husband lying about smoking

I know just how you feel. My husband has quit/started again so many times and taking it back up again is always accompanied by hiding it an lying when asked about it. I've told him repeatedly that the smoking makes me worry about his health, but the lying about it is a much deeper betrayal that is just so much more serious. But it never changes the cycle. More recently, he's done as your husband has and really stood by the lie even though I had no doubt because I found cigs in his car, and counted them, and then checked them a few days later. I SO wanted him to just be truthful, but when I knew for sure that he was smoking regularly again because there was only 1 left in the pack, I asked him about it, and he lied and said he had had that 1 cigarette for a long time and wasn't smoking. He even acted confrontational to me for even thinking he had been smoking again. When I told him I knew the truth, and how I knew it, I walked away and later when I came back he admitted everything. He has a problem with lying and I can never trust him fully because of it. After years of lying about many things, it has destroyed the marriage and we are splitting up now.

I wish I had some secret to share with you but I don't. I find it sad that your husband seems to be lying just so he can follow through on his incentive. That's just a dumb reason and a horrible trade off for him to make. I assume this because you empathize with him, want to support him and would likely understand that it's common to have setbacks. So I doubt you'd be mad at him for failing this time around.

The problem with trying to get outside advice about this type of lying is that most people don't seem to be able to separate the lying issue from the quitting smoking issue. Even the responder above offers the advice on helping him quit smoking. That's NOT what you have a problem with right now. The lying about it is simply unacceptable no matter how difficult it is to quit. Sorry it's hard to quit, but lying about it doesn't help anything, and it being hard doesn't excuse lying to your spouse.

Lying is also a hard issue to deal with because you hear so many different things from others when you are trying to make sense of it ... from if they lie to you, leave them, to everybody lies and some lies are ok ... So, do you leave over this lie? I think that's extreme. But I can tell you that if he doesn't get what it does to the relationship, then he'll keep it up and eventually, you will have enough of being with someone who would do that to you and who you cannot trust to be completely honest. For me, a marriage without honesty doesn't feel genuine.

It also hurts when other people know and you are kept in the dark and they know it. That is humiliating. You are supposed to know more about him than anyone else and when you find out that others know something so big that you don't, AND that they know he lies to you about it too, you feel foolish.

So I understand it all. And I'm sorry. I wish they didn't act so stupid sometimes

You could look at this situation and see him as a just a liar, or you could ask yourself why he doesn't feel he can tell you the truth. He's probably ashamed of his weakness, ashamed of your disappointment. Maybe he knew he'd get dragged through broken glass by his wife. He had a smoke. He didn't sneak out and rob banks or rape babies or have an affair with the neighbor's wife.
For this awful transgression, he was interrogated at some length and his wife is on this forum wondering if she can ever trust her husband with anything ever again. A bit extreme, I think, especially coming from someone who had suffered from the same addiction.
It's a freakin' addiction, as well you personally know. Very few people successfully quit on their first attempt. He's apparently trying and in spite of his weakness, he has significantly reduced his smoking. Support would look like praising the effort and encouraging him not to completely give up after stumbling.