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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,
I am not sure that I posted before about this situation. I have been married for nearly 43 years and my husband is an alcoholic. He is what I would call at one time a functional one. He worked for 52 years and was very successful and respected in his field. He retired 2 years ago and has ramped up his drinking, his Ambien use and his depression. He also has some health issues that he will not address, he does not want me to be involved with his Dr. He does have an appointment next month and is refusing to go if I go along. He is overweight, and has very bad sinus issues, prostate issues, his ankles are swollen and feet are numb, his Mother passed away 3 years ago with Parkinsons and maybe he could be in the beginning stages of it, Plus his drinking and lying about his usage He hides it and denies that he over did it. Lately, he is getting worse, he gets drunk so bad that he is useless most of the next day. He adds 1/2 Ambien too and thinks it is perfectly fine.

Last weekend he drove to the grocery, and was drunk. I didn't know it since I was gone for just a few minutes came back home, and the car was gone. I called and called, and finally got him, he was very drunk, had no clue where he was, I was crying and yelling to stop the car, and I would ome and pick him up. I think I made a mistake I should have called the police and had him sent to jail, kicker is, he said he wasn't drunk. I am not making any excuse for that behavior. None.

He came home, thank God. I took his keys and left for 2 days. Our grown sons are aware and they both called him to discuss this issue, he denied, but then opened up to them telling them way way more than he ever tells me. He admitted he hides alcohol from me.

I am seriously thinking of leaving, I am 8 years younger, I am very active and he brings me down. I can't help a person who will not help himself. He needs serious mental, physical help. He is also very very stubborn and I am sure he will refuse any sort of help (AA, therapist etc) I recently started Alanon and know that the program is to help me. I have hidden this from friends and family through the years, although I am sure many have figured it out.

I am thinking even to just leave, get my plans together since this is no life. Oh he is also a hoarder, in certain rooms, office area, garage that can't be used, other rooms that are full of his stuff. He knows that this is something that I cannot deal with, I have put up with that for years too, this who situation is just not healthy.

Thanks for listening. take care.
 

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I’m sorry you are going through this. Absent effort on his part I wouldn’t expect anything to get better. You should ask yourself if you’d be willing to stay and work on things if he made an effort? I’d express it to him that way (when he is sober) if that’s the case. If you’re not willing, there’s really no point in prolonging things. He is a danger to himself, to others and maybe to you too. That has to stop. Also, you need to demand to know his medical status. That’s a minimum.

You are younger and it sounds like you’re active, you have a life to live . In a marriage, we are all responsible to be a contributing partner. It sounds like he isn’t. The question is, can he be?
 

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I have a lot of experience with alcoholics, and I agree with him that any attempt to come along to doctor’s appointments, offer advice, question, give ultimatums just pushes them further into the bottle. They simply know what they’re doing and don’t want anyone helping them or pushing them.

We’d all probably like to eat loads of donuts each day, but some of us don’t want tight pants, health problems and so on, right?

But some of us will eat them all the time and to hell with the consequences. And when the inspector says, ‘don’t eat that, go to the doctor, how many did you eat today, yesterday?’ What will we do? Hide, eat more and on it goes.

You’re not to blame, and you can’t fix it. So please just focus on yourself and whatever good things you have. Eliminate any guilt you might have or ideas that you could have done something to stop it, make it better and so on.

Keep being active, stop monitoring his addictions. Unless of course he actually has made his own decision and comes to you and explicitly says, ‘help me, I don’t want to be like this anymore and I need you do to A, B, C.

What I’m saying is probably not going to make your situation better, I know what it’s like watching people dig their own hole. I decided I didn’t care much for dirt and shovels, there were other things I liked better.
 

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He needs to come to his own decisions to change things. No one can force it on him. It sounds like you have discussed this with him to death already, and that hasn't been enough incentive for him to change. I suggest you leave him. Tell him you can't live like this anymore, no matter how much you love him. But if he wants to change, you'll help him. Maybe that will be the last hit that puts him at rock bottom.
 

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You can't fix him. Leave. Maybe he will realise how bad the situation is. But he might not and drink himself to death instead. Very tough situation. Remember that alcoholism is an illness. He can't help it. Somehow, he needs to find the strength in himself. That's why leaving might kick start this process.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hi everyone,
I am not sure that I posted before about this situation. I have been married for nearly 43 years and my husband is an alcoholic. He is what I would call at one time a functional one. He worked for 52 years and was very successful and respected in his field. He retired 2 years ago and has ramped up his drinking, his Ambien use and his depression. He also has some health issues that he will not address, he does not want me to be involved with his Dr. He does have an appointment next month and is refusing to go if I go along. He is overweight, and has very bad sinus issues, prostate issues, his ankles are swollen and feet are numb, his Mother passed away 3 years ago with Parkinsons and maybe he could be in the beginning stages of it, Plus his drinking and lying about his usage He hides it and denies that he over did it. Lately, he is getting worse, he gets drunk so bad that he is useless most of the next day. He adds 1/2 Ambien too and thinks it is perfectly fine.

Last weekend he drove to the grocery, and was drunk. I didn't know it since I was gone for just a few minutes came back home, and the car was gone. I called and called, and finally got him, he was very drunk, had no clue where he was, I was crying and yelling to stop the car, and I would ome and pick him up. I think I made a mistake I should have called the police and had him sent to jail, kicker is, he said he wasn't drunk. I am not making any excuse for that behavior. None.

He came home, thank God. I took his keys and left for 2 days. Our grown sons are aware and they both called him to discuss this issue, he denied, but then opened up to them telling them way way more than he ever tells me. He admitted he hides alcohol from me.

I am seriously thinking of leaving, I am 8 years younger, I am very active and he brings me down. I can't help a person who will not help himself. He needs serious mental, physical help. He is also very very stubborn and I am sure he will refuse any sort of help (AA, therapist etc) I recently started Alanon and know that the program is to help me. I have hidden this from friends and family through the years, although I am sure many have figured it out.

I am thinking even to just leave, get my plans together since this is no life. Oh he is also a hoarder, in certain rooms, office area, garage that can't be used, other rooms that are full of his stuff. He knows that this is something that I cannot deal with, I have put up with that for years too, this who situation is just not healthy.

Thanks for listening. take care.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
HI all, I really appreciate all your posts and thoughts. I have been trying my hardest to talk genty to him, explaining that our grown sons are worried (they tell him as well) that it is wrong to shut me out at his Dr. appointment, that I know something is physically wrong with him, along with his drinking (which he needs some counseling or help for sure. He disagrees, and then just sits and sulks about it.

I know from experience that this will happen again, He will drink again. But today when he is acting very normal and says he cut down I do not believe him. I know that I scared him again that I am not going to put up with this, that my life needs some peace, and it isn't fair that I have worry about him driving and drinking to oblivion Part of me doesn't understand th Alanon approach, I need to give it a chance. Yesterday, like always, I did things alone. I walked 4 miles (which I try to do 3-4 times a week, talked to his sisters who know this situation. One sister tells me to just leave again, scare him again, and take time to rethink things. Another sister, who dealt with he ex husband, drinking, doing drugs, cheating on her, and physically abusing her told me to get out She knows him, his temper with yelling hoarding and generally not taking care of himself, being selfish etc. I have an idea that I believe I am going to do. IF I am not allowed to go with him to his appointment in May, and he does not follow the Drs orders, I am going to go. I have sons in different parts of the country who think it is a tergood idea as well. Luckily I can afford to do so. I inherited a pretty large sum of money last year when both parents died and could use it to purchase a home, I also believe and he has always said he would not fight me, easily settle the divorce and I would be entitled to more money, which would be sufficient to live on, buy a home, plus I get Social Security. I have always wanted to live near a beach, of course not on the beach (didn't get that much) but close enough to get there, I am very interested in northern Florida, Ameila Island, Fernandina Beach area. I am really considering a trip there next month after his appointments, I will check on him, see how he is doing physically and his drinking. I believe I have given him more than many chances to straighten up. I can do it alone, I am not in any way to drive alone, stay alone at a hotel, take my time to find a place and get the hell out of this mess. Like I mentioned, I am 8 years younger, have totally different interests, very active socially and physically. I need a life, I need happiness, and peace in the rest of my years.. I really do appreciate your posts and will hope to hear from you all again.. Take care of yourself..
 

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I am a sober (dry) alcoholic. I simply want to echo what has been said, that is unless HE wants to change and take on the battle of his addiction daily, you can do little to affect him and push him toward sobriety. This is a daily struggle and one that often requires taking on a new and healthier addiction or distraction. For me, this has meant working out five sometimes six times a week and being consciously aware of my addiction. Even when I go to see a physician or dentist, I always remind them not to prescribe anything with possible addictive side effects. It also meant getting new friends and acquaintances and the support of family and new friends. So, you can support him if he chooses to change and that is about it.

But, you can do very little to move him to sobriety. So, unless you can live with his addiction, you may want to seriously consider a life without him.

Speaking as an alcoholic.
 

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I am seriously thinking of leaving, I am 8 years younger, I am very active and he brings me down. I can't help a person who will not help himself.
It's either leave or wait for the alcohol and Ambien to kill him. Assuming a drunk driving accident doesn't do it first.

Speaking of, talk to some lawyers. If he gets into a drunk driving accident and gets sued how safe are your assets? It might be in your best interest to legally separate sooner than later. The only reason he's not in jail and you're not dealing with bondsmen, lawyers retainers, and an impending civil lawsuit from his super market trip is pure luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I may bep po
I am a sober (dry) alcoholic. I simply want to echo what has been said, that is unless HE wants to change and take on the battle of his addiction daily, you can do little to affect him and push him toward sobriety. This is a daily struggle and one that often requires taking on a new and healthier addiction or distraction. For me, this has meant working out five sometimes six times a week and being consciously aware of my addiction. Even when I go to see a physician or dentist, I always remind them not to prescribe anything with possible addictive side effects. It also meant getting new friends and acquaintances and the support of family and new friends. So, you can support him if he chooses to change and that is about it.

But, you can do very little to move him to sobriety. So, unless you can live with his addiction, you may want to seriously consider a life without him.

Speaking as an alcoholic.
thank you and good congratulations with your sobriety. Our oldest son is an alcoholic (he had issues with his father, who was tough on him, they battled with each other, and as a teen and in his early to mid 20's, he turned to alcohol and drugs. He is a smart young man who had a bright future and eventually after much much much counseling, treatment,rehab and friends and family, he is now sober for 15 years. He is very involved with AA, sponsers 3, has a great sponsor, is married with 2 beautiful girls, is a teacher to gifted high schoolers ,but as you mentioned it, it hasn't been easy for him.

I appreciate it much and the sad part is, I know it isn't over, he will drink again, he will drive again drunk, he will not allow me to be a part of his health issues, but I will be the one who takes care of him eventually. I am working on my game plan (now isn't that sad?) but I am prepared to do what it best for me and will not tolerate it again. Best to you!
 

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I'd suggest you consider posting your situation on the Sober Recovery website in the forum there titled "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." Lots of insight and recovery there, especially from double winners - attend Al-Anon and A.A. I was married to an alcoholic. In all honesty, you should just leave. Let him live with the consequences of his addiction. I assure you, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him see the light. Believe me, I lived with it for too long.
 

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@BNA2020 You can't save your husband, but you can save yourself and other people, too.

Report his drunk driving to the authorities and get his licence pulled or suspended to try to keep him off the roads.

You need to see a lawyer to protect your assets from his drunken/drugged behaviour and to start the process of legal separation from him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I'd suggest you consider posting your situation on the Sober Recovery website in the forum there titled "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." Lots of insight and recovery there, especially from double winners - attend Al-Anon and A.A. I was married to an alcoholic. In all honesty, you should just leave. Let him live with the consequences of his addiction. I assure you, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him see the light. Believe me, I lived with it for too long.
Thank you for giving me advice on the other website. I will definitely check it out. And yes, I know he will not quit without some help. I will detail other issues he has on that page. Thanks again.

And I love your quote on the bottom!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
HI! Thanks for recommending the foru "Friends and Family of Alcoholics. For some reason I can't seem to be able to find it. I am new to the forum life, and it should be easy to find, any advice would be greatly appeciated!
Thanks!
 

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Listen, I really don't want to rain on your parade. I've lived it, and I know how crazy-making and frustrating it is when dealing with an A.

I know he will not quit without some help.
Sadly, he'll need a lot more than some help. Sounds like he's pretty far gone. If he drives drunk again and you know it, YES call the police. They'll toss him in jail for 24 hours. Don't enable. Don't bother. But please be aware if you stay and detach more, he's going to ramp up the bad behavior. A's love to bait others into the insanity.

My husband was found dead in January 2015 in Omaha. I walked into the apartment where he spent the final nine weeks of his life. What I saw was horrific. I had walked out on the marriage because I had to save myself. Give serious consideration to that. You can't save him, but you can save yourself. You deserve a sane life. You will never have it with an active A.

ETA: Go to the Sober Recovery website. I believe at the top of the site you will see "Forums." Once you get to the forums you'll find "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" on there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Listen, I really don't want to rain on your parade. I've lived it, and I know how crazy-making and frustrating it is when dealing with an A.



Sadly, he'll need a lot more than some help. Sounds like he's pretty far gone. If he drives drunk again and you know it, YES call the police. They'll toss him in jail for 24 hours. Don't enable. Don't bother. But please be aware if you stay and detach more, he's going to ramp up the bad behavior. A's love to bait others into the insanity.

My husband was found dead in January 2015 in Omaha. I walked into the apartment where he spent the final nine weeks of his life. What I saw was horrific. I had walked out on the marriage because I had to save myself. Give serious consideration to that. You can't save him, but you can save yourself. You deserve a sane life. You will never have it with an active A.

ETA: Go to the Sober Recovery website. I believe at the top of the site you will see "Forums." Once you get there, you'll find "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" about on there.
Listen, I really don't want to rain on your parade. I've lived it, and I know how crazy-making and frustrating it is when dealing with an A.



Sadly, he'll need a lot more than some help. Sounds like he's pretty far gone. If he drives drunk again and you know it, YES call the police. They'll toss him in jail for 24 hours. Don't enable. Don't bother. But please be aware if you stay and detach more, he's going to ramp up the bad behavior. A's love to bait others into the insanity.

My husband was found dead in January 2015 in Omaha. I walked into the apartment where he spent the final nine weeks of his life. What I saw was horrific. I had walked out on the marriage because I had to save myself. Give serious consideration to that. You can't save him, but you can save yourself. You deserve a sane life. You will never have it with an active A.

ETA: Go to the Sober Recovery website. I believe at the top of the site you will see "Forums." Once you get there, you'll find "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" about on there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
thank for your instructions on how to get to that forum. I am so sorry that you had to experience that with your husband. Mine, with his health issues, along with his drinking, and Ambien, it is a matter of time with him. He will not let me in with his issues on health and denies being an alcoholic. I know if I do stay I will be the one who takes care of him, I knew that when I married him that he was older and it would be my place as a wife to take care of him. But knowing he sped up his needing me, makes me angry, sad and I am not sure I can. We just talked a little about him shutting our family out of his issues and that we all want to be there for him, but if he will not let us in, can't do much more. I have plans in place, even though it will be hard in ways to go, never thought this would be the way a 43 year marriage would end. I will check out the page and thank you again!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
It's either leave or wait for the alcohol and Ambien to kill him. Assuming a drunk driving accident doesn't do it first.

Speaking of, talk to some lawyers. If he gets into a drunk driving accident and gets sued how safe are your assets? It might be in your best interest to legally separate sooner than later. The only reason he's not in jail and you're not dealing with bondsmen, lawyers retainers, and an impending civil lawsuit from his super market trip is pure luck.
Thank you for giving me advice on the other website. I will definitely check it out. And yes, I know he will not quit without some help. I will detail other issues he has on that page. Thanks again.

And I love your quote on the bottom!

HI Prodigal~ I am checing out the site mentioned above. I am going to post the latest incident.

Hi all again.. Boy, I do not know what I would do without this group. I will not get into the timeline of my life with an alcoholic, 43 years, he has health issues, drinks and lies and hides his alcohol. takes Ambien and drinks 2 beers a night (he says) and has been lying about drinking Vodka. Well I found a bottle earlier this week empty in his stupid hiding place. This morning I found another bottle mostly gone, except enough for 2 stiff drinks, well when I came home, both bottles were gone, thrown out, so obviously he finished off the remainder of the other one. I confronted him, which I know might not be the best way to handle this, but I can't handle being lied to, the hiding and denying his alcoholism. I also have been shut down on his going to his Dr. for a check up next month, no way in hell can I go in with him.. I said how unfair and I wish I could drop it. I can't. I dealt with many many health issues of my parents, lost them both in less than a year. Have my own health issues that he has always been included in. Why?? I do not get it. I know some have told me to let it be. Let him go, do his thing, and not to worry, but I can't. I would be the one who will take care of him one day, he is already nearly 71 and I am much younger, am active, and if this does not change, this is not the life I want to live out. I know I messed up bringing it up again tonight, the hidden bottles, which he will now just hide somewhere else, the Drs. appointment which I can't wrap my head around. He hasn't always been a heavy drinker, always depended on it of course, is well respected in his field (retired now) we are very comfortable in our life and he would be fair to me if I do leave this situation. I guess in your gut you know when it is time to go... We shall see. It is a never ending story here. thanks all and I mentioned this would be a short post. I guess I can't do that :)
 
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