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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my first post. This looks like a great resource and I hope to get and give some help!

So...
My husband of 5 months (together for 4 years) has had a female friend for years. I asked them about their past relationship and he said she had a thing for him in highschool but he didn't feel the same way and they were just friends.
She came to our wedding, I liked her and had a good time. Admittedly, I'm a big snoop. I know it was wrong but I went looking through his online messages. She sent him a message two days after our wedding saying that she loved him since she was 17 and she'll love him forever and he was the first person she ever slept with and the last before she got married (she got married during the year we were engaged.) She went on to say how much he meant to her and that she was glad she came to the wedding. He responded back saying "awww, thanks" and it was good to see her. I don't think there was any cheating. I'm not worried about that. However, he did lie about the past relationship and the message makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure he lied knowing that I'm a jealous person and that I would be upset that when they spoke.
The thing I love about my husband is that he NEVER lies. He holds honesty as one of the highest virtues and has made ME want to be a better person and more honest. But, now I feel differently.I SEE him differently. Should I confront him? If I do, I'll have to admit to the snooping...
 

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If you don't think there is anything more to this, it sounds like he may have massaged the truth a little bit because he was worried about your jealousy. Which, if you are snooping, I guess makes sense.

In an odd sort of way, confronting him and admitting the snooping is probably the most honest action you can do - all the behind the back stuff from both of you would be out in the open. It would also be the most volatile option, though.
 

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You can't control what that woman texted your husband. Yes, it was inappropriate but what can you do?

In regards to lying about the relationship, maybe he didn't feel the way she felt...that is completely possible. So for him, it didn't mean "love forever" like it meant to her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
That_girl,

At first, I was mad at him even for the message (it was FB), but you're right HE didn't write it. SHE did. So, we can say I'm not her biggest fan anymore.

Yeah, I believe that he doesn't have feelings for her now. But, he said, he never did and they were just friends. It's the lying about having sex that bothers me. Its not like him to have sex with someone "by accident" if they had a friendship. I want to know Why did he lie about it?

Acorn, my jealousy is problem in itself I guess. Its just really unlike him to lie.
 

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That_girl,
I want to know Why did he lie about it?

Acorn, my jealousy is problem in itself I guess. Its just really unlike him to lie.

You will have to ask him if you want to know why he lied. Since your jealousy is an issue, perhaps that's why? Maybe he did it to spare your feelings.
 

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That_girl,

At first, I was mad at him even for the message (it was FB), but you're right HE didn't write it. SHE did. So, we can say I'm not her biggest fan anymore.

Yeah, I believe that he doesn't have feelings for her now. But, he said, he never did and they were just friends. It's the lying about having sex that bothers me. Its not like him to have sex with someone "by accident" if they had a friendship. I want to know Why did he lie about it?

Acorn, my jealousy is problem in itself I guess. Its just really unlike him to lie.
My take on it is this: This is the past. Lie or not, it's the past and it's not real now. SHE messaged him, and as long and he keeps her in the past and doesn't respond to her BS, then I say not worry. Yes, it would bother me as well...omg...but I trust my husband.
 

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You will have to ask him if you want to know why he lied. Since your jealousy is an issue, perhaps that's why? Maybe he did it to spare your feelings.
This is it in a nutshell. I would be shocked if this dynamic was not in play here.

OP - I'm not blaming his lying on your jealousy but I don't believe it is a stretch to say the two are related.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I agree completely. It was because, I can be jealous sometimes, that he lied.
I trust my husband. Thats why the lie throws me.
I think, I'm going to try to let it go and not talk to him about it. Which is hard...really hard. We usually have a pretty open line of communication. It's hard not to act differently, when I feel so, I guess the word is "unsettled."
However, if she contacts him again, I will tell him it makes me uncomfortable.
Sound like the best plan?
 

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This is why my wife and I didn't share any of those bs stories. What difference does it really make anyway? The important thing is your and his character now. Who slept with whom is just a lie waiting to happen. That said, now that it's out there I really think you have to clear the air. You might try a non-judgmental tone, in which you also admit your culpability and the fact that your jealousy might have encouraged him to lie, but then make it clear that a) no more lying, and maybe no more snooping into the past while you're at it, and b) he goes no contact/unfriends her. If she ever decides to go for an affair, he'll be her first target. And it takes a very strong character for a guy to stand up to that temptation. Much easier for him and you if he goes full n/c.
 

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This is my first post. This looks like a great resource and I hope to get and give some help!

So...
My husband of 5 months (together for 4 years) has had a female friend for years. I asked them about their past relationship and he said she had a thing for him in highschool but he didn't feel the same way and they were just friends.
She came to our wedding, I liked her and had a good time. Admittedly, I'm a big snoop. I know it was wrong but I went looking through his online messages. She sent him a message two days after our wedding saying that she loved him since she was 17 and she'll love him forever and he was the first person she ever slept with and the last before she got married (she got married during the year we were engaged.) She went on to say how much he meant to her and that she was glad she came to the wedding. He responded back saying "awww, thanks" and it was good to see her. I don't think there was any cheating. I'm not worried about that. However, he did lie about the past relationship and the message makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure he lied knowing that I'm a jealous person and that I would be upset that when they spoke.
The thing I love about my husband is that he NEVER lies. He holds honesty as one of the highest virtues and has made ME want to be a better person and more honest. But, now I feel differently.I SEE him differently. Should I confront him? If I do, I'll have to admit to the snooping...

My take would be a bit different. I am kinda on other side of things. There was a man in my life who I fell in love with. I mentioned him to my hubby when we were just friends, but then things got serous with us and I never mentioned this person again.
BUT, I never forgot him and now 9 years later we are back in touch.. and I regret very much not having his friendship for such a long time.

so the reason he did not mention how things really were is that he feels he needs that friendship in his life however much she maybe in love with him. He made the decision to marry you, but make no mistake, she is important to him. Important enough to not tell you whole story.

I dont know if there is any resolution to this to be honest.
 

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So you have a married woman professing her eternal love to a married man? That's a bit different than always having a bit of a soft spot for someone. Considering this, and that your husband lied, I don't think I'd want them being in contact no matter how much I trusted my husband. She clearly has boundary issues.
I agree with this. My H over-reacts to many things. If I lie to spare the lectures, it never solves the problem. You sound willing to deal with and accept responsibility on your end, so resolve this once and for all. Being upset about him lying about the level of their past relationship and staying in contact with her is a big deal. It's hard having your H and another woman in on some secret that's kept from you. A lot of women would be bothered and men too with roles reversed. She isn't his past. She was at your wedding. That's the difference.
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That_girl,

At first, I was mad at him even for the message (it was FB), but you're right HE didn't write it. SHE did. So, we can say I'm not her biggest fan anymore.

Yeah, I believe that he doesn't have feelings for her now. But, he said, he never did and they were just friends. It's the lying about having sex that bothers me. Its not like him to have sex with someone "by accident" if they had a friendship. I want to know Why did he lie about it?

Acorn, my jealousy is problem in itself I guess. Its just really unlike him to lie.
How is this for sure a lie? Did he say he had feelings for her? He slept with her when they where teenagers, this does not mean he had feelings for her. At that time I slept with someone I absolutly hated. For all you know he was just trying to get his **** wet.
 

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I'd let it go - sounds like he sees it as a white lie, one that would be harmless to tell to avoid the fall-out from your jealous reaction. Sounds like you know him well enough and it's out of character for him, as opposed to you finding out he's a complete fraud etc.
 
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