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I have been happily married for 5 yrs. We have been together for 10. For the 1st 3 yrs we had an on and off again relationship. Then I got pregnant and we stopped playing games. (I was 17 when we began the relationship.... that's why I say games). During a time when we where off for around 2 months he was sleeping around with another girl. I knew he was dating....as was I. But when we got back together he said he never slept with anybody. About 8 years later....5 into our marriage, we were talking about random junk one night in bed. Then I was joking around saying I know how he use to sleep around with all the girls he was with when we where broken up. Then he admitted that he did sleep with only one other girl and he never wanted to tell me because he knew I would flip out. I am super confused on how to handle the situation. We were both pretty happy in our relationship. But I am the type of person that it is really hard to forgive someone over not being truthful. I am also the type of person who does not want to be married just for the children. That's why it took me 2 extra years before I married him, just to make sure he was the one. I know that if we had no children I would leave him. But we do and I am pregnant again. I know we were not together at the time, but it is really hard to deal with the fact that he married me knowing that he had lied to me. Plus the fact that he had no problem living with that lie for like 7 years. Super confused and would just like to hear other peoples point of view.
 

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I think this is what separates men and women. Most women view sex as something meaningful whereas most men view it as just sex. No big deal. Perhaps he knew that if he told you, you would want to leave him and didn't want that? And look where you are, years later, angry over something that happened years ago. Your trust in him has been shaken, I get it.

My husband did the same thing to me. When we starting dating, I kissed another dude in a bar. I told him about it and for years he would bring it up about what a "hose bag" I was for kissing someone else. Then one night we were talking about stuff and he told me he had random sex with a girl dressed in a clown costume in his backseat around the same time I kissed that other guy.

My anger was because he was upset I kissed someone, KNOWING secretly that he had sex with someone. All he can remember about her is she called him HONEY CHILD.

After my anger cooled, I realized it wasn't a big deal. There are so many other things that are much more important than to dwell on the past. To your husband, this is the past. To you, it is the present because you just found out about it. You will cool down eventually. If that is your husband's only crime, you are lucky.

Now, years later, I will call my H HONEY CHILD just to get a rise out of him. Then I say he's the hose bag and we laugh about it.

Do you think your reaction could be hormones because you are pregnant? I have never been pregnant, so I am just asking. Besides this episode, is he a good man otherwise? Are there other reasons you are so angry with him and this lie broke the camel's back?
 
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Endlessgrief
not sure if it is the hormones. I thought about that too. But we did have trust issues since the beginning of our relationship. Thats the on and off again reason. Now I feel like I am back in that same place again. We are both guilty of talking to other people during our relationship....breaking up over it....getting back together. Then o or both would get caught doing it again. It all started because I had a girls trip the Mexico and when I was there we were partying with a known rapper. He took that news as....I was being a groupie and sleeping with them. Very far from the truth. So that same night he went out and kissed some girl at the club. All my trust went down the drain from there. Then I was overly jealous. And always looking in his phone, computer...extra. that's how I would find out about other girls. But we would always break up and for some reason find ourselfs back together. Since my 1st pregnancy, it was like we both got really serious about us and the new family we were making. And all these issues went away. Now I feel like we are back in the same spot again. If I knew this I would have never been with him. And he knows that. Now I am not sure if we should stay married since it was based on the lie he told me.
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What your intuition is telling you about your relationship? I know being truthful is an important value for you, but how much of an impact will it be on your decision?
 

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Sounds like your relationship has a cycle that keeps repeating itself. The cycle sounds exhausting. I am not one of those people that believes people should stay together because of the children. Kids know when things aren't right as you know.

Would your life be easier without him? Could you make it on your own as a single mother? You can't live your life wondering "what crap is gonna happen next." Were you just as jealous with other boyfriends or just your husband? Some people just bring out the bad in each other. The sexual passion is hot at first and it can feel like love, but once the passion cools, you gotta be with someone you trust and who can be your best friend.

One more question: how did you feel on your wedding day? Did it feel right? Were you over the moon excited to marry him? Or were you unsure, doubtful, and anxious?

The reason I ask these questions is I know of some women (my aunt and a few of my friends) who wanted to run as they were getting ready to walk down the isle. The didn't feel happy, they felt dread but they went through with it anyway. Your gut never lies. Their marriages all were troubled marriages.

In your gut, deep down, are you in love with your husband? Does he make your life better?

Geez, I am full of questions today!
 

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Mistyl, I'm not going to say that his lie was ok. But you started out saying you've been happily married for 5 years. You also said you took an extra 2 years just to make sure he was the one. If my math is correct, he was in his very early 20's when this happened - 21, 22 perhaps? Not really a mature male at that age. Not one that truly considers the consequences of his actions. I know it sounds like I'm trying to justify it, but really I'm not. It was still wrong.

You're married, one child, one on the way. Do you have any evidence or even intuition that he would do something like this again? That he has been unfaithful or lied. You said you KNEW he was dating when you were broken up. If you really can't forgive him for the lie, then you should get out because it will always be there. And I mean completely let it go. If you can't let it go completely, but decide to stay, then who is living the lie now?
 

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Let it go

See a counselor if you need help resolving this issue in your mind.

While the lie wasn't right, it sounds as if he could have never told you and taken this secret to the grave. I think that his revealing it to you now is also a sign of how much he's matured and how much he feels for you and trusts you.

Your reaction shows that maybe you still have some room for growth in the compassion department

Why would you throw away a good relationship over somethng that happened in the past while you weren't together?
 

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The past is the past. We all have to learn how to forgive, for some they can forgive and forget - for others they can only forgive.

He did eventually come clean.

endlessgrief did give you some good questions to ask yourself. And of course MC could be a good thing for you guys.
 
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