Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 53 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
135 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
As a background, we have been married for 3 years and this is the first time this is an issue.

H told me a few days ago that he finds the way I dress uncomfortable. In my opinion I am by no means dressing in any ****ty way. I generally wear skirts or dresses that are 2-4 inches above the knee, with tights and some knitted shirt or sweater, a couple of them have a v-neck but mostly high cut. I have always dressed like this. But in the past 6-12 months I have started to wear more brighter colours and in some ways more .. flashy clothes. I don't wear make up. My husband finds issue with my appearance being too "sexy" and "attention seeking" — primarily because he noticed that men look at me on the street when I'm wearing a shorter skirt.

Fact is, I'm hot. I don't dress for other men's attention, I dress because I like clothes and dressing nicely. We have now talked a lot and very deeply about this. My husband doesn't care about dressing nicely and thinks a bit less of people who do, that it is superficial and a negative trait in a person. He also thinks I shouldn't be inviting outside attention to our marriage, which is what he sees me dressing in clothes that he finds to be too revealing. I have had self-esteem and body-image issues before. I am finally well set in my body and like the way I look. I like pretty clothes, don't spend too much money on them, just like to wear things that give me a confidence boost and colours that keep me in happy spirits.

I am having deeper feelings of uncomfortableness with the issue that my husband looks down upon people who pay attention to their looks. I started to feel pressured to not only dress less sexy but also dress less like me. He dresses just naturally, sometimes sloppily, but I have never said that I felt embarassed to go to the theater or a concert with him eventhough he just wears baggy clothes and doesn't even own a suit.

My point: I feel judged because of the way I like to dress.
So: Ignore husband and dress how I like? Accommodate husband and dress in some ways less flashy/revealing? Forget about clothes and paying so much attention to what I look like, and go find satisfaction and get into new hobbies? What?

Men, both confident and terribly insecure or anything in between, what is your opinion?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
637 Posts
This is interesting because, I keep trying to get my wife to stop wearing shirts where the neckline is all the way to her neck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
I LOVE when my wife dresses how you describe. She's SMOKING. I call her my naughty librarian when she's wearing more of a blouse and her glasses.

The issue isn't what do you do in regards to listen to hubby or not, it's why the change in him. Coming from a husband who had a bought of insecurity because of a slow change in my marriage (very minor for what we usually read on this board but still LOL). I can tell you that a change in insecurity is usually linked to something else. He may not feel very connected with you (that was my issue). There could be something on his end where he is transferring. But you need to talk to him. Don't treat the symptom, treat the problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
My wife is hot and she knows it. She dresses similar to the way you do. It does not bother me that it attracts attention from other guys and even the ladies. It makes her feel good, makes her feel confident...is there anything wrong with it - not one bit.

If she choose to dress move conservative, I would support her in that as well. I can't deny that I would be like dormant and encourage her to "show some more skin"!!

What makes her happy makes me happy!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
428 Posts
How does he dress? Is he making the most of his appearance?
How long has this attitude to your dress style being going on? Have you started to dress in more attention attractive clothes more recently, if so he may be feeling very insecure or he may be noticing other women dressing like you and he gives them substansive looks and is worreid other guys will ogle as maybe he does.

From a male point (me only) I like my wife to dress to impress but yep I draw the line when the cleavage is is prominent or the clothes she wears are revealing. there again she does not and has not worn skirts / dresses ever which were more than 2 inches above the knee but she has had a top which I did once say Nope not that low....

Talk to him about it. If feel he more insecure than a believer that dressing up is for people who love themselvea to much
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
135 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
I am wondering if there isn't more going on than just the way you dress.
Yes.

There is. And we are both aware of it at this point too. We have had problems, he has felt ignored and that I have been emotionally distant. I have. I guess because I started to feel too pressured and stressed with the demands of my H and my career, and disappointed with the fact that my husband kept refusing to take responsibility for our communication problems. I am too scared to talk about my feelings assertively, he talks about his too aggressively and attackingly for me. A lot of blaming, a lot of invalidation has taken place.

In essence, a whole bundle of mess.

What I take from this thread is that it's true, I should just concentrate on the deeper issues at hand and forget about mulling over the clothing issue. For a while I should probably keep the "sexiness" toned down, just to show DH that I have heard his feelings — but besides that still dress how I like, to show him that I will not change my whole style for him. But try not to concentrate on it. Keep dealing with the bigger picture, how our feelings have gotten hurt and educating each other about how we would like things to be. And see if we can make that happen.

I wish my husband thought like this:
My wife is hot and she knows it. She dresses similar to the way you do. It does not bother me that it attracts attention from other guys and even the ladies. It makes her feel good, makes her feel confident...is there anything wrong with it - not one bit.
But for now I think I'll have to shelf that wish and just try to fix the bigger mess here.

I guess I just got caught up with it because it is in some way pretty important to me, as dressing nicely makes me feel nice. But I should also be able to live without wearing my "sexy" skirts for a short period of time, if that helps to bring the focus back to fixing the underlying, fundamental issues in our relationship.

This was a necessary post to make and I thank you for the responses. It helps me to see this as a smaller part, a byproduct of the bigger problem, rather than another big issue to tackle and deal with. Shifting my focus off from my hemline to how to fix what is really bothering him (and me) will be more constructive. Thank you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
663 Posts
I tell my wife all time time to wear more revealing clothing and enjoy what she has. I have no issue with it at all but have not had to experience it much because she dresses very conservative.

A man should be proud if his wife has the confidence to wear sexy outfits.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,243 Posts
Yes.

There is. And we are both aware of it at this point too. We have had problems, he has felt ignored and that I have been emotionally distant. I have. I guess because I started to feel too pressured and stressed with the demands of my H and my career, and disappointed with the fact that my husband kept refusing to take responsibility for our communication problems. I am too scared to talk about my feelings assertively, he talks about his too aggressively and attackingly for me. A lot of blaming, a lot of invalidation has taken place.

In essence, a whole bundle of mess.

What I take from this thread is that it's true, I should just concentrate on the deeper issues at hand and forget about mulling over the clothing issue. For a while I should probably keep the "sexiness" toned down, just to show DH that I have heard his feelings — but besides that still dress how I like, to show him that I will not change my whole style for him. But try not to concentrate on it. Keep dealing with the bigger picture, how our feelings have gotten hurt and educating each other about how we would like things to be. And see if we can make that happen.

I wish my husband thought like this:

But for now I think I'll have to shelf that wish and just try to fix the bigger mess here.

I guess I just got caught up with it because it is in some way pretty important to me, as dressing nicely makes me feel nice. But I should also be able to live without wearing my "sexy" skirts for a short period of time, if that helps to bring the focus back to fixing the underlying, fundamental issues in our relationship.

This was a necessary post to make and I thank you for the responses. It helps me to see this as a smaller part, a byproduct of the bigger problem, rather than another big issue to tackle and deal with. Shifting my focus off from my hemline to how to fix what is really bothering him (and me) will be more constructive. Thank you!
What an awesome post. :smthumbup: If you want some relationship building book recommendations, have a look at the link in my sig to My Story and scroll down to the end of the post, there are a couple there. I also just bought His Needs Her Needs and the workbook to go with it - it's been recommended on here a lot but I don't know if it's any good yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
What an awesome post. :smthumbup: If you want some relationship building book recommendations, have a look at the link in my sig to My Story and scroll down to the end of the post, there are a couple there. I also just bought His Needs Her Needs and the workbook to go with it - it's been recommended on here a lot but I don't know if it's any good yet.
:iagree:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,696 Posts
fact is you are insecure in your personality and all you got is your looks.

dressing like that is for attrcating the oppisite sex. and if your married then you should tone it down some for the man you love.

I always find it amussing when some women is dressed provatively and then get pi$$y when she gets unwanted attention. news flash don't advertise if your not in the market.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,341 Posts
I love it when my wife dresses up and looks her best, I don't really see the problem, but all men are different
Then again I'm a bit of an exhibitionist lol :p

My wife gets looks all the time, and she tells me EVERYTHING about it including their attempted flirts which I find quite funny - and even funnier still - what she says back to them :rofl:

I don't tell her my stories however, I don't trust that she can remain calm enough - most of the time she'll end up wanting to take their heads off!!! She calls the women hitting on me "harpies" swooping down on her man.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
530 Posts
My wife dresses classy conservative. Zero revealing more like a church girl. Usually long dresses. I kind of like it. And she is beautiful anyway so she makes me look good (and respectable).

But i posted before, that i kind of look at her as representing me. so i want her to look respectable. she is like the family liason.

The goods she is hiding under there (not that you cant tell anyway by seeing the curves) is for my eyes only. :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
135 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
fact is you are insecure in your personality and all you got is your looks.
This is a bit of a rash judgement I would say. Yes, I have had self-esteem issues — as I already stated before — and I am aware that I am not the most confident person. But these days I'm pretty darn confident compared to what I used to be: I'm confident about my looks, about my personality and about my style. Which is why I'm not afraid of letting it show.

I have no reason to prove to you that looks is not all I have. You haven't even seen me, so your view of me is not really based on facts anyway. I have diplomas, references, friends and family who could prove you otherwise, but for me that's not relevant for this discussion.

But I do agree that I shouldn't dress too revealingly because I am married and that should in some way mean that my assets are for my husbands eye's only. The line between toning it down and ending up feeling like my husband controls my wardrobe is not however perfectly clear to me.

Also one thing to note: I am not complaining about the attention. For 85% of the time I don't even notice it. I don't dress for men to look at, I don't even notice if they do. My husband notices. And minds. I don't dress like I'm a product on the meet market, I dress like any young lady in my town dresses like, and much more modest than many of them. I'm 24 and my H is 28.

I don't think I'm a goddess, I'm not Playboy hot, but I'm fit and cute looking. I said I'm hot just because that is the short way to explain: I wear short skirts, but I have the legs to pull it off. And I guess these days, after years of abusing my body, I'm finally friends with it. It's not perfect nor will it ever be, and doesn't have to. But I like it. So to me I look hot.

Anyway as I said before I will be putting the short skirts on hold for now and wear other kinds of clothes that still express my personality.

Thank you all for your comments, they gave me a lot to think about.

Btw, I have read His Needs Her Needs, but somehow it didn't strike a chord with me. Best book for relationship problems that I've found is The High Conflict Couple. Have also read a ton of others and found some useful. Husband is not a reader but some of the info has trickled down to him. I'm also currently in IC for my own problems with talking about feelings and my boundarilessness, which date back to my FOO. Wish my H would agree to CC but that's a no go.

So we're working on it. Not always so effectively, but we are.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,834 Posts
If these questions are too personal, I apologize. I am trying to relate what I have read to my personal experience and maybe glean some knowledge. Who knows, maybe you will see something that will help you?


What kind of work does your husband do?
What kind of work do you do?
Where do you see yourself living in five or ten years?
What kind of lifestyle(home,friends,after work activities) would you like?
Where would you like to vacation and when was the last time you did?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,696 Posts
This is a bit of a rash judgement I would say. Yes, I have had self-esteem issues — as I already stated before — and I am aware that I am not the most confident person. But these days I'm pretty darn confident compared to what I used to be: I'm confident about my looks, about my personality and about my style. Which is why I'm not afraid of letting it show.

I have no reason to prove to you that looks is not all I have. You haven't even seen me, so your view of me is not really based on facts anyway. I have diplomas, references, friends and family who could prove you otherwise, but for me that's not relevant for this discussion.

But I do agree that I shouldn't dress too revealingly because I am married and that should in some way mean that my assets are for my husbands eye's only. The line between toning it down and ending up feeling like my husband controls my wardrobe is not however perfectly clear to me.

Also one thing to note: I am not complaining about the attention. For 85% of the time I don't even notice it. I don't dress for men to look at, I don't even notice if they do. My husband notices. And minds. I don't dress like I'm a product on the meet market, I dress like any young lady in my town dresses like, and much more modest than many of them. I'm 24 and my H is 28.

I don't think I'm a goddess, I'm not Playboy hot, but I'm fit and cute looking. I said I'm hot just because that is the short way to explain: I wear short skirts, but I have the legs to pull it off. And I guess these days, after years of abusing my body, I'm finally friends with it. It's not perfect nor will it ever be, and doesn't have to. But I like it. So to me I look hot.

Anyway as I said before I will be putting the short skirts on hold for now and wear other kinds of clothes that still express my personality.

Thank you all for your comments, they gave me a lot to think about.

Btw, I have read His Needs Her Needs, but somehow it didn't strike a chord with me. Best book for relationship problems that I've found is The High Conflict Couple. Have also read a ton of others and found some useful. Husband is not a reader but some of the info has trickled down to him. I'm also currently in IC for my own problems with talking about feelings and my boundarilessness, which date back to my FOO. Wish my H would agree to CC but that's a no go.

So we're working on it. Not always so effectively, but we are.
ask your hysband to give you more compliments and show you how HOT he thinks you are!


if your not wearing to reveling stuff then maybe he is just ultra conservitive. compromise is in order.

the tone of your orginal post gave me the impression you were walking around all sl*tty looking with lots of cleavage and mini skirts with no underwear.
 
1 - 20 of 53 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top