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This may be long. Sorry!

My husband and I met through a mutual friend and hit it off instantly. For the first year, he was attentive to my needs, caring, patient, supportive, and affectionate.

Then I got pregnant!

He choked me when I was 4 months pregnant, then the abuse continued throughout my pregnancy til my son was 6 months old.

I always stayed hoping he would go back to the way he used to be. Then, I found out he was talking to other women, going to bars with them, and lying about his relationship with me.

He began verbally abusing me and the physical abuse worsened.

My pregnancy was lonely and miserable as he isolated me from family and friends.

Just recently, he started talking to his ex about getting back with her. I brought it to his attention and it turned into a huge fight.

I never had to "snoop" for evidence because it was always there for me to see. When I would leave for work, his ex would show up. He would blame the fighting on me for not trusting his judgment and for questioning him as the man of the house.

He threatened me and my family, broke all my belongings, left thousands of dollars in property damage at our first apartment together, and never let me leave without his permission.
He said I couldn't have friends, but he could talk to anyone he wants, females included.

I finally stood up for myself by calling the cops and following through with pressing charges.

Now, I feel confused. I know that everything he did was wrong and I shouldnt have let it go on for so long, but I am heartbroken. I always thought that if I changed, things would go back to the way they used to be. And if i just kept my mouth shut about his infidelities, that he would have no reason to hit, kick, punch, slap, toss, or choke me.

I am devastated at the loss of a love that could have been.

He alienated me for so long that it was all I knew. And now that he's gone, I feel alone. Even though my family has been an excellent support system, I feel like I am incomplete.

I have filed for divorce and have every intention of following through with it. I don't want to be in an abusive relationship with no opinion, no future, no respect, and no love. But why am I feeling this way?

Im fine during the day as I surround myself and my son with family, but at night, I bawl my eyes out for hours because I miss him... PLEASE HELP.
 

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DO NOT feel lost or confused about this... Omg, I did it for so long with my ex... He choked me, too, with the intent to kill me... And when he went to jail I felt tremendous guilt! WTF! He deserves exactly what he gets, if not more (both yours and mine)! I lost my first pregnancy due to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex... And it took him going to jail and me being homeless for a year before I turned myself around.

I cried every night for months on end feeling so lost and confused... I wanted him back, as stupid as that sounds, I just wanted things to be back to "normal" but do you know what "normal" was for me back then? Getting the sh!t beat out of me almost every day by a philandering abusive drug addict who wasn't worth the tears and pain I went through!!!

Stay strong, these feelings will pass, but it takes time. Focus on you and your beautiful child. Be glad he wasn't taken from you the way mine was!

Oh, and file for full custody. Stay NC, and have every communication between you documented through an attorney. Be present at ALL court proceedings and corporate with the prosecutor. I had not wanted to corporate with mine at first, and they threatened me with contempt if I didn't.

It's all for the best, sweetie... Even if it doesn't feel like that right now, just trust me... You will be glad you got away from this guy with your life! You're a survivor like me!

Feel free to PM me anytime you need someone to talk to, I've been where you are, and I know how awful it is! (((HUGS)))
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And get yourself into therapy.

I convinced myself I didn't need it, but here I am, three years later, still battling PTSD and anxiety. Nip it in the bud... The mind-torture will continue to haunt you until you get yourself the help you need...

All my best! :)
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You did and are doing the right thing. Divorce and break contact.

Love itself is like an energy. So the love we felt for someone when we started a year ago may feel the same today, but it doesn't mean the man was right. Love doesn't change quickly so it needs to be refocused. It will get easier and the love you have will find a man who deserves it and he will in turn love you and your child. The love that flows from you is pure and good, and it needs to find a focal point - a man who is good to you always. They do exist.

Your life is still full of potential and you will find a good man if you put the past and the bad man behind you to give yourself a chance.

Best wishes to you!
 

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Read these excerpts from your own post, which I have reversed. You have your own answer here --

I have filed for divorce and have every intention of following through with it. I don't want to be in an abusive relationship with no opinion, no future, no respect, and no love. But why am I feeling this way?

Im fine during the day as I surround myself and my son with family, but at night, I bawl my eyes out for hours because I miss him... PLEASE HELP.


I always stayed hoping he would go back to the way he used to be. Then, I found out he was talking to other women, going to bars with them, and lying about his relationship with me.


Now, I feel confused. I know that everything he did was wrong and I shouldnt have let it go on for so long, but I am heartbroken. I always thought that if I changed, things would go back to the way they used to be. And if i just kept my mouth shut about his infidelities, that he would have no reason to hit, kick, punch, slap, toss, or choke me.

I am devastated at the loss of a love that could have been.

He alienated me for so long that it was all I knew. And now that he's gone, I feel alone. Even though my family has been an excellent support system, I feel like I am incomplete.
You miss what could have been, what might have been, what you hoped would eventually emerge.

His behavior and your acceptance pulled you into a cycle that made you believe that if you were good enough to him, you would be rewarded by love. Calling the marriage quits (which, imo, is the right thing to do) means letting go of the possibility of a return on your investment and it means you endured much pain but never got the reward.

Guess what though? You don't see it yet, but you are getting the reward. You're going to be free of the abuse. You're not going to have to worry about being choked, cheated on, denigrated or controlled.

Once you adjust to life without his control around you like a vise, once you become accustomed to moving in the free air rather than in that prison, you will see it. In the meantime, though...you will hurt. You've been compressed into an unnatural shape for some time and you're feeling the pain of disentanglement, of expansion into a fully you-shaped being.

You're grieving....and when you're done grieving, you will be free.
 
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