractive she is, that fuels my desire, it’s how much I love her. so when I here of husband who are not reacting to their wife putting on lingerie, I question do they even love their wife?
Agreed for me lingerie is like the big red Staples easy button. Unfortunately my wife won’t do it even the high end boutique expensive stuff.

As for HLF roughly 20% of sexual pursuers are female. So yeah it’s clearly biased towards men being the sexual pursuers.
 
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