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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My Husband told me today that he has been unhappy for a while (I already knew that but we seemed to be feeling better since last time we talked about it) but he doesn't know why or anything. He said that it's not anything that I have done but that he just is unhappy in general. I am confused as what to do. We have already done MC a year ago and he refuses to go back because he doesn't think it helped very much. "Trial Seperation" came into our conversation but neither of us know if this is a good idea or not. I have heard of some couples getting back together afterwards but some don't. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for almost 4. Has anyone ever done a trail seperation and if so, how did it end up? I don't know what else to do. I don't want to lose him but I also want him to be happy and I don't know what I can do to make him happy if he doesn't even know what is causing it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Before when he has been unhappy, he has been able to tell me what he thinks is making him unhappy so we can fix it. He is really bad at relating his feelings. He can be really stressed, angry, or happy and not know what is causing it. I do believe he is being honest with me when he says that. He seems very sincere when he says he doesn't know and he even went as far to say today that "he wishes he knew exactly what was causing it because it would be a lot easier to fix". No, we thankfully do not have any children.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
To add a little background, we had a couple years in our relationship when things were really bad because I lost my libido and rejected him a lot. We have moved on from that and our relationship lately has been everything we used to say we wanted (minus him feeling unhappy now). He says that he doesn't resent me anymore for that which is knew because up until recently, he would throw that is my face when we would argue.

Over a year ago, we went through a bad phase where he truly didn't want to try anymore. We went to counseling which seemed to help a lot and got us back on track. I really did feel everything was fine because he was acting like he was happy with everything up until recently.

We own a business and he is always very stressed out and has really bad mood swings. One minute he is euphoric and the next he is extremely angry or upset. I have told him several times how I feel like I am on on roller coaster with him. I have even mentioned to him before that I think he might be bi polar and he has agreed that he thinks he is too. He refuses to try and get help for it.

I love him with all my heart and don't want to lose him but I am not going to try any longer to beg and plead for him to stay with me. Before when he would say he is unhappy and doesn't know if he wants to be with me, I would beg and plead and tell him that I would change. This time though, I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him but I was no longer going to make him stay if he doesn't want to.

One minute he loves me more than anything and couldn't imagine not being with me than the next he wants nothing to do with me and isn't happy.

Part of me believes that he is just not happy in general because he talks all the time about how tired he is of the business ect but part of me is scared that he's just not happy with me.

I just don't know what to do and I am so confused.

I'm sorry this is so long.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
He doesn't believe he is depressed because he doesn't feel "blue" all the time. He refuses to get checked for depression, bi polar, or just a chemical imbalance because he thinks that taking pills for this would change who he really is.
 

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Has your husband always had mood swings like this?

It sounds like he is depressed. So even if you do a trial separation, or divorce, he will still be depressed. There really might not be anything you can do to influence the way he feels.

You have been together for 7 years. There seems to be something very real about the 7 year itch. this might also be part of what you are dealing with.

If he refuses to seek out help for his mood swings that he's refusing to do what he needs to do to make things better. It does not bode well for the marriage.

Most couples who do a trial separation never get back together. But for a few couples it's a great help. I would do one only as the very last resort.
 

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My Husband told me today that he has been unhappy for a while (I already knew that but we seemed to be feeling better since last time we talked about it) but he doesn't know why or anything. He said that it's not anything that I have done but that he just is unhappy in general. I am confused as what to do. We have already done MC a year ago and he refuses to go back because he doesn't think it helped very much. "Trial Seperation" came into our conversation but neither of us know if this is a good idea or not. I have heard of some couples getting back together afterwards but some don't. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for almost 4. Has anyone ever done a trail seperation and if so, how did it end up? I don't know what else to do. I don't want to lose him but I also want him to be happy and I don't know what I can do to make him happy if he doesn't even know what is causing it.

Your husband sounds just like me. I realized about 13 months ago I was truly not happy. I told my wife. I dont know when it actually started, but it was a feeling that I know came on at times more and more over the last 10 years. To the point where I didn't want to go home, I would work long hours, and wouldn't speak to her for days.

As I mentioned in my other thread, we are separated now, but it's not a trial. I had to take another job 1000 miles away because that's all that was available in my field. I don't miss her, and she doesn't seem to miss me.

I did drive home once in the last 6 months. I wanted to surprise my son for his birthday. When i walked in, she was sitting on the couch and didn't even get up. (that was the second strike I guess)

We got into an argument a few months ago and she sent this hate email telling me not to call or email back. She didn't call for another 29 days.

You need to get him to talk and explain, or tell to someone. Something has happened and he knows why, he might not know how to say it but he knows.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You are talking about my husband to a t..:/ I need some help too, lol
I am sorry you are going through the same thing because this is not something I would wish on anybody. The confusion on what to do and the hurt of not knowing whether you will be with this person or not.
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Has your husband always had mood swings like this?

It sounds like he is depressed. So even if you do a trial separation, or divorce, he will still be depressed. There really might not be anything you can do to influence the way he feels.

You have been together for 7 years. There seems to be something very real about the 7 year itch. this might also be part of what you are dealing with.

If he refuses to seek out help for his mood swings that he's refusing to do what he needs to do to make things better. It does not bode well for the marriage.

Most couples who do a trial separation never get back together. But for a few couples it's a great help. I would do one only as the very last resort.
I really hadn't known that things had gotten so out of hand. Yes, he has always had really bad mood swings but they seem to get worse each year. He can be very emotionally abusive one minute and a complete angel the next. He has also been using alcohol as sort of a medication lately which isn't helping anything.

I am trying to do the 180 which has seemed to help the past few days but everything is so up and down. I know that I can't make him stay if he doesn't want too but I truly feel that him leaving isn't going to make him happy either. He says that he feels like it would because he hasn't been happy for a long time and he always feels lonely.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
As a former business owner, I can attest to the stress it can bring to your personal life. Has your business been affected by the economic downturn in recent years? Has he talked about doing something else? If you separate, what will happen to the business - will you both continue to work together?

I think people can become accustomed to throwing out the "I don't know if I want to be with you" card when unhappy. Is it an empty threat? I think you are ready to call him out on it. I understand your hesitation though.

I feel you will drift further apart if you do a trial separation.
The business has always been an issue for us because one minute he is doing exactly what he wants to be doing and the next minute he's so burnt out that he doesn't know it he can do it anymore. I have been extremely supportive of the business and I comfort him when he's feeling like he can't do it anymore. He had talked about selling the business but doesn't go beyond that.

If we split up, I don't think I would work for the business anymore and would probably have to find a replacement job.

I used to beg and plead for him to stay and that I would change but I am doing the 180 now. He brought it up again the other day and I told him that I loved him and wanted to be with him but I wasn't going to stop him if he wanted to leave. He accused me of trying to control the situation and went out to the bar for two days after that. The last couple days he has been more affectionate and since I'm not chasing him, he has been coming today. It was seeming to help a lot until today because we had a hiccup and I felt like we were right back to square one again.

He tried to initiate sex (which is are biggest problem because of rejection issues). I was in the middle of doing a few things at the office and I admit my head wasn't right because I was so focused on my task that I blew him off. The moment I did it, I realized the I made a really stupid choice but it was too late. When I tried to apologize he said again that he just doesn't care if I'm sorry or not because it should t happen in the first place and that I should want to be with him. He said that he was going to go stay at the shop for a few days. He also said that he had made a decision yesterday to try but by me doing what I did, ruined any trace of trying he had.

We ended up having a long discussion about separating and again he said he has no hope and that he loves me but he is not happy and hasn't been for a really long time. He also says that the hints about it relationship that stick out the most for him are negative things. He also talked about how he believes he would be happier if we weren't together.

He than proceeded to tell me that he's not sure if we should have ever gotten married because he has bad his doubts and there has been three times that he almost walked away. I wanted to defend myself but I continued to do the 180 and just listened and agreed and did everything I could not to cry in front of him.

After or conversation, we ended up having really good sex (the best we have bad for a really long time) and he asked what had gotten into me and kissed me and told me he loved me.

I'm just so lost and confused. Sorry this is so long.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Your husband sounds just like me. I realized about 13 months ago I was truly not happy. I told my wife. I dont know when it actually started, but it was a feeling that I know came on at times more and more over the last 10 years. To the point where I didn't want to go home, I would work long hours, and wouldn't speak to her for days.

As I mentioned in my other thread, we are separated now, but it's not a trial. I had to take another job 1000 miles away because that's all that was available in my field. I don't miss her, and she doesn't seem to miss me.

I did drive home once in the last 6 months. I wanted to surprise my son for his birthday. When i walked in, she was sitting on the couch and didn't even get up. (that was the second strike I guess)

We got into an argument a few months ago and she sent this hate email telling me not to call or email back. She didn't call for another 29 days.

You need to get him to talk and explain, or tell to someone. Something has happened and he knows why, he might not know how to say it but he knows.
I'm sorry that you have and are going through this. It sucks. Some of your comments really stand out for me. Last year when things were really bad for us he would work late too because he would dread coming home. After we went to counseling he has been coming home earlier and it's showing those tendencies anymore.

Also, we always get up and greet each other when one of us comes trough the door. Most of the time his action are saying he's happy but verbally he's saying he isn't.
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Sorry about all the misspelled words. I should have read through it before I posted just so upset!
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I think he might be bi polar and he has agreed that he thinks he is too.... One minute he loves me more than anything and couldn't imagine not being with me than the next he wants nothing to do with me and isn't happy.
BeHappy, the rapid flips you describe -- i.e., flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are a strong sign of "black-white thinking." It typically occurs when a person cannot tolerate ambiguities, mixed feelings, uncertainties, and other grey areas in interpersonal relationships. It will be most evident in the way a person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in just a few seconds, based solely on a minor comment or infraction.

How long has your H been exhibiting this type of behavior? Did it start right after your courtship period ended (i.e., after about six months)? Did he have a bad early childhood, e.g., abandonment or abuse or an emotionally unavailable mother? Does he go through a repeated cycle of creating fights over nothing (to push you away) and then acting very loving (to pull you back)?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
BeHappy, the rapid flips you describe -- i.e., flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are a strong sign of "black-white thinking." It typically occurs when a person cannot tolerate ambiguities, mixed feelings, uncertainties, and other grey areas in interpersonal relationships. It will be most evident in the way a person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in just a few seconds, based solely on a minor comment or infraction.

How long has your H been exhibiting this type of behavior? Did it start right after your courtship period ended (i.e., after about six months)? Did he have a bad early childhood, e.g., abandonment or abuse or an emotionally unavailable mother? Does he go through a repeated cycle of creating fights over nothing (to push you away) and then acting very loving (to pull you back)?
It is interesting that you mention the black/white thinking because that is exactly how he acts. When we are having good days, I am the love of his life and when we are having bad days than our whole marriage is a scam. It is never "we are just having an off day".

Yes, it started after our courtship period ended but also when we started having intimacy issues. His childhood was fairy good. His parents are still married but have fought constantly his entire childhood. His dad also worked in another state so he didn't get to see his dad very often.

I definitely feel like he casts me out only to real me in again. Once I start to feel safe again, we fight.
 

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Behappy,


My wife is the love of my life....she is everything to be. For years we were in a somewhat sexless marriage. It was never enough so I just buried my emotions.

After 17 years of resentment, I started ti initiate sex way way more than ever before. after three years of that, My wife finally let me know how much she disliked sex. She didn't have to tell me, /I already knew.

We haven't had sex in a month and I am in a mess. My wife sees nothing wrong.

I don't know if I am bi-polor or I may be a little BPD, especially without sex.

Sex means so much to me. Good mutually desirable sex make me happy. Sex makes me happy. Sex motivates me to want to come home. Sex gives me a reason to work hard and make a good living for the ones I love.

My wife took that away from me. Yes, I know I play my part in all that. I also know that I shouldn't let another person control my happiness.

Maybe I cast my wife out as well. If she doesn't give me the love, sex, and intimacy I crave so much, why do I bother taking care of her needs

I think you husband may be a lot like me.

Is it the lack of sex that is causing all the issues?

I want to hug my wife so bad it hurts.
 

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IMO, I think your husband may still holds resentment from your rejections. Lots of it. he just doesn't want to say that. Maybe an ego thing.

I tell my wife now that I don't really care about the sex anymore

Are you his best friend?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
IMO, I think your husband may still holds resentment from your rejections. Lots of it. he just doesn't want to say that. Maybe an ego thing.

I tell my wife now that I don't really care about the sex anymore

Are you his best friend?
I think you are right that he is a lot like you. He is a very sexual person and that is how he always showed his love and I took that away from him. I'm still not a big fan of sex but I am way more open to his advances now and even initiate it myself because I know how important it is to him am I want to make him happy. I hate that it took us going through that mess and him building so much resentment for me to see it that way. Now I am scared it is too late and he will never get over the passed and never see what is right in front of him not.

You tell your wife that you don't really care about it anymore but is that true?

I was his best friend just like he was mine. Now I am not so sure on both of our parts...
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Behappy-

I know I goofed up bad. I always knew my wife had very little interest in sex. The last 3 years she just endured sex when I initiated. She never wanted to say no. I knew she was avoiding sex. I just took it to the extreme until she cried "uncle". I just read too many book to improve intimacy and it back fired.

She was having sex with me because she knew it made me happy.

Now that I know she was just enduring sex, it makes me sad...way sad...

Then again, on another level, she was having sex with me out of love. I think she loves me. As of now, it doesn't seem like it. Now that the cat is out of the bag, there is no going back to having a sexual marriage.

I told my wife sex doesn't matter and I don't care.... It matters more than I can say.

Knowing she has zero desire for sex with really takes a toll in my head.

Will your husband get past this?

Will I get past this?

What I would want my wife to do would be to say I love you for one thing....I hardly ever hear that from her. I want her to scream it at me until I knew that is how she feels.

I want her to sit on my lap and give me the wettest passionate kiss she is capable of.

Although my wife told me to have sex with other women because she doesn't want sex, I know she doesn't really want me to do that.

I would just have to get over the fact she doesn't like sex.

So as a man with an ego, I want to know if it's me being a lousy lover or is it just my wife who is so LD. I think I have the chance to find out soon. I know it will hurt me in the process.

My wife is and always was my best friend. She has been for 20 years.. I don't know anymore. I will hate to lose that.
 
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