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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Has anyone ever heard of this? I filed for divorce from my husband who has had many many affairs over our 35 year marrage. His lawyer has counterd and said that our assests have been divided sence 2001. My lawyer asked me if I knew what that was about? I had no clue! We went on a 25th wedding anniversary cruise in 2002 and although we have seperated several times over the years because of his many affairs and abuse they were always for a short time and never legally filed. We still own a house have a joint checking and have always filed joint returns. Whats more is that I thought we were happy during those years, he had started a new job that year (2001), made more money then ever before. I just dont know what to think over this tactic. I should also say, to my face he is crying and asking forgivness and saying that he will not hold anything back from me, that he is getting his just desserts and I was a wonderful wife and deserved better.
 

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I'm no authority in legal matters but wouldn't an asset division in 2001 be void if you have lived together again for a certain amount of time? Did you sign anything then?


What's with his tears? Sounds like the naughty boy has been put in his corner to me. Sympathy crying?

If you deserve better- tell him the counter offer is ridiculous and hand him a kleenex.

Do you want him back?


If no is the answer- I'd remain indifferent and let your lawyer find a loop hole.

If it's yes....then get to work on YOU..and keep watching-not listening- to him.

best of luck
 

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Do you have copies of all of the joint accounts you have together?


What proof does he have of divided assets? What legal paperwork? he has to prove this first.
 

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According to every divorce book I've ever read, when it comes to this you need a very aggressive lawyer to protect yourself in court. And all those affairs don't help his case, so it make since he's trying to protect his assets.

Anyways why does this matter? He's going to be miserable and cheat on the next relationship and the one after that...... and you'll most likely be getting some kind of support, so what's there to freak out about. And even after divorce you could rework the terms with a lawyer.

And don't believe his tears!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks guys, I am not freaking out about it as much as I was. I think a lot of my worry is that my lawyer just doesn’t seem on top of it but I don’t have the $ for another retainer for a new one. We’re waiting for a mediation meeting to find out what it is all about (lawyer suggested it before Christmas and I haven’t heard from him sense), because I have no clue other then he had started working someplace that same year that has a very good pension program and maybe to get my support limited. This action has actually helped me in my resolve, I see him for the liar he is, he said to me during one of his crying episodes that I deserve everything and he won’t fight me because he knows I’ll be fair and he has treated me so unfairly through our whole marriage. That he won’t fight his pension or support. (However he did add that he still didn’t understand why divorce and not just a legal separation so I can stay on his health insurance) Then I find out he got the toughest lawyer around and is claiming something like that. Yes we had joint account, lived together in the same house..... So I just don’t know...
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
So I have not heard from my lawyer sense I posted this tread. I wasn’t to worried because of the holidays but now that it’s been over a month, I’m thinking the Lawyer is getting a phone call! what the heck...... has a medication been scheduled or what?
 

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So I have not heard from my lawyer sense I posted this tread. I wasn’t to worried because of the holidays but now that it’s been over a month, I’m thinking the Lawyer is getting a phone call! what the heck...... has a medication been scheduled or what?
Having worked for a law firm, I will say this candidly. Lawyers are notorious for not returning phone calls. Once the retainer in hand, many attorneys don't follow-up unless absolutely necessary. Good lawyers follow-up and contact their clients. But there are far too many bad ones out there.

You need to be on top of your attorney. You don't need to be a pain, but you NEED to make sure he/she is doing the job you need them to do. And if they are not, please keep records (in writing if possible) of your correspondence and retain records of phone calls as well. I know it sucks to do this on top of everything you're already doing, but it's a necessary evil sometimes.

A month of not hearing anything is far too long. I recommend calling and certainly being aggressive. You're paying and therefore service needs to be rendered. If you're not happy, it's worth considering another atty, even if it means a new retainer. It'll be money WELL SPENT to not have to deal with an atty who is not returning calls.

I spent plenty of phone calls with clients who were unhappy w/ my manager who was an atty. I had to calm their fears and worries etc. But I saw it daily.. Sucks!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
good advice, thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I ‘am in total panic mode right now: here is an excerpt to my lawyer and from my lawyer and then my response to my lawyer.

Jan 23, 2013 3:38pm

Good afternoon,

It has been over a month and I was wondering if you ever received a
response from my husband’s lawyer as to a mediation. If it’s taking
this long to set up maybe we should go ahead and file with the courts
also?

Please let me know your thoughts.

Jan 25,2013 1:53pm

Dear :
Thank you for your email.
There is now a scheduled Court Appearance on February 5, 2013 at 11:00 AM.
The location is:. Your appearance is necessary.
It is a Preliminary Conference which means we will meet with the Court and
discuss the outstanding issues on your matter. It is possible, we could
have your Husband agree to various things at this conference. However,
please note as we are not having a trial yet or a evidentiary hearing, if
the parties cannot reach an agreement, the Judge will not Order anything
yet. The other portion of this is that we will get a scheduling Order.
These are various deadlines for the attorneys to provide each other with
financial disclosure. Finally, there will be a trial date that is usually
about 6 months or so from the preliminary conference date. It is quite
possible your matter could be over before the trial date if you and your
husband can agree on terms.

In preparation of this conference, please forward the following (if you
have not already provided me these)
1) Statement of Net Worth (Please see attached form for you to fill out).
2) Any paychecks stubs you have received in 2013
3) Your W2 from 2012
4) Recent Bank/savings account statements

In addition, attached please find a legal invoice requesting an additional
retainer payment. Please note one of the things we are requesting is
attorney fees to be paid by your husband. However, these are not a
guarantee. If you would like to make a payment online, please go to:

Please reply to confirm receipt of this message.

As always, please contact me by email if you have any
questions.

Very Truly Yours,

Jan 25,2013 2:19PM
Thank you for your response, I'm a little confused however, Why did you
schedule a court appearance so soon, or did my husbands lawyer schedule it?
I thought you said it could take up to six months to get a date. I feel
very ill prepared, I haven't met with you at all sense I signed the papers back in August
and I'm not even sure what I should be asking for anymore or not ask for,
especially sense his lawyer has counter filed. I thought we would meet
together before I met with my husband in a medication and then a court
appearance.

When can we meet regarding this upcoming appearance? You are probably used
to having people panicking on you like this (because I'm panicking) when it
finally comes down to the actual meeting but I do much better with a lot of
details and a game plan. My husband has always intimidated me and It wont
be any better with his lawyer there.

Thanks so much,
 

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First, don't panc. Your attorney most definitely
Mediation isn't always the way to go in divorce matters, since a mediator has no power to make either party do anything. Disclosures about finances are based on trust. Mediators assist the parties in reaching an agreement. This will only work if the two of you can actually talk to each other, no one has lied, and there are no major custody issues. It is possible that the prelimiary appearance will include the likelihood of successful mediation-something your attorney should have mentions in his comunication.
 
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sorry, I didn't finish that sentence. "Your attorney most definitely didn't adequately respond to your inquiry about mediation."
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I just really worry that Im going in there blind and I don’t know what is going to be thrown at me. originally I was willing to walk away with nothing from the house, let him have it, We recently re-mortgaged it and there is properly only a 15,000 to 20,000 equity on it. furniture I don’t want, lawn equipment I don’t wan, I don’t want his collection of guns or tools, I just want him to pay off my car 2500, and about 8,000 in debts in loans "we" took out in my name because his credit was bad. I was going to do joint custody for dogs and wanted the max in support under the state laws. (as he is a professional man with the potential of earning even more. I just started working out of the home about 15 years ago and I quite school in 11th grade to get married. My chances for advancement are low. I am now rethinking things sense he counter filed.....
 

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Your attorney isn't all that great about getting back to you so you've got to keep up the pressure. From what I read, there wasn't much for him to contact you about anyway, and if you consider that each phone call or email is probably at least $40, he might be trying to save you money by avoiding nonproductive communication.

I agree with everything said above, there are lots of bad attorneys out there so you gotta do your homework and do everything you can to build your own case, especially if hubby is playing games and twisting and fabricating to gain a legal advantage.

It's typical that a spouse will be crying to your face, yet working on devious legal strategies to try to soak up as much of the marital assets as possible. He appears to be trying to make a case that you have no right to any assets including pensions, and spousal support based on additional income he's earned after 2001 but as far as you have stated, that's just a bunch of BS and that won't stick. You'll make the case that there may have been brief separations but there was always reconciliation and never a divorce filing, so that strategy of his will get thrown out. Expect a lot of surprises like that and try not to take it personally.

Avoid any contact with him other than as necessary for finances, kids, that sort of thing because anything that you say that can be used against you, WILL be somehow used against you in divorce court. The exception being that perhaps you can approach him with the suggestion that you try to get your divorce mediated to save you a whole bunch of money. It's entirely possible he'll be stuck with a good chunk of your legal bills so check the laws in your state and you could mention that to him when you suggest mediation.

The first status conference is nothing. If you even get into the courtroom, you probably won't even say anything, the judge will ask if anything has been settled and give a timeline of how the process will unfold. Your attorney may ask the courts for immediate temporary relief such as your husband paying some of your legal fees and also to provide temporary support. Not much to do other than prepare your financials as requested by your attorney.

Mediation can be done at any time but the further you get into the legal process, the higher the conflict gets, the more money you're going to spend (hence the additional retainer) and the more difficult it is to extricate yourself from what is a very expensive, slow, and greatly flawed legal process.

If you are able to get some relief from the court in regard to legal fees and temporary support, it may weaken your husband's resolve to fight this thing to the bitter end and he may be more amenible to a suggestion of mediation. At the moment, he seems to be in "high conflict shark attorney" mode.

Having been through a high conflict divorce with lots of assets, I can tell you that rarely do so called "shark attorneys" do much better for their clients, all they do is incite them into more conflict to pad their own pockets through the drawn out expensive litigation process. I pointed out to my now exwife in a carefully worded post divorce letter that her "tough shark attorneys" didn't get her any more than I offered her prior to almost 4 years of expensive litigation. All they did was spend $250,000 of our money.

Your case seems relatively straight forward, he's the wage earner, you're the stay at home spouse, he'll pay you support based on a percentage of his income, possibly for life given the duration of the marriage and you'll split up all assets considered to be joint marital which is probably all of them despite his claims to the contrary.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Sharkeey, thank you so much for your response it calmed me down quite a bit! I think you just stated what the Lawyer was trying to say to me to reassure me but it was all legal jargon to me.

Pluto, thank you for your impute. I just feel this is all over my head and that I can’t do it..... so I get overwhelmed. I can do it... pull up my big girl pants and take a big step forward (gulp).

Thanks again the both of you.
 

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I did some minor editing to my rather long post so you might want to read through it again.

I understand what you're going through, it reminds me of myself at the start of my divorce. My head was spinning and it was really scary and I thought I'd never get through it in one piece.

It was bad, but not insurmountable and I'm a few years out and doing fine. You will too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Sharkeey: Thanks for the edit, I did re-read it and am taking it in. I feel calmer but still very concerned Im just going to screwed. My husband knows most of the county’s attorneys and judges and seems to have a better lawyer. I went out of my county to find one that didn’t know him.
I just had another argument with the stbxh Saturday (if you can call it argument). It consisted of his towering over me glaring and raising his voice regarding the filing of our tax's and what he wants to do with the refund. I just looked at him calmly the whole time and stood my ground that I hadn’t decided what to do yet. He threated to file separately and I said go ahead if that’s what he wanted to do. Then he switched tactics and tried to get me to feel sorry for him as he is going in for a simple procedure today (colonoscopy) and said "I was hoping to just relax at our house today and have a good day before drinking that crap and worrying about the procedure but now I just want to get away from you and ill have to go sit at my office for a few hours and hope to try and relax". First of all I don’t want him at the house (that just won’t sink in) secondly he lives with his girl-friend as far as I know... Go back to her and relax. Then he sends me a text this morning saying "I was up all night starving and nervous, I’m sorry I’m the man I am, I still care about you, have a good day". Well I was up too, worried about lawyers and court.... I did not respond to his text......
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
didnt have a good night, worry, worry worry.. not having a good morning......
 

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You did exactly the right thing by not responding to his text. Man oh man does he try to manipulate people. So he wants sympathy from you after he yells at you about the taxes. And he wants more sympathy from you when he's texting you-probably with the girlfriend there. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Change the locks on the door and if he comes over, don't answer the door. Then the next time you see him tell him you were nervous and felt safer with newer locks. Don't take his calls, don't respond to texts. It only feds his ego.
 

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Hey drc2, Dont you worry about anything.
Fight for just one thig and that being keeping the peace inside you intact!!!
No fear.And go NC on him totally.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thank you, I was doing well with that, its is amazing how fast your calm can be turned upside down... Ive had a really good month so far and then now to have this feeling of wanting to run and hide...
 
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