Husband left me and need advice/support

1369 Views 9 Replies 7 Participants Last post by Frustratedagain, Oct 21, 2012

Frustratedagain

Discussion Starter · Oct 21, 2012

Ok, I will try make this as short as I can. I need help! Tell me to get over this jerk!
We have been married for 5 years. He took a job as a contract worker in Afghanistan a year ago. We just bought our house 5 months ago, to another state so he could be near his brother. His work rotations are 2 months overseas and one month here.
Last time he was home, he secretly spoke with an attorney and then fessed up to me about it. He left to go to his brothers for 3 days. The attorney told him that he was not ready to be divorced and we then decided to go to marriage counseling. Well, we went together once before he went back to Afghanistan. Then, he came back a month ago and we had an appointment with the counselor the day after he got back. He went in to talk to the counselor first and then I went in. As I walked in, I took out my notebook and got prepared to go over things that I wanted to work on. Well, I couldn't even get a word in, he flat out said that he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. The day before he wanted me to a buy a new kitchen table and go shopping. WTH? So, a few days after that,he gave me the silent treatment. I went to the gym and when I came back he was gone. He took all of his personal belongs and left. I know for a fact that he moved in with his brother and his family because the post office mailed a card stating his address has been permanently changed. I have not heard a word from him since. He left to go back to Afghanistan 2 days ago. What the heck? I am an emotional mess. The counselor told me he seems to be narcissistic so I Googled that and it fits him to a T. But how in the world can he do this to me? I hope he is hurting. Hurting more than me. If I knew that he was, that would make this easier for me. He loves to keep me guessing I guess.
Help!!

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Couleur

· #2 · Oct 21, 2012

I am sorry to hear about your situation.

It sounds to me like your husband wanted to pull the plug the last time he was home, got cold feet (about leaving), and then had 2 months in Afghanistan to get his nerve up to leave.

He sounds like a coward when it comes to your relationship. It's hard to tell if it's guilt -- he must realize he is being a jerk -- or if he is avoiding conflict/ emotional outbursts. If your H is worried about conflict, he might be able to give you answers if you text him. it might be easier for him to respond if you are not face to face.Ultimately, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he walked out and that you may never get a good explanation for how he reached that decision in his mind.

The important thing for you to do is to take charge of your life. If at all possible get into counseling or find someone to help you work through your confusion, anger, & pain. Take good care of yourself physically -- remember to sleep, eat, exercise.

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KathyBatesel

· #3 · Oct 21, 2012

When it comes to narcissists, I've never been able to decide if they're perpetually hurting or incapable of it, but I can tell you one thing... You're dodging a bullet if he is one.

I know that nothing will make you magically feel better, but you might find a couple of my articles helpful as you move forward:

This one on narcissism offers tips of recognizing it and interacting with a person who is narcissistic.

This one is an overview of what everybody goes through in a breakup - the stages of grief and how to heal fully. You may find that it helps you focus and find new purpose.

You know that you're strong. You've already been coping with prolonged absences where you've had to handle things at home that would normally be his responsibility or dealt with as a couple. I know this doesn't help the emotional pain, but it should let you know that you're resilient and capable. You *will* come through it with better wisdom and find joy again.

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hehasmyheart

· #4 · Oct 21, 2012

I don't mean to undermine your pain, but you are SO lucky he left if he's a narcissist. They are only self-serving.

Concentrate on healing yourself. Writing in a journal might help, warm baths, herbal tea, talking to friends, whatever relaxes you.

This is also a good place for you to read other people's stories, and not feel alone.

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Uptown

· #5 · Oct 21, 2012

Frustrated, I'm so sorry you are going through such a painful breakup. Divorcing a narcissist can get real nasty and mean really quick. I therefore encourage you to read the two articles written by Kathy (both are excellent). I also suggest you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. Take care, Frustrated.

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Frustratedagain

Discussion Starter · #6 · Oct 21, 2012

Wow! You do not know how much all of you have helped me. I went to bed last night wondering if anyone would respond to my post. I was excited to wake up and find these replies!
I did forget to mention that when he secretly went to that divorce attorney he took me of one of the bank accounts, out of 2 that we had together and gives me a "stipen" now, which is not much. Seriously? Tell me that is not right. Just tell me please. Then I come to find out he has other "secret" bank accounts. UGH!

It is very hard for me to not sit and stew over his selfishness and him walking out, just cowardly doing it while i was at the gym and he has no remorse then a few weeks later leaves for Afghanistan without a word? That is what gets me. That is what I am having a problem with. Does it make sense to you that the month before he came home he said he would do anything for our marriage. He loved me more than anything and would even get a different job to be home with me more often. I guess money is more important then me;(

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Rhys

· #7 · Oct 21, 2012

Frustratedagain said:
Wow! You do not know how much all of you have helped me. I went to bed last night wondering if anyone would respond to my post. I was excited to wake up and find these replies!
I did forget to mention that when he secretly went to that divorce attorney he took me of one of the bank accounts, out of 2 that we had together and gives me a "stipen" now, which is not much. Seriously? Tell me that is not right. Just tell me please. Then I come to find out he has other "secret" bank accounts. UGH!

It is very hard for me to not sit and stew over his selfishness and him walking out, just cowardly doing it while i was at the gym and he has no remorse then a few weeks later leaves for Afghanistan without a word? That is what gets me. That is what I am having a problem with. Does it make sense to you that the month before he came home he said he would do anything for our marriage. He loved me more than anything and would even get a different job to be home with me more often. I guess money is more important then me;(

I'm not the most experienced here (far from it) and I'm new to this but if he chose material things over the woman he loves he's definitely not worth it and you can do better. Money won't find him the happiness that he seeks and when he realizes that it will be too late and he'll be absolutely miserable and alone. I absolutely believe you are better off without him and it might be hard but I wish you the best of luck.

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Frustratedagain

Discussion Starter · #8 · Oct 21, 2012

Thank you for your reply

As hard as this is to say, I think I will be the only one that will be lonely. He has always worked in the field where he has been away a lot so being apart has been easy for him. He family seems to be more important to me also. I have honestly been supportive of his career choice to go to Afghanistan, as that was his dream and I suffered the consequences and stood by him, as I am not one to control someones life and happiness. I thought I was being giving and being the best wife in making him happy by letting him take that job. His family talks behind my back and sticks up for him and treats me like dirt..... for what? And then he expects me to kiss their butt and be nice to them and gets mad if I don't? I am my own person and I choose who to communicate with, not him. I stood my ground on that and that seemed to make him angry. And thats ok, my counselor even said "boundaries" with his family. And that is what I did and now this? Just very frustrated as you can tell. He says I have anger issues? Because he says one thing and turns around and says he wants a divorce? Im sorry, was I just supposed to say "ok, honey, anything you would like" with a smile on my face?

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SlowlyGettingWiser

· #9 · Oct 21, 2012

The counselor told me he seems to be narcissistic so I Googled that and it fits him to a T.

Frustrated YOU are a lucky, lucky woman!

You should run to the nearest church, synagogue, mosque, temple, whatever and drop to you knees and THANK WHATEVER DEITY YOU BELIEVE IN that this jerk-wad is out of your life!

I just (in May 2012) left my STBXH of 19 years (together 22 yrs). I didn't know what was wrong with him until I came here to TAM. I believe he, also, has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I am co-dependent). Would to God I had realized what the hell the problem was DECADES AGO.

The selfishness and manipulation of these people is not something you can fathom until you've lived with it. The ceaseless LYING, the hiding/spending money even if it leads to financial ruin for the family, the lack of empathy for others (tough on kids if you have them.)

Hard as it is to believe at this point, you will be SO OVERJOYED to be out of this situation. When you look back, you will be grateful. As for his family, they will tire of him dumping girlfriends/wives/children whenever the spirit moves him. Trust me, these people are BULLIES to get their way and his family will not be unscathed by his disorder. Good luck to them!

Just keep reminding yourself, as long as he's making some other woman's life a living hell instead of yours, it's all good!

Hang in there. Get yourself into IC to ensure your own mental/emotional stability. Then keep on living! Living well IS the best revenge! I haven't been this happy in YEARS!

Love and hugs to you from another survivor!

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Frustratedagain

Discussion Starter · #10 · Oct 21, 2012

Slowly getting wiser,

You just put a huge smile on my face!!

He is 40 years old and has never been married and had 2 relationships his entire life. Not knocking that but I now see why. I think what also bugs me is that no one in his family sees it. I am the one to blame. His family apparently told him that it is good that he went back to Afghanistan to get away from all of the "drama" Drama? Like i created this? Ugh! It is taking every ounce of my being not to send him an email and give him a piece of my mind, but, as you all have said on here, take the high road. And that is what I did. I must admit, it is hard as hell and I struggle everyday, but Im doing it. I just want to shout out to the world that it was him, not me. But I won't

I just need a little encouragement everyday

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