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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
To preface, husband and I have been together for three years, married for four months, and we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. We both work full time but are happy.

That being said, I'm not satisfied with our sex life. In the beginning, we had regular sex, almost every day. After I was pregnant, that dwindled down to once, maybe twice a week. So I figured it was the pregnancy. I assumed after I had the baby and lost the weight, we'd go back to normal. Here it is, I'm 6 months post partum and in the best shape of my life, hitting the gym four times a week, and I am BARELY getting any. I attempted to seduce him into the bedroom three weeks ago, and he lost his erection as soon as we changed positions, and we didn't have any after that. I finally confronted him, asked him why. He still masturbates regularly, so why couldn't we have sex? He replied that he was stressed and not feeling attractive. I told him I understood, and we can go at his pace. But the problem is, I'm stressed, too! I work full time, take care of our daughter and two dogs, take care of everything at home and pay most of our bills. And I need to know when to possibly expect sex. I know it's not "sexy", but I have to make sure certain things are done before we do. If the laundry needs to be done, I haven't showered, and it's time for my girl to nurse, I CAN'T drop everything and get naked when he is finally in the mood. I have to have some notice. But how can I have notice for something that may or may not happen once or twice a month? And not to mention, I have just as high of a sex drive as I did three years ago, so now I'm thirsty af for my husband, and he is content to smack my butt when I walk by and leave it at that? I could be happy with sex twice or even once a week but it's getting more rare. What can I do to help his stress load or make him feel more attractive? He won't talk about his day, he just wants to be left alone to game. Which I do, I never bother him. Will doing anything help? I need some male opinions here. What would you want your wife to do? Let you have your space and just deal with less sex? Thanks in advance.

Short version: Husband says he is too stressed for sex, but won't discuss it and won't listen to me when I compliment him. What can I do?
 

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Out of curiosity, did he watch the birth? Meaning he actually watched your kid come out of you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Out of curiosity, did he watch the birth? Meaning he actually watched your kid come out of you?
Yes and no, the OB needed him to hold one of my legs, so he did glance down during the pushing, and caught a glimpse but he did not watch the entire birth. He has a pretty weak stomach.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Has he had his testosterone levels checked lately ?
No, he never has to my knowledge. But he wouldn't even if I asked, he has too much pride for that. He's attributing his lack of interest in sex to stress from work and not feeling like a good father. But that's definitely a possibility, but not one I would know how to rectify.
 

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Speaking from personal experience being left alone to game is no good if you want to have sex (on either side).

In my marriage it has been one of either or us or both at the same time.

What got me close to where I wanted to be was getting to the point where I thought I tried all the stuff I could do by myself and mentally preparing to leave if things did not improve.

With that said after having that D day talk it has been a long process of improvement. When I thought I had tried everything I hadn’t, so I doubled down in some areas and tried to find new creative solutions to what my wife’s “brakes” are.

The obvious one for a man is to get him to make a doctors appointment to get his testosterone levels checked.
 

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New baby, an infinite supply of porn and video games.... potent combo.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
New baby, an infinite supply of porn and video games.... potent combo.
So you're saying that with the games to distract him, the porn to satisfy him, and the baby to turn him off, he doesn't have interest in sex with me? That checks out. I also watch porn and play video games, but still have an interest in him. Men and women are so different in a lot of ways. I'd be sick with myself for asking him to give up his game therapy and "personal time", do you have any suggestions to get his engine revving?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Speaking from personal experience being left alone to game is no good if you want to have sex (on either side).

In my marriage it has been one of either or us or both at the same time.

What got me close to where I wanted to be was getting to the point where I thought I tried all the stuff I could do by myself and mentally preparing to leave if things did not improve.

With that said after having that D day talk it has been a long process of improvement. When I thought I had tried everything I hadn’t, so I doubled down in some areas and tried to find new creative solutions to what my wife’s “brakes” are.

The obvious one for a man is to get him to make a doctors appointment to get his testosterone levels checked.
Thank you for your input! I don't think he would go to the dr even if I made the appointment. But I'll see if he would be open to it. We both game. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. It's like having a beer after work to unwind. But maybe we could limit it, to maybe an hour or two. I've tried a lot, but perhaps you're right. Try, try again.
 

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So you're saying that with the games to distract him, the porn to satisfy him, and the baby to turn him off, he doesn't have interest in sex with me? That checks out. I also watch porn and play video games, but still have an interest in him. Men and women are so different in a lot of ways. I'd be sick with myself for asking him to give up his game therapy and "personal time", do you have any suggestions to get his engine revving?
Bluntness. Men respond best to bluntness. We're not wired for nuance and ambiguity. It's sit-down time. "We're drifting apart. Sexual intimacy is a HUGE part of any relationship. Our sex life has obviously dwindled since I got pregnant and had the kiddo. I get it how that can change the dynamic between a couple, but you have a VERY willing and ready woman here who can't wait to get it on... so you can see how it is hurtful when you instead resort to porn and video games. You get where I'm coming from here? Is there something we need work on to get you back in saddle? Be honest with me... because this can't go on for long. It will just mean the end of our marriage, and I really really don't want to go down that road. Work with me here."

With that being said... you MAY not like what he says. It may be something as simple and awful as "Since you became a mom... I lost all attraction to you" or "I started an emotional/physical relationship with somebody else". This whole thing could go down a lot of different roads.
 

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To preface, husband and I have been together for three years, married for four months, and we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. We both work full time but are happy.

That being said, I'm not satisfied with our sex life. In the beginning, we had regular sex, almost every day. After I was pregnant, that dwindled down to once, maybe twice a week. So I figured it was the pregnancy. I assumed after I had the baby and lost the weight, we'd go back to normal. Here it is, I'm 6 months post partum and in the best shape of my life, hitting the gym four times a week, and I am BARELY getting any. I attempted to seduce him into the bedroom three weeks ago, and he lost his erection as soon as we changed positions, and we didn't have any after that. I finally confronted him, asked him why. He still masturbates regularly, so why couldn't we have sex? He replied that he was stressed and not feeling attractive. I told him I understood, and we can go at his pace. But the problem is, I'm stressed, too! I work full time, take care of our daughter and two dogs, take care of everything at home and pay most of our bills. And I need to know when to possibly expect sex. I know it's not "sexy", but I have to make sure certain things are done before we do. If the laundry needs to be done, I haven't showered, and it's time for my girl to nurse, I CAN'T drop everything and get naked when he is finally in the mood. I have to have some notice. But how can I have notice for something that may or may not happen once or twice a month? And not to mention, I have just as high of a sex drive as I did three years ago, so now I'm thirsty af for my husband, and he is content to smack my butt when I walk by and leave it at that? I could be happy with sex twice or even once a week but it's getting more rare. What can I do to help his stress load or make him feel more attractive? He won't talk about his day, he just wants to be left alone to game. Which I do, I never bother him. Will doing anything help? I need some male opinions here. What would you want your wife to do? Let you have your space and just deal with less sex? Thanks in advance.

Short version: Husband says he is too stressed for sex, but won't discuss it and won't listen to me when I compliment him. What can I do?
An endocrinologist will not only be able to let him know if he is hypogonadal, but he could have other things off as well that are messing with his mental state. Bloodwork can be very telling. He shouldn't view it as being less of a man, but he might if its a female telling him he needs to get his "testosterone levels" checked. Maybe suggest he see an endocrinologist to have bloodwork done to see if that could be an issue with his disinterest in sex. However, with his regular self pleasure, I'm thinking this isn't a problem for him.

He may truly be disinterested in sex with you because of his stress, which still needs to be addressed. I know I have had times where I was horny but knew it would be faster just to do it myself. Too stressed to slow down and attempt sex. I think that's okay, but not if it's come to the point where you are feeling unwanted and not having your needs met and you are clearly noticing he is still engaging in some kind of sex. With himself. You can't continue to sideline your needs that is going to bottle up and cause a not good situation.

Some other things that you said are a bit concerning. He doesn't have sex with you, he doesn't talk about his day, he just wants to be alone and "game." You two have only been married for 3 years. You each have your own happiness and you bring that happiness together and share it, ESPECIALLY this early. It almost sounds like he isn't liking the life he chose. His actions don't speak to that of someone who wants to be around his wife (and child potentially, you didn't really speak on his interactions with your daughter) and he could just want to be alone. Your husband sounds like a best friend of mine who spent so much time focusing on himself that he couldn't hear his wife's cries for attention and change. She eventually stopped trying and left him. It was only then that he wokeup and realized he had torn his marriage apart because he wanted to be single and be married at the same time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Bluntness. Men respond best to bluntness. We're not wired for nuance and ambiguity. It's sit-down time. "We're drifting apart. Sexual intimacy is a HUGE part of any relationship. Our sex life has obviously dwindled since I got pregnant and had the kiddo. I get it how that can change the dynamic between a couple, but you have a VERY willing and ready woman here who can't wait to get it on... so you can see how it is hurtful when you instead resort to porn and video games. You get where I'm coming from here? Is there something we need work on to get you back in saddle? Be honest with me... because this can't go on for long. It will just mean the end of our marriage, and I really really don't want to go down that road. Work with me here."

With that being said... you MAY not like what he says. It may be something as simple and awful as "Since you became a mom... I lost all attraction to you" or "I started an emotional/physical relationship with somebody else". This whole thing could go down a lot of different roads.
That's similar to what I said to him when I confronted him. His response was that between not doing well at his sales job, and feeling like he wasn't doing enough at home, he was stressed and felt really unattractive, especially compared to me losing all the baby weight and working out. When I asked what we could do to work on it, he just kept apologizing. He insisted that he found me extremely attractive, but that he hasn't been horny in the past few months, and that he hasn't even masturbated much recently. So he left the conversation at that, insisting that he loves me and wants me, but that he was sorry that his sex drive was so low. I told him not to apologize for that, but inside I was dying a little bit. Is there any way to boost his confidence besides compliments? Because those are doing nothing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
An endocrinologist will not only be able to let him know if he is hypogonadal, but he could have other things off as well that are messing with his mental state. Bloodwork can be very telling. He shouldn't view it as being less of a man, but he might if its a female telling him he needs to get his "testosterone levels" checked. Maybe suggest he see an endocrinologist to have bloodwork done to see if that could be an issue with his disinterest in sex. However, with his regular self pleasure, I'm thinking this isn't a problem for him.

He may truly be disinterested in sex with you because of his stress, which still needs to be addressed. I know I have had times where I was horny but knew it would be faster just to do it myself. Too stressed to slow down and attempt sex. I think that's okay, but not if it's come to the point where you are feeling unwanted and not having your needs met and you are clearly noticing he is still engaging in some kind of sex. With himself. You can't continue to sideline your needs that is going to bottle up and cause a not good situation.

Some other things that you said are a bit concerning. He doesn't have sex with you, he doesn't talk about his day, he just wants to be alone and "game." You two have only been married for 3 years. You each have your own happiness and you bring that happiness together and share it, ESPECIALLY this early. It almost sounds like he isn't liking the life he chose. His actions don't speak to that of someone who wants to be around his wife (and child potentially, you didn't really speak on his interactions with your daughter) and he could just want to be alone. Your husband sounds like a best friend of mine who spent so much time focusing on himself that he couldn't hear his wife's cries for attention and change. She eventually stopped trying and left him. It was only then that he wokeup and realized he had torn his marriage apart because he wanted to be single and be married at the same time.
Exactly! I feel that if I suggest it, his ego will be hurt. But maybe I could bring it up in some way. His masturbation has decreased somewhat in the past month, but I know he still does it when he disappears into the bathroom for an hour and forgets to flush. 🙄

I really don't mind the gaming, since we both do it. And he claims he likes to be alone because he has to constantly talk with and deal with people all day. He'll tell me about his days, but he won't share his stresses with me, or his worries. He likes my company, and spends a large amount of time with me on our day off. He doesn't spend much time with our daughter. He feels like he doesn't know what he's doing. And to be fair, a 6 month old isn't very interesting. I feel loved by him, and wanted. But just not sexually satisfied. You may have an excellent point. Don't we all sometimes long for the simple days of living alone with few responsibilities? But perhaps he is trying too hard to relive those days. That's definitely something to consider, thank you.
 

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There are a lot of studies out there showing a correlation between constant video gaming (1 hour a day or more) and male sex drive. There are a lot of studies as well suggesting correlation between regular porn consumption as an agent that desensitizes men to sex. I’d suggest he lay off both for a few weeks and see if that improves things. At the very least it will put some focus on intimacy and free up time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
There are a lot of studies out there showing a correlation between constant video gaming (1 hour a day or more) and male sex drive. There are a lot of studies as well suggesting correlation between regular porn consumption as an agent that desensitizes men to sex. I’d suggest he lay off both for a few weeks and see if that improves things. At the very least it will put some focus on intimacy and free up time.
You're absolutely right about those studies. But I would feel like a hypocrite asking him to give up or decrease those things when I do the exact same thing. But I may discuss limiting our gaming time, to just an hour a day during the week or something similar.
 

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You're absolutely right about those studies. But I would feel like a hypocrite asking him to give up or decrease those things when I do the exact same thing. But I may discuss limiting our gaming time, to just an hour a day during the week or something similar.
It could be that those things don't affect women the same way. Bottom line, intimacy ought to come first so another option might be to go cold turkey, get the sex life in order and reintroduce those things if you want.
 

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He still masturbates regularly, so why couldn't we have sex?
The above, along with @FlaviusMaximus posts, should be taken seriously. A man will start to lose attraction for his wife with too much porn. To put it bluntly, he's also most likely desensitized from too much jacking off (they tend to get rough and then regular stimulation with you isn't enough). He's ruining himself and your sex life. You have to make him make a choice between porn/masturbation and you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
It could be that those things don't affect women the same way. Bottom line, intimacy ought to come first so another option might be to go cold turkey, get the sex life in order and reintroduce those things if you want.
That's a good idea. Just to Jumpstart things again. Thank you for your input!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
The above, along with @FlaviusMaximus posts, should be taken seriously. A man will start to lose attraction for his wife with too much porn. To put it bluntly, he's also most likely desensitized from too much jacking off (they tend to get rough and then regular stimulation with you isn't enough). He's ruining himself and your sex life. You have to make him make a choice between porn/masturbation and you.
I don't disagree, but I do the same thing so wouldn't that be hypocritical?
 

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I don't disagree, but I do the same thing so wouldn't that be hypocritical?
How would it be hypocritical? Your game/porn consumption isn’t interfering in your marriage, his is. If you don’t want to be a hypocrite than join him and you too put the controller down. You’re not asking for him to put the gaming system on the shelf forever, just temporarily while you focus on playing the game of life. The video games will come back, porn too. It’s all healthy in moderation.
 
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