[superlove]

I love him dearly, but I have an issue with his constant career quitting. We both work in the arts. While I don't make a huge amount, I've always worked and supported myself in my field, while he has had a number of jobs and different career paths, all of which he's quit. Never fired or lack of opportunity, always quits. From working in film, to nature conservancy to teaching, he has never stayed on one path for more than 3 years or so. I knew this about him before we were married, I just figured that he was finding his way.

Well recently he decided he wanted to go back to school for music. Music has been the one constant thing in his life and he's incredibly talented. He was embraced at his university and even offered a teaching job at the schools community program, even though this job usually requires a degree.

Well, the workload has taken a toll on him, we hardly ever have time to do anything together, and he never has time to hang out with friends. He's said that he's miserable and wants to quit. Well, it's only been ONE semester, of course it's hard. I am NOT okay with him quitting. We had to move, I had to change some of my career plans, and we took out loans and paid money for this. Plus I'm sure if he quits school he will lose his job.

I'm so angry at him for this. Am I wrong? He says in his heart he knows he should quit, that love and our marriage should come first, before work and success. But I think that's just something he's using so I can't argue back. We are in our early 30s, I think it's time for him to choose a path and stick to it.

 

[KathyBatesel]

As a person who gets bored easily and also changes career paths quite often, I can empathize with both you and your husband. As a woman, I can probably get away with it a little easier (unfair, but true), but I have also always supported myself up until the last few years when my husband and I jointly agreed that I'd stay home.

While his argument may sound logical on the surface, by not being a good provider for his family, he's neglecting the love and marriage he claims to be putting first.

However, you can't exactly control his priorities and values, so it might be better to just let him know that you expect him to contribute a certain minimum income to the household each month - no matter how he does it - and that it's not okay for him to quit until he has a replacement lined up.

 

[superlove]

He has said that he will always have a job and provide, I believe that. But he's okay with getting government assistance to get by...I'm not. So I don't know if he cares about getting a high paying job. But I guess it is his decision. I just know I will have a hard time believing in his "dreams" from now on.

 

[Dollystanford]

hmmm bit of an issue for me this was - my ex was exactly the same, never stuck anything longer than 18 months and it was always the best thing to happen for a while and then something or someone would change that and it became sh*t and he had to leave for his sanity/whatever

It wore me down, it made him depressed because when he actually took stock of what he'd done with his life at the age of 41 he realised he was pretty much unemployable. He's now doing a menial job because he had to get something permanent and guess what, he's already decided it's beneath him and is looking for the next thing that's going to earn him loads of money (ha)

if you're the one that's supporting this flighty behaviour the resentment will start to build. It's not about how much he's making, it's about the lack of stability and security

 

[superlove]

Right, plus everytime he quits something he feels shame. He still feels guilt from quitting peace corp and from leaving the film industry. I wasn't even with him then, but he practically can't talk about those experiences because he feels he wasted those opportunities. I don't that to happen again with this...should I bring this to his attention? Of maybe he feels guilt over societal expectations? But still, I don't see him being happy just working a non-creative labor job. If he worked somewhere steady I'd be happy, I'm just afraid he will always bounce from place to place.

 

[tiredandout]

If I'm reading this right, he seems to be quitting because the stress level climbs too high and he doesn't feel like the rewards are equal? I can see this in my H also (who has already also quit a successful creative career only to start another). Seems to be that your husband needs to accept that no matter how awesome, every job has parts and times that suck and — even more importantly — that it is sometimes ok to do less than one's best. He seems to be overextending himself. Everyone starts to hate their job when the stress hits burn-out level and there's no room for enjoyment in their life anymore.

I don't think it is ok for him to this soon quit a career path also you made significant life changes for, and you have taken loans for him to pursue. This is not something to quit on a whim, one semester in uni is not long enough to know whether a career is suitable for you. I liked mine ok the first 2 semester, hated it for the next 6 and only learned to love during the last 2.

I would suggest talking to him about the feelings and fears this arouses in you (stay away from any blame, as he's already feeling ashamed for quitting), and trying to work out an agreement for him to stick it out at least for XX semesters to see if he'll change his mind. Also brainstorm for a plan where he doesn't have to spend all his waking hours on it and you'll have some quality time to spend together, plus he has some time to meet his friends too. Creative university studies can be draining but there is always room for prioritizing, even if it means picking one or two classes that he doesn't care about and only do the bare minimum for those, so that he can concentrate on the others etc.

He sounds like the type who will never stay put in one job for a decade and you might have to prepare yourself for a future where his work situation is not the most stable. But he must realize (and you must help him to) that now you are two, and although still free to dream and experiment, you must take each other into consideration when making big plans and decisions.

 

[Dubya]

I believe my wife would lose a lose of respect or me if I just gave up.

There is a balance though... But, I think, in this case, he just needs to stick with something. How long until he finds himself?

I'd be angry too. I like to be able to count on my spouse.

 

[barcafan]

I have someone like this in my life and it is possibly the most annoying thing in the world!!!!
I don't think they understand that even the most exciting job can become tedious and routine at some point, and that if you ever want to succeed in life, a little bit of perseverance goes a long way.

The excuse I got? "I like a little drama in my life."
Okay...