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Agree that a best friend dying is a rough experience, and airlines can be horrible, but a three day bender seems a stronger reaction than the causes should produce. I suspect there's some kind of additional hidden factor in all of this adding to what happened with him. And note that I have no idea what that factor is, I just suspect it exists.

And unfortunately, the story arc of one half of a couple going to a funeral, and having a complete meltdown / cheating / yada yada yada, is somewhat common. Especially if they've had any kind of prior emotional trauma in their life. It comes as a double whammy of the dead person being gone, AND their partner isn't physically there, so in the moment it comes as a sort of double abandonment. I've seen so many marriage ending critical moments from these scenarios my strong advice is either both go, or both stay home. And in all the cases it was a logistical issue that caused just one person to go to the funeral - money, couldn't get time off, kids needing to be watched, etc etc. It all felt like a forced move to the couple, one of them had to go, and one of them had to stay home. None of it looked like a disaster in the making at the time.

Plus the person that goes alone, ALWAYS says they will be fine to go by themselves... and then at some point absolutely not fine at all kicks in and it all goes sideways.

And please note I'm not assigning blame or giving excuses to anyone here. All I'm saying is I've seen this movie dozens of times now and if it goes bad, that's the way it usually goes.

It's all just rather unfortunate.
Don't you think that is weird that a person can't even go to a funeral without their spouse without acting like a total idiot? It's as if once they are away from their spouse they loose all of their common sense and moral values.
Millions fly on planes every day and they seem to cope without getting drunk, I don't get that part at all. Not as if he was flying to the other side of the world or had a near crash experience.
 

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Who would have thought that a funeral was a great way to end a marriage (except for the subject of the funeral)? And if you're blacked out drunk, you're forgiven. Cool beans.
Don't you think that is weird that a person can't even go to a funeral without their spouse without acting like a total idiot? It's as if once they are away from their spouse they loose all of their common sense and moral values.
Millions fly on planes every day and they seem to cope without getting drunk, I don't get that part at all. Not as if he was flying to the other side of the world or had a near crash experience.
However, we are asked to believe that he was too drunk to fight off his attacker. In many states, her giving him a blowjob against his will is a "crime against nature." Having him dip his stick in her oil pan against his will is rape in EVERY state. When attacked sexually, the proper reaction is to call law enforcement so that the perpetrator will not attack other "innocent" "victims". The pieces of this puzzle just don't fit together.

If BS is willing to forgive and forget, good for her. That's totally within her rights to do so. Maybe the world will be a better place for spouses who are willing to overlook betrayal by their spouses. However, excusing his actions because he was very drunk (maybe) will probably come back to haunt her. If it does, she can deal with it then. TAM will be here to help if it does. BS came here for advice, and even though this is not what she wanted to hear, it's what she at least needs to consider.
 
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Yeh that's why many people don't drink. Because they don't want to act like total idiots.
i joined a fraternity, back in the day. it was at a BIGTIME drinking school, and this fraternity was one of the bigger drinking frats!
we actively felt out the pledges as we recruited them. there are really two types of drunks:
1) those that get more fun and love to party and you love to party with them
and
2) those that get mean, cause fights, say stupid ****, and make horrific decisions.

We sought out the 1)s, and tried hard to weed out the 2)s.

my point? that are people who can be "good drunks".
If you are a "bad drunk", or are married to a "bad drunk", life is not going to go too well. perhaps you really do need to cut out ALL drinking!

I am not sure i can comment on if people are responsible or not for making poor decisions when drunk. they certainly DO become a different person. And i am sure they feel remorse when they sober up. but it IS them deciding to go out drinking that starts the ball rolling....so they can not be totally absolved of the guilt.
 

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Don't you think that is weird that a person can't even go to a funeral without their spouse without acting like a total idiot? It's as if once they are away from their spouse they loose all of their common sense and moral values.
Millions fly on planes every day and they seem to cope without getting drunk, I don't get that part at all. Not as if he was flying to the other side of the world or had a near crash experience.
I agree that it looks "weird", but I'm confident there's a hidden factor motivating all of this that would make his "weird" behavior seem far more predictable.

The basic rule is that behaviors all have motivations, and extreme behaviors have extreme motivations. So when you see someone suddenly do something weird for them / major change in their behavior... you have to look for the answer to the "why" question.

It's as if once they are away from their spouse they loose all of their common sense and moral values.

Usually it's more like when they are with their partner they are consciously holding it all together in a situation they are deeply unhappy with. Then once away from their partner, it's like they finally exhale and drop the containment field on a mountain of pent up emotion. Then it comes out all an giant jumble of excess or letting loose et al.

And again, just to be clear, I'm not trying to justify or excuse anything people do, I'm just saying once you can discover the motivations, the behavior becomes better understood and predictable.
 

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We all make mistakes, but this is a biggie. Is he an alcoholic, drinking non stop for days.How did he get an erection? No whiskey d---? You both would've been better off if he never had told you. Chalk it up to being a drunken, horny fool. But he did tell you. Maybe counseling is in order? I don't know how close you were before this mistake. Good luck.
 

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Yes.

OP, your husband was aware enough to remember what happened enough to tell you. Drunk or not, he still thought it was okay to be that close to another woman. It didn't feel wrong to him. It's not like he had amnesia and forgot who he was and who you were.
he is using being drunk as an excuse to fool around. I'm not buying his remorse. Some things are better left unsaid. This is one of them.
 
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