[Waking up to life]

Hi! I've been married for 20 years. When we got married, my husband weighed less than 200 lbs (he's 6'1"). Very gradually he has gained weight and now weighs at least 320 lbs.

He's very, very sensitive about his weight and hates being "fat" (his words). But nothing ever changes in his lifestyle to try to get in better shape. I'm very petite and weigh about the same as when we got married. I exercise and am in good shape. Believe me, I've done everything I can to encourage him in a positive way to lose weight. Please don't tell me I just need to cook healthier meals and encourage him to exercise, blah blah blah. Been there, done that many times. Ultimately HE needs to be the one to do it.

I can't stand sex with him anymore. I'm just very turned off by his body. Besides, because he's so big and I'm so small, we only have sex in one position...EVER...me on top. It's very mechanical and I don't enjoy it. I feel trapped in a marriage devoid of passionate and enjoyable sex.

I can't talk to him about it because he's so sensitive about the subject, he'd act like I completely broke him if I said anything. I'm going to get counseling without him. I told him I'm just depressed and need to talk to someone. He won't go. There are many other issues in our marriage, which he likes to bury his head in the sand about...but I'm interested in your feedback on this issue.

 

[StargateFan]

I am sorry you have a problem with his body. In my 17 years of marriage and 2 children, I have never once expressed any dissatisfaction with her body. She turns me on just as much at 220 as she did at 140. I love the person more than her body. I make love to her not her thighs or belly. Sure I love sexy lingerie, big or small.

Tell him you want to grow old with him and not be a 60 year old widow. As to the other issues, you are going to have to pull his head out of the sand. Your MC should be able to help with that.

In my opinion if someone refuses MC they are refusing to continue the marriage.

 

[Waking up to life]

I envy you. I wish I could feel that way about my husband regardless of his weight. But upon further introspection, I would surmise that our sex life probably never was that great, even when he was thinner. So his 120 lb weight gain definitely isn't helping. I can't remember a time when I ever felt true lust or passion for him sexually. Is there such a thing as having "chemistry" or not having it as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned?

And you're right, his unwillingness to go to therapy is going to act as a 'litmus test' for me. Not only does he not want to go, but he doesn't want me to go! He got angry when I told him I was thinking about it. I hate to hide things from him, but I'm going tomorrow without his knowledge. I have to talk to someone or I'm going to explode. Very difficult position to be in.

 

[StargateFan]

Not sure what type of expert to consult on the "fat" sex but there are many many fat people that have great sex lives. May I suggest a sex swing. I have one with a bungee and a hoist and it is fantastic. First time we used it my wife had more orgasms in 5 minutes than she had in six months. She made me stop. There are many different types. The bungee one we have does not allow a lot physical contact beyond PIV. some that are more chair like offer more contact.

Look into other sex furniture that may make sex more comfortable for both of you. Do find a way to address the weight issue. Long term it will be a problem.

 

[YupItsMe]

About five years ago my wife told me she wasnt happy and something had to change or we wouldnt make it. It woke me up and I fixed things. One of those things was taking better care of myself all the way around. Clothes, fitness, getting out of the house and doing things together. It turned things around and we have been happy.

I would second the suggestion you speak in terms of health and fitness not "shape" or "lack of appeal" There is a difference in how its received.

Bottom line, if you keep it all to yourself he cant fix it. I would drop the bomb in an unhurtful way but you have to bust him out of it by telling him the consequences might be losing you

 

[Waking up to life]

I appreciate all your input. Interesting tip about the swing. As you can all probably see, there are more issues than just the weight itself. If he were willing to discuss it and even acknowledge that it's a problem that affects me too, not just him, it would be different. But, as I said, any attempts I have made, no matter how gently and objectively I've tried to bring up the issue, it always turns into him acting like I killed his puppy. He walks around making a display of his sad face, won't talk to me for hours or days, makes me feel like I'm a cold heartless ***** for saying anything about his weight. Then I regret ever saying anything because now I'm the bad guy. This is why I need a therapist.

 

[CuddleBug]

When I got married, I was 6ft 2 at 170 lbs ish with thick glasses. I had a very high sex drive as well. 25 years old

My wife was a bigger girl, 5ft 8, 170 lbs ish but that was fine with me. Her sex drive her low because of her insecurities but did nothing about it either. 20 years old


13 years later, I got laser eye surgery, weight trained and I'm now 230 lbs and in great shape. I still have a high sex drive. 39 years old

My wife has also got bigger, about 215 lbs ish, insecure about her size, low sex drive and still talks and has nothing about it.


Fast forward another 10+ years.......

I'll be about 240 lbs from weight training and she'll probably be 230+ lbs and we'll probably not have sex at that point.

 

[40isthenew20]

Why can't hubby just get his ass on a treadmill and eat better? If sex is being effected, then that should be the loudest bell to ever go off in one's head.

Three days a week doing 30-45 minutes of cardio and cutting way down on carbs will get him on the right path. But he has to want to do it or else it will not work.

 

[Almostrecovered]

the stress of a divorce often leads to weight loss, maybe make it clear that it's a distinct possibility

 

[AwwSnail]

go to your counseling appts and continue to encourage him and be supportive. He does need to come to this on his own or very gently guided, but I think you're making the right step for you and that's all you can do sometimes...and that's okay, take it one step at a time. ((hugs))

 

[MaritimeGuy]

I also think you're doing the right thing by seeing a counsellor.

Weight loss requires a complete lifestyle change. It's not something you do for a few months then resume your old ways once you hit your target weight. Many people find change very difficult, particularly in times of stress.

It's sad really, that he's so ashamed of his weight yet seems unable to motivate himself to do something about it.

 

[Waking up to life]

Well, I went to my first counseling session today. 45 minutes goes too fast when you have 19 years of bottled up stuff to talk about. Mostly it was a 'get acquainted' visit. Next time we'll be able to really get down to business and start tackling some issues. But the therapist made a good point: if my husband was more nurturing and emotionally supportive of me in general, his weight would be less of an issue with me. I've lost attraction to him on an emotional level, so it's hard to find him physically attractive. I have a lot of therapy ahead of me it looks like. I'm actually looking forward to it.

 

[steinjeremo]

the stress of a divorce often leads to weight loss

 

[3Xnocharm]

My ex husband is 6ft 5, and was 375lbs when we got together, I am 5ft 4 and was 122lbs. I had an issue with the weight when we first started talking again, (we were reunited first loves) I was uncomfortable with it, mainly about what other people might think. Once we started clicking, I had a serious talk with myself, and came to the conclusion that to hell with it, the weight didnt matter. I was crazy attracted to him, because of how we clicked, and because he had such a beautiful face. The sex was amazing! I loved fat sex! It was so....comforting. And I was so turned on by our connection, his reaction to me, and his gorgeous smile, that the fat never once was a negative. We were not able to do all the normal positions, but there were a few different ones that worked and were very hot for us...me on top, reverse cowgirl, doggy, edge of the bed with him standing, and on the corner also with him standing. That last one was sooo hot, my absolute favorite!

Anyway. Maybe if he could become more comfortable with himself as he is, you would be able to have more attraction to him. Yes, he needs to try and lose weight for health reasons, but some self acceptance would go a long way. I think maybe thats why you feel detached emotionally, I think he is ashamed so puts the distance there. He sounds like a good guy, I hope he decides to do IC.

 

[Irishduroc]

I know we all have our own personal issues im a bigger guy yet im very active and like many positions im my opinion .... What if you had a physical issue that ” repulsed” him ? How would you want him to approach you about the issue ....I think the best way is start slow ...turn tv off go for couples walks together ...make salads for both of y'all ... We as spouses are in this together ... Talk to him in a ” judgment free zone”
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[Mike_O]

This is about a lot more than just being over-weight.

Keep working on yourself but I think keeping your therapy a secret might be a mistake - discuss that with therapist. I think there is value in informing the person that refuses to participate.

Is it OK to be repulsed by obesity? I say, ABSOLUTELY! For some reason we are afraid to admit that fat is unappealing - maybe because fat is so common today. On the other hand, we have no problem saying that we dislike heavy smoking or heavy drinking or poor hygiene. Yes, I believe being fat is a choice (unlike race, gender and ethnicity).

Good Luck!

 

[SaxMan27]

Your husband might have medical problems that are keeping him fat. He should have his Testosterone levels checked. Another possibility is Gluten Intolerance.

I weighed almost 400 pounds and tried all kinds of diets. Couldn't lose any weight. Found out that I had low testosterone and was Gluten Intolerant. I started eating Gluten Free and taking a weekly T shot. I feel better now than I have for years. I'm down to 250 now with moderate exercise.

You might want to read the book Wheat Belly by William Davis. He describes how Gluten in the diet can wreak havoc in our systems.

 

[MaritimeGuy]

There is a whole lot of reasons he could struggle losing weight but he has to want to do it in the first place. I would think being unable to get into particular sexual positions would be a huge motivator to figure it out.

 

[Waking up to life]

Just to clarify: I never said I was "repulsed" by him. Just that his weight makes sex unappealing and unsatisfying for me. I do agree that keeping my therapy a secret isn't good, and I will be working with the therapist on being open about it. But, as I said, when I first said I wanted to go to counseling to work through some sadness I've had lately, he blew a gasket and got angry. He said "they'll just tell you to get divorced and to go find yourself!" He said "You made me very angry today!" So you can see why I felt the need to hide the fact I went against his wishes. I don't want to keep on this way in our marriage, where I don't feel free to talk to him about my needs, sex, or anything else. I'm really hopeful that counseling will help give me some direction so that I can, for once, get my needs met. And I'm open to the idea that that may not be possible if I remain married to him. It's sad that it's come to this.
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[Mike_O]

Keeping therapy a secret is sometimes necessary - your therapist should be able to work through this with you. If violence is a possibility then keep the therapist informed as well.

From your description there are lots of issues here. When 1 member of a couple refuses to work on the relationship or themselves, it does NOT mean the other person must neglect their own personal development. You are empowering yourself to live a better life through self-awareness and your spouse's participation, while beneficial, is NOT a prerequisite.