[Happilymarried..I think]

I have been married for 10 years but have been with my husband for 14 years. We have 4 kids 13, 5, 2 and 1 so you can say we are pretty busy. We are usually busy being parents and make little time to be a couple.

My husband has pretty much always kept work and home seperate and really never talked too much about his co-workers. Recently I noticed he kept bringing up a female co-worker to me. He would say that his friend did this, she went there, she bought that, she would lend him this and I started to think that he talks about this woman quite a bit. I didn't want to let him know that I have caught on to him discussing her but I have. I have also noticed that the last month he was a little distant which caused some major problems but recently I noticed that he has been really sweet and loving again. He still brings this woman up even though she recently was laid off and does not work with him anylonger. They recently became friends on Facebook and she seems to "Like" everything he posts. Even the pics of him and I together so she knows that he is married.

I recently found some texting between him and her, it was mostly professional, her asking if anyone else has been laid off or if he knows anyone at other companies that he may be able to put a good word in with for her. The texting went on for a few days and I noticed that there seems to have been some missing texts in the conversation, certain texts were deleted. I did notice that an address was texted to my husband and I believe it was hers. I can usually account for my husbands whereabouts. He leaves that house at 8am (for work) and is home before 5pm (after work) everyday. He never goes anywhere else.

My husband was talking about his co-worker again and told me that when she was laid off he helped pack her stuff up and he felt so bad. When he was texting her, he told her that he was there for her. I know that I should follow my intuition and I know that there are some obvious red flags but when or how should I react or am I making too much out of it?

The funny thing is he did not have a name for her in the beginning. He just kept talking about "his friend." He mentioned her name for the first time this weekend.

This is what throws me off though.

1. He was distant but now he is sweet and loving again.
2. He posted a picture of him and I on our anniversary on his FB and she "Liked" it.
3. He changed his profile pic to a picture of him and I together so he is portraying a happy marriage.

BUT, he still brings her up a lot and they were texting. Not sure of what to think. Confused.

 

[yellowstar]

Personally I wouldn't like that either. I know every couple has different boundaries but for me, it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Have you asked him about his thoughts about her? Maybe ask him and then tell him how it makes you uncomfortable. Then listen/watch carefully to see if he respects your boundaries or if something else is going on. I've been there, luckily there wasn't anything going on with my husband but the feeling of being unsure sucks. GL!

 

[WorkingOnMe]

He obviously feels an affection for her. Does it rise to the level of an EA? Based on what you've written, it doesn't sound like it. I have people I care about, in the way that a friend cares about another. Or maybe even in the way a father cares for a child. Possibly she's just going through her career path and he want's to help by giving guidance etc...

If it were a guy you would think that the guy is trying to stay friends as part of his career "networking" strategy. I suspect the same thing is happening here.

At the same time, I'd say to remain vigilant. This kind of relationship can easily escalate. She's feeling vulnerable because she was laid off. So let me ask you, does he have ANY reason to feel vulnerable? Does he have any reason to feel neglected? That's the type of thing that could quickly make things escalate.

 

[Hope1964]

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You are not over reacting.

 

[Happilymarried..I think]

I guess I am more worried about things escalating. I know of one time that him and I had special passes to an event and we went. He later told me that his "friend" was there too. I asked him why she never said hello to him or us, he didn't reply. I also remember him being distant the night of the event. Things changed over one month but seem to be going back to normal. About three weeks ago we had a huge fight and for the first time in our relationship he said that maybe we shouldn't be together. I agreed and went to stay at my moms. He later called me and said that he loved me and he didn't want to be without me. I went home the next day and we worked on things and they have gotten better.

 

[somethingelse]

If you feel that this is not right, then you should tell him to stop talking to this woman. It sounds like she is stepping on your toes. Trying to infiltrate in on your M slowly.

Who knows if your H is lying or telling the truth about their R. But from what you have seen already, he has lied to you about going to her house because he didn't tell you. He has deleted texts, so he didn't want the risk of you seeing them. He has avoided confrontation between you and her. That's a big red flag.

If she is "only a friend" to your H, then wouldn't he want to introduce the two of you? Does he introduce you to his male friends usually? and from the sounds of it, these two are pretty good friends if they are talking often.

 

[Jamison]

I would for sure keep an eye on this. Even if nothing is really going on doesn't mean something might not start. She needs to get some female friends to confide in, text etc, not a married man.

 

[WalkingInLight]

I know that I should follow my intuition and I know that there are some obvious red flags but when or how should I react or am I making too much out of it?

Nope, you're not making too much of it. This is how cheating starts.

 

[wiigirl]

Nope, you're not making too much of it. This is how cheating starts.

My thoughts exactly....

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Jellybeans]

I guess I am more worried about things escalating. I know of one time that him and I had special passes to an event and we went. He later told me that his "friend" was there too. I asked him why she never said hello to him or us, he didn't reply. I also remember him being distant the night of the event. Things changed over one month but seem to be going back to normal. About three weeks ago we had a huge fight and for the first time in our relationship he said that maybe we shouldn't be together. I agreed and went to stay at my moms. He later called me and said that he loved me and he didn't want to be without me. I went home the next day and we worked on things and they have gotten better.

Red flags, dear.

The fact she was there ad didn't make herself known and he didn't point her out, the fact he won't shut up about her, the fact he got distant, the deleted texts...and why is he texting her? They don't work together anymore.

Keep your eyes WIDE open. I would bring it up to him like "I notice you mention X's name a lot."



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************

 

[canttrustu]

Just to mention quickly that that is how I figured out initially that something was going on with my H and a coworker/boss. He talked about her incessantly. And he got a strange text at a very important time in our lives when our child was ill. She was 'overly' concerned for a coworker. I said so- he blew it off. Then as time went on he spoke of her more and more. Everytime I turned around it was OW this OW that....

THAT turned out to be a year long EA!!! Dont ignore your insincts. Pay attention to his email(I hacked his) and his phone log. Trust your gut- I wish I had.

We are in R now but ultimately he had to quit his job and its been a very very long road.

Best of luck.

 

[canttrustu]

Red flags, dear.

The fact she was there ad didn't make herself known and he didn't point her out, the fact he won't shut up about her, the fact he got distant, the deleted texts...and why is he texting her? They don't work together anymore.

Keep your eyes WIDE open. I would bring it up to him like "I notice you mention X's name a lot."

And when you do- Pay VERY close attention to his reaction.... If he gets defensive -MAJOR red flag. If he uses the word "JUST" as in 'just friends' etc....BIG red flag.

EA or not- his behavior(texting, going to her house, talking about her constantly and not introducing you) is not appropriate for a married man.

Educate yourself and do what you need to do. QUickly.

 

[Jellybeans]

When you say it to him, do it calmly. Don't sound accusatory. Gauge his reaction.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************

 

[Vaya Con Dios]

Personally I wouldn't like that either. I know every couple has different boundaries but for me, it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Have you asked him about his thoughts about her? Maybe ask him and then tell him how it makes you uncomfortable. Then listen/watch carefully to see if he respects your boundaries or if something else is going on. I've been there, luckily there wasn't anything going on with my husband but the feeling of being unsure sucks. GL!

I agree with yellow star...Most, If not all men like attention from another woman, but it doesn't mean something is going on, I know as I did this exact thing to my wife...pure Ego that's all it was, my wife said STOP!! And I did..Not immediately as I didn't want offend my friend...I Have many regrets in life, upsetting my wife is one.
I'm sure you will be fine.

 

[canttrustu]

I agree with yellow star...Most, If not all men like attention from another woman, but it doesn't mean something is going on, I know as I did this exact thing to my wife...pure Ego that's all it was, my wife said STOP!! And I did..Not immediately as I didn't want offend my friend...I Have many regrets in life, upsetting my wife is one.
I'm sure you will be fine.

yes. The key here is HIS reaction to your concerns. If you ask him to stop texting her-does he? Thats what you should look at. If he backs off b/c it bothers you- youre good to go-if he wont/doesnt- BIG problem. Careful though, mentioning that he talks about her could tip him off to be more careful.... Think it thru. Its bothersome that he acted distant when he knew she was there...

 

[Happilymarried..I think]

I am just curious to why he is so good of a husband right now and still talks about his "friend" a lot. Whatever he is feeling or how he feels has not faded for her and yet he is being a great husband to me. I don't think he realizes that he is talking about her and looks for reasons to bring her up or if has even noticed that I have caught on.

I dont want to confront him yet. I am waiting a couple of more days to see if there is anymore communication between them.

Thank you all for your advice. You are all really helping me alot. I appreciate you listening too.

 

[canttrustu]

I am just curious to why he is so good of a husband right now and still talks about his "friend" a lot. Whatever he is feeling or how he feels has not faded for her and yet he is being a great husband to me. I don't think he realizes that he is talking about her and looks for reasons to bring her up or if has even noticed that I have caught on.

I dont want to confront him yet. I am waiting a couple of more days to see if there is anymore communication between them.

Thank you all for your advice. You are all really helping me alot. I appreciate you listening too.

I think waiting(and listening and paying attention to all other things) is a good move at this point. One of the biggest mistakes I made was calling him on it when I was only suspicious. He stonewalled, got defensive and suddenly started paying alot of attention to me. Be careful that CAN be a form of gaslighting. Not saying it is, just could be. I was for my H. A way of throwing me off so to speak. Try a VAR in his car? If he's talking to her-its likely in his car. Then you'll know exactly the nature of the relationship.

Just a suggestion.

 

[Happilymarried..I think]

Is a VAR a voice activated recorder?

 

[canttrustu]

Is a VAR a voice activated recorder?

Yes. Its harmless. If you find nothing- then there ya go. You need not ever tell him. If there's something to find I suspect you may find it with that.

 

[Twofaces]

He sounds really slick. And manipulative. My H used to do this kind of crap years ago when he cheated before. Yes everyone, he cheated before, this aint my first rodeo. Just the worst one.

Anyway. He is doing these things soo that youu wont be suspicious. Right in front of your face is the best offensive and defense in his mind.

Hes probably having sex with this woman or at least wants too.

Be very careful how youngo about this, act as if all os normal and then....

Put a VAR in his car. Get a hold of his cell phone and spyware it. Spyware his computer. I didnt read all of the thread. Is she married? If so, Suggest dinner with her and her husband. Watch the dynamics between your husband and her. Learn as mich as you can about the husband casually, like where he works, etc somthat you can expose these two if it tirns out they are indeed bumping uglies.

Dont let this slide. Do what you must to protect yourself.

Good luck