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A little back story…
My husband and I have been together 10 years, married almost seven. As far as I knew things were going great, we were loving towards each other, texted throughout the day and were excited to see each other in the evening, laughed together all the time. Things in the bedroom were definitely not lacking, and we even talked regularly about how great it was to be this happy after 10 years together.
A little over a year ago we decided to make a big leap and sell the house we had built together, bought and RV and became full-time RVers. We didn't travel due to work and his kids from previous marriages, but we ended up settling down in a really great park on the river where life continued to be amazing. We even bought a pontoon boat together in February and talked about how much fun we would have on the river this summer.
March 25th I found out he was having an EA with a customer of his. It had been going on around 2 months. I was completely devastated, but honestly never intended to leave. Then, in the same conversation, as an attempt to explain it he says he hasn't been 'totally happy' in a couple of years. This came completely out of nowhere as far as I could tell.
That night we talked for a few hours, he left to go to an appointment he already had, and I spent a few hours with a friend. When he came home he apologized, kissed me, said he was sorry he ever made me cry, and promised we'd be together forever. I was confused but completely willing to take it and start working on the marriage.
We spent the next three weeks on a roller coaster… one day things would seem good, he would say we were working it out. The next day I would find out he was still talking to OW, albeit minimally… one text in the morning. He explained this by saying he needed to keep contact until she paid us the remaining money she owed, which was a large chunk. At this point I told him that I needed complete brutal honesty from him, which he agreed to and as far as I know has been brutally honest since that point.
He went through a brief depression when he didn't talk to OW for a few days, and I think that led him to believe he couldn't be happy in our marriage. He would tell me that his thoughts were 95% towards me and staying together, but he couldn't get rid of the nagging thoughts that maybe he wanted to be alone or be with her. I encouraged him through this process to find what really made him happy, and let him know I thought that was and could be us together. Maybe to my own demise I stood by him and listened to him talk about things that hurt me to my core (his possible strong feelings for her, etc). Looking back I wish I had used those three weeks to read forums and books, learn how I should be handling the situation and learn more about affairs and the fog. But I wanted to encourage him, I thought by letting him know I was dedicated to his happiness he would realize how great he had it.
In a way he did. He has never once put blame on me for his actions, he says I'm amazing and that if he ever doubted my love he doesn't anymore. He says he's shocked by how well I handled everything.
Then it changed. He got the final check from OW towards the end of a week, and didn't talk to her over that weekend. We went out on the new boat with his kids that Sunday, and it was a very tense day. That night I told him I didn't know what the new attitude was but I couldn't handle too much of it… he was short with me, barely acknowledging I was there. He broke down and told me that something had changed in his mind, that his thoughts weren't 95% towards me anymore. I now believe that was just the effect of not talking to her, and if he had stuck it out we could be okay right now… but I digress.
So three weeks to the day after D-Day I left our home. The reason I left instead of him is because I didn't want to stay there alone, or have to attempt to take care of our RV alone. I've since changed my mind and decided I want to move back in, regardless of whether he stays or goes.
The night he told me about the separation I asked to stay an extra day, and he came home early the next day to sit and talk with me. We talked for six hours, about everything and nothing… we've been able to find reasons to laugh even through this mess, and at that time he was still loving and caring.
Today it's been a little over seven weeks since I left. He texts me just about every morning, asking how I slept usually. He's been checking my FB messages daily (he doesn't know I know that, my app is on his phone). But he shows no signs of wanting to get back together or try. I've given him space… no begging or crying or pleading. I've hardly even said anything about our relationship since I left, maybe more the first week than anything. He has come by to talk to me once, at my request, and we had a nice two hour talk. Some of it was casual, some was about the relationship. He was apologetic and friendly, but still no signs of wanting to try. One of the kids had a big event a few days after that meeting, and he even text to see if I was coming, met me at the door and sat with me so I wouldn't be alone. We talked like everything was normal.
Here's the kicker… during this whole seven weeks he's been talking to the OW. Texting, talking on the phone, and spending evenings at her house (not sure how often). They've been out a couple of times to eat. He's building a relationship with her and cutting the relationship with me off, and is now saying he's 'content' and has a sense of peace inside. He says he can't explain it, doesn't understand it, but that he just wasn't happy and maybe he fell out of love with me. My thoughts are maybe he wasn't as happy as he should have been, but we had all the ingredients there to fix that, until she came along.
I know it takes two, I completely understand that and hold him accountable for his part. One thing I don't understand is his choice… she has a strong reputation in this small town for the type of person she is. She has broken up many homes, and dated lots of less than reputable guys. None of the descriptions you hear of her are flattering. She's 12 years older than me (so is he), heavier set, and has pre-teen kids. She's possibly the last person I would have ever expected to see him with.
I'm rambling now, and I probably left something important out, but this is long enough. I'm just confused, and tired, and although a marriage coach and all my friends tell me I'm doing everything right it doesn't seem to be working, and it's frustrating. I know in my gut we could work through this and things can be better than they were, but I can't convince him of that, and I don't want to try for fear of pushing him farther away. He hasn't mentioned divorce yet, he says he's trying not to rush things. I think he's confused as to what he wants still. The only thing I know to do is keep trying in a way that's authentic to me so I don't regret it no matter what he decides.
Any thoughts on my long and complicated situation?
My husband and I have been together 10 years, married almost seven. As far as I knew things were going great, we were loving towards each other, texted throughout the day and were excited to see each other in the evening, laughed together all the time. Things in the bedroom were definitely not lacking, and we even talked regularly about how great it was to be this happy after 10 years together.
A little over a year ago we decided to make a big leap and sell the house we had built together, bought and RV and became full-time RVers. We didn't travel due to work and his kids from previous marriages, but we ended up settling down in a really great park on the river where life continued to be amazing. We even bought a pontoon boat together in February and talked about how much fun we would have on the river this summer.
March 25th I found out he was having an EA with a customer of his. It had been going on around 2 months. I was completely devastated, but honestly never intended to leave. Then, in the same conversation, as an attempt to explain it he says he hasn't been 'totally happy' in a couple of years. This came completely out of nowhere as far as I could tell.
That night we talked for a few hours, he left to go to an appointment he already had, and I spent a few hours with a friend. When he came home he apologized, kissed me, said he was sorry he ever made me cry, and promised we'd be together forever. I was confused but completely willing to take it and start working on the marriage.
We spent the next three weeks on a roller coaster… one day things would seem good, he would say we were working it out. The next day I would find out he was still talking to OW, albeit minimally… one text in the morning. He explained this by saying he needed to keep contact until she paid us the remaining money she owed, which was a large chunk. At this point I told him that I needed complete brutal honesty from him, which he agreed to and as far as I know has been brutally honest since that point.
He went through a brief depression when he didn't talk to OW for a few days, and I think that led him to believe he couldn't be happy in our marriage. He would tell me that his thoughts were 95% towards me and staying together, but he couldn't get rid of the nagging thoughts that maybe he wanted to be alone or be with her. I encouraged him through this process to find what really made him happy, and let him know I thought that was and could be us together. Maybe to my own demise I stood by him and listened to him talk about things that hurt me to my core (his possible strong feelings for her, etc). Looking back I wish I had used those three weeks to read forums and books, learn how I should be handling the situation and learn more about affairs and the fog. But I wanted to encourage him, I thought by letting him know I was dedicated to his happiness he would realize how great he had it.
In a way he did. He has never once put blame on me for his actions, he says I'm amazing and that if he ever doubted my love he doesn't anymore. He says he's shocked by how well I handled everything.
Then it changed. He got the final check from OW towards the end of a week, and didn't talk to her over that weekend. We went out on the new boat with his kids that Sunday, and it was a very tense day. That night I told him I didn't know what the new attitude was but I couldn't handle too much of it… he was short with me, barely acknowledging I was there. He broke down and told me that something had changed in his mind, that his thoughts weren't 95% towards me anymore. I now believe that was just the effect of not talking to her, and if he had stuck it out we could be okay right now… but I digress.
So three weeks to the day after D-Day I left our home. The reason I left instead of him is because I didn't want to stay there alone, or have to attempt to take care of our RV alone. I've since changed my mind and decided I want to move back in, regardless of whether he stays or goes.
The night he told me about the separation I asked to stay an extra day, and he came home early the next day to sit and talk with me. We talked for six hours, about everything and nothing… we've been able to find reasons to laugh even through this mess, and at that time he was still loving and caring.
Today it's been a little over seven weeks since I left. He texts me just about every morning, asking how I slept usually. He's been checking my FB messages daily (he doesn't know I know that, my app is on his phone). But he shows no signs of wanting to get back together or try. I've given him space… no begging or crying or pleading. I've hardly even said anything about our relationship since I left, maybe more the first week than anything. He has come by to talk to me once, at my request, and we had a nice two hour talk. Some of it was casual, some was about the relationship. He was apologetic and friendly, but still no signs of wanting to try. One of the kids had a big event a few days after that meeting, and he even text to see if I was coming, met me at the door and sat with me so I wouldn't be alone. We talked like everything was normal.
Here's the kicker… during this whole seven weeks he's been talking to the OW. Texting, talking on the phone, and spending evenings at her house (not sure how often). They've been out a couple of times to eat. He's building a relationship with her and cutting the relationship with me off, and is now saying he's 'content' and has a sense of peace inside. He says he can't explain it, doesn't understand it, but that he just wasn't happy and maybe he fell out of love with me. My thoughts are maybe he wasn't as happy as he should have been, but we had all the ingredients there to fix that, until she came along.
I know it takes two, I completely understand that and hold him accountable for his part. One thing I don't understand is his choice… she has a strong reputation in this small town for the type of person she is. She has broken up many homes, and dated lots of less than reputable guys. None of the descriptions you hear of her are flattering. She's 12 years older than me (so is he), heavier set, and has pre-teen kids. She's possibly the last person I would have ever expected to see him with.
I'm rambling now, and I probably left something important out, but this is long enough. I'm just confused, and tired, and although a marriage coach and all my friends tell me I'm doing everything right it doesn't seem to be working, and it's frustrating. I know in my gut we could work through this and things can be better than they were, but I can't convince him of that, and I don't want to try for fear of pushing him farther away. He hasn't mentioned divorce yet, he says he's trying not to rush things. I think he's confused as to what he wants still. The only thing I know to do is keep trying in a way that's authentic to me so I don't regret it no matter what he decides.
Any thoughts on my long and complicated situation?
