[daisygirl 41]

As in my title my H has no friends. This is by choice. He isn't very tolerant of others. He gets on ok with my friends and their Hs and will attend social gatherings as a couple.
He says he doesn't need friends and he is quite happy with his own company.
Is this normal?
He had an EA. turned PA last year. We are 6 months into R and we are doing really well. I just worry I'm not enough for him?
He has a lot of interest, working out, politics, reading etc and we do a lot together as a couple and he's great with the kids.
Any thoughts? Am I worrying about nothing?
Thanks all.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Stonewall]

I wouldn't worry about it. I really don't have any either nor do I care to. I love my wife and want to be around her and the family but other than that I'm a loner. I just don't like people I guess.

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

Some people are not that social. I'm one of those people as well. My husband has put his old friends aside and only sees them once or twice a year. He likes to stay home with me. I, too, have many interests inside my home. I'd prefer to be alone then around others.

 

[40isthenew20]

When I was younger I had tos of guys I always hung out with. Thst dwindled when I got married because we didn't live as close to one another. But we always went out on one of our birthdays for drinks somewhere in the middle.

As the years passed, that became less frequent. Now I may see or even speak to them only once a year. We all have families and busy lives with work. So it's bound to happen.

I hate talking on the phone so that isn't always a good option. Guys are like that- we can go a year without touching base and when we do, it's like old times.

No big deal.

 

[LearninAsWeGo]

I think this is a legit concern. It's not really normal.

If you read 7 habits of highly effective people, it talks about different "centers" in people's lives. I tend to think it's dead on, and it's the best $5 you ever spent on half.com . If all of the friends are "our friends," then he's probably either centered on spouse, on kids... or centered on self (much more likely if he had an affair). If he's centered on you, then he will be jealous of your friendships, see them as competition, and be unhappy. If he's kids centered, that's ok, but it will put space between you since he won't get his adult conversation and empathy/socialization needs met. If he's centered on himself, then he's likely to reach out for affairs in times of depression or loneliness. Either is no good obviously.

That said, there's a difference between real friends, and work friends and drinking buddies. I'd much rather have 2 or 3 good friends than dozens of chummy work pals or guys who I can go get drunk with. It's possible he grew apart from his old friends (either goals/values or just geographic). If so, he needs to get social hobbies like bowling league, softball, church mens retreat, etc. Have him take the kids to sports games or school events, and the networking is very easy and natural. Think of the animal kingdom: the males largely hunt and group together, and the females and young do their thing. They intermingle, but it's not natural to always be without same gender relationships. As a man, I can tell you that I'll never have nearly as much in common with any woman as I do with my longtime guy friends.

GL

 

[Pinkme]

My H sounds exactly like yours. Mine is a bit reserved and I am out going and very social. He likes to stay home and do things with our kids and I. He socializes with my friends husbands and we do go out and ride 4 wheelers, fishing, activities etc. But he will not go out of his way to plan an activity with friends.

 

[ATC529R]

My H sounds exactly like yours. Mine is a bit reserved and I am out going and very social. He likes to stay home and do things with our kids and I. He socializes with my friends husbands and we do go out and ride 4 wheelers, fishing, activities etc. But he will not go out of his way to plan an activity with friends.

this.....

It's perfectly normal.

 

[naga75]

When I was younger I had tos of guys I always hung out with. Thst dwindled when I got married because we didn't live as close to one another. But we always went out on one of our birthdays for drinks somewhere in the middle.

As the years passed, that became less frequent. Now I may see or even speak to them only once a year. We all have families and busy lives with work. So it's bound to happen.

I hate talking on the phone so that isn't always a good option. Guys are like that- we can go a year without touching base and when we do, it's like old times.

No big deal.

:iagree:
this.
i do not have many friends that i see on a constant basis. none, really.
a couple that live/work out of town and when they come back we will hang out and have dinner and a few beers so on and so forth.
i have do have a recreational softball team that i play with on a weekly basis.
but like 40 says, as you get older and have kids and work etc etc, all the "guys nights" and all that jazz become rather unimportant as i rarely have time to pursue my own endeavors, let alone anyone elses.
i think its a good thing to be totally involved with your family first and foremost. friends are secondary to that.

 

[jaquen]

As in my title my H has no friends.
...Is this normal?
He had an EA. turned PA last year. We are 6 months into R and we are doing really well. I just worry I'm not enough for him?
He has a lot of interest, working out, politics, reading etc and we do a lot together as a couple and he's great with the kids.
Any thoughts? Am I worrying about nothing?
Thanks all.
Posted via Mobile Device

The majority of the posts from the men on this board you're going to get will tell you that it's no big deal. In my experience TAM is the land of friendless men. There is a topic on this board where a large section of TAM husbands admit that they are pretty friendless, and most don't seem to have a problem with it.

Friends are extraordinarily important to me, and my wife. I think it's very odd for a person not to have at least one true, real friend. I don't want to think about my life in terms of the kind of friendless existence that is typical for a lot of men, at least as seen here on TAM.

But there's nothing you can really do about this. If your husband doesn't really like people in general, and is making no efforts to infuse his life with friendship, than your worrying is in vain. It ain't gonna happen until/unless it happens.

 

[naga75]

i have a couple friends like that, jaquen.
i just dont place their importance ahead of my family's importance or my responsibility.
i dunno. i guess i just dont have very much free time between working, upkeep of the ranch and working/building things around the house to really pursue deep friendships.
but like 40 says, when we see each other its like we hung out last week. and these are friends that live 1500 miles away that i see maybe once every couple years. those are real friends.

 

[jaquen]

i have a couple friends like that, jaquen.
i just dont place their importance ahead of my family's importance or my responsibility.
i dunno. i guess i just dont have very much free time between working, upkeep of the ranch and working/building things around the house to really pursue deep friendships.
but like 40 says, when we see each other its like we hung out last week. and these are friends that live 1500 miles away that i see maybe once every couple years. those are real friends.

This doesn't seem like a friendless existence to me at all. You have real friends, life circumstances make it tough to see one another regularly, but when you get together it's all good. That's real friendship.

Also, a real friend wouldn't really expect you to put the friendship ahead of your family, or your responsibilities.

I will admit, it helps that we don't have kids together. That allows both of us more time to keep in contact with friends. Most of us live busy lives, so neither of us are in constant physical contact with friends (even though I have a lot of them). But with our best friends, of which we both have a few, we do text and online chat with them regularly, several times a week. Those are the people who have basically moved beyond mere basic level friendship and have become essentially family.

 

[naga75]

exactly, jaquen.

so, OP...he has no friends, WHATSOEVER?
like, none? no one he sees or talks to outside of your friends husbands?
if so, yes i might take that as odd, but thats just me. im essentially a loner in everyday life but i do have friends, as jaquen and i have stated, that i reconnect with on occasion.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

While this may be normal these days, it is certainly not optimal. Every man needs some kind of trustworthy male input and isolating oneself from this will cause an out of balance condition and that is not going to end well. Work with him and encourage him to find something he can do with other men at least once a week. Try your local Big Brothers chapter

 

[aston]

As in my title my H has no friends. This is by choice. He isn't very tolerant of others. He gets on ok with my friends and their Hs and will attend social gatherings as a couple.
He says he doesn't need friends and he is quite happy with his own company.
Is this normal?
He had an EA. turned PA last year. We are 6 months into R and we are doing really well. I just worry I'm not enough for him?
He has a lot of interest, working out, politics, reading etc and we do a lot together as a couple and he's great with the kids.
Any thoughts? Am I worrying about nothing?
Thanks all.
Posted via Mobile Device

Sorry to hear that. It seems like his lack of cultivating healthy friendships might cost him his relationship with you.
Has he considered seeing a therapist? Is it a phobia of some kind?

 

[Lon]

There is another thread about this subject and it seems most guys on here have let their past frienships fizzle and haven't made many new ones in their place. I think it is "normal" I don't think it is entirely healthy. But the demands of being a modern man seems to manifest as somehow becoming without many friends to do guy things with.

 

[daisygirl 41]

exactly, jaquen.

so, OP...he has no friends, WHATSOEVER?
like, none? no one he sees or talks to outside of your friends husbands?
if so, yes i might take that as odd, but thats just me. im essentially a loner in everyday life but i do have friends, as jaquen and i have stated, that i reconnect with on occasion.

No he has no other friends. When we met he was in the military and had some good friends but didn't keep in touch with them when he left. He always says nobody matches up to the men he was friends with there. Which I can understand in way.
He left the army 17 years ago and settled in my home town. His dad lives 400 mile away and he has 2 sisters who he doesn't speak to.
He's always said he didn't need anyone but me and the kids, which was fine, I accepted it and glad he wasn't a gut to go out drinking and staying out late. He'd rather watch the sport at home and enjoys solitary/ family pastimes. Which never bothered me and it DOESN'T really bother me now, but as a poster pointed out earlier, because he hasn't got ANYONE else, when our marriage was going through a bad patch he didn't have anyone to turn too and so his unhealthy friendship started.

We've been through a lot this last 18 months. Hs A combined with some kind of MLC/breakdown but we really are getting to a good place again now, but I just wonder if Ihe needs more then me and the kids? He says no, so I suppose I have to except it.

He won't go to counselling. His therapy is taking the dogs on a 2 hour walk!

Thankyou all for you input. I really appreciate it and as I can see opinions differ on this subject!
DG
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[daisygirl 41]

Sorry to hear that. It seems like his lack of cultivating healthy friendships might cost him his relationship with you.
Has he considered seeing a therapist? Is it a phobia of some kind?

Our reconciliation is in a good place now Aston but I agree with you on the healthy friendship thing! He turned to a female co worker when we were having problems and we've just been through 18 months of hell because of it!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[jaquen]

While this may be normal these days, it is certainly not optimal. Every man needs some kind of trustworthy male input and isolating oneself from this will cause an out of balance condition and that is not going to end well. Work with him and encourage him to find something he can do with other men at least once a week. Try your local Big Brothers chapter

It is such a strange, relatively new, Western concept, this idea that men are to forsake the friendship and companionship of other men for the sake of making his wife, and children, the focal point of his entire social existence.

In most societies, throughout history, including many modern ones, men spent a large chunk of their days in social contact with other men. It is how men have always been. This new notion, of the female centric male, is...odd. It seems to be a combination of the shift toward a more feminized culture, along with the overall degradation of community.

 

[naga75]

He won't go to counselling. His therapy is taking the dogs on a 2 hour walk!


Posted via Mobile Device

i can understand this.
my therapy is saddling my youngest horse and working her.
she always helps me get my head on straight. unless she is being hard headed. lol.

 

[jaquen]

There is another thread about this subject and it seems most guys on here have let their past frienships fizzle and haven't made many new ones in their place. I think it is "normal" I don't think it is entirely healthy. But the demands of being a modern man seems to manifest as somehow becoming without many friends to do guy things with.

Yes.

It also seems to be regional as well. I live in New York City. It seems that everyone I know here has a good deal of friends. I have a lot of friends, some of them I'd consider very close, as do all of them. Not sure I know a person, married or single, here in the city who doesn't have friends.

The TAM thread you're referencing was a huge eye opener for me.