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This is my first post here.

My husband and I have lived together for 6 1/2 years. When we did move in together, we were both smokers. I smoked for 5 years and quit almost 2 years ago now, when I had a health scare.

Since, my husband has consistently stated that he would also like to quit smoking. About a month ago, he got involved in a smoking cessation program provided by his employer. I want to emphasize that this was his choice and that i had never pressured him. I have only nagged about him smoking in my face/ house because I'm still trying to stay smoke free. I know exactly how hard it is to quit smoking and that it has to be a personal decision to succeed. I have tried my best to be supportive. He set a quit date and decided to give himself an incentive to quit.

I told him at that time that I was afraid that his incentive would lead to him lying to me about continued smoking. As it turns out, I was right. I caught him yesterday going through a very lengthy ritual to hide his smoking. he voluntarily walked the dog at the time of day that I normally do, changed shirts as soon as he came in, started eating a piece of candy, and washed his hands. That made me suspicious. I noticed several hours later when I kissed him, as I was going to leave for a while, that his mouth tasted of cigarettes.

Later that evening, after asking a few leading questions to give him the opportunity to admit what was going on, I confronted him about the kiss and the shirt (that he took off as soon as he came in) that smelled like smoke. He tried very hard to keep lying to me. He went so far as to try to make me feel guilty for not believing him when he lied. "I've been trying so hard and struggling. I've been proud of myself for how good I've done. I haven't smoked in 2 weeks. I thought you'd be happy for me. etc."

When I reminded him that I had been a smoker for 5 years and that I knew what was going on, he told me the truth. That he had been smoking behind my back for at least a week. That a co- worker and a neighbor we barely know had been helping him hide it from me.

I was devastated and still am. I know that quitting is hard. I wanted to be part of his support system, but instead he lied to me. I don't feel like I can trust him at all anymore. The lengths he went to hide this from me and the ease of the lie. He even tried to manipulate my feelings to keep his lie a secret. I feel really stupid for being so understanding through the mood swings and cravings. It is like he completely played me, and now I'm questioning other things. I struggle with depression and now feel very alone.

Is it an overreaction to be so upset? I could handle him having a hard time. I can't handle him lying to me. I'm literally always honest with him. I thought our relationship was a 2 way street in that sense. I just want to trust him again and have our easy relationship back.
 

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I know just how you feel. My husband has quit/started again so many times and taking it back up again is always accompanied by hiding it an lying when asked about it. I've told him repeatedly that the smoking makes me worry about his health, but the lying about it is a much deeper betrayal that is just so much more serious. But it never changes the cycle. More recently, he's done as your husband has and really stood by the lie even though I had no doubt because I found cigs in his car, and counted them, and then checked them a few days later. I SO wanted him to just be truthful, but when I knew for sure that he was smoking regularly again because there was only 1 left in the pack, I asked him about it, and he lied and said he had had that 1 cigarette for a long time and wasn't smoking. He even acted confrontational to me for even thinking he had been smoking again. When I told him I knew the truth, and how I knew it, I walked away and later when I came back he admitted everything. He has a problem with lying and I can never trust him fully because of it. After years of lying about many things, it has destroyed the marriage and we are splitting up now.

I wish I had some secret to share with you but I don't. I find it sad that your husband seems to be lying just so he can follow through on his incentive. That's just a dumb reason and a horrible trade off for him to make. I assume this because you empathize with him, want to support him and would likely understand that it's common to have setbacks. So I doubt you'd be mad at him for failing this time around.

The problem with trying to get outside advice about this type of lying is that most people don't seem to be able to separate the lying issue from the quitting smoking issue. Even the responder above offers the advice on helping him quit smoking. That's NOT what you have a problem with right now. The lying about it is simply unacceptable no matter how difficult it is to quit. Sorry it's hard to quit, but lying about it doesn't help anything, and it being hard doesn't excuse lying to your spouse.

Lying is also a hard issue to deal with because you hear so many different things from others when you are trying to make sense of it ... from if they lie to you, leave them, to everybody lies and some lies are ok ... So, do you leave over this lie? I think that's extreme. But I can tell you that if he doesn't get what it does to the relationship, then he'll keep it up and eventually, you will have enough of being with someone who would do that to you and who you cannot trust to be completely honest. For me, a marriage without honesty doesn't feel genuine.

It also hurts when other people know and you are kept in the dark and they know it. That is humiliating. You are supposed to know more about him than anyone else and when you find out that others know something so big that you don't, AND that they know he lies to you about it too, you feel foolish.

So I understand it all. And I'm sorry. I wish they didn't act so stupid sometimes :(
 

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The fact that he is hiding it from you is because of how you react. Its sounds like you are the mom and he is the kid. Maybe be supportive of him. If he slips up, encourage him. This is his choice and I think you are making it harder for him to quit. You're making him want to smoke by monitoring him. If he wants to smoke he is going to smoke, period. Just back off and let him do this his way.
 

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The fact that he is hiding it from you is because of how you react. Its sounds like you are the mom and he is the kid. Maybe be supportive of him. If he slips up, encourage him. This is his choice and I think you are making it harder for him to quit. You're making him want to smoke by monitoring him. If he wants to smoke he is going to smoke, period. Just back off and let him do this his way.
I fully agree.
 

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Being disappointed or even hurt by what he is doing is human nature, BUT it wont help anything. I have a feeling he is dealing with a certain amount of guilt and shame himself for smoking again. He is probably quite disappointed himself as well. Doesn't mean its enough to stop though. Some things you could try.

*Be accepting of his choice, and take care of you.
*Do not be accepting of his choice, and try to make him feel bad and more guilt (which will just breed resentment on his part)
*Try to encourage him (but not nag) to quit again by lifting him up in a positive manner.
*Divorce him over it if its that big of an issue for you and you can not live with it.
 

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He's not ready to quit. I smoked for 17 years and just quit 2 months ago because I was ready.
 

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I told him at that time that I was afraid that his incentive would lead to him lying to me about continued smoking. As it turns out, I was right.

I caught him yesterday going through a very lengthy ritual to hide his smoking.

Later that evening, after asking a few leading questions to give him the opportunity to admit what was going on, I confronted him

That a co- worker and a neighbor we barely know had been helping him hide it from me.

I was devastated and still am.

I know that quitting is hard. I wanted to be part of his support system, but instead he lied to me. I don't feel like I can trust him at all anymore. The lengths he went to hide this from me and the ease of the lie. He even tried to manipulate my feelings to keep his lie a secret. I feel really stupid for being so understanding through the mood swings and cravings. It is like he completely played me, and now I'm questioning other things. I struggle with depression and now feel very alone.

Is it an overreaction to be so upset? I could handle him having a hard time. I can't handle him lying to me. I'm literally always honest with him. I thought our relationship was a 2 way street in that sense. I just want to trust him again and have our easy relationship back.
Whats left of your quote above looks like indications of a larger problem. Ask yourself why he would feel the need to go to such an extent. Also he doesnt have the same values as you regarding honesty. My wife and I dont have the same values on this either. I adjusted my approach to accomodate it rather than expect her to be a carbon copy of me. Its reality.
 

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You could look at this situation and see him as a just a liar, or you could ask yourself why he doesn't feel he can tell you the truth. He's probably ashamed of his weakness, ashamed of your disappointment. Maybe he knew he'd get dragged through broken glass by his wife. He had a smoke. He didn't sneak out and rob banks or rape babies or have an affair with the neighbor's wife.
For this awful transgression, he was interrogated at some length and his wife is on this forum wondering if she can ever trust her husband with anything ever again. A bit extreme, I think, especially coming from someone who had suffered from the same addiction.
It's a freakin' addiction, as well you personally know. Very few people successfully quit on their first attempt. He's apparently trying and in spite of his weakness, he has significantly reduced his smoking. Support would look like praising the effort and encouraging him not to completely give up after stumbling.
 

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You do realise that this is very common yes? Alot of my mates have a smoke with me but always remind me not to let their wives/gfs know.

And what unbelievable said:
You could look at this situation and see him as a just a liar, or you could ask yourself why he doesn't feel he can tell you the truth. He's probably ashamed of his weakness, ashamed of your disappointment. Maybe he knew he'd get dragged through broken glass by his wife. He had a smoke. He didn't sneak out and rob banks or rape babies or have an affair with the neighbor's wife.
Personally I got tired of sneaking so I just smoke in front of my wife and tell her I'll quit on my own terms. Besides I already quit alcohol so she knows if I really want it I can do it. But meh, I enjoy it too much.
 

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I am familiar with lung cancer. That said, it's your husband's decision of whether to quit. I don't think nagging him and getting involved with him in this way is helpful. I'd step back a little.
 
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