I recently made a huge discovery about my husband's past and I'm hoping to get some advice about how I should deal with it. Between the lies, deception, and showing himself to not be the great guy I thought he was, I'm pretty unsure right now if I even want to stay with him.
Background - we've been together for about 4 years, married for just over 2 years. We have a 20 month old son together. And yes, if you've done the math, you know I was already pregnant when we got married. The pregnancy was not the reason we got married but it did move up our wedding date.
I was 23 when I met him and he was 28. He was and is my only serious relationship since my high school boyfriend, and my husband told me he'd been in several relationships short term but never anything serious or for more than 6 months. Until recently, I had no reason not to believe him.
A couple of months ago, he got laid off from the company he's been working for since before we met. He made pretty good money there (he's an engineer). I'm a part time college student and I work part time as the assistant manager in an independent clothing store. So without his income things are pretty tight right now, we bought a $140,000 house just after we married and the monthly mortgage payments are pretty high. He has always handled all the finances so I don't know too much about where the money goes. I've never seen his pay stubs or even our taxes other than to sign them. I trusted him to take care of it.
Well, about a week ago I overheard him arguing with someone on the phone. He was telling them that he'd lost his job and couldn't make "the payments." I was obviously concerned as I thought maybe he was talking to the bank about the mortgage. So I asked him about it and he told me not to worry he had it all under control. I wasn't convinced but he didn't want to talk about it so I let it go. Until 2 days later we got a call when he wasn't home, and some strange woman told me to "tell J I don't care if he lost his job or not, if he doesn't pay up on his full child support I'll see him in court."
I told her I thought she had the wrong number because my husband didn't have anyone he was paying child support to. She proceeded to give me proof, in detail, that he had been paying child support to her for longer than I'd known him, for their 3 Kids together! She told me they'd been together since he was like 16 years old and that they'd lived together for several years after high school. They had 3 kids one year apart from each other. She also told me he'd never once visited them since he'd walked out on her about 5 years ago. Her timeline for his leaving her had it happening only a matter of months before he started dating me. So much for his story about no serious past relationships!
I was in shock when I got off the phone. I went to his office and pulled out the files with his pay stubs that i had never looked at before (he didn't know I knew where he kept the key to his file cabinet). Sure enough, wage garnishments to the tune of $800 a month as far back as he was keeping the files. And yes, I'm aware I was something of a fool for never once asking him to show me our financial paperwork. Lesson learned.)
When he got home that night I confronted him.i was so upset I was almost hysterical. How could he have kept from me that he had an ex and 3 kids that he had basically abandoned? Not to mention that our son has 3 half siblings my husband apparently never intended to tell him about? And what kind of man just leaves his kids and makes no effort to see them for 5 years?
He's tried very hard to put it all on his ex. Told me he found out she was cheating on him, had been cheating on him for years. He doesn't want to see the kids because he's not sure they are his. If that's the case, why not DNA them and end the child support payments? Or fight for partial custody if they were his? I asked him if he had any idea how much he had probably emotionally scarred those kids and he said his pain over her cheating was all he could think about when he left and by the time he'd recovered enough to face her she'd gone to court and gotten full custody on grounds of abandonment and he couldnt see the point in fighting for kids that might not even be his.
He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am - furious that he could just leave his kids without making an effort to find out if they were his or not. And to have lied and hid this from me the entire time we've been together. And to spend money that should be used for our family if indeed those kids aren't his!
I don't know what I'm most upset about - the years of lies and deceptions, the thousands of dollars of child support payments I never knew about, or the realization that if he could walk away from his 3 previous kids that easily, he could do the same to me and our son.
I told him I needed time to think and process all this and the baby and I are staying with my parents for now. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. After all the lies I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And yet I'm not sure this is worth leaving him over, either. Especially if he chooses to completely desert our son like he did his other children. I don't want my son growing up without his father in his life.
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Background - we've been together for about 4 years, married for just over 2 years. We have a 20 month old son together. And yes, if you've done the math, you know I was already pregnant when we got married. The pregnancy was not the reason we got married but it did move up our wedding date.
I was 23 when I met him and he was 28. He was and is my only serious relationship since my high school boyfriend, and my husband told me he'd been in several relationships short term but never anything serious or for more than 6 months. Until recently, I had no reason not to believe him.
A couple of months ago, he got laid off from the company he's been working for since before we met. He made pretty good money there (he's an engineer). I'm a part time college student and I work part time as the assistant manager in an independent clothing store. So without his income things are pretty tight right now, we bought a $140,000 house just after we married and the monthly mortgage payments are pretty high. He has always handled all the finances so I don't know too much about where the money goes. I've never seen his pay stubs or even our taxes other than to sign them. I trusted him to take care of it.
Well, about a week ago I overheard him arguing with someone on the phone. He was telling them that he'd lost his job and couldn't make "the payments." I was obviously concerned as I thought maybe he was talking to the bank about the mortgage. So I asked him about it and he told me not to worry he had it all under control. I wasn't convinced but he didn't want to talk about it so I let it go. Until 2 days later we got a call when he wasn't home, and some strange woman told me to "tell J I don't care if he lost his job or not, if he doesn't pay up on his full child support I'll see him in court."
I told her I thought she had the wrong number because my husband didn't have anyone he was paying child support to. She proceeded to give me proof, in detail, that he had been paying child support to her for longer than I'd known him, for their 3 Kids together! She told me they'd been together since he was like 16 years old and that they'd lived together for several years after high school. They had 3 kids one year apart from each other. She also told me he'd never once visited them since he'd walked out on her about 5 years ago. Her timeline for his leaving her had it happening only a matter of months before he started dating me. So much for his story about no serious past relationships!
I was in shock when I got off the phone. I went to his office and pulled out the files with his pay stubs that i had never looked at before (he didn't know I knew where he kept the key to his file cabinet). Sure enough, wage garnishments to the tune of $800 a month as far back as he was keeping the files. And yes, I'm aware I was something of a fool for never once asking him to show me our financial paperwork. Lesson learned.)
When he got home that night I confronted him.i was so upset I was almost hysterical. How could he have kept from me that he had an ex and 3 kids that he had basically abandoned? Not to mention that our son has 3 half siblings my husband apparently never intended to tell him about? And what kind of man just leaves his kids and makes no effort to see them for 5 years?
He's tried very hard to put it all on his ex. Told me he found out she was cheating on him, had been cheating on him for years. He doesn't want to see the kids because he's not sure they are his. If that's the case, why not DNA them and end the child support payments? Or fight for partial custody if they were his? I asked him if he had any idea how much he had probably emotionally scarred those kids and he said his pain over her cheating was all he could think about when he left and by the time he'd recovered enough to face her she'd gone to court and gotten full custody on grounds of abandonment and he couldnt see the point in fighting for kids that might not even be his.
He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am - furious that he could just leave his kids without making an effort to find out if they were his or not. And to have lied and hid this from me the entire time we've been together. And to spend money that should be used for our family if indeed those kids aren't his!
I don't know what I'm most upset about - the years of lies and deceptions, the thousands of dollars of child support payments I never knew about, or the realization that if he could walk away from his 3 previous kids that easily, he could do the same to me and our son.
I told him I needed time to think and process all this and the baby and I are staying with my parents for now. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. After all the lies I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And yet I'm not sure this is worth leaving him over, either. Especially if he chooses to completely desert our son like he did his other children. I don't want my son growing up without his father in his life.
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