Husband is addicted

5281 Views 69 Replies 28 Participants Last post by Justsurviving85, Jan 21, 2022

Married&confused15

Discussion Starter · Jan 14, 2022

We have been together for 7 years and married for 6 years in the beginning when he would be the big bad biker guy it was sexy in the bedroom. But now that we have two daughters and he wants me to dress in see through and micro mini skirts in front of them I just can’t do that. I take pictures for him and him only (naked) and pics of us together then two years ago I find him on a swingers site trying to set us up and sharing my pictures with strange men. He said he was sorry and that he would quit. Of course I find it again a year later. This time he is pretending to be me and getting videos of men jacking off to my photos. When I confront him he just says that he likes the way men respond to my photos it makes him feel more like a man. I told him it makes me feel violated. He swore to me he would never do it again. Granted on there he hasn’t that I know of but now I find out he is sharing photos of me and videos and getting some in return from his friends and their wife for the past two years along with offer me up to have sex with his friend!!!!! When I confronted him he just said it’s because his friend and his friends wife are going through some things and his friend hasn’t been laid in over a year I told him I don’t care!!!!!! Of course this just happened. On another page if I don’t have sex with him daily or allow him to rub on me in my intimate parts even in front of the kids continuously then I get the guilt trips or he gets angry or the continuously jacking off 4-5 times a day. What do I do???

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CatholicDad

· #41 · Jan 14, 2022

Sounds like hubby has completely bought into the lie of porn and sounds like he may have uploaded videos of you to some porn sites. Perhaps he’s even profiting from it.

I’d take a few days and perhaps even hire a private investigator (with serious computer skills) that can figure out how far this actually goes. Who knows, you could be a popular amateur porn star and not even know it. I’m so sorry sister. This is certainly grounds for an annulment. Stay safe- he sounds mentally ill and dangerous.

rugswept

· #42 · Jan 14, 2022

I stopped reading not that far into it. That is way beyond a violation. It runs so deep.
It's time to get as far away from this whole thing as possible. This man sees you as sex trade bait. It was so piggish and disgusting (what he had done) that I stopped reading.

Please, for you, get as far away from this as possible, don't look back. Don't keep looking for there is only more filth and sticky goo that you don't need.

ETA: explain to your D attorney whatever he wants to know from what you told us. Then proceed to the financial papers and get a good idea of what that looks like.
This is now down to dissolution of a very bad business deal and whatever that brings with it. Just do it. OUT.

badsanta

· #43 · Jan 14, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
So what do I do?

At a bare minimum you need marriage counseling.

A18S37K14H18

· #44 · Jan 14, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
So what do I do?

Hmm... what you do is set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries.

Honestly, you should already have been gone, but you're still there so let's not talk about the past anymore.

You tell him not to do this and he does it. You find out he's done it again and again and you're still with him.

What does that tell him? It tells him that he may keep doing this because you're not going to leave him.

I can't believe how much he's disrespected you.

Look, it's not your fault your so called husband is this way, that's completely on him.

That you're still with a so called man like this is on you though.

OP, think of this way.

Why should your husband stop doing this? I get it, because it's wrong, it's despicable etc. But, he doesn't care about that obviously.

Really, from his point of view, considering he's done this over and over, WHY should he stop?

To this point, he knows you won't do anything. You'll huff and you'll puff and then it will blow over.

He's good with that, obviously as that's what has been happening.

It's up to you to make, create some sort of consequence for him.

Maybe call an attorney or the cops to see what could be done to him, arrest him or something. Revenge porn, I don't know really, tis why I'm saying to call an attorney.

But, that's if you want to try and stay with this man.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be gone.

So, when you ask what can you do.

You need to create consequences for him, REAL ones, up to and including divorcing him honestly.

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Rus47

· #45 · Jan 14, 2022

A18S37K14H18 said:
Maybe call an attorney or the cops to see what could be done to him, arrest him or something.

i cant tell you how many cases on just our local news where doing what you suggest has resulted in MAJOR escalation by the perpetrator.

IMO that is a very bad idea. OP surely knows how much violence her bad boy is capable of. Besides threatening his creds with his gang friends from her not performing porn on command, she is now going to have him arrested??!! Do you have any idea how long person arrested for even murder stays locked up before bonding out? They often are back on the street seeking revenge before cops finish their paperwork.

Married&confused15

Discussion Starter · #46 · Jan 14, 2022

I want to thank everyone for your advice but I also want to make something real clear. When I met my husband he was a very kind gentle man he only played the bad boy image in the bedroom with me. Never showed it outside until after we got married. Otherwise there would have never had been a wedding once we were married all of a sudden within 6 months we had full custody of his kids and he did a 360. I had no idea what was going on. When I brought it to his attention he would stop and go back to the man I fell in love with and then a year later BAM again I would have to say something. I didn’t find out about all this stuff where his friends are concerned until 12/2021 when my brother died and come to find out he has been doing it for more than 2 years. I am still grieving the loss of my brother hince me coming her instead of going to the only person I could turn to which was MY BROTHER. I am a little lost and I know I could do the lawyer thing just a little afraid of what might happen when I am also taking care of my sick mother.

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Married&confused15

Discussion Starter · #47 · Jan 14, 2022

badsanta said:
At a bare minimum you need marriage counseling.

I have suggested that with him and well he said he won’t see a quack with a fake doctorate.

Talker67

· #48 · Jan 14, 2022 (Edited)

Married&confused15 said:
We have been together for 7 years and married for 6 years in the beginning when he would be the big bad biker guy it was sexy in the bedroom. But now that we have two daughters and he wants me to dress in see through and micro mini skirts in front of them I just can’t do that. I take pictures for him and him only (naked) and pics of us together then two years ago I find him on a swingers site trying to set us up and sharing my pictures with strange men. He said he was sorry and that he would quit. Of course I find it again a year later. This time he is pretending to be me and getting videos of men jacking off to my photos. When I confront him he just says that he likes the way men respond to my photos it makes him feel more like a man. I told him it makes me feel violated. He swore to me he would never do it again. Granted on there he hasn’t that I know of but now I find out he is sharing photos of me and videos and getting some in return from his friends and their wife for the past two years along with offer me up to have sex with his friend!!!!! When I confronted him he just said it’s because his friend and his friends wife are going through some things and his friend hasn’t been laid in over a year I told him I don’t care!!!!!! Of course this just happened. On another page if I don’t have sex with him daily or allow him to rub on me in my intimate parts even in front of the kids continuously then I get the guilt trips or he gets angry or the continuously jacking off 4-5 times a day. What do I do???

addicted?
not necessarily.
you two had a very sexy, maybe pushing the edge, marriage.
then the kids came. Did you think that thru? Birth Control was available, for instance (or were they his kids from a former marriage?)

He is horny, and wants more of what he married you for. so you had better figure out how to satisfy him.
You really can not say "we can not have sex anymore because we have kids now!". that was never part of the marriage agreement.

that being said, i do not know many sexual sites where they are ok with one person uploading photos and videos without the person being filmed's permission! It is just unethical bad form on his part.

there are others on TAM that have direct experience with swinging and swinger websites. I will let them chime in. but i bet they will say the swinging does not work at all unless both parties want it.

So...what can you do to up your sexuality with hubby, without swinging or putting on a show for the kids. A good bedroom door lock would be smart. Can you drop the kids off with your mom and dad once in a while for a weekend of wild sex at home?

and i am 100% with your hubby on this one....when i come home from a long day's work, i want to see my wife in a sexy skirt and top. If you get all dressed up to go to work, then put sweat pants on at night when he sees you....that is simply not going to work!! rethink that priority order, you are trying to impress your husband, not strangers at work or during the day

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TXTrini

· #49 · Jan 14, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
I have suggested that with him and well he said he won’t see a quack with a fake doctorate.

Honesty, I think the very least you can do is divorce him and GTFO!

He sounds like a freak who played nice, wrapped you around his finger and worked you over so it would be hard to leave. Please love yourself enough to help yourself, there's absolutely nothing to work with here.

Reactions: 2

Married&confused15

Discussion Starter · #50 · Jan 14, 2022

Talker67 said:
addicted?
not necessarily.
you two had a very sexy, maybe pushing the edge, marriage.
then the kids came. Did you think that thru? Birth Control was available, for instance (or were they his kids from a former marriage?)

He is horny, and wants more of what he married you for. so you had better figure out how to satisfy him.
You really can not say "we can not have sex anymore because we have kids now!". that was never part of the marriage agreement.

that being said, i do not know many sexual sites where they are ok with one person uploading photos and videos without the person being filmed's permission! It is just unethical bad form on his part.

there are others on TAM that have direct experience with swinging and swinger websites. I will let them chime in. but i bet they will say the swinging does not work at all unless both parties want it.

So...what can you do to up your sexuality with hubby, without swinging or putting on a show for the kids. A good bedroom door lock would be smart. Can you drop the kids off with your mom and dad once in a while for a weekend of wild sex at home?

and i am 100% with your hubby on this one....when i come home from a long day's work, i want to see my wife in a sexy skirt and top. If you get all dressed up to go to work, then put sweat pants on at night when he sees you....that is simply not going to work!! rethink that priority order, you are trying to impress your husband, not strangers at work or during the day

I can agree with being sexual with him and him only! When he forces me or manipulates me to have sex instead of being sexual himself it’s not very inviting. I did say before that role playing is not something I am against but I don’t want to hear how he wants this person or that person to do this or that to me while I am trying to have a good night with my husband. Impressing him with different outfits is not an issue I do that all the time it’s when he gets to rough or still tries to set me up with his friends without my knowledge and sending them my pictures

Married&confused15

Discussion Starter · #51 · Jan 14, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
I can agree with being sexual with him and him only! When he forces me or manipulates me to have sex instead of being sexual himself it’s not very inviting. I did say before that role playing is not something I am against but I don’t want to hear how he wants this person or that person to do this or that to me while I am trying to have a good night with my husband. Impressing him with different outfits is not an issue I do that all the time it’s when he gets to rough or still tries to set me up with his friends without my knowledge and sending them my pictures

I guess I forgot to say he is retired so he doesn’t work I do. So when I come home from working 16 hours a day I like to relax

Reactions: 1

TXTrini

· #52 · Jan 14, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
I can agree with being sexual with him and him only! When he forces me or manipulates me to have sex instead of being sexual himself it’s not very inviting. I did say before that role playing is not something I am against but I don’t want to hear how he wants this person or that person to do this or that to me while I am trying to have a good night with my husband. Impressing him with different outfits is not an issue I do that all the time it’s when he gets to rough or still tries to set me up with his friends without my knowledge and sending them my pictures

Don't bother to argue with him, he obviously didn't read your situation well enough before he mouthed off. Your situation is quite frankly disgusting and terrifying.

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ccpowerslave

· #53 · Jan 14, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
So when I come home from working 16 hours a day I like to relax

Damn. So I haven’t worked 16 hours in one day in many years but I’m a bit of a freak so I’d still want to have sex.

Diana7

· #54 · Jan 14, 2022

DownByTheRiver said:
You need to leave him and take the kids with you. What he's doing in front of the kids is awful. You should report him to child Protective services and they can get the ball rolling. He's abusive. Putting your photos on the internet without your permission is illegal. They're all over it now. They will likely affect your employment sometime in the future. Your kids are in danger from this. Get the hell out and get custody of your kids. CPS will see to it.

I believe they are his children.

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DownByTheRiver

· #55 · Jan 14, 2022

Diana7 said:
I believe they are his children.

I bet she could still get custody or else if the mother is okay she could. Either way he needs to be reported to CPS.

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MJJEAN

· #56 · Jan 14, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
Why would I leave my home that I have built. Why can’t I make him leave with his children?

You can. You get a lawyer and file for divorce.

Married&confused15 said:
Their mother was physically abusive to them this is how he received custody. Of course I am attached to them, I just lost my brother which would have been the person I would have ran to and two days after loosing him is when I find out about the stuff with the friend. I also have my disabled mother living with me trying not to uproot her. I don’t trust my husband and I know that he has a tracker on my phone he says it’s because I have a seizure disorder but I don’t believe that. If I were to talk to a lawyer one would have to come to me at work and hopefully my husband wouldn’t show up which he does often

In other words, he's real good at faking it and keeping up appearances to get what he wants...until he isn't.

Lawyers will work with you. Email, text, and video calls are a thing. No excuses.

oldshirt said:
And also, a lot of these things aren't an addiction. It's bad character and bad behaviour.

Exactly! This is NOT an addiction. This is a guy with kinks who behaves badly. That's all. Garden variety skankyness, nothing more.

Reactions: 2

ConanHub

· #57 · Jan 14, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
We have been together for 7 years and married for 6 years in the beginning when he would be the big bad biker guy it was sexy in the bedroom. But now that we have two daughters and he wants me to dress in see through and micro mini skirts in front of them I just can’t do that. I take pictures for him and him only (naked) and pics of us together then two years ago I find him on a swingers site trying to set us up and sharing my pictures with strange men. He said he was sorry and that he would quit. Of course I find it again a year later. This time he is pretending to be me and getting videos of men jacking off to my photos. When I confront him he just says that he likes the way men respond to my photos it makes him feel more like a man. I told him it makes me feel violated. He swore to me he would never do it again. Granted on there he hasn’t that I know of but now I find out he is sharing photos of me and videos and getting some in return from his friends and their wife for the past two years along with offer me up to have sex with his friend!!!!! When I confronted him he just said it’s because his friend and his friends wife are going through some things and his friend hasn’t been laid in over a year I told him I don’t care!!!!!! Of course this just happened. On another page if I don’t have sex with him daily or allow him to rub on me in my intimate parts even in front of the kids continuously then I get the guilt trips or he gets angry or the continuously jacking off 4-5 times a day. What do I do???

Have him committed.

ccpowerslave

· #58 · Jan 14, 2022

ConanHub said:
Have him committed.

Let’s not slander micro mini skirts. With responsible use (in the home) they’re quite alluring.

Reactions: 3

Young at Heart

· #59 · Jan 15, 2022

Blondilocks said:
....He acts like a dog humping legs. Ewww. He needs to get his addiction under control. And, grow the hell up.

The usual way you cure a dog that humps legs is take them to the vet and "get the dog fixed" or neutered.

Unfortunately that is not usually legal or medically ethical.

And yes Ewww is the appropriate response to his behavior.

The OP's husband sounds like he has a lot of problems with healthy social interactions. He obviously, needs a lot of maturing to go through at a husband, a parent, and a member of society. The bad boy biker should have been a real red flag during early dating, but maybe he can agree to some serious individual counseling or therapy.

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Rus47

· #60 · Jan 15, 2022

Married&confused15 said:
When I met my husband he was a very kind gentle man he only played the bad boy image in the bedroom with me. Never showed it outside until after we got married. Otherwise there would have never had been a wedding once we were married all of a sudden within 6 months we had full custody of his kids and he did a 360. I had no idea what was going on.

Ok, so which "persona" is the "real" husband and which is the act? Did he play the kind/gentle man to reel you in and get custody of his kids, or did he play the bad boy as in role-playing? Do you know any of his history before you met him? Has he spent time in the big house?

From your original post the mental picture I had was of a biker dude with all of the trappings and you liked the fast lane. My apologies, because from this post it seems you thought you were getting kind and gentle who could play the bad boy, but instead ended up with the bad boy wanting to hand you off to his buddies and sell you in porn videos.

If he just plays a bad boy but actually doesn't have the real capability, then by all means you need to get an attorney and file for D, stay in your house and kick him out. If he has custody of his girls then assume you have no custody rights at all. When they are old enough, they will have a say in where they live, If he is ACTUALLY a bad dude who is also a con-artist (a real possibility), I would advise extreme caution in how you extricate yourself from this situation. I sincerely hope it is the first situation, but in any case, there isn't anything you want to stay with. Run as fast as you can!

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