[Ind.Learner]

About us: newlyweds, 19 and 20 years old.

Yes, I know we're young. This thread isn't about how young we are; it's about helping another human being.

My husband has admitted to me that he is moderately addicted to hentai (Japanese anime/cartoon porn) (more addicted to this than regular live-action porn). He has probably developed this addiction over 5-8 years. We don't have much privacy so we have to stay in the same bedroom so he watches it when I'm around so we are very open about it. I don't think he's that ashamed, HOWEVER, there are other issues that come from this.

While reading things from other people who are in a similar situation I noticed a few common trends that are also applicable in our circumstance, too:

1. Lack of intimacy while having sex... Basically the addict just wants to have sex "on command" like porn/hentai has allowed him. There isn't ANY foreplay or intimacy.
2. Using hentai/porn as a stress release... much like a ciggarette break. Also, he isn't even horny. He just wants to expand his collection of hentais like it's a game.
3. Often feels "in the mood" for hentai girls rather than live girls... I think you can imagine how this affects a marriage
4. Has high real-life expectations... because he wants the real-life sex to be as exhilarating as the online version. He finds me overly homely looking during sex... he is so accustomed to sexy lingerie/costumes that regular clothes aren't satisfactory

If you are still reading this... I want to thank you for your interest, but I have something to ask of you... do you have any thoughts/opinions on how to overcome this addiction/obsession? Our sex life is minimal (no orgasms) and we have little intimacy. Any thoughts are welcomed.

You can stop reading here~
but I would like to clarify something.
If you look at my last post, I thought that he might have a Madonna/***** complex but I think our sexual issues lie in this dependency.

 

[Ind.Learner]

Oh, I should add that we agreed NO PORN for a month a few days ago. Today he got frustrated with the agreement and opted to go to sleep really early instead of deal with his urges.

So... I felt that I might need a little bit more help from those who might have experienced something like this themselves or know anything about it...

 

[blue_sky]

Your husband has an addiction and because of his addiction you both have a serious marital problem. A mutually healthy sexual relationship is one of the backbones of a healthy, rewarding and stable marriage. You both need the assistance of a personal counselor. You, to deal with your feelings of emotional rejection and intimate abandonment by your husband due to his porn addiction. And your husband needs counseling to deal with his porn addiction and guidance on how to build a meaningful, loving, intimate marital relationship with a REAL woman, in the REAL world - not a cartoon. Best wishes, you both have a long road in front of you.

 

[Chris Taylor]

No addiction stops overnight and you can't stop it without being involved. next time he's watching his porn, watch with him and try to SLOWLY come between him and his porn in a sexual way (like maybe just giving him a BJ while he is watching). Next time, try to get him physically involved with you while watching.

What you are trying to do is for him to associate the sexual pleasure of you with the pleasure of watching the porn. Gradually, there is more of you and less of the porn until his pleasure is derived from the real thing and not cartoons.

 

[Chris Taylor]

p.s. He's immature.

 

[mrsk2007]

I'm sorry whats going on. My husband has the same issue (live-porn addiction) and I don't have any tips for making him stop but I did want you to know that my marriage sounds just like yours. My husband and I are you and have been married for 5 years and since my husband was 15 years old has been addicted to porn. No fore-play, I am left feeling emotionally unfulfilled and low self-esteem cause he wants our sex lives to be like the porn he watches.

So I just wanted you to know to hang in there and definitely get into counseling cause it can definitely cause major issues if not dealt with now

 

[Po12345]

I've been working on my issues with porn, using it less and less in the last year. It was a commitment I made to my wife. Part of my issue was that I used masturbation as a stress reliever, and found porn helpful in that regard. Another big part of the issue is that I was raised in a very religious household where masturbation was treated as a horrible thing to do, so I would feel shamed if my wife caught me doing it, which contributed even more to the stress it caused on our marriage. She said it made her feel ashamed, unattractive, unloved, and neglected.

My wife helped out in a big way when she told me that she wanted me to do this while laying in bed with her, that it was actually a turn on, rather than wondering if I was doing it somewhere else in front of a computer screen. It is still difficult for me to do this though, because of the long term shame associated with it. I am also working hard to find other ways to deal with my stress. I am not perfect, but I am actually happy that I am not using porn 4 or 5 times a week just to 'get by'. My goal is to one day never have to have a use for it again.

And, I know a lot of people believe porn can be a healthy outlet in a marriage, I just don't agree. That's my personal opinion, not a condemnation of those who do use it. I've just seen a lot of the problems it causes, and I know how much I seem to have relied on it, ever since I was a teenager.

 

[devin621]

It's great that he agreed to stop using it for a month, but I'm worried that it won't last unless he replaces the habit with another thing.

Why is he using porn? It sounds like part of it is related to building a collection...what else could he collect that'd be more constructive?

 

[apoc]

Well, I may be the only guy on the planet then that only enjoys porn while single w/ no one liking me but gives it up as soon as I start dating, never mind if I'm in a relationship.

I'm 20 and single, but this is my two cents to you OP.

I have an ex that I found out enjoyed a Lot of porn behind my back because the depth of the relationship is that I was her meal ticket and the guy she really wanted to get it on with was still in jail (wasn't a first time). I felt very devalued as a person.

But if your man honestly cares about you, you can break addiction in time. Some people say that addiction doesn't go away overnight, but I call bull s-h-i-t. I've quit drugs and had a terrible time, but you either quit at once or else wise the activity persists, just in moderation. I believe, honestly, have him quit cold turkey. Just have one day where he gets all the nasty he wants but tell him that once that day is over, no more. ALL the naughties get deleted and if he doesn't delete them, he honestly isn't worth your time.

Most every single guy that I know that torques their torpedo to hentai does it because they don't believe they can perform well in real life (hence it's a stress release). I know some gals have cut throat expectations (hence a lot of times I had fantastically bad performance anxiety around my ex) but some make sexy time a place to do whatever, and it's just really fun. Try that, for step 1. Just release all the expectations. Or hell, maybe he goes to look it up, straddle him in his chair. Outside of the obvious physical side, he should see the value you put in him later on.

On the same token though, if he expects lingerie and the French maid everyday, sneezus rice what da fuq. I'm ecstatic for normal or even better, no clothes. The idea of fashion is b.s. because women look best wearing NOTHING. >: D alright I'll try not to be too facetious.

But seriously, I do have a female friend in the same exact spot, and unfortunately for her his porn viewing hasn't gone down any since it started because she didn't place any firm demands or really push back to try to change the behavior.

In all honesty, just try that. Get your ta-ta's all up in his grill when he goes to look at it and tell him to appreciate what he's got. Ask him why the flippant f' he expects fancy lingerie and all that for sex everytime because that's well beyond me. But then again, I also believe in heavy kissing and intimacy during sex and the two gals I have been with screamed in a good way by the end of things. >.> so maybe I'm just weird, or doing something right or wrong, in believing that clothing doesn't matter because the objective is to get naked and have all kinds of fun.

Really though, best of luck, and do update.

 

[Kiiro_Kitsune]

I have a hentai addiction.
I was raised from the perspective that there is nothing wrong with enjoying porn. So I started looking at it freely when I was a teenager. I prefer animated hentai to real girls. I am not ashamed of my taste for hentai, or my desire to look at it.

I AM ashamed however, of my unacceptable behavior lately. My wife is NOT tolerant of porn, and doesn't think it's OK for me to look at it. So I lied to her and told her I wasn't looking at it, but I still was. I tried making a sacrifice for her, and tried quitting hentai, and I even found some success for various periods of time, but I still end up going back to it. Instead of being open and sharing my needs and feelings with her, I went behind her back and lied about looking at porn.

She caught me red-handed last week, and confronted me about my porn and drinking habits, which I very reluctantly admitted to. This past week has been one of the darkest and hardest weeks of my life. I'm thankful that she caught me though. I was in a dark place even before this incident (and this put her in a dark place too.) I used hentai as a stress relief and put a distance in between her and I. I left her feeling neglected when she needed me. If she hadn't caught me last week, I'd be drunk right now, looking at hentai behind her back, still in the same lonely dark place I was in before.

Now I'm taking steps to change my ways, which means that I can also take steps to repair the damage I have done to our relationship. I went to my first AA meeting today, and I am one week sober. I also have not looked at or sought any porn or hentai for the past week. I'm happy about being sober, and I really think I'll be OK without drinking from now on, with the support of AA and my family. The hentai however, I'm worried about. I don't know how I am going to quit, or to be OK living without. I'll try my best to stay away from it, but I feel that at some point I will slip and do it anyways. I only hope that at that point I have the courage to confront my own problem, be honest, and TELL my wife I slipped rather than let her find out about it on her own.

Honesty is the key to a happy and lasting marriage, and I violated that principle. I feel horrible and I've been beating myself up emotionally about it for a long time. I have a truly amazing, loving, beautiful wife who is willing to stick by me as long as I get the help I need to change my habits. I'm still terrified that since I still want/need hentai at least on occasion, I wont really be able to quit for good like she needs me to.

You're not alone. I really don't know what the future holds, but all we can do is be honest with ourselves and those we love. Together we can work to solve our problems and enjoy lasting and meaningful relationships together with our partners.

 

[shakirah]

You have to talk to him and establish a good relationship and tell him that you doesn't like that he is watching that hentai.

 

[Manas]

[*]Often feels "in the mood" for hentai girls rather than live girls... I think you can imagine how this affects a marriage
[*]Has high real-life expectations... because he wants the real-life sex to be as exhilarating as the online version. He finds me overly homely looking during sex... he is so accustomed to sexy lingerie/costumes that regular clothes aren't satisfactory
[/LIST]

Has he said so himself or have you inferred it?

 

[Lon]

It's great that he agreed to stop using it for a month, but I'm worried that it won't last unless he replaces the habit with another thing.

I think the goal here is for him to replace it with the real thing.

My question to the OP is if he overcomes this obsession and if it changes (increases) the frequency of your sex life are you prepared? Is more sex something you want - I think part of overcoming a porn/masturbation obsession means eventually having a healthier sex life and so far for your entire relationship his sex drive has been coming from another source, so if he is able to overcome it it will change the dynamic - it should improve it but it will probably be different and you have to be ready for that change - it will mean having more sex when you want but I think it may also mean being more available (in case that is a potential issue).

Also if he has had this obsession his whole post-pubescent life it will take him a while to get his healthy sex drive back - atleast 6 months where he may have lack of interest and performance issues. He has to want to quit for himself and not just for you else he will slip and just make this obsession more secretive.

A really interesting lecture about this that has motivate me to stop using porn for my own sexual health:
Watch "TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment" Video at TEDxTalks