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My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for 1. After almost two years of being together he decided to ask me if I would be willing to show my body off on webcam for others. I hated the idea and said no. Eventually, after months of pestering me, I agreed to do it as a "one time" thing. He ended up convincing me to do it more often, despite me telling him how much I hated it. We then got to a point where it was an almost daily occurrence and I told him I had had enough. He agreed to me stopping for a few weeks, then it began again so I figured I'd start doing it for money so at least I'd be getting something out of it. When I decided I'd had enough of that I told him he could still take some dirty photos of me. He then began begging me to let him upload them on the internet. I eventually gave in to his guilt trips but allowed him to only upload a select few. Weeks later I discovered that he was uploading VERY revealing pictures of me which he knew I had asked him not to upload. We discussed it, he apologized then we moved on. A week after that (today) I discovered he had uploaded a photo almost identical to the one that he had just removed, and that the one he had removed was now circling the internet. I confronted him about it and, again, he apologized and removed it. Now he is expecting me to help him "get off" and he expects me to do that for him every night, no matter how I want to spend my night. I suffer from severe depression and bpd, and it has peaked since he began, in my words, using me for his own pleasure despite how I felt. What can I do? He makes me feel so bad for being "boring" in bed, but I really do try to make an effort when he's not trying to get me to do things that make me feel absolutely disgusted with myself.
 

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Your husband is sick. Stop feeding his addiction immediately and insist he get counseling. You need it too for allowing yourself to be pushed into something you find degrading.

Do you have any close family or friends? You may need a break from his addiction to find a little peace. Do not be ashamed. You are being harmed and you need to take care of yourself. Your husband does not care for you and might not even be able to unless he gets serious help.

Do you have children?
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It's him that's "boring" cuz everything's about his own self-centred needs.

If you're depressed/BPD, Elef, the last thing you need is angst to focus on.

If the àss won't STFU about his needs you need to start planning an exit strategy.

If you do that,, expect him to blackmail you by threatening to send links of you vids/pix to family, friends and co-workers.

He's an abuser. With your condition he'll make you suicidal if he hasn't already.

If you don't have family to take you in,, get thee to a shelter and get your head assessed if you're feeling way down. You'll be happier away from him.
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I think it would be wise for you to find and destroy every picture he has of you. Anything in the camera, memory cards, his computer(s), his cell and on his website. Don't tell him what you are going to do. Just do it.

With the memory cards, break them so that he cannot use some kind of tool that reconstructs delete files.

If you need info on how to wipe everything so that he cannot rebuild files, just let us know.
 

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Good evening elef
you are catering to his every wish and fantasy, including doing things that make you very uncomfortable.

What is he doing for you?

As an aside, if he has any technical savvy, it is impossible to delete all of the photos. A single physically tiny thumb drive can store hundreds of hours of video and tens of thousands of pictures. He likely has a backup somewhere, and there is almost no chance you can find it.
 

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I think it would be wise for you to find and destroy every picture he has of you. Anything in the camera, memory cards, his computer(s), his cell and on his website. Don't tell him what you are going to do. Just do it.

With the memory cards, break them so that he cannot use some kind of tool that reconstructs delete files.

If you need info on how to wipe everything so that he cannot rebuild files, just let us know.

This:iagree:. Do it now! Do it quietly. Once you have completed these tasks. Figure out whether you need to end that marriage.
 

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You really are "toonaive". Those pics and video are out on the Internet. The odds of the OP getting rid of them now are nonexistent.

C
 

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It's him that's "boring" cuz everything's about his own self-centred needs.

If you're depressed/BPD, Elef, the last thing you need is angst to focus on.

If the àss won't STFU about his needs you need to start planning an exit strategy.

If you do that,, expect him to blackmail you by threatening to send links of you vids/pix to family, friends and co-workers.

He's an abuser. With your condition he'll make you suicidal if he hasn't already.

If you don't have family to take you in,, get thee to a shelter and get your head assessed if you're feeling way down. You'll be happier away from him.
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I know without a doubt that he would never blackmail me like that. He is a very caring person, but it's as though when he's "in the mood" he just thinks with his other head. Last night he was giving me grief for being boring by saying I never do anything for him in bed, even though I've been making an effort and letting him talk dirty with me which actually involves him saying "Tell me you're a ****. You're a dirty *****, tell me that you're going to be a cam ***** and let people watch you." I told him two days ago that even though I said those things to "help him get off" I don't actually want to be those things so now he says the dirty talk does nothing for him. Then yesterday I was having a really bad day and when he was giving me grief I told him that I was struggling with the loss of our unborn baby 10 months ago and we talked it out and he offered me comfort and said we'd find someone to help me with that, but then as soon as I was done crying he was jerking off and asking me to do the dirty talk, and getting frustrated with my reluctance because he had to get up early in the morning.

I've told him it's not normal, and that if he wanted a **** for a wife he should have married a **** rather than telling me after we were already married that that's what he wanted and forcing me into it. I just don't understand how he goes from this sweet, loving guy during the day to degrading me in bed without a care. It's at the point where I'm coming up with excuses to not go to bed when he does.
 

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This:iagree:. Do it now! Do it quietly. Once you have completed these tasks. Figure out whether you need to end that marriage.
If we had a very serious conversation and I told him I wanted them deleted, he would delete them. The problem is that he'll just manipulate and guilt me into letting him take more in the future, and he'll say he's just doing it for him, then he'll guilt me into agreeing to letting him post them on one website, then weeks later I'll find myself all over the internet.
 

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"problem is that he'll just manipulate and guilt me into letting him take more in the future,"

Then the problem is partially yours for not establishing, and keeping, deal breaking boundaries. Your "husband" needs to stop these degrading fetish activities, and stop making hurtful demands of you. I really don't understand your husband wanting to "share" you like that. Its creepy. It starts simply enough with a private, personal photograph, then escalates. Where will it end if this continues for years? Together for 3 years? married only 1? Giant red flag and the door is opening for you. Pictures on the internet? You do realize, that eventually somebody you dont want to see them, will see them. Through friends, family, coworkers, others. Serious conversation indeed.
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
"problem is that he'll just manipulate and guilt me into letting him take more in the future,"

Then the problem is partially yours for not establishing, and keeping, deal breaking boundaries. Your "husband" needs to stop these degrading fetish activities, and stop making hurtful demands of you. I really don't understand your husband wanting to "share" you like that. Its creepy. It starts simply enough with a private, personal photograph, then escalates. Where will it end if this continues for years? Together for 3 years? married only 1? Giant red flag and the door is opening for you. Pictures on the internet? You do realize, that eventually somebody you dont want to see them, will see them. Through friends, family, coworkers, others. Serious conversation indeed.
Luckily none of them have my face in, but I agree with what you're saying. I tell him all the time that he's a "given an inch, takes a mile" kinda guy, and told him I worry about what he's going to expect of me later down the line because he gets bored easily and the thrill wears off so he always wants me to do something else. His fetish is girls doing things that makes them feel uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, if he's ever hurting me in bed or I'm visibly upset he'll stop immediately, but he has a bad habit of making me feel awful for it. We had issues in the past in which he was not a good guy at all; he did things to me no man should ever do to his wife, which made me start talking to another guy (one of his friends) about leaving him and I was sneaky about it because he forbid me from talking to this person. I eventually told my husband that that had been happening (he says I emotionally cheated) and I told him it was because he was abusive and scared me off and because I have no friends or family I had no one else to turn to, so now I feel guilty for hurting him and he brings it up regularly. We went to marriage counselling and things got a lot better; he stopped asking me to do these things and he stopped being abusive. Now though he uses what I did to talk me into doing stuff he doesn't like, and tells me I'm boring and useless and "like an old woman" in bed so that I'll do these things because he knows the last thing I want to be seen as is boring. I'm extremely nervous of people being frustrated and angry at me, especially him, so I just give in way too easily even if I was standing my ground 5 minutes ago by refusing to do it.
 

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You really are "toonaive". Those pics and video are out on the Internet. The odds of the OP getting rid of them now are nonexistent.

C
Umm. I quoted elegirl. Nothing in her post said anything about the internet. Of course anything on the internet is out there, and gone, but the op can work on reducing the chances that any other internet content can be added to.
 

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Well, to an online viewer, he is an abusive person. He will manipulate you emotionally to get what he wants. His fetish will grow stronger the more it is indulged. The high of last time isn't enough to slake his needs, and he will push the envelope further. You may not become a person you recognize anymore. Eventually, you may become a means to get his sexual highs. It may become more about the fetish than the person you are, if it has not already.

Fetishes are hardwired, and may never be gone from that person. Usually deep psychologist and specialist at that is needed, and it does not mean success either.

Usually someone with a fetish will use emotional blackmail, like withholding sex or affection. It may come to the point where you usually don't become the objext of their desire, it is the fetish. You become a mean to fulfill that fetish. And that is why I will not date someone with a fetish.
 

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Well, to an online viewer, he is an abusive person. He will manipulate you emotionally to get what he wants. His fetish will grow stronger the more it is indulged. The high of last time isn't enough to slake his needs, and he will push the envelope further. You may not become a person you recognize anymore. Eventually, you may become a means to get his sexual highs. It may become more about the fetish than the person you are, if it has not already.

Fetishes are hardwired, and may never be gone from that person. Usually deep psychologist and specialist at that is needed, and it does not mean success either.

Usually someone with a fetish will use emotional blackmail, like withholding sex or affection. It may come to the point where you usually don't become the objext of their desire, it is the fetish. You become a mean to fulfill that fetish. And that is why I will not date someone with a fetish.

I didn't know he had a fetish until we were already married. I knew right before we got married that he liked me showing my boobs off on webcam every now and then, but that's as far as I thought it went. I told him last night I wish he had told me about all of this early on in our relationship because it would have changed things. I moved 5000 miles to be with him..
 

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"Caring" people don't manipulate their SOs into doing things they don't want to do.

Caring people don't say they've lost interest in dirty talk only to start it up again when their nútsack has reloaded.

Caring people don't upload private pix of their SOs when their SOs have asked them not to.

That's not a pattern of caring. That's a pattern of not giving a shìt about your needs when they contrast with his.

Until you realise that,, you'll still be posting here until he bans you from going online.

It'll be 'same shìt, different day'. The only thing that'll change will be the severity of the abuse and the dwindling of your ability to fight it.

If you're BPD, you'll hate the detachment,, so I'm worried by how much you'll tolerate before he scares you more than detachment.

It's an unfortunate situation that'll deteriorate until you leave.
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I didn't know he had a fetish until we were already married. I knew right before we got married that he liked me showing my boobs off on webcam every now and then, but that's as far as I thought it went. I told him last night I wish he had told me about all of this early on in our relationship because it would have changed things. I moved 5000 miles to be with him..


Well, after taking all these things into consideration, you have to make an important decision. You need help to figure out why you let someone treat you in this manner, and you have to learn to detach. Your mental health is at issue here. So now you know what the more real him is like. He probably kept this side hidden from you on the purpose of hooking you in. Eventually he lets his obsession take more over his life. It is an obsession. He is not a mentally healthy person. I don't know too many relationship that last with an unhealthy person.
 

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He sounds like an ass, and he's going to keep pushing your limits since his "fetish" involves making you uncomfortable. So as soon as you accept one thing, he's got to push your boundary again.

C
 
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