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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My husband and I met when I was 15 and he was 17. It was love at first sight for both of us. We became inseparable very quickly. I'd never felt anything like it before, nor have I felt anything like it since. I still love this man with all my heart and soul, and I have NEVER loved anyone else. I couldn't get him out of my mind in twenty years.

In fact, not long after we met, just a month before my 16th birthday, I lied to my parents and told them I was going to a concert and had my friend lie and say I was staying at her house. Instead, I stayed with him at his friend's house and I gave him my virginity. I've never regretted that. He is the only person I have ever known that was worthy of something so important.

Not long after I gave him my virginity, he made out with my best friend right in front of me in the car. He was driving, I was in the front seat on the passenger's side, and she was sitting between us. I was so angry I was afraid I was about to kill her, so I demanded he pull the car over and let me out. I walked home alone in the middle of the night.

He came over and knocked on my bedroom window later that night begging for my forgiveness, which I gave him because I love him more than anything. However, it wasn't long at all after that when he brought the sister of another of my friends home and took her into the bedroom we had begun sharing. (We'd gotten our own place together.) He says he kissed her and nothing else happened, but I SAW them go into the room together and it DESTROYED me at the time. I don't know why I didn't just jerk her up by the hair of the head and physically throw her out the front door. I guess because she was my friend's sister.

Again, I forgave him. However, after a while he had started hanging out with another female who he says to this day was nothing but a source of drugs to him (he used to have a drug problem, but has not touched them in many years.) Anyway, he told me one day he was going to this girl's house so her mom could cut his hair. I told him I'd pay to have his hair cut professionally, but he absolutely insisted he HAD to get it done by her mother. Of course, visions of him kissing my friend and going into the bedroom with my friend's sister entered my head and despite my begging him not to go, he did. As I said, he says now they had no relationship and it was only about drugs, but at the time I had no way of knowing that because he didn't tell me.

So I called this guy who had been asking me out repeatedly and I went on a date with him. When I got back, I told him about the date. He was heartbroken. He cried, and we broke up. There were a couple of attempts at reconciliation after that, but it was difficult. We didn't talk for twenty years, but I had been trying almost the entire time to find him. I loved him. I knew I loved him. But I couldn't locate him.

Fast forward twenty years. I have five children by two different men, two very, very terrible relationships that I regret and wish I could take back. I found him on Facebook. We talked for about a year, then decided to try to rekindle our love. It's been bliss, except for one major thing. He is extremely jealous of my past relationships.

Now, one would think *I* would be the jealous one because (a) I am female and (b) he kissed other girls right in front of me at least twice after I gave him my virginity. Yes, I AM indeed a bit jealous of his previous relationships, but not to the point he is by any means.

This problem rears its ugly head every week or two. Sometimes it happens when we are having sex and he can't finish. He will almost always keep going until I orgasm, then he will stop. He usually says it's because he has to pee or he's dehydrated or tired, but I tell him go pee and come back and he won't. Only once did he say he was thinking of me with someone else, but since then I am thinking that is always the reason when it happens.

Sometimes he just gets very quiet. Sometimes he actually gets angry and snaps at me and says something like, "Maybe you should call so-and-so. I'm sure his **** was bigger than mine and he could please you better than me."

The thing is, my husband is NOT small by any means. Occasionally it even hurts. If he were any bigger, I would not be able to deal with it. Additionally, he is the ONLY man I have EVER enjoyed sex with. EVER. Every time I ever had sex with anyone else, I would just lie there and pray it would be over quickly. They weren't him. No one ever was. In twenty years, no one was EVER able to make me forget him, even for a moment.

There are a few reasons he is so jealous.

1. I had a one night stand once. It was a guy I knew in high school. He was at my house, he initiated things, and I gave in simply because I had the stupid teenage desire to impress my best friend, and my best friend happened to think this guy was extremely hot. I wasn't even attracted to him. It was a stupid, stupid mistake. I was 16. I was impulsive and reckless and dumb.

2. I dated a series of guys after we broke up. Each one lasted at MOST a week or two. I had sex with most of them. I was heartbroken and stupid and just wanting to feel like I wasn't hideous and worthless, which is how I felt. It was a fair number of guys in the span of a few months. Nothing massive, but more than my husband has EVER been with in total.

3. One of the guys I dated was his best friend. After he and I broke up the first time, his friend came over and asked me out. I said yes, dated him for a few days, had sex once, and immediately broke up with him. I regretted it instantly, but I couldn't take it back.

4. I met this guy through a bizarre coincidence. I learned he couldn't stand my husband because he says my husband took a girl away from him. (I later found out this was not true, and the girl in question never liked the guy at all.) Anyway, he asked me to marry him and I impulsively said yes, because I thought it would get back to my husband (then boyfriend) and make him jealous and he would come back to me and tell me he loved me and wanted only me. He didn't, so I very stupidly proceeded with a marriage to someone I barely knew and couldn't stand. It lasted a month before I told him I wanted out because I was still in love with my now husband. He'd slapped the crap out of me a few days before that, so I didn't feel bad telling him the truth.

5. The guy I went on the date with when he was "getting a haircut" became my boyfriend. My cousin and my now husband drove me and the guy to his ex-girlfriend's house to get his stuff. My husband says I was making out with him in the back seat and telling him I loved him and apparently trying to get his pants off, but I honestly DON'T remember that happening. But I'm sure it did, because it still haunts my husband to this day. The only thing I can think of is that I must have been trying to make him jealous and hoping he would turn around and tell me he loved me. If he had, I would have dumped the guy in a heartbeat. I only ever wanted my husband. But I thought he didn't want me, that he didn't care, so I stupidly married this guy. Another very, very dumb move. He was abusive, and it lasted a couple of months off and on. We were never together long at a time, and then it was over for good. I didn't love him.

6. I was with my ex for 14 years. This is the relationship I was in when I found my husband on Facebook. This ex was extremely abusive to my children from a previous relationship, and when I found out what had been hidden from me I left. The only reason I even stayed in the relationship despite HATING this person, was because every time I tried to leave I got hit with threats of suicide and I was guilted into staying. I was MISERABLE. I even told his person (as I did everyone else I ever dated) that I was still in love with my now husband.

I should mention that the only time I ever did anything WHILE he and I were together was the one date I went on when he was over at that girl's house "getting a haircut" after I begged him not to go. Everything else was when he and I were broken up.

He just has so much jealousy over all of this. I made mistakes. I NEVER stopped loving him. I NEVER even remotely felt this way about anyone else. I can't take back my past, but I would in a heartbeat if I could. But most of it was twenty years ago, when I was around 16 years old!!!!

I just don't know what to do. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him over this. I love him so much. He truly, truly is the other half of my soul. If he and I don't work out, I will NEVER be with anyone else, because I see now that he is the one. The ONLY one.

I am faithful. I wouldn't even dream of doing anything with anyone else. I don't even find other men attractive anymore! I have done everything I know of to show him how very much I love him. I am with him 24/7. I have spent hours and hours filling out job applications for him and working on his resume. I have helped him get back into college. I have listened to him talk about how terrible his exes were to him. I've listened (painfully) to him talk about the sexual interludes he had with people he met online and such. It hurts, but not enough for me to get mad at him over. However he DOES sometimes get mad at me over MY past, which I have learned to rarely talk about. Sometimes things do slip into the conversation, though, and then I realize I've screwed up.

We are expecting a baby. This is his first child. We are happy. He is an INCREDIBLE husband the vast majority of the time. He makes me happy. He takes care of me and the kids. He is protective, loving, the most incredible lover I could ever imagine. He makes me smile and laugh. Hell, he even sat through a ten hour marathon of the Twilight movies in the theater for me! (Now THAT is LOVE!!)

I'm just lost. I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see him hurting like this. I don't know how to help him, how to make him stop getting these visions of me with other men that hurt him so much. I can't lose him. I love him so much!
 

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So much drama. Do you tell him these things? About hating it with the other men all those years because they weren't him ect? He sounds insecure probably borne from his own guilty feelings. Have you told him you forgive all the past? That can be very powerful.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
So much drama. Do you tell him these things? About hating it with the other men all those years because they weren't him ect? He sounds insecure probably borne from his own guilty feelings. Have you told him you forgive all the past? That can be very powerful.
Yes, I've told him over and over that I hated them. I've told him so many times that he is the only man I ever loved. I've told him repeatedly that I forgive him and that I love him so much.

I'm just starting to worry that I will never be anything but a source of pain for him, and I cannot bear that. I want to lift him up and bring him joy, not drag him down and make him feel pain.
 

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Well I for one can understand his Jealousy and how they can effect you but! he seems to have some of his own past that is not so honorable either! so he might be a little hypocritical and you might be beating yourself up a little too much?

I my own case my wife had a past I mostly found out about after we were married, it was more involved sexually than first expressed and it involved an affair on her first husband and an abortion with the scum bag she left her husband for! I found out all this later after asking straight up if anything like this had ever happened. I was told no!

so unfortunitly I know all to well how these past images and feelings can interfere with a marriage no matter how much we all love one another.

I am guilty for not confronting these things with my wife, she has no idea I know all the details, I feel if I were to let loose things might be said and done that will do damage but, contradictory, it is doing damage by not getting out in the open and delt with.

That is my only advice to you! make him deal with it through counseling, him alone and the both of you together, In my case if my wife had come clean like you did and actually admitted this was all a and mistake and she wished she could take it all back! I would gain a new respect for her that I lost.
you have already done this, it is up to him to realise you are sorry and it hurts you to know this hurts him, if he cant come to terms with all your support and regret, I dont think it will ever change, Jealousy, insecurity and regret all combined are a powerful and addictive thing.

I think you both need to seek professional help, it's not like your hiding anything or lying and it's not like he is completely clean either, if there is love and a littler determination middle ground should be obtainable, after all you have a child on the way to consider also.
 

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I really don't think you husband has any right to be " jealous" of you after what he did to you in the past.
He's acting really weird.
Better check up on him just to be sure he's not fooling around.

In the meantime,
Do some work on yourself.
The relationship sounds like its bordering on abusive.
 

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Many men have a hard time if they look at your past and think it shows a pattern of vulnerability to things like one night stands or cheating on past partners.

You met your husband and left who you were with to be with him so it would be odd for him not to be insecure about trusting you.
 

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I think men are more susceptible to problems in this area than women. It may not be rational but I think it is the way things are.

If I were you I would be sympathetic, tell him you would undo the past if you could because he is the one you love. But advise him to live in the present - that is where happiness is. And make him feel very loved.
 

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His behavior is odd. You shouldn't have to continually reassure him of your love. And it's ok if you stopped loving him in the 20 years you were apart. You're allowed to feel that. You don't HAVE to have loved him constantly since you were teens. There's something in your post that makes me think you're always propping him up at the expense of your own mental well being. His retroactive jealousy should be treated by a counselor trained in such things.

All your relationships occurred after you two broke up. He also has a past and while you two were together in your teens, he wasn't faithful to you. But that aside, it's rare a middle aged person is going to enter a relationship a virgin and without a past. There might be those rare exceptions, but most people have some sexual experience by your age. It's unfair for your husband to hold this against you.
 

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I think it spins back to trust. Time fixes this. The longer you guys are faithful respectful partners to each other, the more trust builds. It's unfortunate that you married so quickly. These are the kinds of issues that are small if dealt with before jumping full into a relationship where you second guess and feel trapped.
 

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His retroactive jealousy should be treated by a counselor trained in such things.
Some other threads on this issue ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-bothered-wives-past-sextual-experiences.html

Website devoted to this >> Retroactive-jealousy.com

What is Retroactive Jealousy (RJ)?

Quite simply Retroactive Jealousy or RJ, as it is commonly referred to by many, is the resentment, anger and bitterness that is rooted in the actions, behaviour and thoughts stemming from past events. Although RJ can manifest itself in various types of relationships (between siblings, friends etc), it is most commonly found within romantic relationships, whereby one partner is jealous of the previous relationship(s) of the other partner.

Who suffers from RJ?

It is not age, gender or time specific and can affect anyone. From those in the throes of first love as well as couples who have been married for over thirty years. I personally, am a female in my mid twenties and encountered this problem in my second serious relationship. I have heard of men who have harboured RJ related feelings and insecurities towards their wives of 20 plus years as well as young men and women who have had RJ affect them after their relationship had ended. The feelings of insecurity associated with RJ can strike at anytime to anyone of us in a loving relationship.

What causes RJ

This will be looked at in far greater detail in other posts, as its simply too great a topic to summarize into a single paragraph. However, in my research I have found that there are many triggers that cause RJ to manifest itself within a person from details about partners ex's, certain visual triggers (such as a film, tv show, image) a particular song and even a certain perfume or smell. However, the reason why some people suffer from RJ whilst others appear not to is due to the fact that RJ is essentially a form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Like most psychiatric disorders OCD may have genetic and/or environmental precursors, so it is likely that RJ is either due to our genetic make up or caused by how we were raised and the experiences we had during our development.....

Retroactive Jealousy Blogspot
 
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