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He choose to drink for 3 days probably knowing that it was bad idea. Being drunk is never as excuse to act badly and shatter other people's lives.
when he is drunk, how does he act?
does he go crazy, do stupid things, and not remember him doing them?
Or does he just become a party animal, and acts fun and horny?

what i am trying to ask is: was he incapable of making a rational decision about cheating with some woman who turned him on, OR was he fairly rational even though he was drunk?

it would make a difference to me, if he CHOSE to cheat, and was blackout drunk and incapable of thinking anything thru
 

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I don't think it's so uncommon. I'm not trying to argue with your opinion that it's disrespectful but I think it's worth recognizing that people can deal with pain in destructive ways that create problems like this. Not everyone's reaction to tragic death is praying for the departed or going to church. Some people do self destructive things like drinking to dangerous levels, taking risks, doing violent things, destroying property, doing drugs, and yes, seeking intimacy from the wrong people. Disrespectful to the dead or not, these types of things regularly happen.
It may happen but it's no excuse to cheat on your spouse. It's a decision to get drunk do drugs or whatever, and we all know that people act terribly when they drink. It's just not worth the risk.
 

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when he is drunk, how does he act?
does he go crazy, do stupid things, and not remember him doing them?
Or does he just become a party animal, and acts fun and horny?

what i am trying to ask is: was he incapable of making a rational decision about cheating with some woman who turned him on, OR was he fairly rational even though he was drunk?

it would make a difference to me, if he CHOSE to cheat, and was blackout drunk and incapable of thinking anything thru
He remembered what happened quite clearly so clearly wasn't totally blotto.
 

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People do stupid things like getting drunk. The problem is once you are so drunk you have no control over your body, not even over your mouth to say hi or no. Your mind goes on and off, it's a very weird state of mind.

Have you ever been so drunk you feel you have no control over your body?

Because it's real, you can behave badly while drunk and regret your actions the next day.

Not an excuse but this is what happens and why people do crazy sh*t while drunk.
Yeh that's why many people don't drink. Because they don't want to act like total idiots.
 

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I don't think it's so uncommon. I'm not trying to argue with your opinion that it's disrespectful but I think it's worth recognizing that people can deal with pain in destructive ways that create problems like this. Not everyone's reaction to tragic death is praying for the departed or going to church. Some people do self destructive things like drinking to dangerous levels, taking risks, doing violent things, destroying property, doing drugs, and yes, seeking intimacy from the wrong people. Disrespectful to the dead or not, these types of things regularly happen.
I think funerals there must be very different from here in the UK. I have been to a fair few funerals and no one got drunk. People acted respectfully and talked and remembered and had a lunch or whatever and then went home.
Many didn't even have alcohol from what I remember. It's not like a wedding or party. It's about remembering the one who died and supporting the family.
 

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I think this is pretty common. There's obviously a lot of emotion when someone dies like that. A shared sense of sorrow can often bring people together like this. Your own husband or wife may not have had a strong bond to the departed (seems to be the case here) so there could be powerful feelings when two people are going through the same sorrow and others in their life can't really understand.

This is in no way an excuse but I don't think it's constructive to just label it as "sick". I doubt that it was a matter of him eyeing up someone at a funeral and looking for a good time or using the funeral to get laid. Just like he wasn't drinking to "party" or have a good time during this either.
I totally agree and the quote was typical judge mental stuff.
Telling one’s spouse right after is not the sign of a typical cheater who normally hide everything from their spouse.
 

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Lots of comments are based on theory here, without having been in the situation. Conan has, I have and I can tell you, you don't do it on purpose, it's the alcohol. It's not you. Of course I'm happy it hasn't happened to you. It's not pleasant.
I understand this viewpoint and agree to an extent, but we have to also draw a line somewhere, being drunk doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for your actions, which is why drunk driving is prosecuted.

OP is reconciling, so she is giving him a break and a chance and I think she’s gotten some good advice on how to move forward without trying to “forgive and forget” and that it would be wise to treat this as true infidelity not “I didn’t know what I was doing I was too drunk”. I don’t know any BS can make peace with that excuse. I still think Conan's situation is different. Maybe because I trust his perspective more and that makes me biased.
 

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Yeh that's why many people don't drink. Because they don't want to act like total idiots.
My question was have you ever been so drunk you couldn't move?

I have, and I remember most of the night. I remember not being able to move. So the guy remembered but that doesn't mean he could do much because he was so drunk.

You can be drunk thinking "I'm not too drunk I can keep on drinking" but when the alcohol gets in your system you are done.
 

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I think funerals there must be very different from here in the UK. I have been to a fair few funerals and no one got drunk. People acted respectfully and talked and remembered and had a lunch or whatever and then went home.
Many didn't even have alcohol from what I remember. It's not like a wedding or party. It's about remembering the one who died and supporting the family.
Of course they are different! You live in a different continent!

Going for a funeral doesn't mean you stay and drink at the funeral (not that much.) Op hasn't said where he got so drunk, it could have been at a bar, at a house, that's not clear yet.
 

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It may happen but it's no excuse to cheat on your spouse. It's a decision to get drunk do drugs or whatever, and we all know that people act terribly when they drink. It's just not worth the risk.
In the US, the law says that if you choose to drink (a sober decision) then you choose the consequences of your actions that happen while you're drinking. That's why we put drunk drivers in jail. Just think of a drunk driver killing someone in your family, and the drunk driver uses the excuse, "I was so intoxicated that I didn't know what I was doing. I was totally helpless to avoid driving head on into your family member. I didn't steer the car into the other lane. It did it by itself. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again." It's really sad that some people here, based on the responses we've seen to OP's husband's situation, may find this excuse acceptable. I don't. If OP accepts it, she'll have to deal with it again down the road. It's her choice, though. He was able to dip his wick into her well and remember it, so he wasn't paralyzed by alcohol.
 

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My question was have you ever been so drunk you couldn't move?

I have, and I remember most of the night. I remember not being able to move. So the guy remembered but that doesn't mean he could do much because he was so drunk.

You can be drunk thinking "I'm not too drunk I can keep on drinking" but when the alcohol gets in your system you are done.
He remembers what happened and seemed to be taking part as much as he was able. He went home with her so he clearly could move more than effectively.
Honestly anyone would think that someone poured the drink down his throat while he was tied up. It was his decision to drink more even when this lady started showing an interest. It was his decision to go home with her from a funeral to have sex.
No excuses are good enough.
 

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In the US, the law says that if you choose to drink (a sober decision) then you choose the consequences of your actions that happen while you're drinking. That's why we put drunk drivers in jail. Just think of a drunk driver killing someone in your family, and the drunk driver uses the excuse, "I was so intoxicated that I didn't know what I was doing. I was totally helpless to avoid driving head on into your family member. I didn't steer the car into the other lane. It did it by itself. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again."
It can also be completely true.

It's really sad that some people here, based on the responses we've seen to OP's husband's situation, may find this excuse acceptable. I don't. If OP accepts it, she'll have to deal with it again down the road. It's her choice, though. He was able to dip his wick into her well and remember it, so he wasn't paralyzed by alcohol.
Accepting it is a completely separate question.

Before I was married, I got blackout drunk one night. I "came too" in the middle of a sexual encounter with someone that sober I would not have touched with a 10 foot pole - I know this, because I worked with her for a year or two with no interest on my part. When I say "came too", I mean it exactly like that - it was like a light switch flipping on. I have absolutely no recollection of how I got there. In today's climate, were I a woman, it would probably qualify for another word.

Having learned that lesson, I think that's the last time I got that hammered. I suppose my point is that it had to happen to me once before I knew this about myself.
 
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In the US, the law says that if you choose to drink (a sober decision) then you choose the consequences of your actions that happen while you're drinking. That's why we put drunk drivers in jail. Just think of a drunk driver killing someone in your family, and the drunk driver uses the excuse, "I was so intoxicated that I didn't know what I was doing. I was totally helpless to avoid driving head on into your family member. I didn't steer the car into the other lane. It did it by itself. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again." It's really sad that some people here, based on the responses we've seen to OP's husband's situation, may find this excuse acceptable. I don't. If OP accepts it, she'll have to deal with it again down the road. It's her choice, though. He was able to dip his wick into her well and remember it, so he wasn't paralyzed by alcohol.
I find it appalling that people here who normally condemn a person for cheating are excusing him because he drank too much, just because once when they were single they drank too much and had sex with someone.
This was a married man with children. Not a silly 18 year old. A man who has acted terribly.
Yes drink driving is a pet hate of mine.
 

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I find it appalling that people here who normally condemn a person for cheating are excusing him because he drank too much, just because once when they were single they drank too much and had sex with someone.
This was a married man with children. Not a silly 18 year old. A man who has acted terribly.
Yes drink driving is a pet hate of mine.
I'm with you. There's a disconnect somewhere. In my state, it took a lot of lobbying to get our legislators to take drunk driving seriously. Why? We discovered that most of the legislators abuse alcohol and drive drunk. Maybe a lot of the defenders here have problems with alcohol. I don't.

When people report their own actions as justification for the excuse, they're not observing their situation as an arm's length matter. They're defending based on their on emotions and biases. That's human nature.
 

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It can also be completely true.



Accepting it is a completely separate question.

Before I was married, I got blackout drunk one night. I "came too" in the middle of a sexual encounter with someone that sober I would not have touched with a 10 foot pole - I know this, because I worked with her for a year or two with no interest on my part. When I say "came too", I mean it exactly like that - it was like a light switch flipping on. I have absolutely no recollection of how I got there. In today's climate, were I a woman, it would probably qualify for another word.

Having learned that lesson, I think that's the last time I got that hammered. I suppose my point is that it had to happen to me once before I knew this about myself.
He didn't wake up with someone he made the decision to leave a funeral to go to a woman's house to have sex. Good that you learnt though.
I got drunk a few times in my teens but once I realized that all it was doing was making me sick and feeling awful the next day I realized how pointless it was.
 

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I'm with you. There's a disconnect somewhere. In my state, it took a lot of lobbying to get our legislators to take drunk driving seriously. Why? We discovered that most of the legislators abuse alcohol and drive drunk. Maybe a lot of the defenders here have problems with alcohol. I don't.

When people report their own actions as justification for the excuse, they're not observing their situation as an arm's length matter. They're defending based on their on emotions and biases. That's human nature.
Yep you have hit the nail on the head. We can excuse things if we have done them. As I see it though doing something as an immature silly 17 year old is v different from a mature married man with children.
 

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When people report their own actions as justification for the excuse, they're not observing their situation as an arm's length matter. They're defending based on their on emotions and biases. That's human nature.
And conversely, in my experience, those who are the most strident in declaring everyone else flawed often have the most skeletons in their closet.
 
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And conversely, in my experience, those who are the most strident in declaring everyone else flawed often have the most skeletons in their closet.
As you try to declare everyone else except you as flawed. LOL
 

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As you try to declare everyone else except you as flawed. LOL
Are you ****ing joking? You couldn't be further from the truth. I am as or more flawed than most - plus I have the added benefit of a lot of years of hindsight to temper my rage at the failings of others.
 

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It can also be completely true.



Accepting it is a completely separate question.

Before I was married, I got blackout drunk one night. I "came too" in the middle of a sexual encounter with someone that sober I would not have touched with a 10 foot pole - I know this, because I worked with her for a year or two with no interest on my part. When I say "came too", I mean it exactly like that - it was like a light switch flipping on. I have absolutely no recollection of how I got there. In today's climate, were I a woman, it would probably qualify for another word.

Having learned that lesson, I think that's the last time I got that hammered. I suppose my point is that it had to happen to me once before I knew this about myself.
Well, yet another rape of a **** faced man. I’ve learned a great deal from this thread and I have a lot to teach my son.

I am honestly disgusted with the world right now. What is going on with all these female rapists?
 
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