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Discussion Starter #1
Let me start at the beginning. I am 43 and my husband is 45. We have been married for a year and a half. As soon as we got engaged, he meet up with an old high school girlfriend on facebook. He talked to her a lot and I warned him of it. He said he wasn't going to talk to her anymore but continued. Then I found messages where he was planning on meeting her and said that "he was not going to deny any feelings that he had for her when they met". I confronted him. He called her and broke it off. He told me that he would never talk to her again and that if I would still marry him that I would never regret it. He confessed after we were married that he never cut it off with her and talked to her up to the time we were married and actually went and met her. He said that after we were married, he had no more contact with her.

10 months after we were married, he started acting strange again. To make a long story short, he had been talking to his ex-wife about them getting back together. He had been gone a lot again and distant. I knew something was wrong. He told me that he wanted our marriage to work and would do anything that it took. He got on some antidepressants and we went to counseling for a few months. He seemed to really be trying.

The last few weeks we have been talking about buying a house together. I have had such an uneasy feeling about this. I still don't trust him. I needed to know that if the oportunity to betray me ever came up again that he would do the right thing. I bought a pre-paid cell phone and got the same area code as his old high school flame. I texted him and pretended to be her. A good husband would have either not responded or told her he wasn't interested. That is not what he did. He switched to texting her from his personal cell to his company cell and told her it was because I checked the cell records. He told her our marriage was up and down, that I was selfish, and that he never knew if today was going to be the day we splitup. All the while, he would come home to me and tell me how much he loved me more than life and still pushed for us to find a house. He holds me every night while we sleep and tells me I am the greatest wife in the world. Yesterday, he told her (me) that it was hard for him to text on his work phone so he would be purchasing a disposable phone after work to communicate with her.

Yesterday, I put a deposit down on a new place for me and my daughter. I am planning on moving Tuesday. HE knows none of this. I am so distraught. I am angry and overwhelmed with sadness because I loved this man so much and he trashed us. I have to pretend like I don't know so that I have time to get my ducks in a row.

Any advice? I am beside myself. No one knows what is happening but one of my coworkers and myself.
 

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Your doing the absolute right thing. Good for you! What a great idea you had getting an additional phone. Just be prepared for him accusing you of setting him up. Your right, he should of ignored the phone text to begin with.

This guy is an absolute creep! He is a serial cheater and I wouldn't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. He says nothing, but lies. Serial cheaters never stop lying or cheating. My ex h is a serial cheater and still has affairs to this day(19 years later). You caught this early, which is very good.

Keep this up. You'll find a decent man someday. They are out there. Good luck.
 

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Ugh, you've only been married 18m and he's already pulling this shizz? Get your daughter and get the hell out - he's just going to carry on lying and cheating and in 10 years you'll look back and say 'what the hell was I thinking?'

Better to be alone that with a guy like this, what a total :loser:
 

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Your doing the right thing. He's a determined cheater. Oh he will try to deny and sweet talk you to get you back home.

If you go back, you'll just be ave to leave the next time you find him cheating and given his history, you will catch him again.

Show your daughter that people do not have to put with being cheated and betrayed, and the best thing to do with people who treat you that way is to dump them out of your life.
 

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I'm so sorry - this has to be ridiculously painful. I give you a lot of credit for the self control to not just lay in to him with what you know already.

You're absolutely doing the right thing, moving you and your daughter out and moving on without him. You're showing your daughter that we can all make mistakes but we don't have to keep making the same mistake.
 
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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks everyone. I know what you are saying is the truth. I don't have a choice but to leave him. I just feel so sick inside because I love him so much and I can't believe he's done this to me.
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This is very painful, but you were so smart to do what you did so that you could spare yourself years of doubt and heartache.

I hope you will follow through and leave him.
 

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It is the right thing to do. Free yourself of him. What is it that you have left to love in him?
Twice in 18 months he has betrayed you. Your Just married! Forget him. You deserve more that that.

You need to expose him to everyone. work. family. everyone. This is for your own protection and the protection of your child. If you just move out he will pull the "wife deserted me for no reason" card. All sorts of bad things can and will happen then.
He is not your friend and he will continue to disrespect you and attempt to bully you. You MUST expose if you are leaving!

Get an email ready. It goes out just Tuesday morning as soon as the you have packed the last thing and you have the keys for the new place in your hand. It does not have to be long or emotional

Dear family friends etc
My H of only 18 months has been cheating on me. Not once, but twice and is continuing it as of now. Myself and D are moving out of our home as of Today and can be contacted

I wouldn't even lock the door behind you.
 

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You are doing the right thing! So sorry this happened to you, but girl...YOU ARE SMART!!! Way to get the burner phone w. her area code and catch him like that! I wish I had thought to do it myself!
 

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It is the right thing to do. Free yourself of him. What is it that you have left to love in him?
Twice in 18 months he has betrayed you. Your Just married! Forget him. You deserve more that that.

You need to expose him to everyone. work. family. everyone. This is for your own protection and the protection of your child. If you just move out he will pull the "wife deserted me for no reason" card. All sorts of bad things can and will happen then.
He is not your friend and he will continue to disrespect you and attempt to bully you. You MUST expose if you are leaving!

Get an email ready. It goes out just Tuesday morning as soon as the you have packed the last thing and you have the keys for the new place in your hand. It does not have to be long or emotional

Dear family friends etc
My H of only 18 months has been cheating on me. Not once, but twice and is continuing it as of now. Myself and D are moving out of our home as of Today and can be contacted

I wouldn't even lock the door behind you.
:iagree:

Out him!

Well... except maybe I would lock the door. Or perhaps glue the f**king key in it, or somesuch... :D
 

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You know that when you tell him why you're leaving him, he is going to try to confuse you.

"I knew it was you the whole time! I was just playing with you to see how far you'd go with the game. C'mon honey it was a joke"
 

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BetrayedWife~

I'm so sorry this is happening. I want to encourage you that I do think the choice you're making is the right one. Even in the bible we are told that the one exception for which it is moral to divorce is adultery, and in your young marriage you've already had 3!! That's just unspeakable, really. Anyway, it's my understanding that in the case of adultery, the loyal spouse can "make the call" and it sounds to me as if a decision has been reached.

I do, however, agree with ing about sending an email or a notification of some kind. See, normally for people who are trying to stop an affair and reconcile their marriage, I do recommend that they #1 gather evidence to convince themselves something really is going on, #2 confront their spouse and ask them to stop, #3 disclose it to a mentor, and then #4 expose it to those who are going to be affected if there is a divorce. The reason I suggest those steps is because the long-term goal is to break up the affair and have the folks that mean the most to the disloyal spouse encourage them to end it!! Also exposure can go a long way in stopping the tales they can weave to justify their affair! I mean let's be honest--most disloyals will tell their family that you were abusive (in some way) and then string together 3 incidents over the course of 20 years as their "proof."

In this instance, it doesn't sound like you want to reconcile the marriage, nor is your goal necessarily to break up the affair. I'm sure you wouldn't mind, but you know what I mean. ;) However, once you do move out, you can bet your bippy he'll play the "she abandoned me for no reason" card to justify what a horrible person you are. Thus, I agree with ing that it would be wise to send a factual, brief email/note to your parents, his parents, your siblings, his siblings, life-long friends if you got 'em, pastor or spiritual leader...those involved. I even like the way he worded it:

Dear family, friends etc
My H of only 18 months has been cheating on me, not once, but twice, and he is continuing it as of now. Myself and D are moving out of our home as of <date> and can be contacted at <new contact info>
I would not necessarily contact all his co-workers or all your co-workers as that's just scorched-earth revenge. However it may be wise to contact your employer so they know why if your productivity falls or you need personal time. Likewise it may be wise to contact his HR and let them know he's using a work phone to carry on an affair...as most employers do not take usage of work resources too well.

If it is at all possible, I would STRONGLY recommend printing off any texts or chats that you have for documentation. I'd especially recommend capturing the texts using the work phone for legal reasons (you'd have proof that what you said was true). I'd strongly recommend making more than one copy, and placing one copy in a secure place away from home....like a lockbox at that bank or a safe at work. Further, if you do tell people like his family, they may need "proof" that he was cheating before they believe you. Finally, it may prove to support your case in any legal battle or in annulling our marriage.

Again, I am SO SORRY you have to be here, but I'm glad we are at least here to help and encourage you.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I really appreciate all of your support. I am physically ill about all of this today. I love him so much. The day we married was the happiest day of my life. I just can't believe he has done this to me. I have to take control back for my sanity. I have to take my power back so he can't hurt me anymore. I would love to believe that he could be true to me but he just proved that he won't. I am in such a bad place emotionally and I have to pretend that everything is ok for the next three days. It is almost unbearable.
 

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I really appreciate all of your support. I am physically ill about all of this today. I love him so much. The day we married was the happiest day of my life. I just can't believe he has done this to me. I have to take control back for my sanity. I have to take my power back so he can't hurt me anymore. I would love to believe that he could be true to me but he just proved that he won't. I am in such a bad place emotionally and I have to pretend that everything is ok for the next three days. It is almost unbearable.
I'm wishing you the peace you seek for the decision you've made.
You ARE doing the right thing by leaving & protecting yourself & your daughter.
Your husband made the choice to cheat, nothing you did or didn't do is the cause of his deceit.
Take care of yourself & your daughter, reach out to someone close to you so that you have some kind of emotional support to get you through the coming days.
 

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I really appreciate all of your support. I am physically ill about all of this today. I love him so much. The day we married was the happiest day of my life. I just can't believe he has done this to me. I have to take control back for my sanity. I have to take my power back so he can't hurt me anymore. I would love to believe that he could be true to me but he just proved that he won't. I am in such a bad place emotionally and I have to pretend that everything is ok for the next three days. It is almost unbearable.
I know this is tremendously painful. I know it seems like your heart is so deeply wounded that you'll never recover.

He was false to you in more ways than one. He showed you his 'good side' and led you to believe he was one sort of person. That is who you fell in love with.

But he had another side. He kept that entirely hidden from you. He spent a tremendous amount of effort sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings with this other person. He shut you off from that part of him.

So I know you think you love him, and that is sort of true. But you only love the part he shared with you. He denied you the ability to know him fully. That is because he has some serious problems inside of him, problems that he is going to have to someday wrestle to the ground if he ever wants to live as a full, authentic human being. But HE has to want to change in order for that to happen. Unfortunately, he's made his choices crystal clear.

It's okay to mourn the loss of a dream. It's okay to be tremendously sad that this man is so broken, and so selfish, that he cannot be trusted to be a life partner to you. You owe it to your daughter to get the heck away from someone who is so selfish and untrustworthy. But it's okay to mourn for the person you thought that he was--but that he is not.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
My parents and sister know everything. I told them today. They say he deserves nothing. My parents are coming to help me move Tuesday. My oldest son, 20 yrs, knows too and will help me move. I'm going to have to get into some type of therapy after this. I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago. My whole outlook on life has changed. I trust no one.
 

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My parents and sister know everything. I told them today. They say he deserves nothing. My parents are coming to help me move Tuesday. My oldest son, 20 yrs, knows too and will help me move. I'm going to have to get into some type of therapy after this. I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago. My whole outlook on life has changed. I trust no one.
Not trusting people is not such a bad thing. It should be earned. Not freely given. I know you are in terrible, heart wrenching pain which seems like it will never end. I and others here know how you feel because we have been there. The next few days will be unbearable but it is fantastic that you have shared this with your family and they are pitching in. It is now time to call in any favors you have. This is the rainy day.

The actions you are taking and have taken so far although incredibly painful are the right ones for you and your daughter.

Your H does not deserve your love. he does not love you. His actions speak loud and clear.

There are many, many many men out in the world who will value you for who you are. They will value your strength and your vulnerabilty, They will value,, above all, your integrity because that is what shines through in your posts.

There is no rush to look again.

Concentrate on you and your daughter. Feel free to post as often as you want , there are people here who understand.

Please, look after yourself physically over the next few months. The next few days you can pretend it is all okay. Just a few days now and your life will begin to improve. Slowly, incrementally and painfully. But improve it will.
 

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I feel you and sincerely hope you see happy days soon.You are better off alone than being with a creep!!!!

And I must say 1 thing,the way you caught him was awsome;do not tell him anything;I do not want him playing mind games with you and trying to fool you(for I believe he is well aware that you cared so much for him);but perhaps he is not aware that you were in love with and cared for a man who is honest and not this all-time dishonest person;

do not trust him again;just start a frsh life,,it wil be good and happy for you again.
 

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and however hurt we are because of a cheating person ;but why should it chnage your outlook towards life;its a mix of good and bad people; you did not cheat on him ,you are honest and hence you make the world too and not creeps like him alone;
 
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