[Tufluv]

I could use some outside perspective and advice.

I am feeling completely exhausted by my husband for the last 8 mths. Background: married 3yrs, no kids, moved 5x because "he was unhappy working at a f**ed up place"(6 job changes for him). Due to all of the moving, I have quit 2 really good paying jobs that took me 6mths to get hired at each time we moved. Due to the moving expenses & job changes there were many times where we had to scrape together change just to put a gallon of gas in our vehicles or get milk & bread. This last move left us living in a camper for 2mths w/o water or a stove.

We have now been living in a cute little house(2mths) we rent for cheap & after he quit every employer in his field of work within a 60mile radius, I convinced him to open up his own shop on Aug.1st.(before I met him, I had owned a couple of businesses and specialize in marketing). So, I took the last of the $ we had & filed his business & marketed it & it's been so far a steady flow of enough $ to pay the bills(barely).

I am completely exhausted by him now. I sold every bit of furniture, jewlery, anything worth money to pay for all the moves. He does not want me to get a job because he needs my help & bookeeping at the shop. This terrifies me because we have been frickin homeless for petes sakes & we need the $. I only have a couple hundred $ coming in a mth from online websites I run. So this, I can compromise on because I am working on a larger site that should equal a steady paycheck soon.

However, to give an example of what my daily life w/ him is like: The day we moved-he sat on the floor playing a video game on his phone the ENTIRE day while I carried everything in from the camper(had to wash everything because it was filthy) & put the house together. Now...he will only work 8-5(the business hrs sign says 7-5-his idea), he complains about being behind on jobs & customers getting angry. Gets mad at me when I say "you gotta do whatever it takes to get started". He gets home & sits. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, picking up his cloths, dishes, pay bills, through his trash away, take out the trash, picking up his dishes etc. I have tried just not doing it, but then I pay the price. It just simply does not get done...for weeks. He won't even lock the door before we go to bed, turn off lights etc., even if I go to bed first. I pack his fricking lunch & he can't even remember to take it w/ him or bring it home. I am totally exhausted by him. After 3yrs of bill collectors & his ex calling him for child support, I finally took over paying his bills so I didn't have to deal w/ the stress of his yelling about the situation he put himself in. Now...he is 3mths behind in child suport, 3 mths behind on his truck payment & he's not willing to put in extra hrs at work when he has customers coming to him???!!!!

I daydream about what it was like when I was single & feeling lonely sitting in my apartment at night watching tv alone. I don't want to leave him and am not even considering it. So how the heck do you live w/ an adult that is sooo fricking irresponsible w/o it draining yourself?? I took 1 day off of work to stay at home just to get away from him because I am starting to snap at him & his stupid fart jokes & refernces to Family Guy & American Dad just make me look at him as an idiot. Yes, I have lost all respect for him. I like someone w/ a sense of humor but find it idiotic when it comes from someone who can't seem to be serious when needed. I think he is starting to resent me for not laughing anymore. Arghh...Please give me some advice on how to just enjoy his personality again and how to quit feeling like he expects me to be his mother, bookeeper, attorney, errand runner & everything else. I can't even sit & read a book w/o him interrupting me w/ a stupid quote from tv every other paragraph that i read literaly.

 

[Mavash.]

Your biggest problem is you don't know how to say the word "no".

 

[EnjoliWoman]

Leave. You have no kids except one - your husband. You can calmly sit down and explain you need a mate, not a dependent and see if he gets it. If he doesn't, try stopping doing everything for him again. Live as if you are single. Don't do any of his laundry, don't make his lunch, don't nag him about work or anything else, don't be his bookkeeper. If you don't respect him, you don't love him - you love what you thought you had. Pay the bills that effect you.

Sorry, it's not what you want to hear.

 

[Chris Taylor]

You have taught him that his irresponsibility has no consequences. You always pick up the pieces.

Stop doing that. Protect yourself. Let him fail.

 

[Faithful Wife]

I'm sorry tufluv, I agree with the others. You created this dynamic by doing everything for him, and at this point there is no reason for you to ask him to change...he shouldn't have to. He is who he is and you've enabled him the whole way, so it is you who needs to change.

I'd change by changing my marital status, if I were you. I know it is never that easy....but honestly, there is no advice and no marriage books that can handle what you both created.

 

[Tufluv]

I am reading all of your posts and agreeing with you. Except for the leaving him part. Isn't it possible to stay with someone and somehow just live my own life and let him suffer the consequences of his lack of action? or am I being unrealistic? I really don't want to leave him. I would prefer to find a way to somehow quit everything I am doing and just live my own life without his troubles interferring with my life. Is that possible? or unrealistic? or is living with someone like that just always going to take me down the same sinkhole of his problems? I am also hugely concerned that since him and his ex are so irresponsible and they do not have health insurance for his daughter or liability insurance(the kid gets in alot of fights), that once we do manage to get financially stable, that a lawsuit or illness/injury could bankrupt us and put us right back in the hole we started in. I live in a 50/50 state so someone could come after me for whatever my husband doesn't pay. I cannot imagine having a child and expecting the rest of society to cover the cost and risks concerned. I don't think it is fair that I now have that risk when I was the responsible one and did not have children because I could not afford to care for them & when I could, I didn't have the time to devote. So now, I risk a 3rd party putting me at risk for financial ruin(funny since I am already there. But am trying to not be someday) & I have no control over it. When I was employed, I made sure to put his daughter on our family plan health insurance & of course I had to pay for it. Plus, we couldn't tell her mother otherwise we would have gotten huge bills for the deductibles. I don't know...marriage is suppose to be for love not for money so I feel this should not be a reason to leave a person. There has got to be a way to separate 2 peoples liabilities & finances while married. Is there? Life should be about enjoying the things you like. I have a soulmate as far as someone to do that stuff with. How do I get around the rest of it?

 

[A Bit Much]

There has got to be a way to separate 2 peoples liabilities & finances while married. Is there?

There is!

It's called a separation. You move out, get your own place, have your own accounts... just don't divorce. I wouldn't want this, I'd rather be divorced, but you refuse to leave him.

Who gets married to live seperate lives? Nobody I know.

 

[wiigirl]

Your biggest problem is you don't know how to say the word "no".

:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Emerald]

Well if he's your soulmate then get a divorce & just live with him.

This way you won't be responsible for his debt.

 

[Faithful Wife]

"Isn't it possible to stay with someone and somehow just live my own life and let him suffer the consequences of his lack of action? or am I being unrealistic?"

Yes it is possible, but the same way you don't expect him to just up and change all of this, why would you expect yourself to?

What I mean is, you haven't let him suffer the consequences so far, why would you expect to be able to change to the extent that you could let him suffer them now? There is some reason, within yourself, that you have created this dynamic with your husband. You are the one who is unwilling to let the chips fall on his shoulders. Do you mean you think you can just stop care-taking him all of a sudden? That isn't very likely.

 

[Enginerd]

You describe him as irresponsible, inconsiderate, impulsive and immature. You've lost respect for him as well. What are his qualities that make you love him?

 

[Tufluv]

You describe him as irresponsible, inconsiderate, impulsive and immature. You've lost respect for him as well. What are his qualities that make you love him?

Thank you for asking. I guess I didn't mention them when I was venting. The qualities that made me love him and marry him are that his has old fashioned values, faithful,reads & follows the bible, hard working(when he works), smart, funny, enjoys & does the same outdoor activities that I do, non-materialistic, doesn't drink or do drugs, loves animals like I do, health conscious. Basically he enjoys the simple things in life and enjoys and outdoorsy lifestyle. After being in a corporate world for over 20yrs, I find this very refreshing. I had always dated corporate "suits" and after many years found most of them to be too focused on status, posessions, cars etc and I was looking for a more "real" person that took pleasure in life and it's experiences. I found it...but wasn't expecting these negatives to go along with it.

 

[Enginerd]

Thank you for asking. I guess I didn't mention them when I was venting. The qualities that made me love him and marry him are that his has old fashioned values, faithful,reads & follows the bible, hard working(when he works), smart, funny, enjoys & does the same outdoor activities that I do, non-materialistic, doesn't drink or do drugs, loves animals like I do, health conscious. Basically he enjoys the simple things in life and enjoys and outdoorsy lifestyle. After being in a corporate world for over 20yrs, I find this very refreshing. I had always dated corporate "suits" and after many years found most of them to be too focused on status, posessions, cars etc and I was looking for a more "real" person that took pleasure in life and it's experiences. I found it...but wasn't expecting these negatives to go along with it.

I'm a bit confused. You love him because he's a real person who is not materialistic yet your complaining about not having financial stability and possibly being homeless. I don't know many free spirits that also have stability in their lives. It's usually one or the other unless a trust fund is involved. Perhaps you over reacted to your unsatifying experiences with the suits? By the way "hard working" includes pushing through the daily grind. A free spirit is likely to avoid this type of grind for their entire lives. I'm not religous, but I know it's OK for Christians to be successful. Perhaps you should use the bible to get him motivated?

By the way there is a happy medium out there. I know many happy, non materialistic couples that are able to enjoy life while making a good living for their famliy.

 

[Tufluv]

I'm a bit confused. You love him because he's a real person who is not materialistic yet your complaining about not having financial stability and possibly being homeless. I don't know many free spirits that also have stability in their lives. It's usually one or the other unless a trust fund is involved. Perhaps you over reacted to your unsatifying experiences with the suits? By the way "hard working" includes pushing through the daily grind. A free spirit is likely to avoid this type of grind for their entire lives. I'm not religous, but I know it's OK for Christians to be successful. Perhaps you should use the bible to get him motivated?

By the way there is a happy medium out there. I know many happy, non materialistic couples that are able to enjoy life while making a good living for their famliy.

Wow, Enginerd..I think you just cut right down to my problem. Thank you. Your better than a shrink. lol I did not even realize the drastic differences. I guess it boils down to that I am very driven, organized and goal orientated. He is not. I originally chose him because he was refreshing to go home to after a stressful day at work. And on the weekends, I had someone to camp, hike, kayak with. I chose this man because I could not find these important lifestyle traits in the corporate men I dated so I thought I could lead 1 lifestyle during the day and a relaxed one at night & on the weekends. I just didn't plan on it being so extreme. I thought 2 people could be their own people without expecting either one to change. Just accept them for who they are. Maybe I need to sit down with him and bring the responsibility issues up and hope he doesn't take it as me trying to change him. I don't want to change him, just make him more responsible with important things so that I don't have to feel like his mother.

 

[Prodigal]

I don't want to change him, just make him more responsible with important things so that I don't have to feel like his mother.

What I see is a "Yes, but ..." response. You don't want to change him. On the other hand, you want to "make" him more responsible.

What can you do? You can quit being his mother. Separate all assets and liabilities now. Have separate checking accounts, savings accounts, credit cards, etc. You have enabled him long enough. Take away his safety net; namely, you caring for his every need, and let him sink or swim on his own.

Frankly, in this lousy economy, I'm surprised he was able to job-hop with such success. It sounds like he was in a lucrative profession. And it sounds like you really have your act together. He, on the other hand, does not.

I'm not advocating you walk out the door, but I think having all money in separate names would be a wise move. That way, when you stop doing for him the things he can do for himself, you won't take the financial hit.

 

[greg54]

Leave. You have no kids except one - your husband.

:iagree:

He is acting like a child. Zero responsibility. Farting jokes. It reminds me of when I was 12. Do you see him as a capable MAN you can DEPEND on? Or is he a little brother that depends on YOU?

He can change, but only if HE makes the choice. If he's not going to change, get out before he accrues more child support to fall behind on.