Yes on the DNA, don't have any more kids with him, this is a horrible deception, you have grounds for an annulment, get a polygraph if you intend to stay married.

Tamat

 

WOW. Just, wow. This is absolutely a divorceable offense, in my opinion! Like you I cant decide which offense is the worst, lying to you this whole time or walking out on his children! Either one shows a character that most of us would not choose to be/stay with. I know personally, I could not live with this. I am so sorry you are here.

 

I feel terrible for all children involved in this.

If they are his children, he has a responsibility to help support them.

He also had a responsibility to be honest with you, before you were married.

I'm sorry for this revelation. Were I in your shoes, I know I could never forgive such a deception. Also, it says a lot about his character. Was he hoping to just wipe the slate clean and try again with you? It's a horrible thought and leaves his existing kids in the lurch. It is also VERY disrespectful to you.

Kind of irks me actually. It was a very selfish move.

 

He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am

This is a guy who hid his whole life from you. Of course he things you are making a big deal. He sounds like a sociopath. Staying with someone like this is a terrible terrible risk.

 

It would be IMPOSSIBLE to overreact to this! Holy crap.... the gall.....

 

You have a good reason to be concerned. You say, you are not sure this is worth leaving him over? I don’t know. Think about this. He had three children with this woman. He probably told her the same sweet nothings he tells you. They had a love life together. People like to feel they are special, I get it. But, individually, I don’t think we are all that special. What am I getting at? If he did that to her, why won’t he do it to you? Because what you two have is special? See where I going with this.

Not a big proponent of divorce. Too much of a painful experience from what I’ve read, heard, and seen (but never experienced, thank God). However, I don’t know how you will be able to trust anything he says after this discovery. You have to wonder, when you two reach the three children mark, will he do to you like he did to her?

Maybe you can talk to the baby mom. Find out what their relationship was like before he bailed on her. See if you see similarities in your own relationship. Then you’ll know without a doubt the same fate awaits you. It’s the best I can tell you. I personally think it is moot at this point to even second guess that he will do you the same as he did her. I only recommend this course because maybe it will give you some semblance of mind you move on with your life.

 

You have a good reason to be concerned. You say, you are not sure this is worth leaving him over? I don’t know. Think about this. He had three children with this woman. He probably told her the same sweet nothings he tells you. They had a love life together. People like to feel they are special, I get it. But, individually, I don’t think we are all that special. What am I getting at? If he did that to her, why won’t he do it to you? Because what you two have is special? See where I going with this.



Not a big proponent of divorce. Too much of a painful experience from what I’ve read, heard, and seen (but never experienced, thank God). However, I don’t know how you will be able to trust anything he says after this discovery. You have to wonder, when you two reach the three children mark, will he do to you like he did to her?



Maybe you can talk to the baby mom. Find out what their relationship was like before he bailed on her. See if you see similarities in your own relationship. Then you’ll know without a doubt the same fate awaits you. It’s the best I can tell you. I personally think it is moot at this point to even second guess that he will do you the same as he did her. I only recommend this course because maybe it will give you some semblance of mind you move on with your life.

Great advice



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In general I think someone's past before marriage is their own business, but not if that past has major present day effects, and his does.

He absolutely should have told you that he was supporting children - that is important both financially and in terms of time commitment. I don't think he needs to tell you about his past marriage - all you would get is a biased view anyway, but he has commitments that affect you.

If he really thinks the kid's aren't his, then he should have them DNA tested, but I expect he would have already done that if he wasn't sure.


I don't know what to recommend now. It was an unacceptable omission on his part to not tell you about this.

 

He wasn't married to her. Which seems strange to me considering he proposed to me after only 8 months together and HE was the one who insisted we move up the wedding date after we found out I was pregnant. He didn't want the baby to be born illegitimately. Yet he already had 3 illegitimate kids?

He swears he really loved her and the kids and that he only left because he was "seriously f'ed up" by the discovery that she had been cheating on him for so long that there was a good chance that none of the kids were his. He says he loved his kids and if they weren't his he didn't want to know. But if he loved them as much as he says surely he would have fought to stay in their lives!

His reasoning makes no sense to me and even if it did I don't know if I can get over the deception.

I do like the idea of contacting the ex and getting her side of the story. Of course I have no way to know if she is lying to me either. But honestly if she is raising my son'a half-siblings then I want to get to know her because I can't have any more kids so they're going to be the only siblings he will ever have.
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I do like the idea of contacting the ex and getting her side of the story. Of course I have no way to know if she is lying to me either. But honestly if she is raising my son'a half-siblings then I want to get to know her because I can't have any more kids so they're going to be the only siblings he will ever have.
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That’s true. What you could do is hear her story, then hear his, and match the two. Try to decipher the truth that way.

 

These are huge secrets to keep and he's keeping them for a reason. If the breakup of his prior relationship was his partners doing (are you sure that they weren't or aren't married?), then why keep it secret? If the kids weren't his, why not DNA them to find out for sure? He just sounds like a con man.

I don't know how you'd ever trust him again, but you should demand full transparency. Also, I'd start digging more if I were you. There's a good chance the lies don't end here.

 

Just been reading the $10,000 savings thread. Scares me half to death. It's bad enough that he's unemployed right now, at least he should be able to find another good job with his background. If I leave him now I will be a single mom with a part time low income job. As I understand it, his older kids get first dibs on child support so what he would have to pay me would be calculated based on what he's already paying his ex. And as long as he's unemployed he won't be paying anybody much of anything. I'm only 7 months away from finishing my Masters degree at which point I'll hopefully be able to get a job in my chosen field but at its best it's not a well paid field. I can't live with my parents for much longer as I don't feel that it is fair to them to have to support us. Perhaps I should have asked him to leave our house temporarily instead of me being the one to leave, but I was afraid if I asked him to leave he'd stop paying the mortgage. I have to hope he'll keep paying it as long as he is living there.

The other thing that scares me is that I moved out almost a week ago now and he hadn't made any attempt to contact me since 2 days after i left. I know I asked him for some space to think about this, but it already feels like he is distancing himself from us. After how he treated his other kids, it's hard not to worry when he's made no attempt in this past week to see our son. I just don't get it. He's been such an active, involved, loving father. In fact I've had other women tell me how lucky I am to have a husband who so obviously enjoys spending time with his child!

My dad made a comment to me that it seems to him that my husband simply isn't a fighter. He just quits when the going gets tough. I suppose if that's truly the case I'm probably better off without him. I'm just not ready to make that decision yet.

As far as doing more digging - what am I supposed to be looking for? The other woman also told me they had never been married during our phone conversation, and I don't see any reason why she would have lied to me, unlike him I can't see why she would have any reason to do so.
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As far as doing more digging - what am I supposed to be looking for? The other woman also told me they had never been married during our phone conversation, and I don't see any reason why she would have lied to me, unlike him I can't see why she would have any reason to do so.

You need to look for any court case with his name on it. Most states have an online system where you can look up a person's name and all cases come up, civil and criminal, marriages, divorces, etc.

There should at least be a case for the child support. But who knows what might be out there since if there is something else, he's not likely to tell you.

If you want to give him a chance, you could encourage him to go to court to get 50% custody after dna tests prove that he is actually the father. He needs to find this out.

I would be very careful about talking to the mother of his children. Surely she knew that he married you and has another child. But she went along with his deception. Have no doubt that she knew this was going on. Sure he abandoned the kids. But my bet is that she did not do anything to bring him back into his kid's lives... you know like get the DNA tests herself to prove that he's the father.

I can see a guy really flipping out and losing his way to find out that his wife has been cheating and all 3 of the children are very likely not his.

do at least the court record search so that you know what there is out there and you find out on your own anything else he's lying about.

I would also pull his credit report. You might find other surprises there as well.

 

Loss of trust equals loss of respect which equals divorce. Think about what else he is hiding from you or will hide from you in the future if you stay.

 

He is a dead beat dad, and that is putting it mildly. He is also a ticking time bomb. Just like he left and abandoned his other 3 kids. It will be extremely easy to leave your poor baby behind too. That is what dead beats do. Men are not the only ones that are dead beats though.

Try to protect yourself and your child. You cannot afford to go back to this guy. That bomb will explode in your face. Finish school. Take out loans or whatever you need to do to get your degree and earn a better living. Your first mistake was being very trusting of a man years older than you. He had to have had a past, most do!

Your second mistake is thinking that you can't leave him. How can you afford not to? You built your marriage and a partner for your child on very shaky ground. You can't afford to stay there as it is already crumbling beneath you. Why would you want to fall down deep in that pit?

You dodged that bullet. Don't go into that hole willingly ever again. Stop feeling bad for imposing on your parents. That is what family is for. You and your child need that stable, safe haven. They understand!

 

Go home, demand transparency & the truth. Work towards your degree. Gradually get yourself to the point where you can be financially independent of him. 7 months is nothing; it'll go by in a blink of an eye. Once you reach the point of being independent, then you can make a decision rationally instead of being based on anger.

 

He has always handled all the finances so I don't know too much about where the money goes. I've never seen his pay stubs or even our taxes other than to sign them. I trusted him to take care of it.

Not a good idea :wink2:

Well, about a week ago I overheard him arguing with someone on the phone. He was telling them that he'd lost his job and couldn't make "the payments." I was obviously concerned as I thought maybe he was talking to the bank about the mortgage. So I asked him about it and he told me not to worry he had it all under control. I wasn't convinced but he didn't want to talk about it so I let it go. Until 2 days later we got a call when he wasn't home, and some strange woman told me to "tell J I don't care if he lost his job or not, if he doesn't pay up on his full child support I'll see him in court."

I told her I thought she had the wrong number because my husband didn't have anyone he was paying child support to. She proceeded to give me proof, in detail, that he had been paying child support to her for longer than I'd known him, for their 3 Kids together! She told me they'd been together since he was like 16 years old and that they'd lived together for several years after high school. They had 3 kids one year apart from each other. She also told me he'd never once visited them since he'd walked out on her about 5 years ago. Her timeline for his leaving her had it happening only a matter of months before he started dating me. So much for his story about no serious past relationships!

It seems he was trying to elevate your position of importance to him, for reasons of impressing you and also by trying to erase a parental/financial/emotional history that might make him a less eligible bachelor.

I was in shock when I got off the phone. I went to his office and pulled out the files with his pay stubs that i had never looked at before (he didn't know I knew where he kept the key to his file cabinet). Sure enough, wage garnishments to the tune of $800 a month as far back as he was keeping the files. And yes, I'm aware I was something of a fool for never once asking him to show me our financial paperwork. Lesson learned.)

When he got home that night I confronted him.i was so upset I was almost hysterical. How could he have kept from me that he had an ex and 3 kids that he had basically abandoned? Not to mention that our son has 3 half siblings my husband apparently never intended to tell him about? And what kind of man just leaves his kids and makes no effort to see them for 5 years?

This is one of those things that I urge women to strongly consider. There is plenty of single mom bashing that goes around, implying character flaws, rather than seriously considering the runaway fathers.

It just isn't enough to consider having children with someone that one fell in love with. Individuals fall in love with losers all the time. The criteria for that "in-love" feeling isn't that stringent. We have to, then, inject an emotionally intelligent response, evaluating the objective reality of the future. There are signs that would lead one to reasonably suspect that xyz man is not a suitable candidate for sperm delivery (at the time).

He's tried very hard to put it all on his ex. Told me he found out she was cheating on him, had been cheating on him for years. He doesn't want to see the kids because he's not sure they are his. If that's the case, why not DNA them and end the child support payments?

Don't leave open-ended questions. Rest your mind and matter on the facts, not question marks.

"He could and should have verified paternity."

Or fight for partial custody if they were his? I asked him if he had any idea how much he had probably emotionally scarred those kids and he said his pain over her cheating was all he could think about when he left and by the time he'd recovered enough to face her she'd gone to court and gotten full custody on grounds of abandonment and he couldnt see the point in fighting for kids that might not even be his.

His suspicions don't fall in line with the fact that he felt it reasonable to pay child-support.

He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am - furious that he could just leave his kids without making an effort to find out if they were his or not. And to have lied and hid this from me the entire time we've been together. And to spend money that should be used for our family if indeed those kids aren't his!

Others, especially his partner, deserve to know. It is disrespectful (at minimum) to keep this concealed. You deserve the right to have chosen to not date him. You deserve the right to make the financial commitment to his previously conceived children. You deserve the right to decide whether you tie your credit to this man. You becoming upset is not an excuse for not disclosing his past. Someone that cannot disclose the truth, because it would hurt others' feelings is not a selfless act of empathy>sympathy, it is a selfish act, meant to limit his emotional discomfort.

I don't know what I'm most upset about - the years of lies and deceptions, the thousands of dollars of child support payments I never knew about, or the realization that if he could walk away from his 3 previous kids that easily, he could do the same to me and our son.

His present actions don't support his case very well. That doesn't mean he can't change.

I told him I needed time to think and process all this and the baby and I are staying with my parents for now. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. After all the lies I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And yet I'm not sure this is worth leaving him over, either. Especially if he chooses to completely desert our son like he did his other children. I don't want my son growing up without his father in his life.

You have to lay out reality to him, and let him choose his destiny. The current path just has him being selfishly defensive. Nowhere from your post was it obvious that he is using empathy>sympathy to realize the impact that his actions have had on you. He only used empathy to engage in a selfish conspiracy to protect his image and feelings.

I advise you to not drag an apology out of him; that'd be disingenuous and you'd not know his future intentions reliably. He has to bring himself to the table. If you are capable of it, you present reality to him and show him that there may be a future if he puts an action plan together.

He needs to address:

-how to reconcile the finances of his past, and what he plans to do in terms of fatherhood
-what the financial implications are on the present and future of your relationship
-how his deception and lies has eroded the trust in your relationship
-how he will take responsibility (not just accountability)

Again, see my 4-stage full apology

1. I am sorry
2. I did xyx, etc. etc. etc.
3. I plan to do ________ to rectify all of #2
4. Actions taken to prove it.

Nowhere in the 4-stage apology does "you" or "because" begin a sentence, and/or in this case "her" "them".

 

IBM,

I can't say for sure but....

From the sounds of what you wrote, please expect to uncover more lies, it's just what liars do prepare yourself to find out that...

He has various addictions you know nothing about, gambling, drugs, booze, go-go bars, prostitutes etc.

He spends money you know nothing about, or says his shoes were $100 when they are in fact $300.

He lies when there is no reason to lie just because that's what he does.

He lies about his achievements, which are actually just the retelling of real experiences people he know has told him.

Tamat

 

IBM,

I can't say for sure but....

From the sounds of what you wrote, please expect to uncover more lies, it's just what liars do prepare yourself to find out that...

He has various addictions you know nothing about, gambling, drugs, booze, go-go bars, prostitutes etc.

He spends money you know nothing about, or says his shoes were $100 when they are in fact $300.

He lies when there is no reason to lie just because that's what he does.

He lies about his achievements, which are actually just the retelling of real experiences people he know has told him.

Tamat

You said it .... you can't say for sure.

Why just make up a load of unrelated stuff? OP has more than enough on her plate for any person to handle without you pulling stuff out the blue that he could also be doing. There's a million other things that anyone could be doing.

How about sticking to the known stuff and trying to give her some helpful advice.

 

No offense TAMAT but I don't think this one situation means he is a pathological liar! And I don't see how he could be doing a lot of those things anyway considering we are together almost 100% of the time we are not at work. It makes this separation that much harder - I really miss him and our son keeps asking for Da Da.
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And every time your sweet son asks for Da Da, remember that there were THREE other children also crying and asking for Da Da while he was denying their existence to start a new family with you. THAT'S the man you miss. The man who ABANDONED three children and their mother and then based his entire life and relationship with you on lies. For 5 years, no less. And it's not like he confessed. You found him out. What does that tell you?

 

I don't think you will find anybody here who will recommend maintaining this relationship. Thank about that. Generally we are a diverse bunch. We generally don't agree on anything. We agree on this. This is not a man worth keeping.

 

When I was 16 I met my exH. We casually dated, really we were FWB, and I had a birth control failure and became pregnant at 17. In my 7th month, I was looking through a drawer for something and found child support papers with his name on them. I had no idea he had a kid! He swore the papers were wrong, that he was named father by default. In our state, if a woman names a man father and he refuses to appear in court for testing, he is named by default. So, it was believable. I have a suspicious mind, so I let it drop and then went snooping when he left for the evening to go do God knows what. I found the DNA test results in another drawer. It was confirmed his child more than a year before.

I got the spiel about how he didn't see his son because he thought his ONS's state Senator father rigged the test. Yeah, right. Although true the baby's maternal grandfather was a state Senator, why on Earth would such a man arrange for a false paternity test to name a broke 20 year old from a poor family the daddy??

We talked, he swore he wasn't like that anymore, yadda yadda. I was close to giving birth, so what could I do, right?

Less than a month later I got a call from a lady named K who wanted to let me know that she also had a child by him that he had been neglecting. Sure enough, I went looking through his parents house (where we were living) and found another set of child support papers for that baby.

I'll skip the long and complicated bits, but I married him for the sake of my kid when she was born. Had another birth control method fail and got pregnant with another daughter. Finally left him when the oldest was 6 and the youngest 1. For all the times he swore that he would never abandon his girls and how it was different because we'd been married, wanna guess how many times he has seen them or paid support since we divorced in 2002? Zero support paid and he has seen the girls less than a handful of times over a the last nearly 15 years.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have gone back home to live with my parents, busted my azz to get a degree, and then gone on my own as a single mother.

Consult a lawyer. You might be surprised.

 

You might want to consider taking a course in accounting. This man siphoned off $19,200 in just two short years of marriage. That is financial infidelity. Will you ever be able to trust him with a bank account or credit card, again?

 

I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why he doesn't insist on the DNA testing to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income).

I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?
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I've about come to the conclusion that the money doesn't bother me. At least not that much. If the kids are indeed his, they deserve his support, and I am glad he at least did the right thing in financially supporting them. And it's not like I missed the money since it was never there. $800 a month isn't that much when you're making what he was. Now, yes, it's a problem since he's unemployed. But he's already planning on asking for a reduction until he gets another job. What I still fail to understand is why he doesn't insist on the DNA testing to see if he can stop having to pay some or even all of it. I can't help but wonder if maybe my father is right and he's just too lazy to be bothered. It's easier to maintain the status quo (until the status quo becomes a problem like $800/month child support on unemployment as only income).

I texted him this afternoon that I was concerned that I hadn't heard from him. Apparently he's been out of state interviewing for a couple of jobs in New England. He also informed me that he's talking to a realtor about putting our house on the market since we can't afford the mortgage anymore. He's probably right but it would have been nice if he'd discussed it with me first. I have to admit it seems like he's in an awful rush to uproot himself. Wonder if he's considered how much harder that will be with a wife instead of just a girlfriend?
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No. That was a court judgement that was garnished from his paycheck directly, he didn't exactly stand up and do the right thing. I may be wrong but I think you have to miss a sh1t load of payments before it gets to court ordered garnishments.

Didn't you said he was an engineer? I'm an engineer too. Do you know how fricking pedantic we are about being right? I think your father is being a little too kind to him, there is only one reason he didn't get DNA tested and that is because he knew there was no point.

Your last paragraph sounds like he's starting to bail. What does being out of state have to do with no contact? I really think you need to see a lawyer asap. You may be needing someone to legally grab any funds from the house sale.

BTW what sort of engineer is he that $800/mo isn't much compared to what he was making? I think I'm in the wrong branch of engineering.

 

First off, I am sorry you are in this situation. It must be a nightmare.

you need to know that just because your husband will ask for a reduction in child support does not mean he will get it. Do not hang your hat on that. have you ever thought that he is lying about his baby mama cheating? That would go hand-in-hand as to why he is not pushing the DNA testing. Because he knows they are his. Because she did not cheat. I'm not saying that happened, but you might want to think along those lines as well.

I agree with the others who said that you need to talk to her about it. And I think most important, you need to consult with a lawyer. Just to figure out what your rights are.

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First off, I am sorry you are in this situation. It must be a nightmare.

you need to know that just because your husband will ask for a reduction in child support does not mean he will get it. Do not hang your hat on that. have you ever thought that he is lying about his baby mama cheating? That would go hand-in-hand as to why he is not pushing the DNA testing. Because he knows they are his. Because she did not cheat. I'm not saying that happened, but you might want to think along those lines as well.

I agree with the others who said that you need to talk to her about it. And I think most important, you need to consult with a lawyer. Just to figure out what your rights are.

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I had this exact thought. I think its a very good possibility.

 

I have a somewhat unrelated question. Do I have the right to request the children be DNA tested if he won't do it? Nothing to do with the child support, but because it's really important to me to know if these kids are indeed related to my child. Unless their mother really is the psycho ***** my husband made her out to be, I'd like them to be a part of our lives in the future if they really are half siblings.

There is a part of me that wishes he had just kept lying and told me he didn't see his kids because his ex wouldn't let him. I'd still be pissed about the lies but I'd probably have ended up feeling sorry for him and letting it go. Knowing he walked away from his family willingly and never looked back is so much harder to forgive.

Can anyone give me an idea of what I can expect financially if I decide to divorce him? We've only been married 2 years and I've always worked but never contributed financially to our household - all my money has gone into my college expenses. And actually he's paid for a good chunk of my college tuition as well, because he didn't want me to end up with massive student loans. The school I am attending is costing about $8000 per semester and I have one semester left to pay for. I hope I don't come across as money crazy it's just that it's really important that I finish my masters degree because it's ABSOLUTELY required in my chosen field to land even an entry level position. And it's the only job I've ever wanted to do since I was about 8 years old.
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I have a somewhat unrelated question. Do I have the right to request the children be DNA tested if he won't do it? Nothing to do with the child support, but because it's really important to me to know if these kids are indeed related to my child. Unless their mother really is the psycho ***** my husband made her out to be, I'd like them to be a part of our lives in the future if they really are half siblings.

There is a part of me that wishes he had just kept lying and told me he didn't see his kids because his ex wouldn't let him. I'd still be pissed about the lies but I'd probably have ended up feeling sorry for him and letting it go. Knowing he walked away from his family willingly and never looked back is so much harder to forgive.

Can anyone give me an idea of what I can expect financially if I decide to divorce him? We've only been married 2 years and I've always worked but never contributed financially to our household - all my money has gone into my college expenses. And actually he's paid for a good chunk of my college tuition as well, because he didn't want me to end up with massive student loans. The school I am attending is costing about $8000 per semester and I have one semester left to pay for. I hope I don't come across as money crazy it's just that it's really important that I finish my masters degree because it's ABSOLUTELY required in my chosen field to land even an entry level position. And it's the only job I've ever wanted to do since I was about 8 years old.

You can ask for interim spousal support while the divorce is in progress. You can also ask for child support.

You might be able to get temporary/rehabilitative spousal support (alimony) after the divorce for about half the length of your marriage. You are entitled to 50% of all assets accrued during the marriage.
Until he gets a job, there is not a lot that you will get.

You might be better off waiting until he gets a job to file for divorce. Or maybe you can get financial aid and loans for finish your degree.

You might want to get a book on divorce in your state. Amazon has some.

 

WonkyNinja - in NY wage garnishments are automatic as soon as you have a court ordered agreement. It's another way for the state to unfairly take your money - they take 10% off the top before the money goes to the majorcustodial parent. Nice, huh? What's even better is they give the recipient the money on a debit card that looks exactly like a NYS food stamp card, so everyone assumes you are on welfare when you use it.

And he is an aeronautical engineer with a major government contractor. Or was. They just went through major layoffs and unfortunately he was one of the ones who got cut. I think his income may have been part of the reason he got cut. He became an employee of this company due to a merger and the salaries of his previous employer were quite a bit higher than standard. From what he said, it was primarily the people from his original employer that got the ax.

He seems to be thinking of not going back to the corporate world. Told me he was looking to pick up a nontenure university teaching position and start working on his PhD.

I'm seriously considering making him re-establishing a relationship with his other kids a requirement of my even thinking about staying in this marriage. Do you all think that is asking too much? I personally think it will say a lot about him if he refuses.
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He thinks I'm over reacting to this. He says he never told me because he was afraid I'd react exactly the way I am - furious that he could just leave his kids without making an effort to find out if they were his or not. And to have lied and hid this from me the entire time we've been together. And to spend money that should be used for our family if indeed those kids aren't his!

You have seen his "template" of what is ok within a marriage. He believes it was ok to manipulate you into marrying him by not knowing the truth about him and thus having a false picture of who he really was. He also believes it is ok to basically steal money from you. All that money he sent to her was half yours from a philosophical standpoint. You had every right to believe that you would remain married to him forever and that you would thus share in half his income for life (and he half yours, and you both share the risk of the down times).

Anyhow, he has shown you that he does not believe you had a right to know those things. My experience was similar in many ways with my stbxw who hid many big things from me before and during the marriage for the same reasons - she did not want me to make the decision to not be with her, and she did not believe I had any right to know about them if she didn't want me to know.

Unless and until your husband proves a complete and total change in his belief system, it will remain his belief system. You need to see hard proof over a good period of time that he has changed. I think you need to see him blowing snot bubbles crying at your feet begging you to stay, and verbalizing how terrible it was what he did. I've only seen that kind of remorse shown on this forum by a cheater once or twice. That is what is called "true remorse". Look up "false reconciliation" on this forum, somebody put up a good list.

If he doesn't truly change deep in his heart, he will surprise you again with betrayal in the future when he gets in a jam or is strongly lured.

I don't know what I'm most upset about - the years of lies and deceptions, the thousands of dollars of child support payments I never knew about, or the realization that if he could walk away from his 3 previous kids that easily, he could do the same to me and our son.

Those are all valid things to worry about.

After all the lies I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And yet I'm not sure this is worth leaving him over, either. Especially if he chooses to completely desert our son like he did his other children. I don't want my son growing up without his father in his life.

Yes it is worth leaving if you don't trust him. He is currently un-trustworthy. He has to prove beyond any doubt that he has changed and has become worthy of your trust. It just isn't worth staying with someone you can't trust 100%. BTDT for many years.

Divorce is always easier on the kids the younger they are. And your son can always have his father in his life even if divorced. It may even be much higher quality time after divorce.

My opinion is you talk to a counselor in real life, and talk to a lawyer about your rights in a divorce or annulment. His job loss is a complication, especially probably being where you are isn't a big tech hub with lots of jobs. Still, in general my advice ignoring that complication would be to file for divorce. Shock and awe. You can always stop the divorce process, but you have a long clock in NY state I believe. Nothing motivates like real consequences.

 

Elegirl - sounds good. I'll pull the credit report tomorrow. I'll also look into those online background check programs. Can anyone recommend a good one?

From what my husband told me, his ex GF ended up marrying the guy she was cheating on him with, and he has apparently been raising the kids. Which does make me wonder whose kids they are. For all I know she may indeed have caused all the issues he says she did. I don't trust her any more than I trust him. Doesn't change the fact that I want to know if my husband is the father of any or all of those kids. I believe that siblings have a right to know each other and be a part of each other's lives no matter what the family situation.

I am wondering why a couple of people here have suggested that he is too old for me? We are only 5 years apart that's normal and I know a lot of married couples with even more than that difference in their ages. I don't honestly believe that in general 28 is that much more life experienced than 23.
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