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My husband and I have been together for 7 years married for 4. We are both 35 and have 2 children. Our sex life was amazing up until about a year before we got married but it slowly fizzled out to pretty much nothing. He has pretty much said to me he doesn't want to have sex or be intimate in any way again. He said he is happy with me and doesn't want anyone else which I do believe as he never goes out anywhere. We get on very well and are best friends. He has recently suffered depression but the sex was a problem long before this. I love him dearly, he is the perfect husband and in every other way and a brilliant father so I do not want to leave him but I am desperate to be close to him again. I have tried to be understanding and patient and when I speak to him about this he doesn't see what the fuss is about. I have always been the one with the higher sex drive so this is killing me. He wont even sleep in the same bed as me. We have a double bed and a single bed in our bedroom and whenever I ask him to come into bed just for a cuddle he refuses. I feel very alone. I have considered getting it elsewhere but I don't want to, I want to make love to my husband I'm not interested in anyone else. Does anyone else have this dilema that could give any advice?
 

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Yes I have asked him. I try to approach the subject carefully as I don't want him to think I am just being a nag. Whenever I ask he says he doesn't know why he just has no desire. No he doesn't avoid me in any other way. He just says he is happy to go through life without sex. When I tell him that I'm not happy with that he just says there's nothing I can do about it. He won't consider seeking help either so I am really at a dead end!
 

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There are people who truly lack interest in sex. There are people who use marriage to pass themselves off as "normal" and avoid drawing attention to other inclinations - homosexuality or fetishes, for instance.

Can you think of something that's as important to your husband's sense of well-being as a healthy sex life is to you? If you can, you may be able to impress on him just how important this is to you.

As it is, he's sort of duped you into thinking he would provide something he had no intention of providing. You will have to decide if you're ready and willing to let it affect the rest of our life or how to solve the problem for good.
 

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Yes I have asked him. I try to approach the subject carefully as I don't want him to think I am just being a nag. Whenever I ask he says he doesn't know why he just has no desire. No he doesn't avoid me in any other way. He just says he is happy to go through life without sex. When I tell him that I'm not happy with that he just says there's nothing I can do about it. He won't consider seeking help either so I am really at a dead end!
It sounds like it.

If you're not prepared to leave him or cheat (which doesn't solve this issue at all) then I suggest buying yourself a few nice toys and stop talking about it. Keep a journal or seek some counseling if you need to vent about it, but honestly the only person you can change is yourself.

I think your husband is awful for putting you through this.
 

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Yes I have asked him. I try to approach the subject carefully as I don't want him to think I am just being a nag. Whenever I ask he says he doesn't know why he just has no desire. Insist that he see a doctor, this isn't normal and it's no way to live. No he doesn't avoid me in any other way. He refuses physical affection, even snuggling in bed, that's avoiding you. He just says he is happy to go through life without sex. When I tell him that I'm not happy with that he just says there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, there's plenty you can do. This is actually grounds for divorce. It's grossly unfair that he now unilaterally decides that you will have a celibate relationship. He won't consider seeking help either so I am really at a dead end!
You may have to make a difficult decision, since the situation is becoming untenable. You need to consider a separation, possibly divorce....before you seek affection elsewhere. You must explain in no uncertain terms that he is placing you in a very vulnerable position because physical affection/sex is a very real human biological need.
 

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he may have had undiagnosed depression before, which lead to his disinterest in sex.

First thing is to make sure that is treated. Talk to his doctor about medication that does not kill his sex drive.

Also make sure that he has a physical so other medical issues are ruled out.

Once you clear any mental or physical issues, you have to ask him whether he thinks sex is important in the marriage. If he says no, then tell him he shouldn't mind if you got it elsewhere. If he says it IS important, then ask him why he won't make an effort to fill that important need.
 

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This is a very unusual situation. I haven't heard of many men that don't desire sex. Although you value and love your husband for the good husband and father he is, what are you going to do about this? Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage, but certainly is important. You are being neglected. You have needs too that you will soon have to address. Encourage him to seek counseling. I think it's very selfish of him to not consider your needs and desires. Dont suffer any longer with this issue. Have a serious sit down with him. Tell him your not happy and you need intimacy. Best wishes to you.
 

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he may have had undiagnosed depression before, which lead to his disinterest in sex.

First thing is to make sure that is treated. Talk to his doctor about medication that does not kill his sex drive.

Also make sure that he has a physical so other medical issues are ruled out.

Once you clear any mental or physical issues, you have to ask him whether he thinks sex is important in the marriage. If he says no, then tell him he shouldn't mind if you got it elsewhere. If he says it IS important, then ask him why he won't make an effort to fill that important need.
This is really good advice. What is his health like besides the depression?
 

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Actually it's not such an unusual situation as some people might think. In my time on different forums, I have come across many, many women who are living in sexless or near sexless marriages, not by their own choice. It seems to me from that experience - although of course I haven't exactly done a study on it - that women are far more inclined to remain in the marriage, regardless of the lack of sex, than men are - all other things being equal (i.e. no abuse, no infidelity.)

I am in a marriage where sex is rare, and my husband's desire - although high during dating - after marriage all but disappeared. I joke (to myself) that if I hadn't conceived our child before we married, I probably wouldn't have ever had one. For several years, sex was something that happened about every 2 months. It took me a year to actually talk to him about it - which sounds pretty sad, but there were all kinds of reasons for that. When I did finally pluck up the courage, he made all kinds of excuses (lies) and invented all kinds of reasons why he just wasn't in the mood or didn't feel like it, or was so tired, etc. I just got tired of hearing it, you know? How long does it take to have sex, after all? As a guy pointed out on another thread - who is in the same position as me and the OP - it's not "just" sex. It's the intimacy and closeness that come with a regular and good sex life. I always felt closer to my husband at that time, than any other time, and we always got on much better for the few days after sex .. until I started to realize, yet again, that I was going to have to wait 2 months until the next time. :( I did, at one point, find out that my husband was addicted to porn (by his own admission). It seems that he dealt with that, I don't know for sure. But it didn't improve our sex life any.

So, we have been married for 13 years last November, and intimacy is still not 'normal' so far as I understand it from previous relationships/one previous marriage/other people's marriages - but then comparisons aren't always wise! It's a bit of a minefield, because I want him to desire me, and he doesn't really. So, OP I really and truly DO know how you feel and what you are going through.

In my case, I decided that 1) I will not cheat. This is really important to me. There have been occasions when I could have cheated. Men have come on to me, and I have turned them down and discouraged them from approaching me again. I don't believe that cheating will help, because it's not "just" sex that I want - it's intimacy with my husband that I want. 2) I will not divorce him. We have three kids between us, the first two of which already survived his divorce from his first wife (who did cheat on him), and who don't deserve to suffer through a second divorce, and our own kid who I will not expose to the trauma of divorce. Sure, he might decide one day to divorce me, and if he does, then I will have to do the best I can to cushion the kids, but at least I know that I won't have initiated that trauma.

You can certainly try counseling. We have been to counseling twice, but I found it hard to actually say what the biggest problem was in front of the counselor, because I didn't want to embarass my husband. I don't know how you feel about that. I did seek counseling for myself, but unfortunately my counselor was of the opinion that I shouldn't stick around - and that wasn't what I went to hear - so that didn't help me either.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had some way to help.
 

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BTW, you can't talk to his doctor about his medical issues, or his medication. Little thing called HIPAA.
PAtients can agree to disclose to others. If he refuses to share his health info from either himself or the doc (or both) it would suggest another really big problem in this marriage
 

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PAtients can agree to disclose to others. If he refuses to share his health info from either himself or the doc (or both) it would suggest another really big problem in this marriage
I just disagree I guess. I have never given my doctor permission to disclose my health info to my husband, or vice versa. I don't see the need for it. Now, if there were a situation where I had to have surgery or had a serious disease, I could see that happening, but for this kind of thing, no.

If she gets on his back about it, it may only succeed in driving him further into his shell.
 

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. Does anyone else have this dilema that could give any advice?
You're not alone.

I had this dilemma. My now ex husband quit having sex with me three months after we married. We only had sex 3 times after we married and one of those times was on the honeymoon. I finally left 2 1/2 years into the marriage after over 2 years of no sex. We had other problems, but his refusal to deal with the problems is what made me finally leave. You can't fix a marriage by yourself.

Like your husband, my ex slept on the couch for over a year before I finally got through to him that it was not acceptable. However, him moving back to the bedroom didn't make a difference. Since you have two beds in your bedroom, maybe you need to move one out?? Demand that he sleep in your bed?

My situation was different than yours however because my husband wouldn't give me any kind of explanation. My now ex said he wanted sex, but it never happened. And he always said it in anger.

So, as to why your husband doesn't want sex, there could be many reasons. But, if he refuses to work on it or deal with this, then that is a problem. Without sex, you are just roommates. I know that some people feel it is okay in their marriage, but it sounds like it is something you want in your marriage.

Maybe you guys can see a sex therapist? Does he have any want to increase his sex drive?
 
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BTW, you can't talk to his doctor about his medical issues, or his medication. Little thing called HIPAA.
Unless he has signed a release for her to get information. I can talk to our doc about my husband's and daughter's medical conditions all day long.
 

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I also wanted to add that I didn't have any children with my now ex husband, so that was one reason I filed for divorce. If we had children, I might not have divorced him. I might have stayed in the sexless marriage for the children.
 

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He is an imperfect husband.
Why? Becuause he refuses to meet your emotional needs. This is a bad husband by definition.

The solution to your problem starts with HIS emotional needs. What are they? If you don't know what they are, then you have to figure it out and start meeting them. You then teach him that in marriage we meet each other's needs and that our needs are diferent from each other.

If you already are meeting his needs, then you stop doing that in order to teach him what a marrige is.

This is not about sex, this is about emotional needs... Recommend the 5 Love Languages books also.
 

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Unless he has signed a release for her to get information. I can talk to our doc about my husband's and daughter's medical conditions all day long.
Yes I am aware of this, but the post I was responding suggested that the OP talk to her husband's doctors about his medication to make sure it didn't interfere with his sex drive (paraphrased). I wanted to point out to the OP that she can't just go and do that, so she doesn't waste her time thinking she can just call up his doctor and chat to him about her husband's medications. Of course, if he gives her a release etc etc. - but none of that was mooted. So, my comment is strictly regarding the advice given and letting the OP know that, generally speaking, you cannot do that.
 
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