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Okay Kimmy it is okay remember you will have days like this and it is okay to feel insecure. So let's get down to the truth most likely the OW will go with him, and that is just going to happen. Now you can't control that so lets talk about stuff you CAN control.

1. How is the letter coming?

2. Get that call in to IC this is a concrete step that will help. Right now you feel like if he is not with you he is moving on but him not being with you has advantages too those being you get to work on stuff with no distractions.

3. Find out when the appointment is and call him after. You can also let him know you don't care what time it is you would love to go with him.

5. Good job on the texts keep those up and stay away from bringing up the heavy stuff unless he does. I know you want to talk heavy but the real healing comes after those talks you guys had a lot of heavy stuff over the weekend that was a big step now he needs to get used to this depth once he is used to it he will start again.

6. Do things with your son if you can. How old is he? Then let your husband know what is going on. This has two benefits as it gives you something to do so you don't explode and teases him with his family. Just like "had a great time at, or we went to dinner at, or son just had so and so over those kinds of things"

7. It is Wednesday ask him about the weekend. Make sure to include that with his doctor appointment you would love to see him given his health concerns.

8. Are you able to see him for lunch that day? Or really any day this is a great way to get in a mini date.

You are doing great these days will come but they will also go. You are making good progress and are putting the right things in place. This will be hard but it also will be worth it either way.
 

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Discussion Starter #43
Thank you, CEL for your words of encouragement.

I will respond to each:

1. Letter is ready. I bought a special card to write it in and finished last night.

2. I put another call into the counselor around an hour ago and haven't heard back yet.

3. The appointment is 8:00 AM on Tuesday and I already told him that I would be there however early or late but he said no. I will call him after.

5. I have already sent one text today and it was well received. I messed up and emailed him at work late last night saying only: Our son is already asleep and I wish you were here and I love you. He must have read it when he got to work this morning but didn't respond to it.

6. My son is 8. He has had play dates every day this week that my H set up with his best friend. They have been here at our house. I have sent some pics of the kids playing with water guns in the backyard and he enjoyed those.

7. Today is the last of his very busy days. Should I still ask about the weekend already?

8. I have asked about lunch many times and he usually says he has a lunch appt or that he took his lunch to work. I will ask again

Really trying to keep my head up and praying a lot.
 

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Discussion Starter #44
Hi Kimmy,

I know you are hurting now and probably tough love is the last thing you want to hear. If yes, please feel free to tell me to butt out.

You are still his wife on paper, but he has moved out and lived with the OW. Technically you are not an AP, but that's how he has been treating you now. Having sex when he can steal one or two hours away from her. Stringing you along. The irony of the OW being cheated on, she totally deserves it...but why are you doing this to yourself? I'd tell her what has been going on and then just go dark on his fence-sitting, cake-eating *ss.
CEL: Do YOU think I should tell her what is going on since you know the whole story? I don't think it is a good idea. I need him to trust me. I really don't like that idea.
 

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Where does his girlfriend/live in think that he is when he is spending the night with you?

I ask because my WH lived with his OW for a time and was always at my house and doing things with me. It was a sick game I played!! He would tell the OW that he was spending time with his kids when 99% of the time it was about me and him and not our kids (to him).
 

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Discussion Starter #46
Where does his girlfriend/live in think that he is when he is spending the night with you?

I ask because my WH lived with his OW for a time and was always at my house and doing things with me. It was a sick game I played!! He would tell the OW that he was spending time with his kids when 99% of the time it was about me and him and not our kids (to him).
He tells her that he is with us. Did ya'll reconcile?
 

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CEL: Do YOU think I should tell her what is going on since you know the whole story? I don't think it is a good idea. I need him to trust me. I really don't like that idea.
NO DO NOT TELL. You want your husband back and to do that we have to stop the affair so the reasons to tell would be the following.

1. Puts pressure on her that she is still with a married man. Informs her that the married man is still sleeping with his wife and talking about getting back together.

2. By doing this you are trying to get her to back off or to sour the relationship with the husband.

3. This will be completely noneffective because she KNOWS he is sleeping with you. Oh he may tell her different but she knows it she got into a relationship with him while she was married this whole gambit is designed to appeal to her pride and morals. Given the past this will only cause animosity yes she will get mad but she will not end it.

4. By doing this you lose the ground you have already covered. You will lose his trust which is the most important thing at the moment.


This gambit would work if he was living more of a double life I am sure they just don't talk about his stays with you or if they do he probably does lie about it but creating friction by going behind his back and sabotaging is not the way to regain his trust. Later we can look at this but right now you have progress doing what you are doing so I would NOT do this.
 

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Thank you, CEL for your words of encouragement.

I will respond to each:

1. Letter is ready. I bought a special card to write it in and finished last night.

2. I put another call into the counselor around an hour ago and haven't heard back yet.

3. The appointment is 8:00 AM on Tuesday and I already told him that I would be there however early or late but he said no. I will call him after.

5. I have already sent one text today and it was well received. I messed up and emailed him at work late last night saying only: Our son is already asleep and I wish you were here and I love you. He must have read it when he got to work this morning but didn't respond to it.

6. My son is 8. He has had play dates every day this week that my H set up with his best friend. They have been here at our house. I have sent some pics of the kids playing with water guns in the backyard and he enjoyed those.

7. Today is the last of his very busy days. Should I still ask about the weekend already?

8. I have asked about lunch many times and he usually says he has a lunch appt or that he took his lunch to work. I will ask again

Really trying to keep my head up and praying a lot.
Okay you are holding the course and look like you are doing great lets just review with some points.

1, Great this is awesome next time when he is over and you get some quiet time that will not be interupted give it to him and sit with him while he reads it. He may have questions or he may cry or just want to be alone but this is great.

2. Good keep working on the counselor make sure to bring this up this weekend if he comes over.

3. Good give him call then and make sure he is okay let him know you will call him so it is not a surprise.

5. You did not mess up you expressed yourself and that is okay you can tell him you love him and miss him even if you don't get a response it does no mean it did not hit him in the guy. Just don't go to far with it as it will come across as pressure but every once in awhile is okay.

6. This is golden also do not shy away from sending stuff just about you as well.

7. I would wait till tomorrow if today is his busy day.

8. Okay then it looks like he is just getting acclimated to this right now remember the disconnect took time to happen and the healing will take time as well. I would ask him maybe once a week if he would like to do lunch so wait on this till next week.


Listen you are doing great everything you can do you are doing. The biggest point is just to make every interaction good remember for you it will be quality not quantity. And you did the right thing when you are feeling down come on her and post not like we have lives....LOL
 
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He tells her that he is with us. Did ya'll reconcile?
Well....currently we are R and have been since April but for the three years prior to that we were in false R, as I discovered in April more contact with the OW.

At this point I dont know what we are doing but we seem to be doing it well...for now! ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #51
Well....currently we are R and have been since April but for the three years prior to that we were in false R, as I discovered in April more contact with the OW.

At this point I dont know what we are doing but we seem to be doing it well...for now! ;)
Glad you are reconciled! Gives me hope
 

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Glad you are reconciled! Gives me hope
I wouldnt say we are 'reconciled' but we are working towards that. No matter how you feel at this moment or how bad you want him home and your family in tact it will always haunt you that he went to someone else.
 

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Discussion Starter #53
Feeling a little better today cuz of the following:

1. Counselor called yesterday evening and I made an appt. for next Wednesday at 2:00 and I secured a babysitter. She says first session takes about 1 and a 1/2 hours. Happy about that albeit a little nervous.

2. H called around 5 yesterday and he is coming over tonight for dinner.

3. I decided to ask him about the weekend and tried for Fri-Sun and he said he couldn't do that but, maybe Saturday night. I guess she is not going out of town for wkend like I hoped.

Still, feeling a lot better than yesterday.

His letter is ready but I am going to keep it for Saturday since he will only be here for 1-1/2 hours this evening. Is that good?
 

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Feeling a little better today cuz of the following:

1. Counselor called yesterday evening and I made an appt. for next Wednesday at 2:00 and I secured a babysitter. She says first session takes about 1 and a 1/2 hours. Happy about that albeit a little nervous.

2. H called around 5 yesterday and he is coming over tonight for dinner.

3. I decided to ask him about the weekend and tried for Fri-Sun and he said he couldn't do that but, maybe Saturday night. I guess she is not going out of town for wkend like I hoped.

Still, feeling a lot better than yesterday.

His letter is ready but I am going to keep it for Saturday since he will only be here for 1-1/2 hours this evening. Is that good?
Well this looks really good I can't find anything that does not look promising from your perspective so.

1. This is awesome when he comes over tonight mention it to him, when he asks why let him know the truth that you shut down for 4 years and disconnected from the person you love more than anything and that to make sure it does not happen again you want to know the WHY of it. Just hit those points and you should be golden.

2. So he set a date with YOU huh? That has to tell you something right there now he is looking for ways to come and see you. Just make sure you make the most of it that means dress nice and show him how awesome you are. Remember the OW may get quantity but you get quality so make sure it is a good time.

3. So do you know for certain she is going out of town? If so this is great it means that he is being truthful with you that she wants him to go out with her and that he is declining trying to give her the hint that it will not work. That would be almost as big as him postponing the divorce because he is making a clear choice not to move forward with HER.

As for the letter yeah wait on that until you get a good chunk of alone time unless something drastic happens you will get one shot with that so we want it to be an intimate moment with all the connections firing. You might want to bring up date night with him but you will have to wing it if he is just relaxing and you are not in the deep heavy relationship stuff then wait on it. If you do get into it start it out with a "You were right we should of done the date night thing I am sorry I did not see it. I would like to start doing it when you feel comfortable with it. I would love to spend just time with you one on one." Those three points will hit the hardest with him. How did his doctor appointment go? Did you call him?
 

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Discussion Starter #55
CEL;2819186) 3. So do you know for certain she is going out of town? If so this is great it means that he is being truthful with you that she wants him to go out with her and that he is declining trying to give her the hint that it will not work. That would be almost as big as him postponing the divorce because he is making a clear choice not to move forward with HER. As for the letter yeah wait on that until you get a good chunk of alone time unless something drastic happens you will get one shot with that so we want it to be an intimate moment with all the connections firing. You might want to bring up date night with him but you will have to wing it if he is just relaxing and you are not in the deep heavy relationship stuff then wait on it. If you do get into it start it out with a "You were right we should of done the date night thing I am sorry I did not see it. I would like to start doing it when you feel comfortable with it. I would love to spend just time with you one on one." Those three points will hit the hardest with him. How did his doctor appointment go? Did you call him?[/QUOTE said:
I think she is NOT going out of town at all. I am worried that they plan on going for the 4th and make a vacation out of it. That will be horrible. I don't know how I will be able to handle that.

His Dr.'s appointment ( really a tests at the hospital) is not going to be until this coming Tuesday, July 2.

I was feeling better in the AM, no anxiety is starting up again. Trying to think positive but can't help worrying that he is getting used to her and thinking that he will stay with her. I feel my hope dwindling...
 

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I really do hate reading your posts and seeing with you describe because it reminds me so much of where I was at one point. Sitting and waiting for anything from my H while he lived with the OW. He would be with me at times and she would message him (email back then before his company paid for texts) and would beg him to come "home". Its so sickening and the feelings you are having to feel are awful!

Part of me wants to tell you to knock it off and dont be there for him everytime he wants you to be but I also remember how I felt when I was in that position and it wasnt easy to do. I will tell you one thing I learned....when I stopped being available to him when HE wanted me to be he started putting in a little more effort to change his situation. I had a counselor back then that would tell me that if he said he was going to call or come over at 11 am then to have plans for 1115 and if I didnt hear from him to go on with th e plan. I was so pathetic I would sit and wait for him to call or change my plans when he did call....DONT DO THAT!! Do you answer the phone on the first ring everytime he calls? Dont do that either!
 

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I really do hate reading your posts and seeing with you describe because it reminds me so much of where I was at one point. Sitting and waiting for anything from my H while he lived with the OW. He would be with me at times and she would message him (email back then before his company paid for texts) and would beg him to come "home". Its so sickening and the feelings you are having to feel are awful!

Part of me wants to tell you to knock it off and dont be there for him everytime he wants you to be but I also remember how I felt when I was in that position and it wasnt easy to do. I will tell you one thing I learned....when I stopped being available to him when HE wanted me to be he started putting in a little more effort to change his situation. I had a counselor back then that would tell me that if he said he was going to call or come over at 11 am then to have plans for 1115 and if I didnt hear from him to go on with th e plan. I was so pathetic I would sit and wait for him to call or change my plans when he did call....DONT DO THAT!! Do you answer the phone on the first ring everytime he calls? Dont do that either!
I think her situation and yours differ on a few points but I would like your feedback if you agree or disagree as I do greatly respect your opinion.

1. Her husband filled for divorce they actually completed the paper work and were very close to divorce as in weeks.

2. He moved out to an apartment that was on his dollar the OW moved to be with him.

3. As soon as she showed signs of wanting to reconnect with him he stopped the divorce.

4. Before the was willing to divorce for 4 years he was very committed and tried to get into MC, date night, etc all the things you would do to rekindle the romantic feelings.

Your husband just seems like a different animal altogether with his multi-year affair and unwillingness to work on the relationship. Did you husband before his affair ever express a strong desire to make the marriage better? Did he ever file for divorce? Was there a sense of his emotional needs not being met? I feel your husband fits more into the cake eating cheater mentality "no offence" where he wanted to have you both and was great with that. There by your using the 180 was a declaration that he had to choose or you would for him. In this case you have what was basically a bad marriage for 4 years that is the root problem the husband however was beaten down by the lack of what he felt was love and would not move on until he felt he was worth something. Once he had this women and I really feel any women would of done just something to restore his self confidence enough he decided to file. His only reason for stopping was the changes he witnessed in his wife.

So we keep coming around to going dark and doing the 180. I don't feel this would be a good idea for the above reasons. This husband is okay with moving on I think he wants to stay with her but is leery that the recent changes will not hold. If she starts distancing from him he will rightly think she has reverted well he was willing to divorce her when she was that way so why would he not be willing to now. Again the root problem is not that he wanted things on the side he sounds as if for years he was trying to work on the marriage until finally he could not anymore. I would like to know what your thoughts are on this LetDown.
 
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I think she is NOT going out of town at all. I am worried that they plan on going for the 4th and make a vacation out of it. That will be horrible. I don't know how I will be able to handle that.

His Dr.'s appointment ( really a tests at the hospital) is not going to be until this coming Tuesday, July 2.

I was feeling better in the AM, no anxiety is starting up again. Trying to think positive but can't help worrying that he is getting used to her and thinking that he will stay with her. I feel my hope dwindling...

Your mind will be your worst enemy. But it is okay to feel this way anxiety is natural just look at where you are as opposed to just last week.

1. You don't know that they will have plans on the 4th why don't you try to make plans with him. His son is going to want to see some fireworks see if you have any good shows nearby see if he would be willing to go with and make it a family event. Ask him if he is going to be spending the holiday on a vacation with her better to have it out in the open then for it to eat you from the inside

2. You have a date with him tonight focus on that. Let him know about the counselor.

3. How far are you into the His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters? Can you guess his emotional needs? Do you know what your worst Love Busting behavior is?


Now lets talk about hope. Last week you were almost divorced and he was closed off now the is talking more, he is telling you he wants to be with you, he is making dates with you, you are having sex, he has opened up a lot more emotionally to you, he has been vulnerable with you about his dreams. You are making GREAT progress just keep you head up. Keep posting any time you want but especially if you are feeling down. Again you are going great keep fighting and we are here and do care about you.
 
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Discussion Starter #59 (Edited)
Your mind will be your worst enemy. But it is okay to feel this way anxiety is natural just look at where you are as opposed to just last week.

1. You don't know that they will have plans on the 4th why don't you try to make plans with him. His son is going to want to see some fireworks see if you have any good shows nearby see if he would be willing to go with and make it a family event. Ask him if he is going to be spending the holiday on a vacation with her better to have it out in the open then for it to eat you from the inside

2. You have a date with him tonight focus on that. Let him know about the counselor.

3. How far are you into the His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters? Can you guess his emotional needs? Do you know what your worst Love Busting behavior is?


Now lets talk about hope. Last week you were almost divorced and he was closed off now the is talking more, he is telling you he wants to be with you, he is making dates with you, you are having sex, he has opened up a lot more emotionally to you, he has been vulnerable with you about his dreams. You are making GREAT progress just keep you head up. Keep posting any time you want but especially if you are feeling down. Again you are going great keep fighting and we are here and do care about you.
Hi, that was a quick 3 hours! Some good things and hurtful news, as well.

Let me respond to your points first:

1. While we were having dinner that was ready right when he got here so I could spend time with him and not cooking, I asked what he was doing for the 4th and he didn't respond. He is very careful in answering any questions, I have noticed. I just happily said, I'm sure our son would like to shoot fireworks with you. (Believe it or not our city allows fireworks in our driveway and it is a tradition for us even on New Year's Eve.). He just grinned and did not comment.

2. I let him know about the counselor and reminded him that I will be working on myself and finding our why I shut down for so long.

3. I finished Love Busters today and am now, back to His Needs, H Needs. I am not sure what his other emotional needs are but I know they include pampering, appreciating, listening actively about his day and of course #1 is sex.

Well, first for the good news: after dinner, I was washing dishes and he came up behind me and hugged me and twirled me around and gave me a passionate kiss and thanked me for making him dinner. Then, he held me close and said, I wish we could sneak off somewhere, but our son is awake. I said, we can! He is playing his video game! So, into the bedroom, lock the door and love, love, love! Quick but very nice! I made sure to tell him how much I love him after and he told me that he loves me, too!

Now, for the hurtful part. We went outside to our back patio and I said I wish you could stay the whole weekend this time and he said, um, I might be going out of town, not for the reason I was before, but some of my Ren Faire friends are getting together and I might go. Oh, okay. I said, alone? And he said, no, she will go with me, one of them is her good friend. I stayed calm and cool even though I now realize that he met her at a Ren faire, something we used to do together but stopped 4 years ago. He started going alone and that is how we met her. I was going to suggest that we start going together, again based on what I learned from Love Busters about Independent Behaviors. Now, I guess not, if she is part of his group of friends that he has made since I stopped going. Anyway, he said that he hadn't been very nice to her and that he needed to take her even though he says he suggested that she not go. And she was like, what about me? I said, I understand but want you to know that it is very painful for me to know that you are going to take her and you are wanting to make up to her that you haven't been very nice to her. He said, yes you are being very understanding and I really appreciate it. Then he said, hon, we still don't know what is going to happen. Even if she left, I just can't come back yet. I don't even think he said yet.

OUCH! Well, then we went inside to watch Big Bang Theory episodes on the DVR, his favorite show. I watched with him and laughed and enjoyed it with him even though he kept getting texts and responding. That was also painful and distracting.

When he left, he said he may not be going out of town cuz he does have to work late since it is his end of the month closing at work and if not, he is definitely coming over. But, he then, said he MIGHT still go out of town. He told our son he would call in the morning and will probably see him Saturday.

So, the groups of friends that he wants to see are THEIR friends together...this is sooooooooooooooooooo difficult.

I am feeling very bad, right now. I am so down about the fact that this person got into his life and I know I am 50% responsible. let me explain some more: He said when I first made my turnaround that he can't believe it cuz he tried to talk to me about it soooooo many times for 4 years and I had walls up and would not budge! He said he was in so much pain all that time and I never cared. He described that me being lovable and amorous all the time was like a switch that was turned off and after Mother's Day, the switched just flipped on and he is very resentful of that. He said he had tried to show he cared for 4 years, what is so special about how he treated me Mother's Day weekend? Well, he was attentive just to me and not to my son and I. You know, he wasn't just doing things for my son that i happened to benefit from like cooking dinner most nights, cleaning the dishes, taking US to the movies, out to dinner, etc. He gave me a massage, bathed me, asked me to go outside and talk to him while he BBQed for us...all things JUST for me that he had never tried. Now, from reading Love Busters, I think the things he had been trying for 4 years were things that were HIS needs and not mine. Mother's Day weekend he did the things I need and made me feel loved AND he had filed for divorce and I knew I was losing him.

Trying to keep up hope and patience.
 

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Hi, that was a quick 3 hours! Some good things and hurtful news, as well.

Let me respond to your points first:

1. While we were having dinner that was ready right when he got here so I could spend time with him and not cooking, I asked what he was doing for the 4th and he didn't respond. He is very careful in answering any questions, I have noticed. I just happily said, I'm sure our son would like to shoot fireworks with you. (Believe it or not our city allows fireworks in our driveway and it is a tradition for us even on New Year's Eve.). He just grinned and did not comment.

2. I let him know about the counselor and reminded him that I will be working on myself and finding our why I shut down for so long.

3. I finished Love Busters today and am now, back to His Needs, H Needs. I manor sure what his other emotional needs are but I know they include pampering, appreciating, listening actively abut his day and of course #1 is sex.

Well, first for the good news: after dinner, I was washing dishes and he came up behind me and hugged me and twirled me around and gave me a passionate kiss and thanked me for making him dinner. Then, he held me close and said, I wish we could sneak off somewhere, but our son is awake. I said, we can! He is playing his video game! So, into the bedroom, lock the door and love, love, love! Quick but very nice! I made sure to tell him how much I love him after and he told me that he loves me, too!

Now, for the hurtful part. We went outside to our back patio and I said I wish you could stay the whole weekend this time and he said, um, I might be going out of town, not for the reason I was before, but some of my Ren Faires friends are getting together and I might go. Oh, okay. I said, alone? And he said, no, she will go with me, one of them is her good friend. I stayed calm and cool even though I now realize that he met her at a Ren faire, something we used to do together but stopped 4 years ago. He started going alone and that is how we met her. I was going to suggest that we start going together, again based on what I learned from Love Busters about Independent Behaviors. Now, I guess not, if she is part of his group of friends that he has made since I stopped going. Anyway, he said that he hadn't been very nice to her and that he needed to take her even though he says he suggested that she not go. I said, I understand but want you to know that it is very painful for me to know that you are going to take her and you are wanting to make up to her that you haven't been very nice to her. He said, yes you are being very understanding and I really appreciate it. We don't know what is going to happen.

OUCH! Well, then we went inside to watch Big Bang Theory episodes on the DVR, his favorite show. I watched with him and laughed and enjoyed it with him even though he kept getting texts and responding. That was also painful and distracting.

When he left, he said he may not be going out of town cuz he does have to work late and if not, he is definitely coming over. But, he then, said he MIGHT still go out of town.

So, the groups of friends that he wants to see are THEIR friends together...this is sooooooooooooooooooo difficult.

Wow Kimmy you are doing really really good. Take a moment to feel good about the fact that you are really on the ball. So I am going to take apart your post and tell you what I think.

1. While we were having dinner that was ready right when he got here so I could spend time with him and not cooking, I asked what he was doing for the 4th and he didn't respond. He is very careful in answering any questions, I have noticed. I just happily said, I'm sure our son would like to shoot fireworks with you. (Believe it or not our city allows fireworks in our driveway and it is a tradition for us even on New Year's Eve.). He just grinned and did not comment.
This was done really well your tone was good and you phrased it just right he is still a little leery but that is understandable as he feels pressure from all sides. But you laid down the seeds we will see if this comes to fruition or not but I think this was done just right. WELL DONE.

Well, first for the good news: after dinner, I was washing dishes and he came up behind me and hugged me and twirled me around and gave me a passionate kiss and thanked me for making him dinner. Then, he held me close and said, I wish we could sneak off somewhere, but our son is awake. I said, we can! He is playing his video game! So, into the bedroom, lock the door and love, love, love! Quick but very nice! I made sure to tell him how much I love him after and he told me that he loves me, too!
This was huge you handled this better than many I have seen. He initiated and then backed off this was test on your part he wanted to but was also hesitant because of in the past you have drawn away in addition this is a new dynamic for him. In the past you have only done it at night after everything has been done for the day. You stepped up and chased HIM that had to feel great to him and no doubt he will be thinking of that for days to come. This is what he will get from that "She loves me, She thinks I am attractive, She cares about me, When I need to feel loved she will be there for me." You initiated as soon as he pulled away in a classy and wonderfully wifely fashion. This made the NIGHT for him have no doubt about that.

Now, for the hurtful part. We went outside to our back patio and I said I wish you could stay the whole weekend this time and he said, um, I might be going out of town, not for the reason I was before, but some of my Ren Faires friends are getting together and I might go. Oh, okay. I said, alone? And he said, no, she will go with me, one of them is her good friend. I stayed calm and cool even though I now realize that he met her at a Ren faire, something we used to do together but stopped 4 years ago. He started going alone and that is how we met her. I was going to suggest that we start going together, again based on what I learned from Love Busters about Independent Behaviors.
Now as hurtful as this is I want you to take a step back from this. Now you can see HOW this started it was not just about the sex it was a complete disconnect 4 years ago you started to distance yourself from him. He had things he did alone and you were okay with that because you did not want to do them. This allowed the affair proper boundaries in a relationship are what make it affair proof. Now you know you noticed the behavior and you noticed it was Love Busting. As painful as this is you have to be happy with yourself because when you get him back you will know that this is an area to work on. NO MORE independent dates. A couple does things together. And not only that but you understood that this was an opportunity to improve the marriage again this is a good way from where you were. Look at how far you have come you now can SEE what is good and bad for the relationship and WHY. Good for you.

Now lets take this outing I would not put to much into it he is not going to do it WITH her it is not something he is doing just for her. He is going because he has been doing this for years and she is part of it. So do not make this into something romantic. Is it dangerous? Yes. Could you lose some ground? Yes. But can you gain that ground back? Hell Yes if you even do lose any ground. I say this because I will not lie to you.


Anyway, he said that he hadn't been very nice to her and that he needed to take her even though he says he suggested that she not go. I said, I understand but want you to know that it is very painful for me to know that you are going to take her and you are wanting to make up to her that you haven't been very nice to her. He said, yes you are being very understanding and I really appreciate it. We don't know what is going to happen.
Again well done this is how you handle things don't hide your feeling from him. YOU DO NOT condone the AFFAIR. He is hurting you and his behavior no matter what you did does NOT under any circumstances excuse him having an affair. So you told him how you felt in a non dramatic fashion and he acknowledged that you are being a wonderful women WITHOUT being a doormat. What did he say specifically on "We don't know what is going to happen?" Just how did this go?

OUCH! Well, then we went inside to watch Big Bang Theory episodes on the DVR, his favorite show. I watched with him and laughed and enjoyed it with him even though he kept getting texts and responding. That was also painful and distracting.
Lots of texts? Of or just few? If he is always responding on his phone then this something to gently bring up. Just simple please don't answer her when we are together it hurts me. Very simple and direct and a make it a request. Like I said you DO NOT condone the affair when it hurts you, tell him you don't have to be judgmental or start a fight in fact avoid both of those but you can be reasonable. I think once you ask him he will put it away.

When he left, he said he may not be going out of town cuz he does have to work late and if not, he is definitely coming over. But, he then, said he MIGHT still go out of town.

So, the groups of friends that he wants to see are THEIR friends together...this is sooooooooooooooooooo difficult.
So he first says well I have to go away at first then as he gets around you he thinks "This is awesome why the hell would I want to go away when I can have great sex with my WIFE and spend time with my SON. I don't think this was lie or a tease on his part I think this is honestly him starting to GET IT. Yes he wants to see those friends. Yes he wants to try to be nice to the OW. But in all this you need to understand for YEARS all he wanted to do is spend days like this with YOU. Now that he is having that he REALLY just wants to be with you. Take it another way he came to you tonight with a plan of how his week was going to go and you know what you with your wonderfulness made him doubt that plan, you made him rethink it as YOU are looking like a LOT more fun to be with. Now will it happen? I don't know but it would not surprise me if he decided to stay with you this weekend. Plus he says clearly if he does not go out of town then he WILL stay with you so in the future you can expect him to be WAY more open to this even if it does not pan out this weekend.

Now lets address the OW this is how I feel. I don't give a shyte what she gave up. I don't care how much she loves YOUR husband. All that matters is that you get him back once that happens you both will still have work to do but we need her GONE before we can get there. You are making VERY GOOD progress in both changing yourself, educating yourself and getting your husband back. This was a GREAT step forward.
 
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