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I am really at a loss about what to do about my marriage. Basically my 62 year old husband of 30 years is infatuated with a young woman of 30 he met at his golf club, 3 years ago. He is semi retired and plays a lot of golf so I am accustomed to being something of a golf widow. But I accepted his interest and thought we were happy until she appeared on the scene. He gives private coaching and she asked him to help her with her golf and generally be her mentor. He agreed and since then they have become almost inseparable.

She is also a teacher, and so has time on her hands during vacations when she can and does play golf all day everyday. Mostly it turns out, with my husband. He did not tell me how often they were playing and by the time I found out, about 3 months ago, their relationship had escalated into a full scale emotional affair and embroiled my husband in a mid life crisis. I found out that they were seeing each other all the time during the week, in the summer vacation, and often he would lie about this to me, and also at weekends, when he plays in a foursome sometimes with her boyfriend and another older male friend. Also she was texting him at all hours of the day and night, mostly about golf but also very affectionate too.

When I found out the scale of the deception- how often he had been seeing her and lying to me about it. I confronted my husband but like happens so often with midlife crises, I did not get much sense out of him. He went on about how he had always been fond of me but never really loved me. She had awakened feelings in him he never thought possible, he adored being in her company and that all he really wanted was to be with her. If she would have him he would leave me in an instant even if it only lasted a few weeks it would be worth it.

He also said he really liked being flattered by her and going around with a very attractive young woman hanging on his every word. It made his friends envious too. The twist is that their relationship, while clearly intensely emotional, is not physical, as much as he would like it to be, as she had made it clear she did not want a relationship of that kind with him due to the age gap and in any case was settled with her own boyfriend.

She has had a very nice boyfriend her own age, for the last two years, who she sees at weekends (he works some way away and comes here to be with her). Her boyfriend plays golf but not to her standard. She treats my husband like a second boyfriend and expects him to jump when she tells him to (which is also how she treats her real life boyfriend). His mood depends on how she is treating him from day to day and spending time with me seems to displease her.

As you can imagine all this caused a major crisis in our marriage and with no sense from my husband I texted her and asked her to back off a bit explaining their closeness was causing problems in our marriage. Nothing doing. In fact if anything she turned the screws even tighter, expecting him to see her every weekend for a game even if it intervened with our own arrangements.

My husband and I have discussed separating but we simply cannot afford financially to split up, I help in his business and we could not sell our house in the current market and need our joint incomes to stay afloat financially. So we have been trying to work something out to stay friends. Also if he leaves I feel she will have won and that eventually he might find himself alone and isolated while at present he is so infatuated he is not thinking straight.

Recently it was my birthday and my husband proposed a truce and invited me to go away for a couple of days and it went really well. Just like old times. He bought me a nice present and suggested we do it again next month. A day later he went very quiet and sulky and reading between the lines it was clear he had told her he was not available for golf that weekend and she had given him a really hard time.

In desperation I phoned her fiance and asked how did he feel about their relationship as it was giving me a hard time, friends were talking openly and it was becoming humiliating for me. He said he felt entirely secure and did not feel jealous as he did not believe she had any physical or romantic feelings for my husband.
He was not concerned about it. He did not seem to be fully aware himself of how much she was seeing my husband in the week denying for example that they spend hours chatting in the club bar and my husband always gives her a life home. Which is what happens. So I wonder if he is really aware of how she and myhusband interact.

I have been hoping given time it would pass but his feelings for her seem to be getting stronger and he will not pass up any opportunity to be with her. They seem to have intimate discussions about me, and about her bf, and my husband describes her as his best buddy, and she has convinced him he is "mother ridden". This is so not true but appears to be based on the view that he finds it necessary sometimes to consult me about when he can play. There is no sign yet of her getting married and my husband seems to be hoping that one day her relationship will break up and he can step in and fill the gap, and he is prepared to wait as long at it takes.

Meanwhile she wants him to be 100% available to her. Indeed we seem to have arrived at the position where he has to clear his family commitments with her first, so that they do not conflict with what she wants to do. Unless he puts her first, she gives him a hard time. The more upset I get the more he says I am making him feel hunted and put upon.

Now she has said she wants to play in a tournament between Christmas and the New Year when our son and daughter in law and baby granddaughter,, who live overseas will be here, for 4 days. We will not have seen them for nearly a year. However as a Hindu she does not celebrate Christmas and her bf who does, is packed off to his family for the duration. My husband says he has to play with her then or she will be on her own during that period. It seems she is more important even than seeing our own son and grand daughter.

What I cannot understand is why she is doing this when she has a nice boyfriend of her own age. Any comments which might help me make sense of it? Should I just let it run its course?
 

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Sorry you are going through this.

If not a physical affair, he is already in a deep emotional affair. He puts her before you.

Could you consider IC for him and MC for both of you?
 

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This guy is not worth fighting for. I wonder what you've ever seen in him. He's a terrible person! He is selfish, he is demeaning, hurtful. I would forward this chicks boyfriend all these texts she's sending your husband and explain to him the entire situation.

Your husband has obviously brainwashed this chick into disliking you in the first place. He WANTS her to dislike you so its easier for HIM to dislike you and move on, and abstain himself from guilt. I think she's not convincing him that he's mother ridden. I think HES convincing HER that you're a nag and a bully!

Honestly rockette, do you really want to BE with this man? Honestly? I would try to distance myself from him if I were you. He's not going to get to be with this girl regardless. He's having a midlife crisis and trying to abandon you!
 

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Odd...She's obviously getting something out of it, or thinks she is...
You are in a really horrible situation.
Leave the old on to be miserable when she marrys her poor boyfriend. Make him sell the house, buy your 50% of the business, and get yourself something smaller, maybe closer to your granddaughter. Can't afford it or not, you deserve to be happy, and he said he'd leave you in an instant..that can't possibly make you happy.
He will show up one day, and if you love him and he's a good man, not the arsehole he's being, it's your choice to take him back.
But right now, that's no way to live, you're heading into your twilight years, make the most if them, he's infatuated, being a disrespectful old bastard, and there's very little you can do about it :(

You should get a lot of good advice here, read about 'the fog' and understand what you are dealing with, with the addition of a 30 year age gap!
Maybe demand he see a shrink, meds.

Be the women he makes you out to be, start laying down some ground rules, be demanding, be angry.
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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I entirely hear what you are saying Kipani and think there is a lot of truth in it. The thing is until he met this young woman we seemed to have an affectionate trusting relationship. And 30 years of marriage is not thrown away lightly. I am trying to distance myself from him emotionally but it is hard.

I do wonder why any young woman, in a good relationship of her own, should single out another woman's husband in this way and not back off when the wife asks her to. OK before I contacted her, she had only heard his side but why keep going like this after I contacted her? I saw a text she sent him when he got his dates muddled up and had to stand her down for a game, it was just like a stood up girlfriend might send.

Yet her regular boyfriend thinks there is nothing wrong in her behaviour. Hello. I cannot forward him the texts as my husband deleted them as soon as he knew I had read them Now he keeps his phone on him at all times.

To help me get my head straight and put some emotional distance into this, I would like among other things to understand her motives. It would certainly take the heat off trying to sort things out, even to an amicable separation, if she backed off but all the time she is pulling his strings it makes it harder.
 

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Sorry you are going through this. Your husband is in what many of us call the "fog". When someone has gotten to this point, communication is impossible. You may as well be talking to a brick wall. It sounds like your husband and this other woman may have a physical affair going on.

It's time you do some detective work. If you look around this forum section, you'll get plenty of ideas. You really need to get proof of this affair. For example, can you get copies of his text messages? Where there is affection? The reason you got nowhere with this woman's fiancé is because he is in denial. Once you have solid proof that the relationship is beyond platonic, then give it to the boyfriend.

Wish you well with all of this.:)
 

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Rockette, some people get off on knowing that they can yank someone's chain. So this woman enjoys yanking your husband's chain.

And I bet that this woman's boyfriend says he's secure despite this relationship that she and your husband have because, well, that's the cool thing to say these days. If he were concerned, then he would be accused of being jealous and insecure. So he probably doesn't welcome any indication of what's going on.

I do have the feeling that this woman is not interested in taking the relationship with your husband further as long as she can get the desired results out of just pulling on his leash. Although I would not be surprised if she might try to take it further when she sees that your husband is pulling away from her. This is exactly what happened when my fiancé started pulling away from his EA. she then started to make offers as if she were interested in being his girlfriend......not just a chain yanker.

Given your experience so far, I would just do a 180 on him and file for divorce. Let him contemplate what life will be like without his safety net as well as find out how welcoming his golf partner is when he wants to take up space in other parts of her life.

As others agree, you can stop divorce proceedings but I can't imagine continuing the situation that you are in.
 

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I do wonder why any young woman, in a good relationship of her own, should single out another woman's husband in this way and not back off when the wife asks her to.
When a much younger woman is seeing an older man, it's always about money (according to my divorce attorney). At least she perceives him to be well off. She is stringing her boyfriend along while she waits for your husband to divorce you.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
At present even if I wanted to sell the house I could not, the market is dead. And 30 years is a long time and there is a lot of stuff to shift plus we run the business from here. So it will all take some working out and I need some emotional space to do that. Which I don't have right now. There is enough room to occupy pretty much our own spaces to for the time being at least while things get sorted. I am working on that.

Filing for divorce would not make much difference, I already suggested that and he basically shrugged. Said he would probably be OK. I think kipani is probably right, he just wants out and is looking for ways to force me to make the running.

I suspect he would have a light landing because there are plenty of divorced and widowed women of a certain age in the golf club, and I know at least two of them have come on to him in the past. Honestly he is no Adonis and not wealthy but it is surprising how many women there are who seem willing to pinch someone else's husband......

I don't think the EA has got physical yet. I have seen them together and there is no sign at all that she fancies him. Indeed when her boyfriend is around they are always smooching. I think my husband just lives in hope. Plus his movements are widely known - his classes are timetabled at the club - and he has been out playing golf when he said he was. Only golfers and their partners know what an addiction it can be. Its just that he omitted to tell me she was along too, or lied about her being there.

There is no doubt when we appeared to get along better recently, she yanked his chain sharply. Yet I would be surprised if she wanted it to get physical, she has told him frankly she is not interested in a romantic relationship with him (I believe that) or with someone his age. He is neither well known nor handsome nor wealthy and she is a very attractive young woman who could have the pick of many eligible men of her own age.

She has a good well paying job and is the only child of wealthy parents who bought her an appartment last year, and my OH is particuarly skint at present having invested in a friends business. So I am really doubtful if is about money on her side. Its more as if she wants to extract him from me to be her regular golf partner and misty eyed doting admirer, and I am in the way.

I should like to keep things as amicable as possible for the sake of our son who is fond of both of us. Also our son was at college with her (that is how she introduced herself to my husband, that she knew our son at uni) and he said then he thought she was weird, and he knows my husband is playing a lot of golf with her and is not entirely comfortable with it. I don't want him forced into taking sides if it can be avoided.

I did see a text where he was complaining about me checking up on him and she asked him why he did not leave but that was before I texted her and spoke to her boyfriend and told them my side of things. How long does the fog last? Does it ever lift?
 

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Fog always lifts, but if you believe there is no physical element, or even a mutual feeling on her part, then I think the fog as its definition around here isn't applicable. He's in LaLa land, infatuated with a non existent affair..
Many people say that serving the divorce papers helps, as it makes it quite serious.

Don't worry about your son, never speak ill of his Dad, he's grown up enough to make his own decisions, bet he doesn't want to see you live like this.
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Hindu, eh? Why don't you expose the whole thing to her parents and extended family? The people at the golf club? Transpose all those texts for her fiance, and show them to him.

Then, divorce this clown. You say you can't afford to, yet, you are apparently running your own business, and he can afford to golf all the time...something is not adding up.

The minute my husband came to tell me he never loved me and would leave in an instant if he had the chance to be with another woman would be the instant he was carried off on a stretcher. How can you even want to stick it out at that point?

Your son is a grown married man and a father; he can handle his parents getting a divorce.

Stop making excuses for your situation and ACT.
 

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I entirely hear what you are saying Kipani and think there is a lot of truth in it. The thing is until he met this young woman we seemed to have an affectionate trusting relationship. And 30 years of marriage is not thrown away lightly. I am trying to distance myself from him emotionally but it is hard.

I do wonder why any young woman, in a good relationship of her own, should single out another woman's husband in this way and not back off when the wife asks her to. OK before I contacted her, she had only heard his side but why keep going like this after I contacted her? I saw a text she sent him when he got his dates muddled up and had to stand her down for a game, it was just like a stood up girlfriend might send.

Yet her regular boyfriend thinks there is nothing wrong in her behaviour. Hello. I cannot forward him the texts as my husband deleted them as soon as he knew I had read them Now he keeps his phone on him at all times.

To help me get my head straight and put some emotional distance into this, I would like among other things to understand her motives. It would certainly take the heat off trying to sort things out, even to an amicable separation, if she backed off but all the time she is pulling his strings it makes it harder.
Power. It's about power. And control. You see, she now has the power over him to act on HER wishes over yours. That gives her a "rush". He is a puppet to her. He is allowing himself to be controlled by her. Why? Because, as you have mentioned, she is younger and gives him an ego boost. She knows this. This "ego boost" is the key.

In order to fix this, you may have to play hard ball with him. Tell your children about their father's new golf buddy and that it appears that your needs (and theirs) run second to this OW and her needs. Expose her by telling your children who she is. In short, what you are doing is attempting to pull your H back into the marital fold and away from this viper OW.

Next, don't tolerate this treatment for another second. If he cancels plans with you in order to fit her into his schedule, tell him to not bother coming home.

And finally, you may have to pull out the big guns. 30 years of marriage entitles you to Alimony. You are also entitled to 50% of the marital assets. Does he really want to "go there"?

You can snap him out of this and win, but you have to take a stand and not allow this to continue without some serious consequences that he is convinced you will take.

Good luck to you.
 

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Power. It's about power. And control. You see, she now has the power over him to act on HER wishes over yours. That gives her a "rush". He is a puppet to her. He is allowing himself to be controlled by her. Why? Because, as you have mentioned, she is younger and gives him an ego boost. She knows this. This "ego boost" is the key.

In order to fix this, you may have to play hard ball with him. Tell your children about their father's new golf buddy and that it appears that your needs (and theirs) run second to this OW and her needs. Expose her by telling your children who she is. In short, what you are doing is attempting to pull your H back into the marital fold and away from this viper OW.

Next, don't tolerate this treatment for another second. If he cancels plans with you in order to fit her into his schedule, tell him to not bother coming home.

And finally, you may have to pull out the big guns. 30 years of marriage entitles you to Alimony. You are also entitled to 50% of the marital assets. Does he really want to "go there"?

You can snap him out of this and win, but you have to take a stand and not allow this to continue without some serious consequences that he is convinced you will take.

Good luck to you.
In this case, I think this would be very effective since it seems pretty certain that she wouldn't want him at her place.
 

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:confused: That little conniving girl is the devil. She is definitely showing you how much power she has by pulling him in even more after you talked or texted her.... I am so sorry about your situation.
 

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I would suggest getting real evidence that you can share with the OW's guy.

Use voice activated recorder and confront your husband and get him to tell you again the horrible things he said about not wanting you, but wanting her.

If the two of them talk on the phone, see if you can get at least his side of the conversation.

The BF is an idiot who doesn't see your old husband as a threat.
 

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I am so sorry you are here...

I get the feeling you are blaming her. Yes, she is yanking his chain, but he is allowing it. She is not the problem here...

I feel you are being too rational. Your mind is trying to come up with a viable outcome to keep the status quo. You are Not the other woman. You are the one and only woman in his life you need to start acting like it.

You need to make this affair difficult for him

1) Start accommodating him to all golfing functions. Begin to have interest in golf. Even if you hate golf, fake it. Look drop
dead gorgeous and start marking your territory. He will have a difficult time in his fantasyland when his reality (You) are always there. Don't allow them any private time together. When she is around talk about your family and show her pictures of your grandchildren. He will throw a fit and object, but you need to take your own car and follow him to the club. Don't ever allow him to sit in the clubhouse and socialize with this OW. Maybe even get your own lessons from a cute young golf pro... Give it right back to him. You can only do this for a short time, it will be emotionally draining. Read MB forum for more tips on how to do this

2) kick him out of the house and go nuclear in exposing the
affair. Let your family and everyone at the club know he is
throwing away 30 years of marriage for this woman.

Do not make this affair easy for him.


Other will post more....
 

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I would suggest getting real evidence that you can share with the OW's guy.

Use voice activated recorder and confront your husband and get him to tell you again the horrible things he said about not wanting you, but wanting her.

If the two of them talk on the phone, see if you can get at least his side of the conversation.

The BF is an idiot who doesn't see your old husband as a threat.

Yes, the BF is an idiot, so I'm not sure that your suggestion, specifically appealing to him in regards to the OP's marital relationship is going to sway him one way or another, so long as his "GF" is faithful. :rolleyes:

In the alternative, I would suggest that the OP paint this OW as a con-artist, a manipulator, a person who uses others (the OP's H) for her own gain. I would appeal to the BF in the sense that he is in a relationship with a ruthless, cold, calculating, utterly selfish and self-absorbed woman, and that he needs to be more observant of her character if he intends to maintain his own relationship with such a woman. I think this approach would get the BF's attention more so than painting her as being after the OP's H on an emotional and/or potentially physical level.
 

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When I found out the scale of the deception- how often he had been seeing her and lying to me about it. I confronted my husband but like happens so often with midlife crises, I did not get much sense out of him. He went on about how he had always been fond of me but never really loved me. She had awakened feelings in him he never thought possible, he adored being in her company and that all he really wanted was to be with her. If she would have him he would leave me in an instant even if it only lasted a few weeks it would be worth it.

He also said he really liked being flattered by her and going around with a very attractive young woman hanging on his every word. It made his friends envious too. The twist is that their relationship, while clearly intensely emotional, is not physical, as much as he would like it to be, as she had made it clear she did not want a relationship of that kind with him due to the age gap and in any case was settled with her own boyfriend.
Sorry you are here.

The saying there is no fool like an old fool comes to mind.

Let me guess, your husband is wealthier or more financially sound than her boyfriend and she likes having his money spent on her because she wants attention and to be pampered.

What's happening is your Mid life crisis boy is feeling old, and when he looks at this young women it's like looking into the mirror and seeing his youth.

He will wake up when your gone and it's way too late to make amends.

I have seen it many times.

Also, if they do end up marrying, she will likely cheat on him, too.

Maybe it's Karma, maybe it's just desserts.

Sorry you are here.
 

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This guy is not worth fighting for. I wonder what you've ever seen in him. He's a terrible person! He is selfish, he is demeaning, hurtful. I would forward this chicks boyfriend all these texts she's sending your husband and explain to him the entire situation.

Your husband has obviously brainwashed this chick into disliking you in the first place. He WANTS her to dislike you so its easier for HIM to dislike you and move on, and abstain himself from guilt. I think she's not convincing him that he's mother ridden. I think HES convincing HER that you're a nag and a bully!

Honestly rockette, do you really want to BE with this man? Honestly? I would try to distance myself from him if I were you. He's not going to get to be with this girl regardless. He's having a midlife crisis and trying to abandon you!
Agree. Also, have you outed him to his children and mutual friends.

If not please do so.

I am also having difficulty believing they have not had sex.

Can you hire a detective to follow him for one day?
 

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I am really at a loss about what to do about my marriage. Basically my 62 year old husband of 30 years is infatuated with a young woman of 30 he met at his golf club, 3 years ago. He is semi retired and plays a lot of golf so I am accustomed to being something of a golf widow. But I accepted his interest and thought we were happy until she appeared on the scene. He gives private coaching and she asked him to help her with her golf and generally be her mentor. He agreed and since then they have become almost inseparable.

She is also a teacher, and so has time on her hands during vacations when she can and does play golf all day everyday. Mostly it turns out, with my husband. He did not tell me how often they were playing and by the time I found out, about 3 months ago, their relationship had escalated into a full scale emotional affair and embroiled my husband in a mid life crisis. I found out that they were seeing each other all the time during the week, in the summer vacation, and often he would lie about this to me, and also at weekends, when he plays in a foursome sometimes with her boyfriend and another older male friend. Also she was texting him at all hours of the day and night, mostly about golf but also very affectionate too.

When I found out the scale of the deception- how often he had been seeing her and lying to me about it. I confronted my husband but like happens so often with midlife crises, I did not get much sense out of him. He went on about how he had always been fond of me but never really loved me. She had awakened feelings in him he never thought possible, he adored being in her company and that all he really wanted was to be with her. If she would have him he would leave me in an instant even if it only lasted a few weeks it would be worth it.

He also said he really liked being flattered by her and going around with a very attractive young woman hanging on his every word. It made his friends envious too. The twist is that their relationship, while clearly intensely emotional, is not physical, as much as he would like it to be, as she had made it clear she did not want a relationship of that kind with him due to the age gap and in any case was settled with her own boyfriend.

She has had a very nice boyfriend her own age, for the last two years, who she sees at weekends (he works some way away and comes here to be with her). Her boyfriend plays golf but not to her standard. She treats my husband like a second boyfriend and expects him to jump when she tells him to (which is also how she treats her real life boyfriend). His mood depends on how she is treating him from day to day and spending time with me seems to displease her.

As you can imagine all this caused a major crisis in our marriage and with no sense from my husband I texted her and asked her to back off a bit explaining their closeness was causing problems in our marriage. Nothing doing. In fact if anything she turned the screws even tighter, expecting him to see her every weekend for a game even if it intervened with our own arrangements.

My husband and I have discussed separating but we simply cannot afford financially to split up, I help in his business and we could not sell our house in the current market and need our joint incomes to stay afloat financially. So we have been trying to work something out to stay friends. Also if he leaves I feel she will have won and that eventually he might find himself alone and isolated while at present he is so infatuated he is not thinking straight.

Recently it was my birthday and my husband proposed a truce and invited me to go away for a couple of days and it went really well. Just like old times. He bought me a nice present and suggested we do it again next month. A day later he went very quiet and sulky and reading between the lines it was clear he had told her he was not available for golf that weekend and she had given him a really hard time.

In desperation I phoned her fiance and asked how did he feel about their relationship as it was giving me a hard time, friends were talking openly and it was becoming humiliating for me. He said he felt entirely secure and did not feel jealous as he did not believe she had any physical or romantic feelings for my husband.
He was not concerned about it. He did not seem to be fully aware himself of how much she was seeing my husband in the week denying for example that they spend hours chatting in the club bar and my husband always gives her a life home. Which is what happens. So I wonder if he is really aware of how she and myhusband interact.

I have been hoping given time it would pass but his feelings for her seem to be getting stronger and he will not pass up any opportunity to be with her. They seem to have intimate discussions about me, and about her bf, and my husband describes her as his best buddy, and she has convinced him he is "mother ridden". This is so not true but appears to be based on the view that he finds it necessary sometimes to consult me about when he can play. There is no sign yet of her getting married and my husband seems to be hoping that one day her relationship will break up and he can step in and fill the gap, and he is prepared to wait as long at it takes.

Meanwhile she wants him to be 100% available to her. Indeed we seem to have arrived at the position where he has to clear his family commitments with her first, so that they do not conflict with what she wants to do. Unless he puts her first, she gives him a hard time. The more upset I get the more he says I am making him feel hunted and put upon.

Now she has said she wants to play in a tournament between Christmas and the New Year when our son and daughter in law and baby granddaughter,, who live overseas will be here, for 4 days. We will not have seen them for nearly a year. However as a Hindu she does not celebrate Christmas and her bf who does, is packed off to his family for the duration. My husband says he has to play with her then or she will be on her own during that period. It seems she is more important even than seeing our own son and grand daughter.

What I cannot understand is why she is doing this when she has a nice boyfriend of her own age. Any comments which might help me make sense of it? Should I just let it run its course?
Does your husband have any self respect. This is a one way EA. obviously this woman is extremely selfish and is taking advantage of your husband. I doubt that this relationship will turn physical and unless this woman is desperate (which is sounds like she isn't) he is being used and is some ways abused. I am sure he is helping her financially or has in the past. Your husband is trying to buy her affections. This is ridiculous and your husband is willing to toss everything to be with this woman. Well fine let it happen. cut him off from your income totally. You cut him off totally. Lets see how long it takes for him to enjoy this woman with an empty home and nothing left for him at home.
Now I will say this. I wouldn't count out a physical affair. I think this is just a spoiled young brat getting one over on the creepy old guy. But you never know who is crazy. I would hire an Private investigator. A good one will probably charge around 500 a young up and comer will probably charge you 100 - 200 dollars. Money well spent IMHO because you will have real tangible evidence, time, phone calls, and information he cannot deny.
 
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