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Back story: my husband is about 60/70 lbs overweight, newly diagnosed diabetic (9 months ago), dropped 40 lbs following diagnosis, gained back about 10. Hits the gym fairly regularly. Doesn't keep up with his diet much. He's been overweight the entire time I've known him, I have never had any issues with it at all. He has major self esteem issues because of his weight but struggles to put and keep the weight off.

The issue:
Today we're out shopping and husband picks up a slice of cake, I didn't care or even realize he had done it until we're in the checkout lane. As our items are being bagged, I noticed the cake and wanted to see it ( cake always piques my interest a tad). as I reach into the bag to grab it, my husband sort of pushes my hand away and says he doesn't want me to see it. Um...ok? I reach in agin just to look at it and he grabs the bag so I can't see it. Which makes me frustrated so I ask... what's the big deal, I only want to see it, I might want to get a slice for myself. All this is happening in the line and the cashier starts to sort of chuckle. Hubby walks away (with the cake) and leaves me to push the cart to the car.

I get to the car and he's agitated... asking why I made a scene etc. I'm equally agitated and tell him he was the cause of the scene. Silent treatment from me to him and vice versa on the drive home.

We get home and talk about it, kiss and make love but I'm still confused.

He says he didn't want me drawing attention to the fact that he had cake by asking to look at it in front of the cashier. She's going to think he's just a "big guy" that eats too much. But I'm thinking, I doubt the cashier cares about whether or not he eats cake, and wasn't he the cause of the scene by getting so upset about me asking to see it?

Honestly, I'm just confused... who was wrong here?
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Lol, I just didn't understand what the big deal was?
I may have wanted a slice too

He asks me to see this or that and I just let him... seems like the more normal response to me. I mean, it was a piece of cake. Not a government secret lol

You were. What part of he didn't want you to see it did you not understand?
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But I mightve wanted to get one,

Should I have waited till we got home so I could then see it, decide I want one then drive bac. Seems silly
both of you.....

sounds like 5 year olds argueing in the sand box,

when he said no the first time, you should have just let it go until you at least got outside or home, you continued to cause the scene by grabbing a second time
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He wanted to indulge but has self esteem issues. He was embarrassed and guilty to be buying something unhealthy, it's fairly common for people with weight issues and eating disorders. You should have left it alone until you were at home unloading the groceries.

You weren't wrong because you had no idea his true emotion behind it. But now that you know, if you made a scene in a similar situation then I would say it was wrong of you.
 

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Lol, I just didn't understand what the big deal was?
I may have wanted a slice too

He asks me to see this or that and I just let him... seems like the more normal response to me. I mean, it was a piece of cake. Not a government secret lol


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it doesnt matter what it was, the object in question is not the point.....he told you no ONCE, that should have been the end, then you grabbed a second time
 

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You kind of pushed the issue there,especially since your H is self-conscious about his weight.Just out of curiosity,as a diabetic does he often eat cake?
 
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He wanted to indulge but has self esteem issues. He was embarrassed and guilty to be buying something unhealthy, it's fairly common for people with weight issues and eating disorders. You should have left it alone until you were at home unloading the groceries.

You weren't wrong because you had no idea his true emotion behind it. But now that you know, if you made a scene in a similar situation then I would say it was wrong of you.
Yeah. It seems pretty obvious to me. Why is that confusing to you?
 

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Not to sounds so superior because I have my own issues, but I try not to create situations in public where I look like I'm mommying my husband. Asking to see a slice of cake and then persisting when refused comes off like he's the child and you're the parent especially when you throw in the visual dynamic of you being slim and him being heavy. Couldn't you have realized that he was feeling sensitive? You should have let it go when he seemed resistant. In your first sentences you indicate you know he's sensitive about his weight. So going from there you could have pictured what he was feeling in the moment. I can only think that it happened so fast you weren't really thinking about his feelings. Next time try to be more clued in to his feelings...
 

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Yeah. It seems pretty obvious to me. Why is that confusing to you?
I do find it a bit cold hearted that he told you he was embarrassed and you are still thinking it is a joke. He told you exactly what it was and it's a serious self esteem problem and you are finding it funny. A little bit of empathy would go a long way.
 

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He has major self esteem issues because of his weight


He says he didn't want me drawing attention to the fact that he had cake by asking to look at it in front of the cashier. She's going to think he's just a "big guy" that eats too much.
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Your answer lies within what's quoted above. Next time I'd suggest leaving his cake alone, and let him eat it in peace.

For christ's sake - IT'S CAKE!!!!
 

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Yeah to someone self-conscious about their weight, pointing out his cake by inquiring was, to him, putting a big ole neon sign over his head that said "FAT DUDE GETTING FATTER EATING CAKE! LOOK AT THE BIG OLE FAT DUDE!!!"
 

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Discussion Starter #17
That's fair enough,

And I told him I would be more conscious of that in the future... there was no malice intended. I just wanted to see it. I would think him just letting me see it would've been the easier route to take. Its not like I was gonna start jumping up and down and screaming that my husband is buying cake.

He wanted to indulge but has self esteem issues. He was embarrassed and guilty to be buying something unhealthy, it's fairly common for people with weight issues and eating disorders. You should have left it alone until you were at home unloading the groceries.

You weren't wrong because you had no idea his true emotion behind it. But now that you know, if you made a scene in a similar situation then I would say it was wrong of you.
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Discussion Starter #18
K, not sure how your marriage works, but we are not the cleavers lol
Telling me no in a situation that doesn't make sense to me is going to have him explaining himself.
If he said, I'll show you in the car or just told me what type of cake it was, that would've sufficed

it doesnt matter what it was, the object in question is not the point.....he told you no ONCE, that should have been the end, then you grabbed a second time
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I really didn't see it as mommying, if anything,I thought he was "daddying" me when he swatted my hand from the bag. And the walking out without me...

It was very quick, and I was honestly just wanting to see it so I could maybe go pick up a slice quickly while the groceries were still be rung up. But I'll definitely try to be more observant to how he's feeling when he reacts "strangely" to a given situation.

Not to sounds so superior because I have my own issues, but I try not to create situations in public where I look like I'm mommying my husband. Asking to see a slice of cake and then persisting when refused comes off like he's the child and you're the parent especially when you throw in the visual dynamic of you being slim and him being heavy. Couldn't you have realized that he was feeling sensitive? You should have let it go when he seemed resistant. In your first sentences you indicate you know he's sensitive about his weight. So going from there you could have pictured what he was feeling in the moment. I can only think that it happened so fast you weren't really thinking about his feelings. Next time try to be more clued in to his feelings...
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