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I’m 28 and my husband is 47 and we’ve been together for 10 years, married for 4 (gay couple).

Five years into the relationship he suggested having threesomes, until I finally gave in and we set our rules: we’d both agree on meeting that person, always together, and only for sex. Last December we met an 18 year old guy (let’s call him James)for which he sort of fell in love with (they were chatting way too much, the guy is totally his type, and I felt my husband was becoming less interested in me. He also asked James if he wanted to be a backup boyfriend in case things didn’t work well with me). He did all this while always reassuring me that I had no reason to be concerned!

Last month he dropped this huge bomb on me: he said he hasn’t been happy for the past YEAR(!), that he isn’t sexually attracted to me as much as before (and modesty aside I am good looking, fit, attractive and could get laid in less than 10 minutes if I’d want to) and that he didn’t love me as much as before. He said he wanted James to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us, and that he wants to travel the world (literally selling everything we have to travel the world like gypsies). This was all said within 1 hour; I was devastated, I couldn’t believe that I had been married to this stranger; I couldn’t and still can’t recognize this person.

I made some research, and given all these sudden changes, and his complaints about work and our relationship (complaints he never mentioned before) I came to the conclusion that he is going through a midlife crisis and wants major changes in his life, as if that will compensate for what he considers “time lost”.

I am strongly opposed to having James with us, since it’s clear that he is indeed a threat to my relationship and that I am at risk of losing my husband to a boy we met 2 months ago. James also wants to come live with us, he says he likes us both, but clearly he likes my husband best… James and I are bottoms and my husband is the only top.

My husband has demanded that James comes to live with us and has literally made that a deal breaker for our relationship: that I must accept it, or we should split because he wants to be a dominant top with a submissive slave boy.

I love my husband very much and would do anything for him, but I can’t understand why he is doing this to me, how can he put our relationship on the table like this? He says he still loves me, and wants this threesome arrangement to work, but I no longer feel safe in this. I don’t want to leave him because I love him with all my heart, but I don’t even like James… I have no idea what to do.

Do I try to see if this arrangement will work at all? Should I just leave my husband, even if I love him and have been together and faithful to him for the past 10 years? We got together when I was 18, I’m not sure I want/am ready to start a new life from scratch…
 

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IMO he sounds like a lost cause. Honestly you're still young and there are a lot of people out there in the world who you can love and make you happy.

Sounds like your husband takes you for granted. You said "I can’t understand why he is doing this to me" but that statement comes right after "I love my husband very much and would do anything for him." That's exactly why he's doing it. Becuase he knows what ever he suggests or wants you'll probably put up with it and stick around regardless of how much you hate it. Have you ever given him a reason to think otherwise?

The reality is he's probably going to do what he wants regardless of what you decide one way the other. The only question is how much are you willing to put up with? Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can have a healthy fulfilling relationship.

I suggest telling him how you feel, if you haven't already, but you need to decide if that's a situation you're willing to live with for the sake of a person who wants to "share" you with someone you don't even like.

I'd also suggest talking to a therapist or a counselor because it sounds like you have some self-esteem issues.
 

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Gay or straight it makes no difference. He is disrespecting you and sending some pretty clear signals that he does not want monogamy. You probably didn't do yourself any favors by initially agreeing to the three way stuff.

You're 20 years younger and still a very young person. Time to probably head on down the road and find someone that is happy with just you. Not going to put a lot of faith that a 47 year old guy is going to change much in his actions at this point. Sorry but you deserve better.
 

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The reality is he's probably going to do what he wants regardless of what you decide one way the other.
That's exactly what he said, that he wants to take control of everything, and wants a slave boy to command him what to do.
Yes, I told him that this idea is terrible, we've been fighting and crying for weeks, but he simply won't let it go, he MUST have him and the same time wants me to stay.

Our fights led me to tell him that I will leave him if I have to, but I fear all he wants now is to make James come here and keep me around for the time being, while he develops a relationship with him and then kick me once he is more stable with his new toy. He forgets that new toys get old, and I can only wish that he will have someone that loves him as much as I do.

James is 18, same age I was when I met my husband, and I have mentioned that to him, that he is tired of me, but James won't be 18 forever, and neither will my husband by 47 forever or have the looks to attract younger guys.
 

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Ya that's a good point I never thought of. How old is this slave boy?
Cabana Boy James is 18, the exact same age as Kzo when he met his older man 10 years ago.
 

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What was your husband's status when you first met him? Was he in a relationship already? Trying to see if this is a pattern.
 

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What was your husband's status when you first met him? Was he in a relationship already? Trying to see if this is a pattern.
He was single and this is the longest relationship he has ever had, the 2nd longest he had was 9 months.

I'm hesitant about leaving him since I don't know if this is just a crisis or some phase, and I don't want to throw down the drain 10 years of a happy marriage.

I don't understand how in 2 months everything changed so suddenly, from being happy, to wanting to sell everything to travel the world and make some guy we just met a permanent addition to our relationship WITHOUT my consent.
 

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He was single and this is the longest relationship he has ever had, the 2nd longest he had was 9 months.

I'm hesitant about leaving him since I don't know if this is just a crisis or some phase, and I don't want to throw down the drain 10 years of a happy marriage.

I don't understand how in 2 months everything changed so suddenly, from being happy, to wanting to sell everything to travel the world and make some guy we just met a permanent addition to our relationship WITHOUT my consent.
But it isn't really so sudden is it? Did you not consent to being involved in threesomes during the course of your marriage? If so, then there was always another person involved in your relationship. Am I correct in assuming that these third parties where younger men?

Sadly, it appears that you were "groomed" by an older man and you fell in love with him. Even sadder, it appears that he is now looking for a younger man to "groom". This is not a mid-life crisis, this is who he is and always has been. Your love for him allowed you to ignore it, but it was always there.

You do not have to comply with his requests now or in the future. You are still young enough to enjoy a single life without him. He will eventually tire of the new 18 year old and seek out another for his selfish needs. This is not about love for you, or for the new guy, this is about some sort of control over another person. Your partner has control issues and does not appear capable of real love toward his spouse or anyone else.
 

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Gay or straight it makes no difference. He is disrespecting you and sending some pretty clear signals that he does not want monogamy. You probably didn't do yourself any favors by initially agreeing to the three way stuff.

You're 20 years younger and still a very young person. Time to probably head on down the road and find someone that is happy with just you. Not going to put a lot of faith that a 47 year old guy is going to change much in his actions at this point. Sorry but you deserve better.
BINGO. Drop him. You deserve better. I also buy into the only wants younger part mentioned above him. Sounds like there are some base incompatabilities like you prefer monogamy and he wants to fvck... well everyone.

I am assuming you are in a gay marriage state so being out of the closet should be lesser problem for you to go to public sites like Match to FIND THE PERSON YOU DESERVE.

No kids right? (hafta ask if some arrangements were made)
 

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I'm hesitant about leaving him since I don't know if this is just a crisis or some phase, and I don't want to throw down the drain 10 years of a happy marriage.
It sounds like he's the one doing that. Not you.

I don't understand how in 2 months everything changed so suddenly, from being happy, to wanting to sell everything to travel the world and make some guy we just met a permanent addition to our relationship WITHOUT my consent.
Chances are this has been building for some time, you might just not have seen the signs.

The age thing might be an issue too but I'm not sure. Plenty of people go for younger individuals but the fact that this guy is a few years away from 50 and is still going after and falling for 18 year olds is troubling to say the least.

Wish I had something more reassuring to tell you but the fact that you're still so young and have a lot ahead of you to me is a positive. Also the fact that you don't have kids with him is a plus. Not to belittle your situation by any means but there are people decades older than you, who have started over quite successfully.

How is your financial situation? Are you dependant on your H or can you leave and support yourself?
 
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OK.. I'm goping to fall for this.

No hope here.
Talk to a lawyer yesterday before you loose everything. File ASAP.
You husband is gone, gone, gone. No way back.
 

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Discussion Starter #15 (Edited)
Am I correct in assuming that these third parties where younger men?

Sadly, it appears that you were "groomed" by an older man and you fell in love with him. Even sadder, it appears that he is now looking for a younger man to "groom".
.
Yes, the 3rd's we've met were always according to his likes, but they were just dates, one night stands and not that often, like 4 a year sometimes. I thought it was fine since he never tried to have anything else with them, and I was always part of it. And you hit the nail, it is about grooming indeed, he wants to support him, in his studies too, and is working hard on making sure James will come live with us. Interestingly, the same effort he put when him and I met.

Sounds like there are some base incompatabilities like you prefer monogamy and he wants to fvck... well everyone.

No kids right? (hafta ask if some arrangements were made)
No kids. Ideally it would be monogamous, but apparently the occasional threesome isn't enough anymore for him and now he wants a 2nd person here, the thing is that he can't even fulfill me sexually (I'd prefer sex twice a day) so how is he going to do with 2 guys to satisfy??


How is your financial situation? Are you dependant on your H or can you leave and support yourself?
Unfortunately I didn't have a plan B, when you're married and love your partner you don't exactly have an exit plan right? I am somewhat dependent on him, I guess that's the "price to pay" for letting him take care of me since I was 18. I make some money, but I most definitely wouldn't be able to afford the same lifestyle and would have to cut back tremendously, wouldn't even be able to rent an apartment, I'd have to rent a room.


We spent so many special moments together, I don't want to quit on the man that gave me my happiest years (as a child I was my parents punching bag) and meeting him totally changed my life.
 

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Kzo, get some therapy, Hon. You were your parent's punching bag? Well, now you're this guys. He is DISRESPECTING you. He is not treating you the way people in grown up love treat a partner -- with mutuality and respect. Frankly, he wants two slave boys. You and James. You go along with what he wants or get lost. He owns your ass.

Time to emancipate Kzo. Your self esteem will go way, way up when you can live independently and on your own terms. You don't need this loser. I know you've invested a decade of your life, but learn from this. Hold out for healthy love. Living in a rented room is WAY better than existing two more minutes in this relationship.

My guess about your husband is that it's not a MLC, just that he's an assh*le. You can call it whatever you want to, but he seems pretty stuck there and he's got zero interest in changing. He's 47. He likes a big power imbalance and age difference. He likes people to submit to his dominance. He's being VERY clear about who HE is.

Be true to yourself. You deserve better.
 

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We spent so many special moments together, I don't want to quit on the man that gave me my happiest years (as a child I was my parents punching bag) and meeting him totally changed my life.
You met him when you were a still a kid. You're an adult now. He was a man gaining on 40. Of course you have such strong feelings for him. But unfortunately you are now finding out that he is not the man you thought he was, or want to be with.

You've had 10 years with him to mature and learn a lot about life and yourself. Be grateful for that, but realize it is time for you to "cut the apron strings" and move on.
 

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Kzo, get some therapy, Hon. You were your parent's punching bag? Well, now you're this guys. He is DISRESPECTING you. He is not treating you the way people in grown up love treat a partner -- with mutuality and respect. Frankly, he wants two slave boys. You and James. You go along with what he wants or get lost. He owns your ass.

Time to emancipate Kzo. Your self esteem will go way, way up when you can live independently and on your own terms. You don't need this loser. I know you've invested a decade of your life, but learn from this. Hold out for healthy love. Living in a rented room is WAY better than existing two more minutes in this relationship.

My guess about your husband is that it's not a MLC, just that he's an assh*le. You can call it whatever you want to, but he seems pretty stuck there and he's got zero interest in changing. He's 47. He likes a big power imbalance and age difference. He likes people to submit to his dominance. He's being VERY clear about who HE is.

Be true to yourself. You deserve better.
Chumplady,

you're right in nearly everything you said. I need therapy, and thinking that I might have done something wrong to this relationship, I suggested to him that we'd both go to couples counseling, which he refused right away.

He is a dominant top, controlling and possessive, a "master" as they call it, so for me it's no surprise that he is like this, the surprise is that he promised we'd be together forever and now I see that he is bringing in my "replacement". He even told me I need to be more "submissive" and "complacent", and you said it right, right now he owns my ass.

I will stay in this relationship for the time being, but I know that my days are counted, I need to start making arrangements to leave...
 

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I will stay in this relationship for the time being, but I know that my days are counted, I need to start making arrangements to leave...
Yes, you do. As quickly as possible. You might also want to look into some IC for yourself. MC isn't going to do squat.
 
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