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Here is a little background on H and I. We met in college, I was 18 and he was 21. We come from totally different cultures and lifestyles. I was raised in a very strict family, had a stable and very happy life. Kinda grew up in a bubble actually. H came from a family that drinks a lot, infidelity, his mother was abused, his father was deported for selling drugs, blah blah blah. I always saw something good in him from the beginning and new he would be different. We had our ups and downs throughout and after college. At first the drinking and partying was fun, but I assumed we would mature together. I was wrong. I didnt want to accept that I was wrong. We got married and within 5 years had 3 kids. We have a 5 year old, 2 year old and 9 month old. All this time the drinking never stopped on his end. I barely drink these days because for the past 5 years it feels like ive been pregnant or nursing a baby.

H on the other hand drinks almost daily. His idea of a few drinks is a 12 pack. He claims its like water and he has a high tolerance and can drink more than the average person. Once he has a drink, he cannot stop. He drinks until he passes out. And he is an angry drunk. I've spent many, many nights crying myself to sleep while he hovers over me yelling at me and being cruel. He never put his hands on me but I now realize the emotional abuse was just as bad. We would have massive fights, things would be broken, lots of screaming, sometimes the police would come. The next day, he would be so sorry. Promise to stop drinking and be a better man. Then I would wait. Sometimes it would be only days, sometimes weeks, and sometimes months until the next episode. But I always knew it was coming. I lived in fear of what would happen next.

It was always an excuse. "Hard day at work", "my brothers birthday", "football is on", "my friend is in town", blah blah blah. A lot of the times, when he wasn't drinking, he would smoke weed. I felt so alone. Like a single mother. I would try and talk to him but he thought i was just nagging. My friends and family would hear all my stories and tell me it wasnt normal. I never listened.

I should have just left. I always said i would leave, and i never did. he knew my threats were empty. so why would he change. then, i met someone. i met a married neighbor who was also unhappily married. It started as friends and grew to be more. Literally the BIGGEST mistake of my life. I tried to fill the emptiness in my marriage with someone else who had all the qualities i thought i was lacking. Someone who was married. This lasted several months until we realized it was irrational, out of control, selfish, and stupid. We ended the affair and ended up telling our spouses. what happened next?

H always figured i deserved to be treated like sh*t and now he had a reason to. he was so angry he didnt know how to deal with the emotions and he turned to drinking. on christmas eve he went out to run errands and someone came home beligerent. he took a knife, stood on the porch, and waited for the other man. he changed his mind and came inside the house to torture me for what id done. he said i deserved to suffer. he was raging and very scary. i asked him to leave. he refused. he walked back outside to wait for our neighbor. i locked the door in fear of what would happen. he kicked the door in immediately which knocked me to the ground and gave me a large bump on my head. all this while the kids stood there watching. i reached for the phone to call 911. he took it from me. i tried to get my cell phone to call and he took that too. i ran upstairs to try and find another phone. he caught me at the stairs and pinned me down while yelling and threatening me. all while our children watched and cried in fear. i managed to push him off me and run across to a female neighbor with our two oldest kids and i called 911. he was arrested on christmas eve. he is now being charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon. i love him with all my heart. i should have just left. i made the worst decision of my life. now we have both hit rock bottom. im not sure what is going to happen. im now alone with the three kids. my friends and family are in fear for our safety. H was bailed out by his family and he is with them. all because i didnt just leave. i keep asking myself why i made the foolish choices i did. what is wrong with me. its going to take us both a long time to learn from our mistakes. im not sure what will happen with either of us. im hoping this story can help someone to trust their instinct. if you think you need to leave, just leave. do it. let them hit rock bottom. sometimes its the only way. as hard as it may be and as scary as it may be. thanks for listening. i feel better just for venting. feeling so alone these days. feeling very dumb and very alone.
 

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I know you say you love him with all your heart, but I think its possible you are in love with the idea of who you had hoped he would become if he had ever stopped drinking. I don't know to many people who would continually feel genuine love for a person who treats them the way he has treated you, sorry.

My suggestion for you is, if you feel threatened or scared, get a restraining order if you don't already have one. Call a lawyer and a counselor. Those are your two main people you need to be dealing with right now. Talk to them both and tell them what you told us here. They can help better guide you with what you need to do.

Its time to think of yourself and kids right now and what is best for you all. There is no time to blame yourself about not leaving sooner, you are where you are now so you go from there. If he is the type who will come crawling back saying he is sorry and beg you to take him back, if I were you I wouldn't fall for that trap right now, because that is what that is, a trap. Things are to fresh and he is not sorry at this point. Maybe he will be sorry some day, after he has gotten his life together and has been sober for a long time, but not anytime in the near future.

If you have friends and family you can lean on right now, do so, you need support. Also after you have talked some with a lawyer and counselor you might want to start seeking out a local Alanon group in your area and start to attends those as well, but first things first.
 
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Holy crap! :slap: Stop second guessing all this and feeling sorry for yourself and start thinking about your kids and ditch this loser. Get yourself out of the house with the kids. Go stay with your parents. If they won't help you, then go to a battered woman's shelter. Contact social services and get a restraining order slapped on your H. Then check into Al-anon and start getting yourself acquainted with how alcoholics work. There's no helping this man. You need to help yourself and your kids. Forget him.

You went and had THREE KIDS with this man. Party time is over and it's time to grow up and act like a mother and put your kids first. How you can say you love this monster with all your heart is beyond belief. Even if you do, that doesn't matter. All that matters now are your kids.

Time to get real and start living in the real world. Think of what your kids are going through! :(
 
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I would also add that you should get a protective order. One of the things I learned, having gotten one, is that no matter how healthy you start out, there is no reasoning or working as a "team" with an addict. They are out of control and controlled by their addiction, but spouses often get the accusations. And you start to succumb to yelling or other unhealthy ways of dealing with situations, because the healthy ones are closed off. That piece of paper, itself, can't protect you, but it can help YOU to keep away from someone who is not healthy for you in any way, shape or form, as long as they are actively addicted and in denial. I would also suggest getting copies of ALL police reports originating from your marriage and checking them for accuracy. The police do not always write a report and there are sometimes glaring errors which are easier to correct when more recent. Sometimes their follow through is better, too, if you are following up and creating a paper trail of events.

If you call the local DV agency, there are likely to be some support groups that can help by giving you more opportunity to vent some of this, as well as learn some skills to deal with stress. When my ex first turned on me, and the police came out to the house, I was in "emotional shock" (conscious but dissociated) and the police don't always do a great job of getting the truth if they don't realize what's going on. He told them I was psycho; I finally was going through the police reports recently and was shocked to see I was considered "the offender"; the guy had picked me up and tried to physically throw me outside and the dispatcher HEARD all his yelling! If you can't be "present" for your children, you might be going through some similar experience and for your own good and theirs, you need to get some solid coping skills for the trauma. I am able to recognize when I'm going into that state nowadays (which usually is very infrequent).

This is very personal to me and came after a lot of soul searching and checking into FACTS; my experience was that going to a DV shelter was more traumatizing to me than helpful. Plus, I worked every day of our marriage while he was on disability. Why should I have to leave and lose all? Some people will say safety and yes, that can be an issue, but unless you take advantage of changing your Social Security number and "disappearing" (and I don't know the legalities of that, with children) via a DV "benefit", you can still be tracked and harassed. Personally, all the stresses and costs of moving here and there, through fear, made me decide that living in fear and chaos is worse than death. But that is me, and not the recommendation of most people. Sometimes, too, though, it is easier to be where people know you and the situation, at least enough that someone would be likely to call the police on your behalf, if necessary. I never liked moving and then having to explain, when ex would show up and the police would be materializing, etc. I stayed put this time and he lives next door with his mother, I have not had any dealings with him or problems since he violated the PO in July. So I suggest getting GOOD info and making decisions that are best for you and the overall situation.

Definitely agree on the idea of Al-anon as well. It is very powerful to be around others (especially on a consistent basis; something not as likely in a DV group) dealing with like issues, seeing others make progress and realizing that in your own life.

It sounds like you have issues to sort out in regard to the affair. At least you came to your senses. I found myself "inappropriately" attracted to someone some time ago because a lot was missing in my own marriage. It didn't go anywhere, but it could have and only because someone was appreciating my intelligence, etc, something I was using to the benefit of my marriage and family - my life. Beating yourself up over being human and succumbing to needs, well, you realized it was wrong and not a solution and stopped. That's already a far leap beyond a lot of other people. So hopefully, you can find some therapy or some way to work that through.

I learned fairly recently that a lot of couples got together without either person ever "standing on their own two feet" as independent adults, or at least for not a long period of time. I never really thought about it before, but I was independent and living on my own, supporting myself, until I was 26 (left home at 18 or 19). Although at times, because of finances, I had a roommate or moved into a place to decrease my expenses. But I think a lot of people, especially getting older and having more bills and children, it could be pretty terrifying to leave. Especially if you've been beaten down for some time and don't have a clue of your strengths or what you can accomplish. I'm nobody special and after we divorced, I left. I went from "nervous breakdown" and hardly being able to look at people (couldn't stand the sound of people's voices, droning on and on about trivial BS, men just struck me as trolls and nearly literally) to getting a degree, beating him in Court a couple of times (after going to jail for civil contempt, er disobedience, as I refused to willingly hand our children back to a terrorizer and had no say despite numerous violations by him, with complaint, etc). I worked at a part time, "dead end" job for two years and then got a fantastic promotion to sales manager for the regional bakery I was working for. It's that "the devil you know vs. the one you don't".

Keeping no contact and working on what you can affect - yourself and your children will help build you back up. And it IS loving, because as you said, he is with "his family". NO HE IS NOT. He is destroying his family, and staying with his relatives, who will likely back up the status quo. Making his actions "NOT acceptable" and changing what you can is actually loving. We darn well often enough can do it with and for our children and recognize it as love. In fact, his being with his relatives (rather than in a homeless shelter, his car or maybe the jail, unable to raise bail? that would give him plenty of reflection time) is probably the biggest strike, IMHO against things working out. My ex would never have been able to do as much destruction and for as long without his enabling mommie and his child-snatching brother, for example.

Even though you have small children, you probably have a lot more "going for you" than you know. And you may, because of the criminal charges, have some choices in whether or not to leave or stay put, etc. You can stand on your own two feet and handle a lot; you may just not know it yet. And while the feelings may be saying "love" at least for now, it's like getting up and going to work in the morning. You do certain things B/C you love and sometimes they are not the things we would choose, but then again, we don't always have the necessary wisdom and experience, until later, when we can look back at the road and see how far we've made it and all the positives and progress we've accomplished by doing the best thing and the right thing, and often the hardest, when we first start.

Sorry so long, you sound intelligent and I think that you can seriously get way beyond this and my hope for you is that you will!
 

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We have walked similar paths my friend. I thought my H would mature but his drinking got worse and worse. Now he is 48 and drinks a fifth of rum every single night. No matter how sick he is, how sore from work, etc., he always makes it out (usually at 1 am after I go to bed) to get his rum.

I complained, bargained, believed the "I'm sorrys" and waiting YEARS for a change. I gave him more love, I tried to be a more loving and understanding wife, no change. I tried being a harpy and ***** at him, nothing. I tried hiding from him all day in my room, nothing.

Then I did the worst thing I could ever have done. IF YOU CAN'T BEAT EM, JOIN EM. I started to drink with him, I started to sleep in until early evening, I adopted his vampire hours so I could be with him, STUPID! I actually mirrored his behavior. I stopped cleaning the house, I let myself gain weight, then I went into a deep depression because I was going against my own personality to mirror his. I did all of this to myself, he asked nothing of me.

This morning at 9 am, I went to let the dog out, he was in the kitchen still drunk. A fight ensued. Of course every time I brought up his drinking, he would point out a fault of mine, then he had the balls to call me lazy! It was then that something broke inside me. I think it was the last thread of hope, understanding, and love breaking.

As he was pointing out all of my faults to get the attention off himself, I kept looking down at a dinner plate. I kept thinking "how much jail time would I do if I busted this over his head?" "If I hit him in the temple with the side of the plate, he would die instantly. It would be a kindness. I would be putting him out of his misery, like when a dog gets sick and has to be euthanized."

Then I thought "maybe I can push him so he will come at me and try to hit me, then I could let years of anger out and get in as many punches as I could." As you can see, I am no longer thinking rationally. Then he said "I wish I was dead." Years ago I would have freaked hearing him say that. Today I said "there are knives in the drawer, just don't bleed on the carpet." Saying something like that is NOT part of my character but death would be easier than AA in his opinion. If he wants to take his own life, there is nothing I can do to stop him.

Instead I said to him in a calm voice "you just lost the last of your support system." He said GOOD NOW LEAVE. So I calmly walked into my room and watched TV.

When you get to a point that you cannot fight anymore and can finally let go, a calm feeling washed over me.

I have always hated kids, never wanted them. Thank God I never had any. People with children in this situation have so much more to worry about that it makes my troubles seem tiny.

I truly wish I could make you feel better, say something profound, but you have been doing this as long as I have. Words mean nothing. I will tell you that you are not alone and any time you need to vent, we are here for you. You will not be judged, questioned and I will NEVER tell you to go to therapy or al-anon. You already know those things exist. You aren't looking for someone to tell you what to do, what you should do. You are just looking to get your feelings out which I so important.

Let's hang in there together. If you ever want to talk one on one, PM me. We can plot their imagined deaths and crack each other up with stupid drunk stories. I GOT MILLIONS OF EM. Laughter is great medicine in times like this.

Mothers should stop reading their little girls stories of white knights, love after one kiss, love DOES NOT conquer all, and there is no such thing as happily ever after. We need more stories of EMPOWERMENT. How young girls should fulfill their own dreams BEFORE they settle down in a realistic relationship. Prince Charming is dead and rotted, someone needs to get the word out!
 
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Thanks for sharing. My H drinks and smokes pot a lot - when it's not one, it's the other. But addiction runs in his family and I'm terrified of him becoming a full blown "addict" so we go through cycles - he will drink or smoke at least daily for a while and I will nag at him and beg him, etc., to stop until it turns into a full out argument (no violence though). Then he will take a week or two off and the whole cycle will start over. I try to help him or even force him through this, but because I'm only 24 and like to drink on weekends occasioncally (though I can control myself) he always ends up calling me a hypocrite.
It's not nearly as bad as all of your stories. He's always functional. He drinks or smokes after work and on weekends. But I feel like he can't enjoy himself or life without being altered in some way. When he is on his breaks, he's "bored" all the time. His family all uses one substance or another, so he's around it constantly and he says that he doesn't know any other way to have fun. We do have fun - we do all kinds of different stuff, but he always wants to be drunk or high.
So the thing is - I don't want to be married to an addict. He's pretty much sober right now - I told him if I find pot around one more time then I'm gone. Will things ever change? What about if we have kids? Do you think that he's going to end up like your Hs? Should I just get out now?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
hey invited...your situation sounds a lot like mine years ago. trust me, you dont want to be married to an addict. my advice would be to work on communication. he clearly doesnt fully understand how you feel about his consumptions. what ive found is that sometimes when i feel like im making myself perfectly clear, he cannot understand me. this happens both ways. couples therapy is really helpful because a third party can help you to communicate and understand each other better. i WISH i had tried harder with this before my affair. if things still don't change after you put in full effort, im sorry to say it, but leaving before starting a family is the best decision for you. once you have kids, its a whole different ballgame. you don't want to put innocent kids through your adult issues. for years, i thought i could change him both before and after we got married. first it was "oh if we get married things will get better". Then it was "if we have a baby things will get better". Three kids later nothing changed. You can't change someone but you can try to communicate more effectively so they truly understand how you feel. I wish you the best of luck. Just please, never cheat. It doesn't accomplish anything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
endless...i just saw your message :) i have not been on TAM in a long time because it wasn't helping our situation. im happy (and sad) to know that there are other people who might understand what I have gone through for the past 15 years. Just wish I had made better decisions. now that ive added the affair into our problems it just seems so hopeless. it was the worst decision of my life. i realize now that everything came down to communication. im so mad at myself for not getting further help for us. we are trying now but i fear its too late. ive done irreversible damage. thanks for listening :)
 

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I have been down this road for a long long time...my first husband was an addict. Alcohol and Pot were his constant with other harder drugs once in a while. We were young when I married him, me 21 and him 22. I put up with it for 10 years, he was a great guy some of the time and rotten the rest. When I finally said enough he moved out and moved on to other things, was arrested a few times, lost jobs, lost homes, lost girlfriends, lived in shelters. We remained on good speaking terms and he would tell me of some of his adventures. Then 3 years ago he passed away, he was in a head on collision. I was suprised at how much it still hurt. He was not on anything when driving. It left our daughter, then 16 devastated. When we went to clean out his stuff from where he was living we found crack pipes and other paraphanalia. It made me feel so sorry for him, he was just over 40 and he couldnt see that his addictions were controlling his life.
So I am living common law now....for 10 years...we have a son who is 9. I love my h, but I must have rocks in my head...seriously...he is an alcoholic. He will not admit to it. I am getting so sick of nagging, pleading for him to stop drinking. I cannot stand to come home at 5pm and he is already well on his way. I do not want to even speak to him, he makes no sense. He is never mean to me, but sometimes is nasty to my daughters. No physcial abuse. But it seems he can drink less and less and becomes stupid quicker and quicker. I have told him he is killing himself. I almost gave up this weekend. He went out on Saturday at 8pm and didnt come home or call until 2 the next afternoon. So I freaked out on him, I yelled and screamed. If he has pushed me to yellling (I am an extremely calm person and usually quiet) then its enough. I told him he knocks it off or he is out. He has been good the rest of this week...he has done the dishes, offered to take our son to the movies tomorrow night. We'll see.
Sorry ranting.
I am sorry that you had to go through that, but I wouldnt second guess yourself. Just try to take care of you and the children. I am still sticking mine out for now..but our s is number 1 in my books. He is to see no fighting, and if h doesnt stay sober I will leave ..I dont want s growing up thinking it is ok.
 

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It's not too late for any of us. Once we work through the guilt, anger, resentment, and sadness, we will do what is best for us in the end (at least I hope so).

I am glad this site exists so I can come on here and vent. I also hope that some young newlywed who is concerned about their partner's addictions can read our posts and learn from our experiences.
 

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WOW......reading all these posts has really helped me to see how not alone I am in my own mess. My h of almost 10 years has become a very depressed, angry and irrational person, since alcohol has "hijacked" his brain. I have left, as the last alcoholic episode crossed so many boundaries......harrassing my wonderful 80 year old mother and my biggest supporter, my brother. My h was once the love of my life, and treated me like a queen. People said we were the perfect couple. We held hands all the time, spent hours walking, talking, shopping, etc. But then, "life" kicked in.....and things were no longer so wonderful. His elderly father needed to relocate to New York, where we live, my children (24 and 27) moved back home (into our 2nd home where we didn't stay much, but looking forward to moving into permanently) and his business slowly declined. So he started to drink more and more as he became more and more angry, depressed, etc. The signs were all there when we got married, but the "beast" never came out more than once or twice a year. But his alcoholism became worse and worse. He started blaming me for everything.....even accusing my menopause as a reason for his drinking. He became extremely controlling about MY children.....insistent that they move out, etc. Everything he said, he said meanly.....and then it turned into rages that frightened the hell out of me. I kept leaving and kept coming back, because he would say how sorry he was, and how he would change. And I believed him because I didn't really want to leave him and the life we made. But, my rock bottom happened when he was arrested for menacing someone in our apt.building. I was not there at the time. So I left, and I will not go back. I know this is the end. He still does not take responsibility for his actions, has no remorse, it's always someone else's fault, he even thinks the cops came in and destroyed the apt. (not him, in his drunken stupor), thinks the lawyer is a c****, everyone's out to get him. Well, I'm done! I've loved this guy and supported him in every way, but need to stay away. I know i need to see a lawyer and it's going to be difficult. He still thinks we're getting back together at some point (I don't know why). I am going to have to get him off the deed to my house and he can take me off the deed of his. Not sure how to go about all this....and I really can't even discuss this with him until after his court date which is coming up in a few weeks, and when he is sober enough to hear what i am saying. By the way, I am in therapy and go to Alanon meetings a few times a week. Alanon has "saved " my life!
 
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