Husband left me to be old flame

5431 Views 24 Replies 7 Participants Last post by brokenbythis, Dec 13, 2012

brokenbythis

Discussion Starter · Nov 29, 2012

Now he wants to come back. I've posted my dramas in other threads but this past week its taken on a whole new twist.

He has a female "friend" who has caused a lot of problems between my husband and I. She calls him constantly and leans on him to rescue her from her anxiety attacks and suicide attempts. He always runs to her. I gave him an ultimatum early this year she goes or I do. He chose me. Or so I thought. All the time he was still seeing her behind my back and lying with a straight face about it. I found out about their continued contact by sheer accident.

I kicked him out of the house this summer. Since then he;s been trying to make amends to me but I know he's still seeing her. By the way its purely EA.. she uses him as her personal shrink. I found an old diary of his from before we met. He writes over and over how much he loves her, why doesn't she love him, how perfect she is and how great they would be together if she would only love him back.

So... 13 years later... I told him again this past week if he chose to have any kind of relationship with her, then him and I will never be in a relationship. Period.

The twist is I recently found out she left her husband and filed for divorce, last year, at the same time my husband left me unexpectedly. I asked him did he think that if he hung around with her long enough she may want to be with him one day. Was that his hope? And he said YES.. he thought that until recently (obviously she is still not interested). Now he's crawling back to me.

It makes me sick to my stomach that all these years he's carried a flame for this woman yet married me and pretended to be happy. The minute she files for divorce he dumps me and his family.

I still love him, but I don't think I can forgive him, and I certainly can't stay with someone who's heart I never had and probably never will have. He admitted he's had feelings for her all along throughout our marriage.

I don't understand who would do this to another (me) - to a person who loves them and wanted to spend their life with them (me). I don't get it. He's messed with my life and I can't get those years back. If I had known all this I would have never have married him. I would have found someone else who really loved me and only me.

I'm bitter and angry and I can't get past it. Has anyone else had this happen to them too?

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Acabado

· #2 · Nov 29, 2012

Your story is crushing to read. I'm so sorry.
Stop loving him. Make the decision, you can choose it. Surely your heart will take it's time to catch you but your actions are something you can control.
Please don't let him drag you along anymore, he has been doing it from the very beggining. File for divorce, dark on him, only practical things, better through lawyers.
At this point I don't think he loves her, he has been clinging to an idolized image of her becasuse she dumped him! He's poorly healing her rejection. He doesn't know up from down. He's enamored of the idea of being in love with her.

Just dump him.
And f'ck arourn. Lots.

Best wishes

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iheartlife

· #3 · Nov 29, 2012

brokenbythis said:
It makes me sick to my stomach that all these years he's carried a flame for this woman yet married me and pretended to be happy. The minute she files for divorce he dumps me and his family.

I still love him, but I don't think I can forgive him, and I certainly can't stay with someone who's heart I never had and probably never will have. He admitted he's had feelings for her all along throughout our marriage.

I don't understand who would do this to another (me) - to a person who loves them and wanted to spend their life with them (me). I don't get it. He's messed with my life and I can't get those years back. If I had known all this I would have never have married him. I would have found someone else who really loved me and only me.

I'm bitter and angry and I can't get past it. Has anyone else had this happen to them too?

Stop and think about this man for a minute.

He "loves" her. But she clearly doesn't love him. Sure, she enjoys the compliments and attention he probably showers over her. But he is in the friend zone for her. That means she's not attracted to him romantically and probably has felt that way for a very long time, maybe always. But this does not cause him to stop "loving" her. In fact, it took an entire year for him to come back to you. He just kept banging his head on her closed door, thinking maybe this time it will open.

That all translates to me as a man who doesn't understand what love is. He is most attracted to someone who holds him at arm's length and is essentially rejecting him as a life partner. He deserves pity, as someone who will never be able to live authentically. Sure, he may find someone else to glom on to. But his twisted idea of love will always keep him on the outside looking in, never the participant of a mutual relationship. (Do you know what would happen if that woman actually returned his affections? Eventually, the bloom of his "love" for her would fade, because he equates rejection with love.)

Now look at yourself. You are still in love with someone who utterly, totally rejected you. He did it not because you aren't a terrific person. He did it out of enormous self-centeredness! But also because again, his concept of love has always been stunted. And, it probably always will be.

I say this with loving kindness--and with no intention to hurt you.

What is so different about your "love" for him, compared to his "love" for her?

It's okay to mourn the man you THOUGHT he was. But is it really possible to love someone who saved the "best" of himself for so long for someone else? (I use quotes because I seriously doubt, at this point, that his best is worth much of anything, to anyone.)

YOU, on the other hand, have been loyal to a fault. When the time is right, go find someone who will not just like that, or appreciate that, but cherish it as well.

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Left With 4.5

· #4 · Nov 29, 2012

Hi Broken,

I'm so sorry you're still going through this. I agree with the above posters. You deserve someone much better than your husband. He's always treated you second and you don't deserve that. File for divorce and don't bother with him anymore. Hugs.

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MattMatt

· #5 · Nov 29, 2012

Part of him has never progressed past infatuated teen.

Ah! Oh! I just had a rather unpleasant thought!

...she uses him as her personal shrink.

The twist is I recently found out she left her husband and filed for divorce, last year, at the same time my husband left me unexpectedly.

Did he advise her to file, in order to then step in as a knight on horseback and rescue the damsel in distress?

If so, he is toxic. Get rid. Not worthy of your time or effort.

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brokenbythis

Discussion Starter · #6 · Nov 29, 2012

Well interestingly enough our MC (husband quit 8 mths or so ago) told me that he is an avoidant personality, he does not know what love is, he is a little boy in a grown up's body. She was the one who advised me to set that boundary yet again regarding his relationship with the homewrecker this past week because he was asking me to reconcile.

I'm so incredibly sad. I don't know if I could ever trust someone's word ever again. If some guy ever told me he loved me and I was his "dream girl" I fear I would just think he's lying. I have so many wonderful memories from our first few years of marriage. I was so in love and so happy, and he seemed so too. He was crazy about me and I was crazy about him. Then he started to pull away after about 2-3 years. Then a few years after that he started contacting ex-girlfriends and talking about his unhappiness with me. He's been "friends" with this woman in question all along. He had told me from the start she was just an old friend. I had no idea of the truth until I found that old diary of his. He knows I read it, I told him. He went nuts... went right off the rails yelling and screaming at me, calling me names.

I have no idea what part he played in her filing for divorce.

I know what I need to do, doing it is hard as we have a child involved who is hurting badly already that his daddy is not here. It's so hard to make that final break. I don't know why it's hard for me, I'm a strong, intelligent, attractive woman who can support myself. Maybe I'm still in the mourning stage.. I don't know.

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brokenbythis

Discussion Starter · #7 · Nov 29, 2012

MattMatt said:
Part of him has never progressed past infatuated teen.

Ah! Oh! I just had a rather unpleasant thought!

Did he advise her to file, in order to then step in as a knight on horseback and rescue the damsel in distress?

If so, he is toxic. Get rid. Not worthy of your time or effort.

He told me he feels the need to rescue her from herself.

iheartlife

· #8 · Nov 29, 2012

brokenbythis said:
I'm so incredibly sad. I don't know if I could ever trust someone's word ever again. If some guy ever told me he loved me and I was his "dream girl" I fear I would just think he's lying. I have so many wonderful memories from our first few years of marriage. I was so in love and so happy, and he seemed so too. He was crazy about me and I was crazy about him. Then he started to pull away after about 2-3 years.

Part of your recovery is to stay in counseling for as long as you need it. Work through why you are attached to someone who's rejected you, just like he's attached to someone who rejected him. I don't mean to equate the two of you--I suspect instead that he has other issues and drew you in. You loved that persona that he showed you in the beginning.

For example, people with BPD (borderline personality disorder) exhibit these very qualities.

Borderline personality disorder - PubMed Health

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships

Uptown is a member here who has read widely about BPD. From what he's posted elsewhere on the forum, my understanding is that someone with this problem lacks a strong personal identity. So what they do, when they meet you, is mirror you. They lead you to believe that they share your interests and many of your other personal qualities and attributes. They make themselves "fit" so that you are simply enchanted by them.

However, they cannot keep up that charade indefinitely.

Obviously I'm basing this on a mere outline of what you've said about him, and a rather vague understanding of BPD. But it seems to fit your situation, where you were so deceived.

People who stick with someone like this through thick and thin (I mean you now) are like "co-dependents." Co-dependency isn't an official psychological diagnosis, but a good translation of the concept is a "fixer." Broken people are drawn to fixers who want to try to fix them.

Your job now is to understand yourself as much as possible. Why were you drawn to someone like this? Life holds no guarantees, but if through therapy you are brutally honest with yourself, IF there are any lessons to be drawn from your relationship with this man, you will be able to successfully apply them when you next find a good man.

I know what I need to do, doing it is hard as we have a child involved who is hurting badly already that his daddy is not here. It's so hard to make that final break.

This is absolute heartbreaking, and I am so sorry for it! But this is all on him. He's the one who has done this to your child, not you. He's the one wrecking the family, not you.

If you can stomach being with him and knowing that he is the way he is, for your child's sake I'm not going to tell you not to do that. But you also have to consider the appalling example he's setting for your kid.

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brokenbythis

Discussion Starter · #9 · Nov 29, 2012

Iheart you hit the nail on the head. He has been diagnosed BPD about 7 months ago. His mother is BPD and crazy as a cut snake. Both his parents divorced nastily and remarried really quick to complete fruitcakes.

Why do I not file? Well I kicked him out and started living my own life. These revelations about his true feelings and motives for the homewrecker have only come to light in the past week.

I feel differently now. No I do NOT want to stay with someone who can't and won't love me the way I deserve and want to be loved. I will not stay with a liar. I will not come in second best to another woman and I will not be made a fool of any longer.

Yes he was the perfect guy in the beginning and then after a few years it all begin to slip. My therapist has said exactly what you've pointed out. I am just so sad. I'm angry and bitter this man took the (literally) best years of my life under false pretences. I'm angry and scared - I have no family here I moved her from New Zealand to marry him. My self-esteem has taking a beating over the past 8 or so years. Fat, lazy, comparing me to this other cow of a woman. You hear it enough you start to believe it.

The main reason I stayed is I wished for the sweet husband he was to come back. But now I realize it was all an act. MY parents were married 44 yrs before my mom died and they were loyal and honest to each other and they truly loved each other. I had a healthy family life with supportive loving parents and relatives.

I don't know how I ended up here, I really don't. I feel like a complete fool. I feel so stupid for being sucked in.

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iheartlife

· #10 · Nov 29, 2012

brokenbythis said:
I don't know how I ended up here, I really don't. I feel like a complete fool. I feel so stupid for being sucked in.

You were sucked in because you are a loving, trusting person. Those are beautiful qualities to have. Do not lose them because some dupe abused you.

You have a long life ahead. Don't be silly about the "best years." They lie before you, not behind you.

I feel for you, far from your home. Ironically another woman on this form (honeystly) is in Australia, far from her home in the US. Having been dumped by a juvenile husband who decided his high school student would make a good girlfriend. Never mind the toddler and newborn and loving wife at home.

Your pain is very fresh and raw. All of your feelings are totally normal.

Do you think you'll try to return home to NZ?

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brokenbythis

Discussion Starter · #11 · Nov 29, 2012

No I won't go back to NZ, I've made my life here and anyway, my STBXH won't let me take our child. He'll make sure of that. 13 years away and this is my home now. I don't want to upheave my life any further.

What the hell is it with these people who lie, cheat and deceive? How can they do this to people? How do they sleep at night?

I could not live with myself, personally. I've always been a believer in being truthful, doing right by others and being a moral person. I'm not perfect I just treat people like I would like to be treated.

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life101

· #12 · Nov 29, 2012

brokenbythis said:
No I won't go back to NZ, I've made my life here and anyway, my STBXH won't let me take our child. He'll make sure of that. 13 years away and this is my home now. I don't want to upheave my life any further.

What the hell is it with these people who lie, cheat and deceive? How can they do this to people? How do they sleep at night?
I could not live with myself, personally. I've always been a believer in being truthful, doing right by others and being a moral person. I'm not perfect I just treat people like I would like to be treated.

These people are extremely selfish and go to any length to suit their own needs. Believe me, in their heads they invent reasons out of thin air to justify their actions and sense of entitlement.

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My_2nd_Rodeo

· #13 · Nov 29, 2012

brokenbythis said:
He told me he feels the need to rescue her from herself.

Brokenbythis.

Wow, this is such a sad story. I am a "fixer"/"rescuer" myself... married my wife to do that (I am faithful, but she has mental issues, suicidal, etc - you can read my very long winded thread).

1) Take consolation in that he is seriously screwed. This woman, or a future one, will ruin him. She already has by breaking-up your marriage & family. In time, she will take everything else from him. If it's not her, he'll find another woman "in need".

2) For a "fixer", I actually got bored or felt guilty in healthy relationships. We are wired differently - he needs IC, as I do (and am). From what you say about yourself, you are just too solid a person for him. Take that as a compliment, continue to be strong and independent.

I had a highschool gf that was mental, she "got away". For many years (10+) I longed for her, one day I reached out to her - I wasn't married at that time. However, for fixers, it's hard to let go of the tough-luck cases. We carry that flame for a very long time (if not always).

Again, I'd stress that he is ph&cked.

However, he's likely to fall into a relationship with a highly toxic and unstable woman. Protect your child and be prepared to deal with a crazy gf - she's going to fill his head with a lot of crap.

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brokenbythis

Discussion Starter · #14 · Nov 29, 2012

Funny you should mention this, Rodeo. He told me this past week that "you never need help" referring to I don't need to be rescued. It's like he really needs the nutbags to fix to make himself feel better.

I replied with "I don't need you to take care of me, I need you to care". I really don't need him to fix my problems, I can do that on my own. I do however, need support from my husband. That's all - just knowing he's there for me and being supportive. I rarely got this from him.

ALL of his friends, even the male ones, are screw-ups. They all have volatile personal and professional lives. Every single one of them. The friends I've made over the years, ie: normal people... he seems to get bored if we hang out with them. He visibly prefers to hang with his messed up friends than with normal people. You're right - too boring for him. Not enough drama.

By the way he works in law enforcement. He recuses people every day

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Acabado

· #15 · Nov 29, 2012

KISA complex.. it might be there also in addition to the rest but the fact is his need to rescue his damsell in distress wasen't there probably when she dumped him. That was what made him go into his delusional state, her rejection. Maybe the rescuer mentality developed later. Dunno, maybe OW was unstable since they met.

brokenbythis

Discussion Starter · #16 · Nov 29, 2012

Acabado said:
KISA complex.. it might be there also in addition to the rest but the fact is his need to rescue his damsell in distress wasen't there probably when she dumped him. That was what made him go into his delusional state, her rejection. Maybe the rescuer mentality developed later. Dunno, maybe OW was unstable since they met.

What is the KISA complex?

She's been a basketcase for the past 25 years. She never dumped him, he told her 20 yrs ago he was in love with her and she told him she didn't feel that way about him but wanted to be "friends". She has been in multiple (disasterous) relationships and a failed marriage since then and now.

Acabado

· #17 · Nov 29, 2012

KISA = knight in shining armor

She didn't dump him nut rejected him, friendzoned him. It's basicaly the same. Rejection hurts very deepy as you know. Many internalize it, link it to selfworth.

So he's believing himself to be her KISA since ages.... even worse scenario. He's a man with a - ridiculous - plan since he was young. He won't change it. Ten years down the road it will be reframed but the plan (fighting rejection + saving her) will be there in another ways.

My_2nd_Rodeo

· #18 · Nov 29, 2012

Acabado said:
KISA = knight in shining armor

She didn't dump him nut rejected him, friendzoned him. It's basicaly the same. Rejection hurts very deepy as you know. Many internalize it, link it to selfworth.

So he's believing himself to be her KISA since ages.... even worse scenario. He's a man with a - ridiculous - plan since he was young. He won't change it. Ten years down the road it will be reframed but the plan (fighting rejection + saving her) will be there in another ways.

:iagree::iagree:

Just writing my post before reminded me of that mental gf that got away, and a quick sadness came over me (and it shouldn't, that's ancient history). You see?

He thinks it should have been and it still can be. KISA's (I like that acroynm) have an amazing long timeframe - decades.

For me, I had to burn all the notes and pictures of her. Like a funeral, kinda weird.:scratchhead:

brokenbythis

Discussion Starter · #19 · Dec 8, 2012

Ok.. here's my update:

Anniversary is this weekend. I've been doing great until today. I don't know what has come over me, I'm so sad, have been crying all day and the old flashbacks of ALL the hurtful things he's done to me to kill our relationship are coming back big time.

I can't stop crying. I've tried and tried to reach out to him but he has not told me what I want to hear.

What I want him to say is: I want to commit myself to our relationship. If you feel me having female friends is making you feel unsafe in our relationship I'll end those friendships. I want to do whatever it takes to make you trust me again. I want you to love me again.

I have not heard anything of the sort.

Last weekend he told me he still loves me. But he still sees the "friends". I set my boundaries with him and he walks all over them. Or should I say he TESTS them constantly. I know the therapist thinks he's BPD and I know for sure his crazy mother is BPD. BPD's testing boundaries is common I know. It's exhausting, emotionalling draining dealing with this.

I'm just so done with him not respecting what is important to me. He doesn't care about me. Whenever his "girlfriend" has one of her emotional meltdowns he runs to her, calls her constantly and urges her to talk. He doesn't do that with me. He told me a few weeks ago that she "needs" him and that I never need him to rescue me. Yeah! I don't need him to rescue me I just need him to care and be supportive. Which he is not.

How sad today is. It's like I feel I've given him every chance to make it right and now I'm done. I think its finally time to make an appointment to see an attorney next week and file for divorce.

I can just about guarantee when I have him served I'll be getting phone calls like "can't we talk about this"... why did you do this.. or the one he throws out there all the time "my heart is breaking over this". He tells me how sad he is that he has lost everything, but he has not done a damn thing to stop this process ie: make it right and work on us.

Merry christmas to me!

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Left With 4.5

· #20 · Dec 9, 2012

Hey Broken,

Im sorry he hasn't gotten out of his fog yet. And to be honest, he probably wont for a real long time. My anniversary will be next weekend and i am already dreading it. I'm trying not to look at the calendar or think of anything.

Someone on TAM told me on one of my threads to watch his actions because his actions speaks louder than words. From what I read, you husband says one thing (ie. I still love you...) but his actions shows the opposite.

I'm not telling you to, but you may need to start the divorce process to shake your husband up. But only do it when you are ready and without emotions. I'm on my last phase of the divorce papers, which he signed, BUT he finally realized that he's got some issues and had been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple of months now. I'm happy that he's getting help for himself, which in the long run will be good for us and the family. I had already decided to move on with or without him. I would LOVE for him to get out of his fog and come back, but I am also ready to be without him too.

So, whatever you decide, YOU need to do this for yourself. (((HUGS)))

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