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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone,

I am in an arranged marriage, which essentially means I did not really know the kind of guy my husband is before we got married.

I have lived with him now for a year and over time our sex life has gone from bad to worse (I was initially hoping he would learn to recognize my needs, later I even resorted to telling him what I desire, yet I am not satisfied in bed. I feel there is room for so much more which is unmet) and I know that he is not the kind of person who will read all the wonderful material that is available to him to learn what he needs to do. On the other hand his sexual needs are more than met and I have given him orgasms that made him pass out. I desire for such fantastic sexual experiences. Also he takes me for granted, in that he is never appreciative of my beauty or body or the time I am willing to give him. He also cheated on me during our 8 month engagement period with a 40 year old woman (his ex) ( I am 25). I have forgiven him for the most part but I am unable to get over this past too (he has asked for forgivence). This has lead me several times to decide to quit this marriage and leave and he was always ready to let me go but I persisted, hoping it would work.

This is slowly turning into resentment in me. It has crept into every aspect of our life together. I dont feel sexy or desired, I don't feel any companionship with him, I feel like he is not man enough for me. Although he is a good man, very kind and quite understanding. He is a nice guy for the most part I guess.

As a result I keep thinking about my ex and the great sex and companionship we shared. We had to part ways because he is in the military of another country and my mother's position as a government official meant that if we were to stay together then he almost has to forgo his career (which has been his dream since childhood). I jumped into my marriage right after my break up with my ex because i was scared to be alone, not because I was particularly attracted to my husband (My biggest mistake in life so far!)

Now I have come to the position where I realize that my husband is probably not the right person for me. He is just not matured and manly enough for me I feel. But I feel torn. I don't know if I should just leave this relationship and wait for my ex to come back to me (my ex and I haven't spoken about this) or I should persist in the marriage and teach my husbands the things he needs to know to be a good husband for me (My ex and I, still talk to each other and he gave me a book by David Deida to give my husband and we made a sort of plan to get him to read the book and learn to love me completely)

I am torn, we are going to marriage counselling this week, but I dont know what good it is going to make. My thoughts are to leave him and wait for my ex.

Any thoughts anybody? Is it right to leave him or should I try to make him the person I want him to be ( is it ethical to try to change him like that? Although if anything it is going to benefit him to learn those things)
 

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If you decide to end the marriage, do it because you believe the marriage is not going to work despite both of your best efforts. I'm not a marriage at all costs type of person. Some marriages aren't meant to be.

Why are you planning to wait for your ex? I'm trying to understand. If his dream is to be in the military of his country and you couldn't be with him before you married your husband because your mother's career prevented you from marrying that man, does that mean your mother's career is no longer an obstacle? You don't mention why his military career is no longer a problem. Are you also sure that he wants to marry you? You broke up with him and then married another man.

Some here might say you are having an inappropriate friendship with an ex lover. You're telling him about your marriage and you have feelings for him. Decide what to do with your marriage without getting your ex involved in this.

For sex advice, go to the Sex Forum here.

Marriage counseling can be a hit or a miss. We didn't do that. We (well mostly me!) read books and discussed those. The most helpful marriage books I've read at The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman; and His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.
 

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it doesn't sound like this marriage was meant to be. you've already said it was the biggest mistake in your life. it seems pretty clear to me that you should leave.

I, too, don't understand why it would be ok now to be with your ex but not before. Also, if you're not having an emotional affair with the ex, it's at least bordering on it. that's not fair to your husband.

you two just don't seem compatible. why force the issue?
 

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I am left with the unfortunate impression that you have never really committed yourself to this marriage. Do you think it is possible that your husband has sensed your dissatisfaction with him from the very beginning?

- "I feel like he is not man enough for me."
- "I keep thinking about my ex and the great sex and companionship we shared."
- "I jumped into my marriage right after my break up with my ex because i was scared to be alone, not because I was particularly attracted to my husband."

I think you need to be prepared to admit that if this marriage fails that you are as much the reason as your husband is.

- "Although he is a good man, very kind and quite understanding. He is a nice guy for the most part I guess."

I wish you the best in your marriage counseling. Hopefully you and your husband can learn to better make each other happy. As well as better learn to allow the other to make you happy.
 

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I agree with what everyone has said.

Have you also thought about the possibility that (depending on your culture) your husband thinks that women are not supposed to enjoy sex? Or that they are supposed to please the man?

What I don't understand.. you entered an arranged marriage, but did not adhere to other norms- such as no sex before marriage etc.
 

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Fascinating! Marriage counseling for the arranged marriage. On what is the marriage contract based, if not love? In Western marriages where two people fall in love and choose one another, counseling is based on getting THAT loving feeling back. But you two have never had that. Hmmmm fascinating.

What are your social and familial ramifications should you decide to leave the marriage? What are his? If neither of you will be outcast, or suffer unduly, I see no reason why you should stay. You have nothing on which to build other than a promise you both made to each other. However, marriage is a pie crust promise; easily made easily broken.

Must you have a man in your life due to societal pressure or is this a personal choice on your part?

I can't see how you and your husband can build a marriage if he is just as ambivalent as you regarding the marriage and you two don't love each other. Yikes, this is a very tall order for a counselor.
 

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Anon Pink my STBX comes from a culture where arranged marriage is the norm, but divorce is no big deal either- his mother has been married 6 times!

HOWEVER most cultures who continue to have arranged marriages consider their religion very seriously, and the woman is mostly there to "serve" her man.

I do agree that counselling would be interesting, mine was (although mine was not arranged)
 

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ChiGirl, Thats what I was thinking too. If it is an arranged marriage, it should be no big deal to divorce... So why bother with MC when there is no foundations upon which to build?

I have an idea that OP's culture is strictly religious otherwise she might have been more circumspect about her sex life prior to marriage. Or, because she did have that encounter, she is actually aware of that which is missing with her husband. For intellectual curiosity's sake, Id love to be a fly on the wall in that therapists office.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Hello everybody,

Thank you for all the input. Although it all sounds very confusing to me at the moment, like everything else is. Apparently my husband does not "have the interest/hope" to go through MC. And I have decided to leave to my home country.

About somebody's question on social ramifications, there are going to be many of them. Family, friends everybody. But I am not sure about whether i want to live an unfulfilling life for the sake of societal pressures.

I feel I have given him enough of my time. It is time to make my own career once again and regain everything I lost due to this marriage (career, friends etc because I had to relocate to a new country for him)

As for the question about sex before marriage, it is quite common among people of my generation to not be virgin at the time of marriage. Besides I lived in Australia before, where it was more open and I had more freedom.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
@nunya biznas: Your comment is very insightful. It may be true that he has understood there is a current of dissatisfaction. But when I say I keep thinking about my ex it is only recently that I started doing that. It was after things really started going down the drain that I resorted to thinking about my "glorious" past to make myself feel better (A huge mistake I understand and such nuances hardly go unnoticed my someone who lives in the same house). Before that I was making the best effort to live in this relationship which is sort of comfortable for the most part, except that our intimacy was not getting better. Sometimes I feel like I wear the pants in this relationship. I am a very feminine woman and that part left me very unhappy.

@coffeeamore: I understand what you said is true. I shouldn't bring my ex into this. I have stopped doing that now. He is no longer in the picture. In my head there is me and this man I am married to do and my needs. I don't think this man in his native state can fulfill them as my husband. He should be willing to learn and he is NOT ready to do that.

I was/am ready to stick it out if he is prepared to read and learn things that he should probably know. But he is NOT ready to do anything of that sort. He squarely told me yesterday that he is not capable of learning or changing his ways. He also said "I don't think I can please you." He has basically got the whole concept wrong. So yeah this is done and finished I guess.



What do you guys think? I just want to know that I am not thinking in a skewed way.
 

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Nabster, I think that what you may be facing in your husband is a case of fragile male ego.

Remember that he entered into this marriage under the same conditions as you did. All he has had to build the foundation of this marriage, and all that he knows of being a husband to you is what he has experienced and learned since meeting you a relatively short time ago. I suspect that your husband is a sensitive man who is genuinely concerned about how you think and feel about him. If your husband cares about what you think of him and he's also someone who's feelings are easily hurt, then picking up on "a current of dissatisfaction" could very well explain all his behaviors and attitudes. It would cause him to give up and to withdraw as a means of self protection. This would most likely cause your feelings of dissatisfaction to deepen which would continue a downward spiral for the both of you. Here are some words that might explain how he is feeling: rejected, discouraged, depressed, inadequate, ashamed, lonely, defeated. I understand that none of those words are typically used to describe a stong and virile man but there are worse things than being married to a sensitive male. And remember that any man can become a virtual powerhouse with the love of a good woman to support him.

You seem to genuinely want to work on your marriage. I find this very commendable of you, especially under the circumstances.

Have you ever heard of the saying, "Fake it till you make it"? It often relates to feelings of confidence but I think in your situation it could be successfully applied to the feeling of affection. I suggest that you tap into your inner actress for the sake of your marriage. When your husband walks into the room, smile and act genuinely pleased to have him near you. Cuddle up to him on the sofa, rest your head on his chest when you are in bed together, make his favourite meal, leave cute notes where he will find them throughout the day, initiate sex with him and try to be enthusiastic about it(you'll be amazed at how his performance improves if he senses your enthusiasm), ask him to take you to a ball game or fishing or some other activity that he enjoys - go out on dates. Pretend that you are madly, deeply in love with your husband and that you can't imagine life without him. Do this, not just for one day and not even just for one week but force yourself to put on this "show" as your last ditch effort to save your marriage. My hope is that by doing this it will dispel your husband's sadness as well as increase his feelings of affection towards you. The better he feels about you the more he will want to please you. In other words, "Fake it till you make it."

One thing you have to understand is that a good man will try to move heaven and earth in order to not let you down, but that same man will give up and curl up pouting if he feels he already has let you down. That's why it's so important for a wife to always make her husband feel appreciated and needed and that she's proud of him. A good man will snatch the stars from the sky for the woman who will do this for him.
 

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I don't think so. It seems he expects you to be content with whatever he gives you. I mean hell if you liked your arms rubbed but he liked to rub your back, would that put him out so much to change a little?

Speaking of which, my own dear H recently helped me to understand that when I need him to be more affectionate, pay me more attention, he felt that I was indeed asking him to change and he felt that was unfair of me to do. Maybe your husband views becoming a better lover in the same light. However, a man who isn't willing to learn to please his wife in bed, isn't worth having a wife to begin with.

In this culture women believe that a man isn't really a man if he can't please a woman in bed. I wonder if your husband knows that?
 
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