This is my first post here.
My husband and I have lived together for 6 1/2 years. When we did move in together, we were both smokers. I smoked for 5 years and quit almost 2 years ago now, when I had a health scare.
Since, my husband has consistently stated that he would also like to quit smoking. About a month ago, he got involved in a smoking cessation program provided by his employer. I want to emphasize that this was his choice and that i had never pressured him. I have only nagged about him smoking in my face/ house because I'm still trying to stay smoke free. I know exactly how hard it is to quit smoking and that it has to be a personal decision to succeed. I have tried my best to be supportive. He set a quit date and decided to give himself an incentive to quit.
I told him at that time that I was afraid that his incentive would lead to him lying to me about continued smoking. As it turns out, I was right. I caught him yesterday going through a very lengthy ritual to hide his smoking. he voluntarily walked the dog at the time of day that I normally do, changed shirts as soon as he came in, started eating a piece of candy, and washed his hands. That made me suspicious. I noticed several hours later when I kissed him, as I was going to leave for a while, that his mouth tasted of cigarettes.
Later that evening, after asking a few leading questions to give him the opportunity to admit what was going on, I confronted him about the kiss and the shirt (that he took off as soon as he came in) that smelled like smoke. He tried very hard to keep lying to me. He went so far as to try to make me feel guilty for not believing him when he lied. "I've been trying so hard and struggling. I've been proud of myself for how good I've done. I haven't smoked in 2 weeks. I thought you'd be happy for me. etc."
When I reminded him that I had been a smoker for 5 years and that I knew what was going on, he told me the truth. That he had been smoking behind my back for at least a week. That a co- worker and a neighbor we barely know had been helping him hide it from me.
I was devastated and still am. I know that quitting is hard. I wanted to be part of his support system, but instead he lied to me. I don't feel like I can trust him at all anymore. The lengths he went to hide this from me and the ease of the lie. He even tried to manipulate my feelings to keep his lie a secret. I feel really stupid for being so understanding through the mood swings and cravings. It is like he completely played me, and now I'm questioning other things. I struggle with depression and now feel very alone.
Is it an overreaction to be so upset? I could handle him having a hard time. I can't handle him lying to me. I'm literally always honest with him. I thought our relationship was a 2 way street in that sense. I just want to trust him again and have our easy relationship back.
My husband and I have lived together for 6 1/2 years. When we did move in together, we were both smokers. I smoked for 5 years and quit almost 2 years ago now, when I had a health scare.
Since, my husband has consistently stated that he would also like to quit smoking. About a month ago, he got involved in a smoking cessation program provided by his employer. I want to emphasize that this was his choice and that i had never pressured him. I have only nagged about him smoking in my face/ house because I'm still trying to stay smoke free. I know exactly how hard it is to quit smoking and that it has to be a personal decision to succeed. I have tried my best to be supportive. He set a quit date and decided to give himself an incentive to quit.
I told him at that time that I was afraid that his incentive would lead to him lying to me about continued smoking. As it turns out, I was right. I caught him yesterday going through a very lengthy ritual to hide his smoking. he voluntarily walked the dog at the time of day that I normally do, changed shirts as soon as he came in, started eating a piece of candy, and washed his hands. That made me suspicious. I noticed several hours later when I kissed him, as I was going to leave for a while, that his mouth tasted of cigarettes.
Later that evening, after asking a few leading questions to give him the opportunity to admit what was going on, I confronted him about the kiss and the shirt (that he took off as soon as he came in) that smelled like smoke. He tried very hard to keep lying to me. He went so far as to try to make me feel guilty for not believing him when he lied. "I've been trying so hard and struggling. I've been proud of myself for how good I've done. I haven't smoked in 2 weeks. I thought you'd be happy for me. etc."
When I reminded him that I had been a smoker for 5 years and that I knew what was going on, he told me the truth. That he had been smoking behind my back for at least a week. That a co- worker and a neighbor we barely know had been helping him hide it from me.
I was devastated and still am. I know that quitting is hard. I wanted to be part of his support system, but instead he lied to me. I don't feel like I can trust him at all anymore. The lengths he went to hide this from me and the ease of the lie. He even tried to manipulate my feelings to keep his lie a secret. I feel really stupid for being so understanding through the mood swings and cravings. It is like he completely played me, and now I'm questioning other things. I struggle with depression and now feel very alone.
Is it an overreaction to be so upset? I could handle him having a hard time. I can't handle him lying to me. I'm literally always honest with him. I thought our relationship was a 2 way street in that sense. I just want to trust him again and have our easy relationship back.