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My husband and I have been married a year and a few months. After he proposed and the invitations were already in the mail, he mentioned to me that "once" when he was younger, he dressed up in his mother's clothes and went to a transvestite bar. He also told me that "once" he had sex with another man. He said he was just experimenting. I believed him.
Now we are 1 year into the marriage, and I found out he still crossdresses on a regular basis. This goes way beyond J Edgar Hoover stuff, he has dozens of outfits he has hidden in duffle bags in our storage closet, shoes, makeup, and a wig. He shaves his entire body (like I can't notice) and uses floral soaps and perfumes. I came home early one day and found him all made up, sitting on the couch in a dress and high heels. I burst into tears.
He claims that there is something "in his head" that makes him want to do this, that it's been this way since he was 12, and if he doesn't do it, it "consumes his every-waking moment" until he does it.
I consider myself a non-biased, non-judgemental person who accepts people for who they are. I myself had my "experimental phase" when I was younger and fooled around with women, but when I got older, I decided I liked men, and I THOUGHT I had married a man, but I guess the joke is on me.
I don't know what to do or say to him about it anymore. He said he has been in therapy for it for years. I knew he was in therapy, but he told me it was to deal with his childhood (he had bad, drug-addicted parents), and I always supported him going to therapy.
I am pissed because he lied, and he has lied about other things, like quitting smoking when we both agreed we would, and then he secretly started again until I found out. I gave in on that, because I understand quitting is hard, but this cross dressing thing has freaked me out.
I am worried what he does now will lead to something bigger, like cheating (with a man or woman).
I ask him why he does it and all he will say it "I don't know", no matter how many times I ask him or approach him on it. I have shared my feelings with him regarding all of this, and all he can say is that he doesn't think it will ever stop.
I am torn between being accepting, not believing a word he says/ that he isn't trying hard enough to stop doing it, and thinking that I am a horrible person because I can't accept this side of him.
I am not physically attracted to him when he cross dresses, and when he does it and then tries to hide it from me, I always know he has been doing it.
What should I do? He claims he can't stop, and I can't handle this about him. Is my marriage doomed to fail after such a short time?
Ladies, I will entertain ANY ideas from any of you. I am at a loss here, and I am quickly becoming depressed and stressed out over it.
 

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I'm sorry to hear about how he has deceived you.

You can love him without being married to him. You are allowed to feel betrayed without wondering if it is bigotry. What you accept and what you are attracted to are not the same thing. Be his friend while he goes through his crisis of orientation, but get yourself an IC and urge him to get one, too. Let this settle before you act on it because its a lot to process.

Short on time, but I'll reply again later.

I suggest you start journaling through this because you're going to have a lot of emotions to deal with in the coming weeks.
 

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[ 1]I am not physically attracted to him when he cross dresses, and when he does it and then tries to hide it from me, I always know he has been doing it.
What should I do? [ 2 ]He claims he can't stop, and I can't handle this about him. Is my marriage doomed to fail after such a short time?
Ladies, I will entertain ANY ideas from any of you. I am at a loss here, and I am quickly becoming depressed and stressed out over it.
#[ 1 ] You are not attracted to him when he dresses up like a woman.
Why?
You did not get married to a woman, you are not attracted to women.

# [ 2]He claims he can't stop. This translates to , he is unwilling to change this behaviour for you even though you love him.

Under these conditions , it is diffiocult to see how your marriage can survive.
But the good news is that its early days yet, and you can start over with your life.
He would be better off choosing the lifestyle he wants.
You would be better off with somebody else who loves , and respects himself and you.
 

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If you do not approve of this and can not live with the situation your marriage can not work. There is nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do. You were lied to and did not sign on for him to lead a double life so to speak.
 

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My husband told me he is a CD within months of dating. He has never done anything with other men a d isn't attracted to them. I am not attracted to him when he is dressed as a woman either and it's ok.
Honestly why are you straight? Why do you like to wear your favorite clothes? I have come to accept that there is no answer. It just is.
The big questions that you need to know the answered to are these;
After I figure this out, are you willing to work with me on setting boundaries around your dressing?

Do you intend to transition to getting a sex change?

Are you attracted to other men? Do you have thoughts about cheating with another man? Have you had contact with other men since we have been together?

Your marriage doesn't have to be over. I would ask if you can go with him to counseling and discuss the questions I outlined above.
There's a yahoo support group for spouses of CDs and trans men, PM me if you want the link or you have questions.

I told my h if he wanted to transition we might stay together but I wouldn't be having sex with him and I would have other partners. I also insisted that he respect my boundaries which he has. If I came home and he was dressed up I would not be happy.
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Also why is he in counseling? What are they working on?
Yes he lied. I forgave my h because we weren't married yet and he honestly thought that he could quit. Then it just kept coming into his head until he couldn't take it anymore. If he had married me without telling me that would be harder and I'm sorry you have to go through that. They carry a LOT of shame about this. A lot go through periods where they tell themselves they are going to quit and throw away all their stuff and don't do it for a month or even a year but then it creeps back in.
Maybe he thought he could quit after you got married.
Has he apologized or shown remorse for lying? Will he listen to your feelings?
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Sorry for the three posts but asking him to stop us like asking a gay person to not he attracted to the same sex. You have every right to be hurt and angry but please don't write off your marriage until you two work through these questions, go to counseling with someone who specializes in trans issues and you get support from other wives and girlfriends.

There are different kinds of CDs. Some are trying to pass as women, some just don't care if they pass. They like the getting ready and choosing what they look like.

If he doesn't want to transition, if he is only interested in sometimes CDing, then yes he is a man. Just like a woman who likes to wear more manly clothes and doesn't wear makeup is still a woman. Think about all the things women can wear that are supposedly for men and people think its cute, stylish, ironic....but a man wears a skirt and unless he's Scottish he is really a woman on the inside?

Think about all the "manly" things your h does and likes. Do you have a good sex life outside of this issue?
I know I have given you a lot, sorry!
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Sounds like you really need to have long open discussions with him about this... Tell him that you want to keep communicating about it with him..

Because... You have to assimilate whether you are going to end up accepting it & you two work on a good marriage around it. Or if it will bother you for the rest of your marriage. You need to decide if you WANT to be married to a CD.

You two, as a couple, need to decide if it's better to end the relationship.. or if you both want to work it out.

Then, Keep having conversations about it, throughout your marriage. (Ie, once boundries are set, acceptance is in... Then have regular sit down discussions about it once a month, or once every two months.)./// Maybe with agreements that anything can be said in these meetings/scheduled discussions...& the talk will not be held over the other ones' head.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thank you, everyone, for your insightful replies. I will take each of them into consideration. I appreciate what everyone had to say, and I am glad that my own feelings and reactions to this aren't wrong, as I was sure they were.
 
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