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A little back story…

My husband and I have been together 10 years, married almost seven. As far as I knew things were going great, we were loving towards each other, texted throughout the day and were excited to see each other in the evening, laughed together all the time. Things in the bedroom were definitely not lacking, and we even talked regularly about how great it was to be this happy after 10 years together.

A little over a year ago we decided to make a big leap and sell the house we had built together, bought and RV and became full-time RVers. We didn't travel due to work and his kids from previous marriages, but we ended up settling down in a really great park on the river where life continued to be amazing. We even bought a pontoon boat together in February and talked about how much fun we would have on the river this summer.

March 25th I found out he was having an EA with a customer of his. It had been going on around 2 months. I was completely devastated, but honestly never intended to leave. Then, in the same conversation, as an attempt to explain it he says he hasn't been 'totally happy' in a couple of years. This came completely out of nowhere as far as I could tell.

That night we talked for a few hours, he left to go to an appointment he already had, and I spent a few hours with a friend. When he came home he apologized, kissed me, said he was sorry he ever made me cry, and promised we'd be together forever. I was confused but completely willing to take it and start working on the marriage.

We spent the next three weeks on a roller coaster… one day things would seem good, he would say we were working it out. The next day I would find out he was still talking to OW, albeit minimally… one text in the morning. He explained this by saying he needed to keep contact until she paid us the remaining money she owed, which was a large chunk. At this point I told him that I needed complete brutal honesty from him, which he agreed to and as far as I know has been brutally honest since that point.

He went through a brief depression when he didn't talk to OW for a few days, and I think that led him to believe he couldn't be happy in our marriage. He would tell me that his thoughts were 95% towards me and staying together, but he couldn't get rid of the nagging thoughts that maybe he wanted to be alone or be with her. I encouraged him through this process to find what really made him happy, and let him know I thought that was and could be us together. Maybe to my own demise I stood by him and listened to him talk about things that hurt me to my core (his possible strong feelings for her, etc). Looking back I wish I had used those three weeks to read forums and books, learn how I should be handling the situation and learn more about affairs and the fog. But I wanted to encourage him, I thought by letting him know I was dedicated to his happiness he would realize how great he had it.

In a way he did. He has never once put blame on me for his actions, he says I'm amazing and that if he ever doubted my love he doesn't anymore. He says he's shocked by how well I handled everything.

Then it changed. He got the final check from OW towards the end of a week, and didn't talk to her over that weekend. We went out on the new boat with his kids that Sunday, and it was a very tense day. That night I told him I didn't know what the new attitude was but I couldn't handle too much of it… he was short with me, barely acknowledging I was there. He broke down and told me that something had changed in his mind, that his thoughts weren't 95% towards me anymore. I now believe that was just the effect of not talking to her, and if he had stuck it out we could be okay right now… but I digress.

So three weeks to the day after D-Day I left our home. The reason I left instead of him is because I didn't want to stay there alone, or have to attempt to take care of our RV alone. I've since changed my mind and decided I want to move back in, regardless of whether he stays or goes.

The night he told me about the separation I asked to stay an extra day, and he came home early the next day to sit and talk with me. We talked for six hours, about everything and nothing… we've been able to find reasons to laugh even through this mess, and at that time he was still loving and caring.

Today it's been a little over seven weeks since I left. He texts me just about every morning, asking how I slept usually. He's been checking my FB messages daily (he doesn't know I know that, my app is on his phone). But he shows no signs of wanting to get back together or try. I've given him space… no begging or crying or pleading. I've hardly even said anything about our relationship since I left, maybe more the first week than anything. He has come by to talk to me once, at my request, and we had a nice two hour talk. Some of it was casual, some was about the relationship. He was apologetic and friendly, but still no signs of wanting to try. One of the kids had a big event a few days after that meeting, and he even text to see if I was coming, met me at the door and sat with me so I wouldn't be alone. We talked like everything was normal.

Here's the kicker… during this whole seven weeks he's been talking to the OW. Texting, talking on the phone, and spending evenings at her house (not sure how often). They've been out a couple of times to eat. He's building a relationship with her and cutting the relationship with me off, and is now saying he's 'content' and has a sense of peace inside. He says he can't explain it, doesn't understand it, but that he just wasn't happy and maybe he fell out of love with me. My thoughts are maybe he wasn't as happy as he should have been, but we had all the ingredients there to fix that, until she came along.

I know it takes two, I completely understand that and hold him accountable for his part. One thing I don't understand is his choice… she has a strong reputation in this small town for the type of person she is. She has broken up many homes, and dated lots of less than reputable guys. None of the descriptions you hear of her are flattering. She's 12 years older than me (so is he), heavier set, and has pre-teen kids. She's possibly the last person I would have ever expected to see him with.

I'm rambling now, and I probably left something important out, but this is long enough. I'm just confused, and tired, and although a marriage coach and all my friends tell me I'm doing everything right it doesn't seem to be working, and it's frustrating. I know in my gut we could work through this and things can be better than they were, but I can't convince him of that, and I don't want to try for fear of pushing him farther away. He hasn't mentioned divorce yet, he says he's trying not to rush things. I think he's confused as to what he wants still. The only thing I know to do is keep trying in a way that's authentic to me so I don't regret it no matter what he decides.

Any thoughts on my long and complicated situation?
 

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You are his plan B.

You should do a 180 and start to move on with your life.

Let me also suggest he is not as caring and great as you make him out to be. Your letting him off the hook easy for a very bad thing he did and continues to do to you.

What where the boundaries stated in your separation? Are you allowed to date or is it only to spend time apart?

You might consider IC for perspective.
 

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As with most separations, one person views it as freedom and one person waits around. Your husband is living a short term high basically, this is part of the affair/fantasyland problem. Its new, its fun, its exciting to him and you are real life and he doesn’t want to deal with real life right now.

You will never be able to figure out his choice, again most never do make any sense. The point is he made a choice and it’s the wrong one. He is slowly easing life away from you falling farther into the new world he thinks is great. You are the dreaded plan B. Until he realizes he has something to lose, YOU, he will continue to drift farther away.

Study the 180 that gets discussed on this site quite often and start doing it. He isn’t the prize, you and your life is. He isn’t have a mlc or is confused. He is doing this because he can and you have allowed him to without any consequences. He must start to have consequences for his decisions in order to ever invoke any change and you need to gain some emotional distance from him so you can start to see the situation more clearly which is why the 180 is important for you.
 

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NotMyChoice

Your husband is confused and a weak man. He probably is a good talker and may even be honest and serious. However, he is honestly and seriously a failure at commitment and real love.

This new EA he has is his, at least the 3rd woman; he thinks he is in love with. His actions have not shown real love but very weak love and selfishness.

You had better prepare yourself for a life without him. You should spend all of your time n building yourself up in every way and force yourself to put him out of your mind. If he decides some day to want to get back together with you will be much stronger and able to make a good decision for yourself. Also, if you are working on building yourself up you will be in better shape to withstand the pain that you have.



If you continue to keep him in your mind and emotions most of the time you will wind up a dish rag and a door mat. If you build yourself up you will be much more secure in the future.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for the replies… I'll admit it's not what I wanted to hear, but then again none of this is what I've wanted.

There are no rules for the separation, I don't think either of us knew how to do it when we started. I didn't even realize that people set rules and time frames until a week or so after I left and started reading online… which is why I wish I had spent my last three weeks at home learning more about all this.

I've heard of the 180 but been afraid to implement it, I'm not sure I'm at a point that I can push him completely out of my life yet, because I guess a large part of me still hopes if I can show him the me that he fell in love with to begin with he'll realize what a mistake he's making. With that said though, I'll look it up and see what it actually is… my feelings change hourly, and I've grown more than I knew possible in the last couple of months, so maybe I'll get there.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Okay, nevermind. I looked up the 180 list, I was confusing it with NC. About 90% of the list is things I've already been doing, aside from one backslide yesterday where I spilled my guts via text message and let him know I was hurting. I did that in what I would consider a strong but caring way though, not attacking but letting him know how I felt. Kind of wish I had read that list first…

So, I'm going to print it out and try the full 180. I've already been trying to grow and focus on the rest of my life, haven't initiated contact, haven't been talking about the relationship for the most part, etc. I'll try to implement the rest of the list.
 

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The first step is acceptance; it was probably 99% not an EA to start with.
Can you give a few stats – what are your ages, how many marriages for each of you, kids…etc.
Your only chance is a full 180 for you, and move on with your life so he knows you can and will be fine. See what happens. Do not contact him anymore, just move on and set a date to file. Good luck to you…..stay strong
 

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Let him know that until he rids himself of OW that you two have nothing to talk about. This will not happen immediately, regardless of what he tells you, possibly a month. In the mean time you need to see an attorney to determine your legal rights and open separate bank and credit card accounts.
 

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I suggest you get off of Facebook or block him. Cut off his source to you.

There are security settings in your Facebook account that allow you a force logout of all current devices. Do this then reset your password.
 

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Thanks for the replies… I'll admit it's not what I wanted to hear, but then again none of this is what I've wanted.

There are no rules for the separation, I don't think either of us knew how to do it when we started. I didn't even realize that people set rules and time frames until a week or so after I left and started reading online… which is why I wish I had spent my last three weeks at home learning more about all this.

I've heard of the 180 but been afraid to implement it, I'm not sure I'm at a point that I can push him completely out of my life yet, because I guess a large part of me still hopes if I can show him the me that he fell in love with to begin with he'll realize what a mistake he's making. With that said though, I'll look it up and see what it actually is… my feelings change hourly, and I've grown more than I knew possible in the last couple of months, so maybe I'll get there.
The 180 is not pushing him completely out of your life. It's a way to protect yourself while you also work on getting him to give up his affair.

Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair"? I think it would be a great help for you.
 

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I'm very sorry that you are here. As long as he thinks he can cat

around with this "tail known by many" but come home to you

when he is through running the roads, he will and IS.

Once he realizes you are moving on with your life

he will sing a different tune. Get your hair done, get a mani /

pedi, go out with friends. If he gives you 20 questions... he

obviously does not like what he is putting you through. By

moving forward without him, you will realize, there is a life

without him. Once you realize this, you can make a clear

concise choice if you think the M can be saved. By the way,

get an STD test. I wish you the best of luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Sorry for the thread abandonment… I went out this weekend and had the most fun I've had since all of this started. This came after printing off the 'rules' for the 180 Saturday morning and reading through them several times. I decided to do it, and almost immediately felt better. Like a weight had been lifted.

I just have to accept that he isn't in a place to want to reconcile… I have to focus on me, my business, my social life. I bought a couple of fun Groupons over the weekend too, and planned two small trips.

I'm doing the 180 for me, because I have to start living. That doesn't mean that somewhere in my heart I don't hope he decides to pull his head out of his arse and join me at some point, just that I'm accepting that he isn't doing that right now.

Oh, and I was tested almost immediately… he text yesterday from the doctor, blood pressure was 206/138. He needed to know which bp meds he had been on in the past. Normally I would have shown him how concerned I was, but I acted friendly but indifferent (that may not be the right word…). Same thing last night when some severe storms came through his area. Normally I would have text him to be safe, but I said nothing. It wasn't easy though.

Next hurdle… telling him that I want to move back into my camper. I dread that conversation a little bit, but he needs to experience the same discomfort I have been, I need my own living space, and maybe it would be another dose of reality to help him realize what he's doing to his own life.
 

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The 180 is not pushing him completely out of your life. It's a way to protect yourself while you also work on getting him to give up his affair.

Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair"? I think it would be a great help for you.
I realized that after reading the rules… I also realized I was doing some things right and had done some totally wrong. :)

I don't think I've read that book yet, but I'm going to look it up now! Thanks!
 
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