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Here is a quick synopsis of our relationship: My husband and I have been living together off and on for the last four years because I am in the military and he is attending college. He spends the summers with me, and he is home when in class. He intends on graduating and moving to be with me. The most time we have ever lived together is about 7 or 8 months.

He has a lot of trouble in college and finding work because he self-sabotages. Either doesn't study or go to class and fails, and doesn't put in any effort. Has not been employed for about two years now.

He left again in August to go back to school. In October he had a nervous breakdown and told me he failed a test, wasn't going to pass his class, and had to withdraw. This caused him to begin therapy and plans on going on medication for depression in December.

So last week I needed to submit some paperwork to the military showing he was in school, and needed something that said the dates of his course. He gave me his transcript and his latest course wasn't on it with all his other withdrawals.

So he has another nervous breakdown where he tells me he was lying about attending school and that he hadn't been able to register. He didn't tell me in the first place because he was afraid of how I'd react.

So I don't know what to think. I feel sad that he didn't tell me in the first place, and a bit angry that he lied to me, but I know he did not do it to be mean and only did it out of shame and fear of me being disappointed.

The big problem is that I am deploying soon and will only see him for 2 weeks during Christmas before I leave for a year. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to build up trust in a man I never see, and I have many mixed feelings about this.

Would appreciate any guidance or opinions you have, thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Have you caught him in other lies? This seems pretty significant to me.

C
As far as I know he hasn't lied to me about anything else. I don't sense any suspicious behavior when we're apart or together, and when we do discuss our issues we don't scream or make threats. I try and make him feel like he can come to me for anything and that even if he makes a mistake I am not just going to call it quits without listening. We're open an honest with each other, so I am upset about being lied to when he honestly just could have told me in the first place.
 

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So have you told him how you feel? Realistically and honestly, how would you have reacted if he "self-destructed" again, and had told you he'd dropped out?

What's he doing to get his stuff together? Unemployed, won't go to school consistently... What's he been doing with his time?

C
 

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TALK about it. Make sure he understands that you value honesty more than his education plan.

It is a biggie to lie about this... it seems pretty immature of him to even be this way. Why not tell him to forget school for now, because it's obviously not working out for him. Get him to focus on finding a job that he can be happy with, plus finding a job so that he can be productive and proud. It's got to be depressing just to BE HIM.

TALK
 

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Your husband sounds like a pretty big wreck. Has he always been that way? If so, what is it about him that makes you want to build a life with him?
 

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I try and make him feel like he can come to me for anything and that even if he makes a mistake I am not just going to call it quits without listening.
Honestly, this sounds VERY MUCH like a parent/child relationship. What you wrote write here...*THAT* is how I talk about my relationship with my 15yo!

We're open an honest with each other, so I am upset about being lied to when he honestly just could have told me in the first place.
No, YOU'RE open and honest, he is NOT. You are NOT in an adult relationship with another adult...no matter HOW MUCH you might WANT to be!
 

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how do you know that loser in the first place? It seems girls like Tamgerine tends to met losers and douche bags and nice guys always loses the dating game.

jeeze you should break up with that slob can't believe it
 

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Discussion Starter #10
So have you told him how you feel? Realistically and honestly, how would you have reacted if he "self-destructed" again, and had told you he'd dropped out?

What's he doing to get his stuff together? Unemployed, won't go to school consistently... What's he been doing with his time?

C
He does know how I feel, yes. I feel like I should be angrier, but what am I supposed to do, just not talk to him? Talk to him about nothing BUT this? I can't think of anything to do to fix my trust in him. Cutting off contact completely is just going to damage our relationship worse.

TALK about it. Make sure he understands that you value honesty more than his education plan.

It is a biggie to lie about this... it seems pretty immature of him to even be this way. Why not tell him to forget school for now, because it's obviously not working out for him. Get him to focus on finding a job that he can be happy with, plus finding a job so that he can be productive and proud. It's got to be depressing just to BE HIM.

TALK
It's almost like we've invested so much time and money into his education to just call it quits and waste it all seems terrible, especially that it seemed like we were getting closer to the finish line. If I make him quit college and get some crappy fast food job I feel all he will do is resent me for it.

How old is this guy?
He's 30,

Your husband sounds like a pretty big wreck. Has he always been that way? If so, what is it about him that makes you want to build a life with him?
He's always been this way, but I didn't understand the scope of it when we got married. Even he didn't understand the scope of it until recently. He was going to school and had a job when we first got married, but when he lost that job because he was spending time with me he just never put forth any effort into getting another job, or that job back, and that is when things started to sour.

Pretty much I feel like I got jipped. I had this idea about the man I was marrying and four years later I'm starting to feel like I was wrong, but I don't feel like it would be right to call it quits now that he's actually recognized his issues and has started therapy. I feel like we lost four years of our marriage to this. I don't even feel like I'm married in the first place.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Honestly, this sounds VERY MUCH like a parent/child relationship. What you wrote write here...*THAT* is how I talk about my relationship with my 15yo!
How am I supposed to react? If I freak out on him every time something happens he'll just hide things from me more often. People make mistakes, this was a big one, but I know why he did it. What should I be doing?
 

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Pretty much I feel like I got jipped. I had this idea about the man I was marrying and four years later I'm starting to feel like I was wrong, but I don't feel like it would be right to call it quits now that he's actually recognized his issues and has started therapy. I feel like we lost four years of our marriage to this. I don't even feel like I'm married in the first place.
he's 30 and he's acting like half his age, you need to get out of this. I can say that you will be trapped with him in a long term if you don't get a divorce. He is the most irresponsible person ever, he can't even be responsible with his schooling how the heck he can be responsible for his commitment to you.

You are young and you had a life ahead of you. You need to made the decision quick whether you force him to change or you had to drop the white flag. It is a hard call but for the sake of your happiness you should deserve a better man than that "thing"
 

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I honestly don't know how I would deal with my husband lying to me about that. There has to be more to it than just afraid of the disappointment.
 

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As far as I know he hasn't lied to me about anything else. I don't sense any suspicious behavior when we're apart or together, and when we do discuss our issues we don't scream or make threats.
When you ask him questions, do you often/sometimes get "I don't know" or "I don't remember" for an answer? In my experience, these two responses are usually lies, or at least major red flags for more lying.

Either way, if I were in your shoes and know what I know now, I'd separate and divorce. If he wants to get his life under control, that's his responsibility, NOT YOURS!! You can always take him back later, if he really does change, and you and he are both still interested. And please make sure you use birth control while you're making up your mind! Kids will make your issues 1,000 times more complicated.

Good luck to you!
 

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Tamgerine:

You are VERY defensive! People are here trying to help you because YOU ASKED THEM TO; I don't know if you're just very frustrated or you just WANNA BE 'RIGHT', but you're not listening to advice with an open mind. If you don't want any advice and you just want to 'vent', THAT IS OKAY, TOO. But if you want advice, you need to SLOW DOWN, ABSORB what people are telling you, and give it some SERIOUS thought. Don't just say, "I can't do that!" or "What am I supposed to do?"

YOU are the ONLY ADULT in this relationship. YOU are his MOMMY! If you don't want to be that, then KNOCK IT OFF! Quit trying to "fix" him and everything that is effed-up in his life. It's effed-up because HE effed it up. Let him "FIX" it. IF he doesn't fix it, apparently it's not THAT IMPORTANT to him (and that includes this marriage.)

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to build up trust in a man I never see
YOU DON'T build up trust in him...he is supposed to be EARNING YOUR TRUST BY HIS actions! If he's not acting trustworthy, then you're NOT SUPPOSED TO trust him!

You are making excuses for him and his repeated failures. You have GOT TO STOP THIS! Not just with him, but with EVERYBODY. If someday in the future you are somebody's mother, you cannot make excuses for their bad behavior ("she's just a little girl", "it's not him, it's his bad friends", etc.). Your future children MUST LEARN the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of bad behavior and poor choices. Ditto for your husband!

He has a lot of trouble in college and finding work because he self-sabotages. Either doesn't study or go to class and fails, and doesn't put in any effort. Has not been employed for about two years now.
You can dress it up any way you like, but HE'S LAZY!

If I make him quit college and get some crappy fast food job I feel all he will do is resent me for it.
Of course he'll resent it...that would be the sound of YOU telling him the 'gravy train' has ended! The 'free ride' is over...get your azz off at the next stop and good luck to you, Charlie!

he tells me he was lying about attending school and that he hadn't been able to register. He didn't tell me in the first place because he was afraid of how I'd react. So I don't know what to think. but I know he did not do it to be mean and only did it out of shame and fear of me being disappointed.
And because he's LAZY. Notice he also DIDN'T GET A JOB to fill his time, or take another class toward his degree! Did he tell you why he "hadn't been able to register"? Really "HADN'T" been able to, or just didn't bother, just didn't get around to it, forgot, or some other lame excuse? If he "HADN'T" been able to register, did he address the problem and FIX IT so that he CAN register next semester????

I feel like I should be angrier
Yeah, you and me both, sister!

Cutting off contact completely is just going to damage our relationship worse.
You don't have a lot left to damage here, if you're being COMPLETELY HONEST with yourself.
Pretty much I feel like I got jipped...and four years later I'm starting to feel like I was wrong...I don't even feel like I'm married in the first place.
People make mistakes, this was a big one...I don't feel like it would be right to call it quits now that he's actually recognized his issues and has started therapy...The big problem is that I am deploying soon and will only see him for 2 weeks during Christmas before I leave for a year.What should I be doing?
  • You should be REQUIRING HIM to act like an adult.
  • You should be REQUIRING HIM to 'man-up' and start taking responsibility for his life, his mistakes, his choices. STARTING NOW.
  • You should QUIT paying for his college IMMEDIATELY! He was working AND going to school when you two first married. He can do it again. If he's UNWILLING TO (don't want to hear 'unable', therapy and meds...remember?), then obviously college is NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO HIM...perhaps it's only important to YOU.
  • Beginning December 1st, he must have a job CONTINUOUSLY until you return in a year. If he can't/won't do that, then you'll be driving this broken-wagon the rest of your life.
  • He must remain in therapy for the year you're gone.
  • He must get on/stay on meds the year you're gone.
If he is unwilling or unable to step up and act like a man, act like an adult, act like your husband, act like your PARTNER in life, then GET OUT while you're still young enough to start over. During this upcoming year, IC for you would not be amiss to find out WHY you're so willing to accept/excuse poor behavior and be a CARETAKER to your spouse instead of a PARTNER.
 
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