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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In the last couple years I have gained 20lbs and and because of the insecurity its created, my husband isn't satisfied with our sex life . I use to be confident and now I avoid him seeing me naked with the lights on . For me this stems from knowing he looks at porn etc and I just can't compete with plastic and airbrush so its humiliating for me. We still have a very active sex life , we have sex regularly(by regularly I mean several times a day on lazy weekends and during the week if we have the energy!) but recently after too many drinks he said its boring for him and he doesn't want to be with me anymore unless I lose weight and spice it up. The next day after he sobered up he apologized and said he would never leave me, but in my experience drunk words are sober thoughts. I am dieting and exercising to lose weight and gain my confidence but I feel resentful that my husband would actually leave me over 20lbs ?! Why would I want to give him the satisfaction of having an irresistible wife when he isn't fulfilling my emotional needs . Sex is very important to me ... I love sex !! Its just so hard to feel sexy anymore and want to participate when I know my husband isn't turned on by me . I'm suppose to want to strip naked and jump in the shower with him after he's told me more than once he doesn't find me as attractive anymore?I know I shouldn't rely on him to make me feel attractive and it should come from within myself, I'm working on getting that part of me back...but right now I don't know if he is the person I should spend the rest of my life with . I wrote him a letter so I could articulate my thoughts without starting a fight and the only response I got from him was a text that said ' I liked your letter'.
Um okay . I was hoping it would initiate a conversation and get us back on the same page but now he is just acting like its a non issue. I'm just tired . I don't even know exactly what advice I'm asking for , I just need a males perspective since my male has no communication skills whatsoever . Another ladies perspective would be much appreciated too !
 

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Keep having sex and implement some gym or exercise time. I'm sorry that he hurt you with his words, but it was good that he apologized. Let his words motivate you not anger you. Btw how does he look? I find it funny that some men have high standards for their wives, ie no weight gain but they can walk around with pot bellies and a bubble butt and it's ok.

I'm a firm believer of NOT letting yourself go after marriage. I stay in shape more for me, and he just gets to benefit from it;)
 

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I think that was cruel and immature of him.

Have you got any children?

Also I think you are right porn can be a problem in a marriage- there are a lot of studies that show it does create unrealistic expectations for some men of sex and of their wives. For me I would ask that he not view it anymore and instead focus on us and our sex life.

If you have children your body and weight is likely to change, and it doesn't sound like it's changed by much anyway. And if you don't have children but are planning it, how does your husband think you feel when pregnancy, childbirth and age do change your body (which is normal).

Of course you both want to be healthy body and mind, so getting rid of the porn will probably help with the mind stuff and working out together or walking together will help with the body. However it's going to take a bit to relax and trust your husband again. Words can really hurt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Lila we are both in our early 30's married for 5 years, one child together .

Thank you Marriedwithdogs ... I completely agree with you about not letting ourselves go ! It's crucial .
Funny you ask, I will always think he is gorgeous but his body has changed dramatically since we met . He use to be all muscle but he quit weight lifting a few years ago and hes a bit soft now ;-)
 

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Maybe you should tell him that he'll deserve you in better shape once he looks like a hot porn star. Women let pr!cks like this who think they're entitled to what they can't give off way too easy. Find some pics of hot, buff men online and leave the screen open.
A little empathy can work wonders.
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Op we will all say things we will regret or wish we can take back. He was drunk when he said it and apologized.He assured you that he loves you. I just don't want us to add fuel to the fire by saying how horrible he is for saying it. Only makes things worse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you Little Deer , it really does create unrealistic expectations . I get that men have their 'needs' and they are visual creatures but he would flip if I got off looking at other men . He says he doesn't look at porn anymore but I think he's just being sneakier about it .
We do have a child together and I have 2 children from a previous relationship . I've always kept up my appearance and weight was never an issue for me until I switched to a more sedentary career a couple years ago. I know I can lose the weight but now I'm afraid I will always have that insecurity that my husband will stay with me only as long as he finds me sexually appealing .
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
Ha ! The last time I saw he'd been looking at porn hub, I googled the biggest porn star c*ck I could find on my phone, showed him the pic and excused myself to take a long, wet bubble bath ;-) It was effective . He had never looked at it from my point of view and he felt awful . I didn't really follow throught, just wanted him to get the idea ...

Marriedwithdogs thank you for the advice . I will try to just accept his apology for what it is and hope for the best !
 

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Pretty cruel locking him out of the thing he gets the most pleasure from. I think you should find a better way to handle insecurity.

Totally on the other side, any idiot man who complains about 20 pounds to a woman who is still having frequent good sex with him, and also has the nerve to come to bed drunk. Has some need of stern talking as well.

I'd like to recommend the book I'm currently working through as a good approach to that insecurity. Reconnecting: A Self-Coaching Solution to Revive Your Love Life. Sorry it's not inexpensive but it is available as an e book.
MN
 

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Ha ! The last time I saw he'd been looking at porn hub, I googled the biggest porn star c*ck I could find on my phone, showed him the pic and excused myself to take a long, wet bubble bath ;-) It was effective . He had never looked at it from my point of view and he felt awful . I didn't really follow throught, just wanted him to get the idea ...

Marriedwithdogs thank you for the advice . I will try to just accept his apology for what it is and hope for the best !
I think you handled that brilliantly.

Maybe you could write him a heartfelt letter about how you feel. Let him know that he might want to sweep it under the rug but that you can't forget his words.

And Mr nail what do you mean pretty cruel locking him out of the thing he gets the most pleasure from? :scratchhead:
 

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Ha ! The last time I saw he'd been looking at porn hub, I googled the biggest porn star c*ck I could find on my phone, showed him the pic and excused myself to take a long, wet bubble bath ;-) It was effective . He had never looked at it from my point of view and he felt awful . I didn't really follow throught, just wanted him to get the idea ...

Marriedwithdogs thank you for the advice . I will try to just accept his apology for what it is and hope for the best !
I love it! That's something I would do.....Well done :smthumbup:

How someone reacts when you do the same thing is the real test of how big of a deal they think it is.
 

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Maybe you should tell him that he'll deserve you in better shape once he looks like a hot porn star. Women let pr!cks like this who think they're entitled to what they can't give off way too easy. Find some pics of hot, buff men online and leave the screen open.
A little empathy can work wonders.
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This...What's good for the goose is good for the gander, is it not?
 

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It's interesting that you question your husband's love. For men they are not equivalent but having good sex can make men be in love. Sex cannot make a man (or woman) love a person they disrespect.

What is good about your husband? This your second marriage. I take you are anxious to make this work. Is he a catch?

Is your husband capable of change?

You should definitely lose weight while getting into shape. Merely being the "right" weight is not that appealing given that being fit is the new norm. If you like feeling his muscles, he likes the same.

There are lots of exercises one can do at home without any equipment. Do you have time to a gym?

Does he?
 

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It's interesting that you question your husband's love. For men they are not equivalent but having good sex can make men be in love. Sex cannot make a man (or woman) love a person they disrespect.

What is good about your husband? This your second marriage. I take you are anxious to make this work. Is he a catch?

Is your husband capable of change?

You should definitely lose weight while getting into shape. Merely being the "right" weight is not that appealing given that being fit is the new norm. If you like feeling his muscles, he likes the same.

There are lots of exercises one can do at home without any equipment. Do you have time to a gym?

Does he?
She ain't feeling his muscles, he let them go. He's demanding what he isn't providing. She should let him know that she'll get fitter but she expects him to do it too.
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He shouldn't have said it the way he did, but you already knew you had a problem as evidenced by the fact that you started hiding your body with the lights off.

The #1 person who will benefit from you getting in better shape is you.

If you choose not to lose the weight out of spite for how your husband talked to you, you are really just hurting yourself more than him.

If he is such a bad guy, you'll be much better off finding his replacement if you have a rocking body.

There are so many reasons to be in better shape and only one of them is that your husband will like it.
 

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In the last couple years I have gained 20lbs and and because of the insecurity its created, my husband isn't satisfied with our sex life . I use to be confident and now I avoid him seeing me naked with the lights on . For me this stems from knowing he looks at porn etc and I just can't compete with plastic and airbrush so its humiliating for me. !
Wild,
Let's be realistic: it's not that your husband "looks at porn". He is having intense sexual gratification with other women while masturbating regularly to whatever he's watching. He experiences the full rush and effects of orgasm with others (even if not in the flesh with the other person). Does he really think such a thing has no effect on his intimacy with you?

The reality I believe is that he does indeed love you and is attracted to you (hence the "I'd never leave you" the morning after). He has bought into the lie of porn and created false beliefs about what he needs sexually. The issue is not that you "can't compete" with the "plastic and airbrush". There are no airbrushes in video porn and with HD all the wrinkles and natural imperfections are clearly seen...it's not about how much "better" the other women is. It's all about the rush from heightened sensuality of the sexual situations and acts, etc. Get rid of the porn, and those false beliefs and false "needs" will go as well (but it will take a while).

Forget about the usual "How old are you? How long have you been together? Do you do this or that in bed? Are you working out....blah blah blah". Irrelevant. Those questions only address the symptom not the root.

Fact, porn will eventually destroy your sexual intimacy in marriage. Dozens of posters here will tell you that not everyone gets addicted, a little here and there is OK, people use it from time to time without having a problem, etc (sounds like recreational drug users, doesn't it?), they will tell you it "spices up" the marriage when you experience boredom etc... even if all of the above arguments were true (in reality they're lies), the fact is you are (rightly) feeling diminished which will ultimately end in bitter resentment. His porn habit is hurting you emotionally and no good will come of that, period.

Confronting him directly and demanding he cease and desist is rarely the right approach. The effect and attachment of porn are very strong even with light use. He needs to see the light for himself and want to change. Attacking him will not do accomplish that. He needs to see the heart of the matter for its effect on you.

The diminishing feeling you get from how he his treating you and knowing he is masturbating to porn is valid. Imagine how he would feel if he caught you masturbating to porn of really hung and built men with whom he could never hope to compete? AND you told him you were bored with him because he couldn't give you want you "needed"? (I do not recommend this. It will open up doors in your life that you do not want opened. Or it could backfire and he may decide he likes it...another door you do not want opened.)

You should read "Wired for Intimacy" to get a good understanding of how porn affects the male brain. Maybe if your husband is reasonable, you can get him to read it as well...that might be a start.

Meanwhile, get in shape-- for you, not for him. "Level up" as they say. It will make you feel better, and exercise is good for you emotionally and physically. If you are very limited in time and can't get to the gym, go with kettlebells. One or two kettlebells with 20-40 minutes a day will get you full-body ripped (assuming your diet is decent) and all you need is a space about the size of a large closet. I recommend Sarah Lurie's "Kettlebell Express" 20 minute DVD as a great starter.

20lbs, really? Unless you are only 4ft tall, I can't imagine that extra is anywhere as bad as you think it is. Don't obsess on it. You are a good wife and a blessing to your husband-- a woman who desires her man and regularly seeks intimacy with him? That's awesome, and apparently, rare. I'm sure you have other great qualities that you haven't told us about, but that alone makes you a great catch that many a good man would appreciate.
 

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My daughter and I have a woman friend (teammate in our sports club) who lost a lot of weight. She had a lot extra on the stomach, butt and thighs. It melted away after a few months of playing. My daughter told me one day that the teammate had been depressed after a LT boyfriend refused to commit and they ended it. She ate to cope and put on the kilos (the European measure of overweight).

Hard exercise can really change things. CrossFit is pretty hard core but it is a place that one can test for free probably one or two times.
 

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...I use to be confident and now I avoid him seeing me naked with the lights on .

...We still have a very active sex life

...after too many drinks he said its boring for him and he doesn't want to be with me anymore unless I lose weight and spice it up. The next day after he sobered up he apologized and said he would never leave me...

...I am dieting and exercising to lose weight and gain my confidence but I feel resentful that my husband would actually leave me over 20lbs ?!

...Its just so hard to feel sexy anymore and want to participate when I know my husband isn't turned on by me .

...but now he is just acting like its a non issue.


...,I just need a males perspective....
One male perspective coming up.

He hurt you with his words. He was a drunk jerk. I am sorry, words can really hurt. You have every right to be upset.



I have three suggestions.

First continue on you exercise program, not because of what he said, but so that you will have a long healthy life for you and your child. See if you can't get him to become part of your exercise program by doing things with him and your child as a family. Walks as a family, bicycling together (even with the child in a bike trailer or special bike seat), swimming, judo (depending on the chllds age), can all be group activities that will build family relationships.

Second, get him to help with your weight loss motivation. Have him become part of the solution. For example, i remember a talk show where the host said that it was hard to get husbands to loose weight. A listener called in and said no getting her husband to loose weight was the easiest thing she had ever done, it just required the proper motivation. She then explained that she sat her husband down and told him that for every 5 pounds of weight he lost, he could buy her any (ANY) outfit he wanted and she would wear it for him in their bedroom. She said that the gifts of lingerie and her husbands weigh loss were absolutely astounding.

The point of the story is maybe you and your husband can figure out some "motivation" that will help you with your goal. Say, for every x pounds you get a night out on the town with him, get a special treat to say a movie or symphony, a pedicure, a whole weekend to sleep in, while he takes care of your child and does chores around the house, or new clothes for you new figure. You know what motivates you and now you can see if your husband will help you achieve your goal. After all in his drunken state he said it was important to him. I'll bet he may confess that it wasn't really that important by his actions, but then again, you do what you want to do and figure out how to make it happen.

My final suggestion is that you really forgive your husband. Your post implies that you have not fogiven him. Do some affirmations to get through to your subconscious where you say in a loud voice that your forgive him for what he said to you and that you love him, use his words in your affirmation and/or tell yourself how lovely, sexy and confident you are now. Then go up to him and tell him that you love him and that although his words hurt you, you forgive him for what he said and the pain it caused you.

While he may feel it is a non-issue, you obviously don't feel it is a non-issue and the two of you should work this trhough. That may require him to again apologize, but forgive him first and make sure he knows he is forgiven.

Good luck
 
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