[3Xnocharm]

No offense TAMAT but I don't think this one situation means he is a pathological liar! And I don't see how he could be doing a lot of those things anyway considering we are together almost 100% of the time we are not at work. It makes this separation that much harder - I really miss him and our son keeps asking for Da Da.
Posted via Mobile Device

Don't be too sure, this ONE situation is a doozy! Like, his entire life was a lie. People who tell lies of this magnitude tend to make a lifestyle of it. I think a little digging is in order to see if there is anything else major going on. This truly sucks, and I am sorry. :frown2:

 

[Blondilocks]

You might want to consider taking a course in accounting. This man siphoned off $19,200 in just two short years of marriage. That is financial infidelity. Will you ever be able to trust him with a bank account or credit card, again?

 

[Bibi1031]

And I don't see how he could be doing a lot of those things anyway considering we are together almost 100% of the time we are not at work. It makes this separation that much harder - I really miss him and our son keeps asking for Da Da.
Posted via Mobile Device

De Nile is not just a river in Egypt OP. You are not ready or willing to see the truth about who you chose to have a child with. You can only lie to yourself before too long. He is no good, never was and never will be.

It is going to take time for this to sink in. Time you are losing on this, well you know.

 

[Icebearsmom]

I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why he doesn't insist on the DNA testing to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income).

I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[EunuchMonk]

I do like the idea of contacting the ex and getting her side of the story. Of course I have no way to know if she is lying to me either. But honestly if she is raising my son'a half-siblings then I want to get to know her because I can't have any more kids so they're going to be the only siblings he will ever have.
Posted via Mobile Device

That’s true. What you could do is hear her story, then hear his, and match the two. Try to decipher the truth that way.

 

[WonkyNinja]

IBM,

I can't say for sure but....

From the sounds of what you wrote, please expect to uncover more lies, it's just what liars do prepare yourself to find out that...

He has various addictions you know nothing about, gambling, drugs, booze, go-go bars, prostitutes etc.

He spends money you know nothing about, or says his shoes were $100 when they are in fact $300.

He lies when there is no reason to lie just because that's what he does.

He lies about his achievements, which are actually just the retelling of real experiences people he know has told him.

Tamat

You said it .... you can't say for sure.

Why just make up a load of unrelated stuff? OP has more than enough on her plate for any person to handle without you pulling stuff out the blue that he could also be doing. There's a million other things that anyone could be doing.

How about sticking to the known stuff and trying to give her some helpful advice.

 

[WonkyNinja]

I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why he doesn't insist on the DNA testing to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income).

I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?
Posted via Mobile Device

No. That was a court judgement that was garnished from his paycheck directly, he didn't exactly stand up and do the right thing. I may be wrong but I think you have to miss a sh1t load of payments before it gets to court ordered garnishments.

Didn't you said he was an engineer? I'm an engineer too. Do you know how fricking pedantic we are about being right? I think your father is being a little too kind to him, there is only one reason he didn't get DNA tested and that is because he knew there was no point.

Your last paragraph sounds like he's starting to bail. What does being out of state have to do with no contact? I really think you need to see a lawyer asap. You may be needing someone to legally grab any funds from the house sale.

BTW what sort of engineer is he that $800/mo isn't much compared to what he was making? I think I'm in the wrong branch of engineering.

 

[lucy999]

First off, I am sorry you are in this situation. It must be a nightmare.

you need to know that just because your husband will ask for a reduction in child support does not mean he will get it. Do not hang your hat on that. have you ever thought that he is lying about his baby mama cheating? That would go hand-in-hand as to why he is not pushing the DNA testing. Because he knows they are his. Because she did not cheat. I'm not saying that happened, but you might want to think along those lines as well.

I agree with the others who said that you need to talk to her about it. And I think most important, you need to consult with a lawyer. Just to figure out what your rights are.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

 

[Icebearsmom]

I have a somewhat unrelated question. Do I have the right to request the children be DNA tested if he won't do it? Nothing to do with the child support, but because it's really important to me to know if these kids are indeed related to my child. Unless their mother really is the psycho ***** my husband made her out to be, I'd like them to be a part of our lives in the future if they really are half siblings.

There is a part of me that wishes he had just kept lying and told me he didn't see his kids because his ex wouldn't let him. I'd still be pissed about the lies but I'd probably have ended up feeling sorry for him and letting it go. Knowing he walked away from his family willingly and never looked back is so much harder to forgive.

Can anyone give me an idea of what I can expect financially if I decide to divorce him? We've only been married 2 years and I've always worked but never contributed financially to our household - all my money has gone into my college expenses. And actually he's paid for a good chunk of my college tuition as well, because he didn't want me to end up with massive student loans. The school I am attending is costing about $8000 per semester and I have one semester left to pay for. I hope I don't come across as money crazy it's just that it's really important that I finish my masters degree because it's ABSOLUTELY required in my chosen field to land even an entry level position. And it's the only job I've ever wanted to do since I was about 8 years old.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[3Xnocharm]

First off, I am sorry you are in this situation. It must be a nightmare.

you need to know that just because your husband will ask for a reduction in child support does not mean he will get it. Do not hang your hat on that. have you ever thought that he is lying about his baby mama cheating? That would go hand-in-hand as to why he is not pushing the DNA testing. Because he knows they are his. Because she did not cheat. I'm not saying that happened, but you might want to think along those lines as well.

I agree with the others who said that you need to talk to her about it. And I think most important, you need to consult with a lawyer. Just to figure out what your rights are.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

I had this exact thought. I think its a very good possibility.

 

[Icebearsmom]

WonkyNinja - in NY wage garnishments are automatic as soon as you have a court ordered agreement. It's another way for the state to unfairly take your money - they take 10% off the top before the money goes to the majorcustodial parent. Nice, huh? What's even better is they give the recipient the money on a debit card that looks exactly like a NYS food stamp card, so everyone assumes you are on welfare when you use it.

And he is an aeronautical engineer with a major government contractor. Or was. They just went through major layoffs and unfortunately he was one of the ones who got cut. I think his income may have been part of the reason he got cut. He became an employee of this company due to a merger and the salaries of his previous employer were quite a bit higher than standard. From what he said, it was primarily the people from his original employer that got the ax.

He seems to be thinking of not going back to the corporate world. Told me he was looking to pick up a nontenure university teaching position and start working on his PhD.

I'm seriously considering making him re-establishing a relationship with his other kids a requirement of my even thinking about staying in this marriage. Do you all think that is asking too much? I personally think it will say a lot about him if he refuses.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Thor]

He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am - furious that he could just leave his kids without making an effort to find out if they were his or not. And to have lied and hid this from me the entire time we've been together. And to spend money that should be used for our family if indeed those kids aren't his!

You have seen his "template" of what is ok within a marriage. He believes it was ok to manipulate you into marrying him by not knowing the truth about him and thus having a false picture of who he really was. He also believes it is ok to basically steal money from you. All that money he sent to her was half yours from a philosophical standpoint. You had every right to believe that you would remain married to him forever and that you would thus share in half his income for life (and he half yours, and you both share the risk of the down times).

Anyhow, he has shown you that he does not believe you had a right to know those things. My experience was similar in many ways with my stbxw who hid many big things from me before and during the marriage for the same reasons - she did not want me to make the decision to not be with her, and she did not believe I had any right to know about them if she didn't want me to know.

Unless and until your husband proves a complete and total change in his belief system, it will remain his belief system. You need to see hard proof over a good period of time that he has changed. I think you need to see him blowing snot bubbles crying at your feet begging you to stay, and verbalizing how terrible it was what he did. I've only seen that kind of remorse shown on this forum by a cheater once or twice. That is what is called "true remorse". Look up "false reconciliation" on this forum, somebody put up a good list.

If he doesn't truly change deep in his heart, he will surprise you again with betrayal in the future when he gets in a jam or is strongly lured.

I don't know what I'm most upset about - the years of lies and deceptions, the thousands of dollars of child support payments I never knew about, or the realization that if he could walk away from his 3 previous kids that easily, he could do the same to me and our son.

Those are all valid things to worry about.

After all the lies I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And yet I'm not sure this is worth leaving him over, either. Especially if he chooses to completely desert our son like he did his other children. I don't want my son growing up without his father in his life.

Yes it is worth leaving if you don't trust him. He is currently un-trustworthy. He has to prove beyond any doubt that he has changed and has become worthy of your trust. It just isn't worth staying with someone you can't trust 100%. BTDT for many years.

Divorce is always easier on the kids the younger they are. And your son can always have his father in his life even if divorced. It may even be much higher quality time after divorce.

My opinion is you talk to a counselor in real life, and talk to a lawyer about your rights in a divorce or annulment. His job loss is a complication, especially probably being where you are isn't a big tech hub with lots of jobs. Still, in general my advice ignoring that complication would be to file for divorce. Shock and awe. You can always stop the divorce process, but you have a long clock in NY state I believe. Nothing motivates like real consequences.

 

[EleGirl]

As far as doing more digging - what am I supposed to be looking for? The other woman also told me they had never been married during our phone conversation, and I don't see any reason why she would have lied to me, unlike him I can't see why she would have any reason to do so.

You need to look for any court case with his name on it. Most states have an online system where you can look up a person's name and all cases come up, civil and criminal, marriages, divorces, etc.

There should at least be a case for the child support. But who knows what might be out there since if there is something else, he's not likely to tell you.

If you want to give him a chance, you could encourage him to go to court to get 50% custody after dna tests prove that he is actually the father. He needs to find this out.

I would be very careful about talking to the mother of his children. Surely she knew that he married you and has another child. But she went along with his deception. Have no doubt that she knew this was going on. Sure he abandoned the kids. But my bet is that she did not do anything to bring him back into his kid's lives... you know like get the DNA tests herself to prove that he's the father.

I can see a guy really flipping out and losing his way to find out that his wife has been cheating and all 3 of the children are very likely not his.

do at least the court record search so that you know what there is out there and you find out on your own anything else he's lying about.

I would also pull his credit report. You might find other surprises there as well.

 

[Icebearsmom]

Elegirl - sounds good. I'll pull the credit report tomorrow. I'll also look into those online background check programs. Can anyone recommend a good one?

From what my husband told me, his ex GF ended up marrying the guy she was cheating on him with, and he has apparently been raising the kids. Which does make me wonder whose kids they are. For all I know she may indeed have caused all the issues he says she did. I don't trust her any more than I trust him. Doesn't change the fact that I want to know if my husband is the father of any or all of those kids. I believe that siblings have a right to know each other and be a part of each other's lives no matter what the family situation.

I am wondering why a couple of people here have suggested that he is too old for me? We are only 5 years apart that's normal and I know a lot of married couples with even more than that difference in their ages. I don't honestly believe that in general 28 is that much more life experienced than 23.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[frusdil]

And every time your sweet son asks for Da Da, remember that there were THREE other children also crying and asking for Da Da while he was denying their existence to start a new family with you. THAT'S the man you miss. The man who ABANDONED three children and their mother and then based his entire life and relationship with you on lies. For 5 years, no less. And it's not like he confessed. You found him out. What does that tell you?

^^This.

OP - he's ready to run again...you need to see a lawyer asap and organise a lien on your house, so he can't sell it from under you and do a runner with YOUR equity.

 

[TAMAT]

IBM,

I wrote what I wrote to you because your H can never lie to you again if you are to stay married to him and all his past ugliness needs to brought out to the light.

What you don't want to keep finding out more and more secrets and deceptions.

I've seen too many men who keep their wives in the dark until it is too late and they are bankrupt or the W has an STD.

Tamat

 

[*Deidre*]

Sounds like they're his kids, why would he be ''making payments'' if they weren't? I'd leave him, get an annulment...and move on. There is no way to really ''come back'' to a good place after such a huge lie like this. Not to mention, he's awful to abandon his kids like that, regardless of ''how bad'' he might make this woman out to be. Sorry this happened to you.

 

[EleGirl]

I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why he doesn't insist on the DNA testing to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income).

I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?

Well, if the two of you cannot make the house payment, then selling the house make sense... selling it to avoid foreclosure.

Are there jobs local where you live? Or does he need to look outside of the area where you live?

 

[EleGirl]

You cannot get an annulment. Look up the rules for annulments in your state.

You will need to get a divorce.

 

[Icebearsmom]

Actually there's no equity on the house we've only made about 15 months worth of payments and we're now two months behind. He wants to sell before the bank starts foreclosure proceedings. We should probably have saved more considering how much he was making, but as I said I am attending a very expensive university and he didn't want to take out student loans so we paid the tuition up front each semester. On top of which he paid off all the student loans I had prior to our marriage. Plus we both have pricey cars (I'll be selling mine if we divorce), and have been pretty big spenders which I'm already starting to regret. As if that weren't enough he's paying off a lawsuit for some serious property damage he caused when he was younger and had some drug use issues. The other party got a pretty hefty settlement out of it. Like a quarter million dollars paid out over a 10 year period. That's one of the most confusing things about all this to me. He never tried to hide the lawsuit from me (and the circumstances of it aren't pretty) so why hide the kids and the child support?
Posted via Mobile Device