Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
21 - 40 of 94 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,970 Posts
So you'd advise that she simply take her husband at his word, even though he's already lied about not having been involved w/ someone else?

Seems like good advice.

:lol: :rofl:
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
12,144 Posts
Software? Back ups? Recovering deleted items?? Wow. Trying to prove deception with deception is a clear path to divorce. If your are working towards progress, then recovering the past needs to stop. If you have decided against progress, then recovering the past is useless anyhow.

If he is spending his time trying to make things right while you're spending your time recovering things, your problems will just continue to compound. You are trying to find proof that he is lying to you while you already distrust him? That makes a lot of sense. Stop taking advice from people pushing you to go behind his back recovering deleted files because secrecy is exactly what caused these problems.

If you are going to work on your relationship, let it go and move forward. If your are too consumed with what lies in the past then the relationship is over. Atleast let him move forward with his life. You'll never find happiness in the same place you lost it so either you both make a clean break towards building a new future together or part ways immediately.
I mean, shoot, he would have no reason to lie, right? Right?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,701 Posts
Software? Back ups? Recovering deleted items?? Wow. Trying to prove deception with deception is a clear path to divorce. If your are working towards progress, then recovering the past needs to stop. If you have decided against progress, then recovering the past is useless anyhow.

If he is spending his time trying to make things right while you're spending your time recovering things, your problems will just continue to compound. You are trying to find proof that he is lying to you while you already distrust him? That makes a lot of sense. Stop taking advice from people pushing you to go behind his back recovering deleted files because secrecy is exactly what caused these problems.

If you are going to work on your relationship, let it go and move forward. If your are too consumed with what lies in the past then the relationship is over. Atleast let him move forward with his life. You'll never find happiness in the same place you lost it so either you both make a clean break towards building a new future together or part ways immediately.
You recomend rugsweeping as a way of dealing with a cheating spouse?

Oh, OK.

Well, please tell us how the cheated on spouse can cope when they are continuing to live with the person who broke their heart yet doesn't give a damn?

I really would like to know.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,322 Posts
Apex.... you are the OP's spouse aren't you?....... come on, admit it, because there is no one else that would offer the advice you have.

OP, so sorry you are here. Keep in contact as many good people here who have been and seen this many times....unfortantely.

(whew, so close to saying something that would get me banned)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
321 Posts
You recomend rugsweeping as a way of dealing with a cheating spouse?

Oh, OK.

Well, please tell us how the cheated on spouse can cope when they are continuing to live with the person who broke their heart yet doesn't give a damn?

I really would like to know.
There is only one way to deal with a cheating spouse and the OP chose to deviate from it.


To suggest she become deceptive herself will only produce more problems for both of them. I am surprised no one has even mentioned it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,970 Posts
There is only one way to deal with a cheating spouse and the OP chose to deviate from it.

To suggest she become deceptive herself will only produce more problems for both of them. I am surprised no one has even mentioned it.
If her husband were to get indignant and blow up over her doing some discrete verification of his version of events, then there'd be nothing at all there worth saving.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
321 Posts
Apex.... you are the OP's spouse aren't you?....... come on, admit it, because there is no one else that would offer the advice you have.

OP, so sorry you are here. Keep in contact as many good people here who have been and seen this many times....unfortantely.

(whew, so close to saying something that would get me banned)
I worked street level law enforcement for 12 years, and have dealt with thousands of domestic disputes. Finances and cheating spouses are the top two reasons relationships fail. To suggest deception to uncover deception is to provide a sure path to divorce. The OP decided the infidelity was not enough. My understanding is that the OP is attempting to save her marriage, not absolutely kill it.

OP... by using deception to uncover deception, you'll end up with an angry husband instead of an open one. Men are much more comfortable with being angry than hurt so understand that the "hurt" phase that he is in has a limited number of days. Don't take his feelings into consideration since he didn't afford you the same. But to be deceptive yourself in seeking confirmation for what you already know will come at the sure cost of your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,197 Posts
OP, your husband had an affair and they slept together. Woman here, 57 years old, and 35 years married (first marriage for both my husband and I). Your husband told you once that he wanted a divorce. He had a change of heart. He left his job which could be indicative that he no longer wanted the affair to continue. This is because you caught him, not that he stopped on his own.

Your husband needs to be truthful to you. He believes that since he had stopped his affair and changed jobs, he no longer needs to address his infidelity. Wrong, you need to see a marriage counselor to address this issue. Otherwise, you will not heal. Your husband needs to accept responsibility for his reckless behavior and suffer the consequence of his actions. If you do not address this issue, his affair will be rugswept. Most likely, this scenario will repeat again. Then what?

Be strong. Do not be a doormat. Your husband is tantruming to get his way. You must be ready to walk away from this marriage, if he doesn't accept the full responsibility of his infidelity and help you heal. Your choice...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,970 Posts
I worked street level law enforcement for 12 years, and have dealt with thousands of domestic disputes. Finances and cheating spouses are the top two reasons relationships fail. To suggest deception to uncover deception is to provide a sure path to divorce. The OP decided the infidelity was not enough. My understanding is that the OP is attempting to save her marriage, not absolutely kill it.

OP... by using deception to uncover deception, you'll end up with an angry husband instead of an open one. Men are much more comfortable with being angry than hurt so understand that the "hurt" phase that he is in has a limited number of days. Don't take his feelings into consideration since he didn't afford you the same. But to be deceptive yourself in seeking confirmation for what you already know will come at the sure cost of your marriage.
If the overall perspective that you're looking to communicate w/ your commentary is "Spouse cheated? File for divorce ASAP...", well, I can get behind that.

But the whole "using deception to counter deception is pointless" argument falls flat w/ me. After all, everyone has their deal-breakers. If a given BS is inclined to reconcile w/ his/her WS, but ONLY if the affair didn't go beyond a certain point, or include certain acts, or whatever, then I'd advise the BS to use any and all means at his/her disposal to verify that to his/her satisfaction.

In the end, though, if the BS finds that he or she can't be assured of that, then yeah... file.

Still, I get hat you're saying.

Your posts remind me of @Rookie4, by the way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
321 Posts
If the overall perspective that you're looking to communicate w/ your commentary is "Spouse cheated? File for divorce ASAP...", well, I can get behind that.

But the whole "using deception to counter deception is pointless" argument falls flat w/ me. After all, everyone has their deal-breakers. If a given BS is inclined to reconcile w/ his/her WS, but ONLY if the affair didn't go beyond a certain point, or include certain acts, or whatever, then I'd advise the BS to use any and all means at his/her disposal to verify that to his/her satisfaction.

In the end, though, if the BS finds that he or she can't be assured of that, then yeah... file.

Still, I get hat you're saying.

Your posts remind me of @Rookie4, by the way.
The OP stated she could get past the issue of her husband and this other woman sleeping together but she could NOT cope with discovering new lies from the relationship as the days progress. Why would we help her do that? Giving her advice on how to discover new lies is the equivalent of giving showing her the path to divorce, which she clearly has expressed she isn't seeking. It's easy to give advice especially when we don't have to deal with the consequences.

I suggest that if the OP is going to be forgiving, and we aren't here to judge her for that, then she should look for solutions for the future. Being deceptive to uncover deception is counter productive.

My professional opinion is that she cease using software, data recovery apps, or whatever other spy programs were suggested if she wants to save her marriage.

Without knowing considerably a lot more about these two as individuals and thier history together, I'm keeping my personal opinion to myself.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,701 Posts
There is only one way to deal with a cheating spouse and the OP chose to deviate from it.


To suggest she become deceptive herself will only produce more problems for both of them. I am surprised no one has even mentioned it.
Only one way, your way?

That's not even close to being true.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,238 Posts
There is only one way to deal with a cheating spouse and the OP chose to deviate from it.


To suggest she become deceptive herself will only produce more problems for both of them. I am surprised no one has even mentioned it.

she is not being deceptive she is just looking for truth. You plan is called "rug sweeping" not a smart move imo.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,701 Posts
she is not being deceptive she is just looking for truth. You plan is called "rug sweeping" not a smart move imo.
Also, Apexmale, as a former police officer I would have thought you would have been aware of the use of surveillance techniques electronic and otherwise, the use of undercover evidence gathering with police spies within organisations and the like?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
321 Posts
Also, Apexmale, as a former police officer I would have thought you would have been aware of the use of surveillance techniques electronic and otherwise, the use of undercover evidence gathering with police spies within organisations and the like?
Posted via Mobile Device
Of course, such as wiretapping, GPS tracking, email intercepting? We all know and have heard how all of that gets thrown out of courts due to the deception methods in gathering evidence. Thanks for the perfect example!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
321 Posts
she is not being deceptive she is just looking for truth. You plan is called "rug sweeping" not a smart move imo.
She isn't looking for the truth, she already knows it just as much as the rest of us. The OP stated she would forgive her husband even if he slept with the other woman. Advising her to use deception methods to possibly uncover additional lies will also result in requiring her to provide additional forgiveness. I would NEVER give that type of personal advice. That is severely destructive and the long term effects will carry over to any future relationships that may come to fruition later on in her life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,521 Posts
OK Delamo - sorry to have you here but here are my thoughts:


  • First and foremost, you have to know that there is a very high chance that they slept together, kissed passionately and even got emotionally attached - and they did this possibly for longer than you think.

  • So you have to see your "husband" in the clear light of day. He is a lying, cheating, disrespectful [email protected]! And he is reasonably good at it. Accomplished liar for example. He is not someone who is sorry he hurt you - he is sorry he got caught and lost his cake-eating life. He left his job to protect himself not your marriage or you. I really hope you see all of this and accept that there is a very high chance (90%+) that I am right.

  • Now given all of this, explain to me exactly why you want to hang on to this marriage? You love him ? How can you ? You are afraid ? Of what ? Will you be alone after ? Definitely not! So why ? Why put yourself in a position of staying with someone who doesn't respect you or love you (and you probably don't really love anymore) and face the risk of him doing it all over again since he really hasn't faced any consequences and already wants you to "drop it" and has almost certainly not come clean about the whole truth (which is the most destructive thing here). So why not dump his sorry a$$ ?

  • And finally, you really need to start building yourself up. If you must stay keep up the stealth surveillance as per advice on this forum. Get yourself into a position where it doesn't matter if he is there or not. Improve your health and appearance. Then calmly and clearly decide if this is the relationship you want. And if not, dump him and carefully find someone worthwhile.

Take care.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,701 Posts
Of course, such as wiretapping, GPS tracking, email intercepting? We all know and have heard how all of that gets thrown out of courts due to the deception methods in gathering evidence. Thanks for the perfect example!
But in the case of infidelity it is rare that such evidence is for a court. It is for peace of mind.

Knowing that your suspicions are correct means you can divorce with the knowledge that your spouse is a cheating POS.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,322 Posts
I confronted my wife, she went to bedroom, packed two bags, and walked the 4 blocks to the other mans home and moved in with him, this after 30 years of marriage. Guess what! I then knew they were having an affair! That they slept together! but guess what! I still needed to know when it started, how it started, when and where they met, lots of stuff. I spent longer looking for evidence than it took me to get divorced..... 82 days.

This is why the OP's use of "deceptive" acts is not only justified, but really to be expected. SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW. The only other way would be to ask her husband straight up....how has that worked for her so far?

I wanted so badly to save my marriage, it was her originally that pushed the agenda, once I sorta (believe me it took a long time to REALLY know and accept) figured she wasn't coming back I went along. If OP's H gets shi**y then she has nothing to save, the only way this marriage can be saved is if BOTH are totally committed. So actually if he does find out and act out badly, that is just more information she will have.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,970 Posts
The OP stated she could get past the issue of her husband and this other woman sleeping together but she could NOT cope with discovering new lies from the relationship as the days progress. Why would we help her do that? Giving her advice on how to discover new lies is the equivalent of giving showing her the path to divorce, which she clearly has expressed she isn't seeking. It's easy to give advice especially when we don't have to deal with the consequences.

I suggest that if the OP is going to be forgiving, and we aren't here to judge her for that, then she should look for solutions for the future. Being deceptive to uncover deception is counter productive.

My professional opinion is that she cease using software, data recovery apps, or whatever other spy programs were suggested if she wants to save her marriage.

Without knowing considerably a lot more about these two as individuals and thier history together, I'm keeping my personal opinion to myself.
Of course, such as wiretapping, GPS tracking, email intercepting? We all know and have heard how all of that gets thrown out of courts due to the deception methods in gathering evidence. Thanks for the perfect example!
She isn't looking for the truth, she already knows it just as much as the rest of us. The OP stated she would forgive her husband even if he slept with the other woman. Advising her to use deception methods to possibly uncover additional lies will also result in requiring her to provide additional forgiveness. I would NEVER give that type of personal advice. That is severely destructive and the long term effects will carry over to any future relationships that may come to fruition later on in her life.
Ideally, a BS -- having discovered that his or her WS is engaging or has engaged in an affair -- would be able to trust the word of his or her WS, but be real... that's almost NEVER the case. Waywards lie. Hell, it's one of THE hallmark characteristics of what makes a wayward a wayward.

Getting to the truth isn't about having something that you can pull out in court to show the judge and say, "Look! He's cheating, and I have irrefutable proof!" Rather, it's about determining whether or not the BS can actually trust what the WS is saying.

"Where do the lies end?"
"Where does the truth begin?"
"Who is the OW?"
"Who else knew?"
"Was anyone else complicit in keeping the truth from me?"
"Who can I trust going forward?"

All your nifty rationalizations aside, to advise a BS to both choose and make sincere efforts toward reconciliation in the face of his or her WS's lies is nothing short of reckless and... well, stupid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
321 Posts
All I can do is give my professional advice from experience, without knowing a lot more about thier history and a lot more about them as individual's, I just can't give my personal opinion.

I am not at all surprised, people don't really want progress, they want vengeance in the form of leverage. Discovering more lies, to ask more questions. 99% of the time. personal opinion would take precedence, it was mostly always the reason why we'd get called back to deal with the same couples, having the same problems, week after week, month after month.

Seeking out the "Where do the lies end? Where does the truth begin?, Who is the other woman? Who else knew? Was anyone else complicit in keeping the truth from me/ Who can I trust going forward?" answers can turn out to be lies just as well. Additionally, I am not asking her to choose, the OP has already chosen to forgive all on her own.

To advise the OP to apply her own deception is going to lead to questions similiar to the one's you posted. This will sure lead to certain divorce because the concept is simple, the more questions you ask, the more doubt you create.
 
21 - 40 of 94 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top