[wah2much]

I have talked this over with my husband and it has done no good so I'm open for advise.

My husband is horrible with money. He gets on these kicks where he NEEDS things (guns, bow and arrow, cars, fishing poles, whatever) and has to buy them.

We have tried to solve the issue by having a bank account for all our bills and then a separate account for both of us which has set amount of dollars per month in it for spending on whatever we desire. The thought was, if he HAD to have something he would save up the money in the account and then buy it without putting us in the poor house. However, it hasn't worked.

He doubled the amount we originally agreed upon and then blows through that money, then moves onto money from our company, then moves on to credit cards, then to the money which should be used for bills.

Whenever I confront him with the fact that we don't have money for groceries he always says he knows he is the problem, but then is at it again the next day. He has completely maxed out a credit card with purchases for himself.

I end up spending the money in my account for groceries, clothes for the kids and gas. It really makes me angry. When I bring up the issue he immediately goes on the attack and brings up anything and everything ELSE which is a problem in out marriage which he then twists to be completely my fault and pretty soon he is acting holy than thou and how dare I be so hateful to him to deny him a few dollars to have fun.

I have slowing been adding more and more money to my account to make sure there is enough money for the bills to be paid but, why? Shouldn't this be a partnership? This can't seriously be how a marriage is supposed to work. I'm tired of being the adult while he runs around acting like a teenager.

Do I keep trying to talk to him about it or do I walk away and let him drown in his own debt?

 

[hehasmyheart]

Yeah, I've been in that same spot for years, though mine spends all the money, then resorts to credit cards while I do without. I don't believe there is any money to spend if there is debt, so I won't spend on myself. Suddenly, he wakes up one day & decides he's in over his head & WE need to file bankruptcy. It's at $47,000 in credit card debt now.

He promises he's changed, and doesn't want to be selfish anymore. I have no admiration for such a self-centered man. The kids and I will look like we're on welfare, just so he can flash his fancy vehicle and latest gadget. Yuck!

I told him he needs to go to Debtors Anonymous (12-step program), but he says he's already hit rock bottom & doesn't need it because he's already done all those things.

If you are bible believers, you could send this to him:

Question: "What are some modern forms of idolatry?"

Answer: All the various forms of modern idolatry have one thing at their core: self. We no longer bow down to idols and images. Instead we worship at the altar of the god of self. This brand of modern idolatry takes various forms.

First, we worship at the altar of materialism which feeds our need to build our egos through the acquisition of more “stuff.” Our homes are filled with all manner of possessions. We build bigger and bigger houses with more closets and storage space in order to house all the things we buy, much of which we haven’t even paid for yet. Most of our stuff has “planned obsolescence” built into it, making it useless in no time, and so we consign it to the garage or other storage space. Then we rush out to buy the newest item, garment or gadget and the whole process starts over. This insatiable desire for more, better, and newer stuff is nothing more than covetousness. The tenth commandment tells us not to fall victim to coveting: "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor" (Exodus 20:17). God doesn’t just want to rain on our buying sprees. He knows we will never be happy indulging our materialistic desires because it is Satan’s trap to keep our focus on ourselves and not on Him.

Second, we worship at the altar of our own pride and ego. This often takes the form of obsession with careers and jobs. Millions of men—and increasingly more women—spend 60-80 hours a week working. Even on the weekends and during vacations, our laptops are humming and our minds are whirling with thoughts of how to make our businesses more successful, how to get that promotion, how to get the next raise, how to close the next deal. In the meantime, our children are starving for attention and love. We fool ourselves into thinking we are doing it for them, to give them a better life. But the truth is we are doing it for ourselves, to increase our self-esteem by appearing more successful in the eyes of the world. This is folly. All our labors and accomplishments will be of no use to us after we die, nor will the admiration of the world, because these things have no eternal value. As King Solomon put it, “For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless” (Ecclesiastes 2:21-23).

Third, we idolize mankind—and by extension ourselves—through naturalism and the power of science. This gives us the illusion that we are lords of our world and builds our self-esteem to godlike proportions. We reject God’s Word and His description of how He created the heavens and the earth, and we accept the nonsense of evolution and naturalism. We embrace the goddess of environmentalism and fool ourselves into thinking we can preserve the earth indefinitely when God has declared the earth has a limited lifespan and will last only until the end of the age. At that time, He will destroy all that He has made and create a new heaven and new earth. “But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness” (2 Peter 3:10-13). As this passage so clearly states, our focus should not be on worshipping the environment, but on living holy lives as we wait eagerly for the return of our Lord and Savior, who alone deserves worship.

Finally, and perhaps most destructively, we worship at the altar of self-aggrandizement or the fulfillment of the self to the exclusion of all others and their needs and desires. This manifests itself in self-indulgence through alcohol, drugs, and food. Those in affluent countries have unlimited access to alcohol, drugs (prescription drug use is at an all-time high, even among children), and food. Obesity rates in the U.S. have skyrocketed, and childhood diabetes brought on by overeating is epidemic. The self-control we so desperately need is spurned in our insatiable desire to eat, drink, and medicate more and more. We resist any effort to get us to curb our appetites, and we are determined to make ourselves the god of our lives. This has its origin in the Garden of Eden where Satan tempted Eve to eat of the tree with the words “you will be like God” (Genesis 3:5). This has been man’s desire ever since—to be god and, as we have seen, the worship of self is the basis of all modern idolatry.

All idolatry of self has at its core the three lusts found in 1 John 2:16: “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.” If we are to escape modern idolatry, we have to admit that it is rampant and reject it in all its forms. It is not of God, but of Satan, and in it we will never find fulfillment. This is the great lie and the same one Satan has been telling since he first lied to Adam and Eve. Sadly, we are still falling for it. Even more sadly, many churches are propagating it in the preaching of the health, wealth, and prosperity gospel built on the idol of self-esteem. But we will never find happiness focusing on ourselves. Our hearts and minds must be centered on God and on others. This is why when asked what is the greatest commandment, Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37). When we love the Lord and others with everything that is in us, there will be no room in our hearts for idolatry.

 

[Benevolence]

And now for the non-biblical version...

Your husband is a selfish jerk that will never change, you need to take control of all the money.. yours AND his.

Put him on allowance, if he doesn't agree to it tell him to take a hike!

 

[EleGirl]

Your husband has a serious mental health issue. The reason he spends money is that he gets a brain chemistry high when he gets his new prize.

Put him on an allowance. Remove him from every account including business ones. This is not all that different from a gambling addtion.

And then take him to a psychiatrist.

It might end up that the only way to protect yourself financaily is to divorce him. At least that way he cannot put you in debt.

 

[bluelaser]

Do I keep trying to talk to him about it or do I walk away and let him drown in his own debt?

You could try but at some point you will realize that you have to save yourself. Just make sure its not too late to stand up on your own.

Some spouses get a D to limit their financial liability since they may be responsible at least in part for whatever debt the spending spouse racks up. Also keep monitoring your credit for signs for financial infidelity (he could open accounts in your name without your knowledge).

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Do I keep trying to talk to him about it or do I walk away and let him drown in his own debt?

Only YOU can decide what to do for you & your child(ren).

I WALKED after 19 years of selfishness on his part. I was reading around on TAM and believe my STBXH has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I am working, paying my bills ON TIME. It is a VERY LIBERATING feeling. I sleep better, am happy, have confidence in myself and no longer 'wish away' the future. I am looking forward to the next 10 years (and I'm in my mid-50s).

It's not TOO LATE to start over the RIGHT WAY.

 

[luvintokyo]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:
You teach people the way they treat you. If you dont stop he wont stop. I divorced after 18yrs and my exH is just starting to learn, he now rents a room in a house not having learnt how to pay his bills all those years, he makes over 100k per year, I am not getting any alimony and he is not paying the child support as agreed. The least you can do is keep your money.

 

[Michael A. Brown]

You must help your husband to overcome that character.

 

[Navy3]

you can't make some face up.you can try & try&try until you're blue in the face - had years of this with my husband (who i love v much),it is only now that he senses a real change in my own attitude(i've told him any more & i won't lend £ from family to bail him out again once this present lot is re paid again). that is scary because i must follow that through otherwise if he repeats it again i will be setting a pattern for the rest of my married life.

we were looking at BR his debts ran up over £50k, 3 yrs earlier he had £25k cc's& bullied me into a huge secured loan too. i've told him if he does it again I will go BR,lose my share of the house & divorce him to protect myself from what he does. i will do it,do i want too? no, i don't,it'd break my heart but i can't live in this fear any more.

you have to think about what YOU are going to do,if a wife or husband is in denial nothing will budge them,i've heard all the promises before,"i won't do it again,EVER i swear", "this is the LAST time, i'm not going through this again", "i really mean it this time","no more credit cards EVER", "do you think i should get a Capital One card...just to re build my credit rating?"....,"I'm sorry,no i REALLY mean it this time","it just snowballed,it ran away from me","i was desperate".

things were so bad i had no £ for food,a terrifying place to be. he says he loves me but this doesn't feel v loving.
i go to church too,i can forgive but that doesn't mean i can forget.

 

[turnera]

There are just some situations in your marriage where you have to take over. Cut him off all accounts; monitor him and if he opens new ones, cancel them. You're going to have to be the meanie in this and if he tries to blame it on you, tell him tough and that he's getting one last chance to stay married and that means complying. AND getting mental help because what he does is an illness and needs addressed.

 

[CaliRN]

Cant change someone who doesn't want to. Time to decide to accept things how they are or move on.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Navy3]

Hi, things are not so simple for me just walking away,i've got a disability - my husband is also my carer,i'm on benifits,i feel v vulnerable with this added problem. he's got so much debt i can't even pay for anyone else to come in & help me at the moment. but even if i wasn't disabled i wouldn't want to just throw the towel in on him, we've been married a long time & i do love him. i'm scared but i hope he will get help & sort himself out. knowing i DO have a choice if he does it again has helped -i'd lose my share of the house though, he's seen me looking at BR on the pc - he knows i mean it.

But, this has got to stop. he's had a letter through for his counceling - he's a wreck about it,facing it all. he would never admit he needed help until now.

he's agreed to having our Experian credit file checked every yr,it's the only thing i can think of that would show up any other accounts he might open without telling me . if he refuses i'll know right away he's started again.i can only check/keep an eye on what i know about - he has internet access at work. i hear what you guy's say,babysitting a adult is hard going & can feel v frustrating!!

i'm sure you're right that he has a mental health problem. still wonder if it's gambling or some sort of debt addiction - only just found out there was such a thing as a debt addiction this week!!!!

 

[turnera]

Disabled or not, unfortunately, you are going to have to step up and push your comfort zone and be the bad guy here. You just are. If you are disabled, and you were to leave him he would likely have to continue to pay for your care. And if you're in the US, there are many other avenues to take care of finances besides him. Never let money be the reason you stay.

Now, aside from that, it's fixable, IF you start speaking out and REFUSING to allow it to continue.

btw, looking at Experian once a year won't cut it. You need to demand complete access to his accounts, YOUR name on them so you have the right to make changes (cut off access).

 

[the liberal one]

by looking at your situation i think you should give him an ultimatum on whether he stop spending or not. He is actually being abusive and non-communicative at the problems that he was facing (if he ever knows).

2-solutions divorce or separate bank account

not sure if my advice are suitable or not and i hate to say that money is what it holds the marriage together (as well as other factors)

 

[Navy3]

Hi, i must admit i felt so down & sad reading your replies, i cried.

Disability DOES make it harder for someone like me to just leave, my home is adapted for my needs, so i couldn't just go into a ordinary rental home & i need daily support. i could not physically pack & load a car with my stuff- i'd need help,i've no family who live near me, my only friends i'd talk to are a retired vicar & his wife who because of their beliefs would discourage me from leaving him,( i don't want to leave him - but i can't take any more of this". fleetingly when this last lot of debt "hit" i remember thinking about suicide & "i can't cope with this", it was fleetingly but i felt so overwhelmed).
besides all that - i've got no money to cover a deposit or even an advance of 1mths rent - if i didn't laugh at being in such a state(eyes full) i'd be weeping. i've got a saving account that i'm trying to save tiny bits up,it's soooo slow as the £ is tied up paying debts. it is a revelation to me to realise i DON'T have to take any more,i alway felt i had no choice,i can go BR myself & let him sort it all out himself.now my Dr knows i think she would help me.

I've been very clear with him what i will do if he does it again. He's seen me looking at bankruptcy on the pc,i've got housing forms,opened a new basic bank account so if he starts again i will change where my £ is paid into AND i've told my Dr - broken the secrecy/silence of it.

just having a separate bank account isn't enough to protect myself, as his wife i'd be liable for what he doesn't repay debtors - BR & divorce would be the only way.
for now a joint bank account means i can check things
like the mortgage are being paid.

i accept it is financial abuse,it's very hard seeing it for what it is. he's used my ill health against me to do some of the things & played on my mental health saying some awful lies to cover himself. i'm finding it very difficult & it continues to be distressing.

you can demand all you like,if you're dealing with someone who is covering something up/lying they will only tell you what they want to. i will never know if he's telling me the WHOLE TRUTH because it is not the first time. he is so frustrated with me for not trusting him:scratchhead:!!!!, i can't understand how on earth he thinks i ought to feel reassured by him how on earth does he expect me to listen to him & feel reassured????.

i hope his counselling helps him as i can't see any other way right now. i will continue to save the tiny bits that i can.

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

This spending of his is an addiction. He's not going to get better unless he gets professional help.

There are a few family members of mine that are spenders including my own mother. They shop every single weekend.:/. My mother actually admitted to me she had a spending problem about a month ago. This was after years of irrational spending and denying the problem. She's done nothing to solve this addiction of hers.

Good luck. It's hard to convince someone that has a problem that is in denial. I'm not sure if they have help in your area that specializes in shopping addiction.

One thing you might want to do is control all the finances. His too.

 

[Navy3]

Thanks for your reply. he has a appointment next wk for a assesment for his councelling,he's v worked up about it. i hope he will go,i'm encouraging him to.

he told me last week that i could(!) check in all the paperwork/statements we have in a file ( we did a Full & Final IVA - Individual Voluntary Agreement to pay a settlement figure off the total debt,it was a % of the amount. my Dad lent us the £ but we're repaying it back each mth).

i've spent hours looking through the papers,they're all statements of final amounts. there's not ONE single statement showing what he's spent/bought or done! he has burnt anything that showed what he was doing!

 

[turnera]

Oh, that's not good. You need to tell him that if one more piece goes missing, he is out on his ass. Put the fear of God into him.

 

[LearningLifeQDay]

Wah2much...Spending is a difficult behavior to modify or control. I was in a lot of debt, but my late wife was very good handling money and sorted our finances out. She was the best! She was always very level-headed. I made a conscious effort not to buy 'toys' and have maintained that out look since. It took getting rid of everything and starting 'fresh' to see what is really important in life.
I do believe that what's happening on the outside is a reflection of what's going on in our minds.
"Be happy with what you have and not with what you don't have."
I say this to myself everyday...
Good luck.

 

[Navy3]

I'm feeling very rattled. i had housing forms which "dissapeared"(i didn't tackle him on it), i think he's been going through my things because i found them pushed to the bottom of a drawer a few days ago, gone in the drawer today & they've gone- i've not moved them.

i'm very wary because he was asking about a envelope i have with passwords/numbers in a couple of days ago. it all seems to be feeling very scary.
if he does the dirty on me i've not got £ to live somewhere else wiith all the debts,i don't know where i'd go.