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My husband has been gone since Sept 4, the day he told me he is moving out, he stayed at at friends until he just recently moved into a small apt. On Oct 2. He says he feels trapped at our home and needs to leave to figure things out, and to rebuild himself. He told me he has been miserable for years. At first when he informed me he's moving he was telling me things like "what is 6 most in a lifetime" that he wasn't afraid to break a lease, he said maybe we cld work things out eventually but not on my terms anymore, and that he was not talking about divorce. He also said his I choose to handle it will dictate what happens in the future. All of those things gave me great hope that after some space we could possibly reconcile. But the more time goes on he is colder and more distant, andwe We cutting me out of his life completely. He told me I need to let go and to move on, and that he is going to start talking to women, and that I should do the same.
Let me start by saying we have been together 8 yrs, married for 4.We have two children, one is eight, one is turning three soon. My eight yr old daughter is from a previous relationship, not marriage but he has raised her as his own. I cheated on my husband several times:( He is an amazing man but I have had past trauma, including child abuse, and rape, which has caused me to ruin our intimacy and demise this marriage. I have counter-dependancy issues which I wasn't even aware of until this separation which has caused shock and enabled me to really dig deep and to personally grow and understand myself, and how to heal. I have been seeing a great psychologist weekly, and have been reading a lot of self help and books geared toward healing, and self esteem, breaking free from Co and counterdependancy, etc. So this separation has been a true wake up call, in a way a blessing because I am for the first time learning about myself and healing from my past. My insecurities caused me to emasculate and to be controlling to my husband, I felt so small that I wanted to make him feel smaller subconsciuosly so I felt secure. I was too afraid to be vulnerable, honest, and intimate for years :( I had a false self that I have been since a child, everyone thought I was strong, I appeared so, but inside not so much, a weak, fearful child. I hate that I have hurt my husband and our family I am so sorry that my life lesson took so much to be realized, that it had to get this far for me to wake up!
My hb is a very private person when it comes to his emotions, and tends to hold everything in, especially probably because of my controlling ways, I didn't allow home to be as honest or open I guess, but I feel like if we would have only sat down and talked and he would have let me know a year ago that he was unhaopy and thinking about leaving, etc that I would've kistened and been able to take these steps and ti try and save our family/marriage. But I don't blame him necessarily, just wish I would have known. We were just going through day to day, sleeping together, going out with kids together, saying I love you, talking ten times a day, then suddenly he was moving out.. It was shocking to me. I am grieving still yet he is done, past this stage.
I just begged, and plead, and proclaimed my love, and asked about counseling, etc for almost a month.. Now I have backed off because I need to respect him, and the more I begged, the further away I pushed him. He doesn't trust me so why would he now.
I wrote him this letter in an email below, this is from my heart and I hope that time can heal us both and we can heal this family, I pray for that.:
I know you say you're not in love with me and I believe it. But we have loved each other in the past, and we can again. I know that we have had a wealth of issues in our marriage and me personally. But I know that I have changed and I have no doubt that if you are able to let me show and share myself with you, that I can love you the right way. You are important to me, your health and happiness is important to me. We are a family, albeit a broken one right now, but one that can thrive, not just survive, one that can make all involved feel good and loved if you would allow this opportunity to grow and connect open and honestly at our cores. I know this is currently not what you have in mind. You are angry and have been hurt by me too many times and have built up emotional walls to not fall into that hurt again, you have checked out for your sanity and health, and a new, happier life you desire. I no longer want to emasculate you, control you, demean you, cheat, lie, or hide from insecurities, never truly did, just was unloving within myself for far too long, thus not showing you the love i have for you in the right ways. Love is a verb, an action, i was only having the feelings, unable to show the actions because I was too afraid to be vulnerable, and was drinking away my issues. I am able to be open and know that I am able to cherish and show you unconditional love in all aspects, because I am aware now, i am not hiding anymore, i am facing my issues and I am deeply in love with the man that you are, and the father you are, you are my family, we have a family, and that is the most important thing that there is. Please consider taking some time to figure things out as you said and see that I have a good heart if you can and see if you might be able to give this one last try, for our family to become whole, loving, and nurturing. I do truly want you to be happy and I do truly believe that we can build a strong lasting relationship through all of this which would fulfill all of our happiness and dreams with a true, unconditional love that feeds the soul. Not the infatuation, chemical love that is when a relationship is new, but a deep soul at your core love with honesty and passion and effort. I will be here for you as I said, I promise you that. I would like to see if you would be willing to go to counseling at some point as well. I want to our family to have a chance. I have and will continue my own personal counseling, I find it very beneficial. Just know that I am trying to save our marriage for our family and because I know that I can be your soul mate not just your sole mate or your role mate. I want to be there for you if you are able to allow me, you deserve a happy, fulfilling life and I do as well, and the girls, we can do this together, I know we can. As I said, take your time, be yourself, but know that I am being honest and that I will do any of what it takes to recreate a marriage that is fulfilling and lasting with you. Water your own lawn and the benefits you shall reap. The grass is not always greener. I love you very much and I appreciate you for all that you are, I care about you and your feelings. I wish to share with you the good I have and the true love I have for yo
u, and the good times we can have ahead! I believe that through all of this pain we've had that we can rise above if you are willing. Everything successful in life takes hard work and I am ready to work hard. I love you
 

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Btw, I quit drinking, I had been drinking since age 13 because of self medicsting basically, and hiding from reality, my last. Since he left me I have stopped, becsuee the addiction to alcohol was inhibiting my personal growth, and causing an inflated false self, I cheated when I I was drunk, never sober, I no longer want to hide, I want to work hard and learn new ways of coping and healing for myself, definitely my girls, and hioefully for an honest marriage with my hb.
I wanted to add one other thing, sorry I knw so long, but hb told my sister he is hoping for dissolution of marriage a few days ago.. he did not mention divorce to me, he said he is not willing to work on our marriage at this point, that he needs time to figure it out...to me.. I hope he me and that.
I'm so scared I ruined this too far gone. I will wait for him, respect his space, move on in some aspects for my sanity but no new relationships or men, working within myself and for my girls..
He just says who knows what will happen in a year, two years, or ten years... :((
 

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I am now trying to do the 180 I've read about as this I feel is the only way, my last chance for hope in reconciling, because he feels I am trying to manipulate or control him when I cry, beg, or talk anything about our relationship. This is so hard for me, but will show that I am respectful of him, and that I am changing..We have kids though, so he watches them on his off days and we were initalky spending the days he was off together as a family with the kids, but now its too hard for me, and he is backing off some, taking them to stay at his apt once, and I need to let him know I am not being controlling and that I am doing things for myself, keeping busy, with friends, so that I am not sitting there with him and the kids interfering with their time and being desperate, pitiful. Its so hard to see him so distant, a completely ifferent version if the man I've known.. He has been a great lover, and strong, admirable, honest man, I know he deeply loved me, and may still have some love in there I am hoping.
I guess I am looking for some advice, or any suggestions..?
 
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