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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just wanted to get people's advice on friendships while married. How would you feel if your partner added new single people to facebook because they are friends of friends and have met in person? Some innocent flirting has gone on but your partner offers to help the person out with for example....moving or relationship advice. This women has even offered to have my husband over for "play dates" with our kids. I've never met her and she also visits my husband at work. He insists they are just friends and nothing shady is going on but I think it's inappropriate for a married man to have friendships with single women. I think married people should be friends with couples or at least offer that I meet her in person and become friends with her as well. I need advice on how to explain this to my husband without it seeming controlling. I've tried to talk to him about it and his reasoning is that he's a nice guy and likes to help people.
 

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I would like for my husband to introduce me to them ASAP. Have a party, create an outing and round up friends. Whatever. And then I would observe whether these women are interested in being friends with us, with me being the contact point or if they insist upon carrying a separate friendship with my husband.

If it's the latter, then there is no possibility for a friendship.
 

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I think it's inappropriate for a married man to have friendships with single women.
Just out of curiosity, do you have single male friends? The wording struck me as odd.

Anyway, assuming you don't, I'd say just be honest - tell him that your marriage is important enough for you to want to protect it, and you'd like to have a boundary where neither of you have opposite sex friendships. Or whatever boundary you think is appropriate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I have single guy friends on my facebook but don't have conversations in private message with them or hang out with them in person.
 

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I have single guy friends on my facebook but don't have conversations in private message with them or hang out with them in person.
I suggest that you and your H sit down and discuss what is appropriate as far as opposite sex friendships go, and that you should be prepared to give up these single Facebook friends if he asks you to as part of this compromise.
 

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I'm going to try and talk to him tonight and will let you all know what happens tomorrow.
We all know what is probably going to happen when you talk to your husband. First he will tell you that they are "just friends". Then he will tell you that you are jealous and controlling. Then he will tell you that you have no right to decide who he can be friends with.

How do I know this will probably happen before it happens? Because this is what all future cheaters say as they develop inappropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex. What makes this inappropriate, is that you are being kept out of it. Many married people do not have opposite sex at all. Those that do, require that the opposite sex friend be a friend of the marriage and a friend of the spouse. They also require that the spouse always feels welcome to come when they are together. Your husband's relationship with this other women does not meet any of these healthy criteria.

If you caught it early enough, he has not physically cheated on you yet. Emotionally he is already getting hooked. It is normal for it to feel good when a person of the opposite sex pays attention to you. We as humans are wired this way. This releases drugs in the brain that can be addictive. The newer the relationship, the stronger the drugs. This newness factor is often called getting some "strange" by players such as Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen ex-wife Denise Richards was considered by many to be one of the most beautiful woman on the planet, yet she could not compete with far less attractive "strange". Same with Tiger Woods ex-wife. This is why letting this emotional connection develop is unhealthy for the marriage.

The longer that you wait to put your foot down the worse are your odds to save your marriage. Here is the rub. The earlier that you stop it, the less that they will feel that they have done anything wrong, because they will not acknowledge an emotional affair as cheating. But if you wait for them to let it to progress to a point that they feel that they have done something wrong, it is often too late by then. So take the anger from them them now rather than wait until it is too late. Draw the line in the sand now while you still matter to your husband. Affairs often lose their attraction when real life invades on them.
 

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My wife has said as long as she meets the person, then it is not a big deal. My wife also has some friends of the opposite sex that I am either not friends with or know just a little.
 

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Just wanted to get people's advice on friendships while married. How would you feel if your partner added new single people to facebook because they are friends of friends and have met in person? Some innocent flirting has gone on but your partner offers to help the person out with for example....moving or relationship advice. This women has even offered to have my husband over for "play dates" with our kids. I've never met her and she also visits my husband at work. He insists they are just friends and nothing shady is going on but I think it's inappropriate for a married man to have friendships with single women. I think married people should be friends with couples or at least offer that I meet her in person and become friends with her as well. I need advice on how to explain this to my husband without it seeming controlling. I've tried to talk to him about it and his reasoning is that he's a nice guy and likes to help people.
Ummmm ... no. Just no.

Don't worry about being called anything. Not jealous or insecure or controlling. Just do what you have to do to protect the marriage.

Just tell him that you find this unaccpetable and if he wants to be nice and help he can start and be nice to your marriage and to you. End of story. He blocks them in facebook and they are history.
 

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I have single guy friends on my facebook but don't have conversations in private message with them or hang out with them in person.
No because to do say one on one is called dating. So good for you.

You guys may want to do His Needs Her Needs together and define and agree upon some tighter opposite sex friend boundaries.
 

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I am fairly liberal with my attitude to opposite sex friends but if some chick was going to his work place to visit him I would get that stopped asap. I don't even go to his work place to visit.

Sounds like she either has no concept of what boundaries mean or she knows exactly what she is doing and she is looking for more than a friendship.
 

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I cannot see what the problem is with people in a steady relationship having single friends of the opposite gender. In fact the gender and relationship status of our friends should have no bearing on how we treat them. I have been married for nearly 20 years and have had many platonic friendships with single women and my wife has had single male friends. Some of these have been with mutual friends or neighbors; some have been co workers or members of the same church or parents of our own children’s friends. These friendships are openly discussed and we all gain from them. Over the years I have had to remind a few friends that it’s “just friends” but if done politely and subtlety this does not cause a problem.

Both my wife and myself do go out of our way to help our friends in our own way, my wife will often look after friends children for the evening to allow them to have a grown up evening out. We both try to help / advice new parents especially with their first child. We often have single friends around even when one of us is not there. For my part I am often asked to help with DIY around the house or to fix a car. During the resent snows in the UK our 4 by 4 (SUV) did several extra shopping trips for those who could not get out safely in their standard cars.

Just because of are in a relationship (marriage / civil union/ etc) with someone does not mean that you own them, they can and should be able to form friendships with whomever they please. You should be able to trust your partner to stick to whatever vows or promises they have made. If they can’t keep their word OR you can’t trust then you face real problems.
 

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I cannot see what the problem is with people in a steady relationship having single friends of the opposite gender.
There is no problem if both spouses have good boundaries and/or are connected very deeply and intimately. (If that's you, that's great for you!)

The problem arises when one spouse does not. (That's the OP's hubby, not so good for her, and boundaries are appropriate.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Well I talked to him last night and he insists that it's not a big deal and he's just acquaintances with her because she is a friend of a friend. I told him I think it's inappropriate for him to be offering to help her move and it's inappropriate for her to ask him over for playdates with our kids. The issue is still not really resolved because he says he doesn't understand why it's inappropriate. I tried my best to explain it to him but he says he's confused why it's inappropriate to offer to help a friend. I really don't know where to go with this now, the same issue just keeps coming up. I asked him to flip the tables and he said he wouldn't care because he trusts me. I told him I trust him too but why bring in possible threats to our marriage. We need to protect our marriage. I'm going to try and bring it up again tonight to try and resolve it. Any tips on how else to explain it to him??
 
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