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Yeah. There is nothing quite like waking up the next day and loathing yourself for what you realize happened the night before.

The big girl happened when I was at a party with my friends but they were out of it as well and I had a reputation so they probably didn't give me a second thought.

Nothing quite like not being able to move because you are numb and having someone, you do NOT want, taking her time with you.😵

I hadn't had any more than passing conversations with the coworker. My then girlfriend/now wife broke up with me and I was distraught so I brilliantly went out and got hammered. I went where a lot of coworkers hung out and one made sure I got home but the problem is it wasn't my home...

One of the worst moments of my life was the cold feeling in my core when I woke up the next day and realized what happened.

It doesn't sound like OP's husband really wanted it from what I can glean and I know from experience that men can be taken without being able to give consent.

I did learn to never become vulnerable in certain situations again.
This is rape Conan. I’m sorry this happened to you. Many men have been arrested and prosecuted for doing this to women, it’s unfortunate women are not held to the same standards.
 

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This is rape Conan. I’m sorry this happened to you. Many men have been arrested and prosecuted for doing this to women, it’s unfortunate women are not held to the same standards.
Yup. I'm just sharing data that can show men can get drunk and not be all that consenting to what happens especially with a determined and sober woman.
 

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I did learn to never become vulnerable in certain situations again.
I agree with QR, i's rape. However, this sentence stood out to me. Please don't take this as me dismissing your pain or blaming you.

My point to kampeaches is that her husband needs to choose who he becomes vulnerable with carefully, not just for his personal safety and well-being, but for his marriage and family.

Many people on this thread have looked at reconciliation favorably b/c of her husband's "honesty" and the circumstances, but I caution OP against being too actively involved in R. She might end up sending the wrong message and rugsweep in her haste to reconcile. Let him work for it. It's too easy to have your good nature, vulnerability and fear be taken for granted if your forgiveness is too freely given.
 

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I agree with QR, i's rape. However, this sentence stood out to me. Please don't take this as me dismissing your pain or blaming you.

My point to kampeaches is that her husband needs to choose who he becomes vulnerable with carefully, not just for his personal safety and well-being, but for his marriage and family.

Many people on this thread have looked at reconciliation favorably b/c of her husband's "honesty" and the circumstances, but I caution OP against being too actively involved in R. She might end up sending the wrong message and rugsweep in her haste to reconcile. Let him work for it. It's too easy to have your good nature, vulnerability and fear be taken for granted if your forgiveness is too freely given.
That's a good point of view.
 

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Yup. I'm just sharing data that can show men can get drunk and not be all that consenting to what happens especially with a determined and sober woman.
Yes, I agree with this.

I don’t think we can know if the WH in this situation was having drunk consensual sex (which most people have done), if OW was actually sober, if it even went down that way... which is why I can’t in my mind give her advice as to him being allegedly raped because cheaters are known to say that kind of **** all the time.

I do not think he should get a pass, I think it should be treated as such that he had choices and options and they proceed with reconciliation by accepting that it was true infidelity and not rape. (I’m not saying you think he is or should get a pass, I’m just expounding)
 

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This is rape Conan. I’m sorry this happened to you. Many men have been arrested and prosecuted for doing this to women, it’s unfortunate women are not held to the same standards.
The standards are the same. He should have reported these assaults. In some states, there is no statute of limitations on rape. If he lives in one of those states, he can still report them. Of course hel'll probably get high fives from the law enforcement officers.
 

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The standards are the same. He should have reported these assaults. In some states, there is no statute of limitations on rape. If he lives in one of those states, he can still report them. Of course hel'll probably get high fives from the law enforcement officers.
I don’t think it’s taken as seriously when it happens to men. Even by the man it happened to. Same thing when teenage boys are groomed and raped by their female teachers and the difference with male teachers.

Im sorry for the T/j, but yes, if he felt sexually assaulted he should have reported it. But I can see why he wouldn’t, because no man I know of would. And I’m sure the legal process would be a nightmare.

I’m not certain OPs H was raped. I won’t even try to untangle that mess because cheaters do lie and say that stuff! Conan from his account definitely was.
 

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Kampeaches, first, I just want to say I'm really sorry you are having to go through this. Please don't feel like you need to make any decisions about what to do right away. It'll take time to sort everything out. Right now you probably wish this were all just a bad dream, something you never thought would be your reality, and you just want it to stop. The books already mentioned may be helpful. Forgive me, mods, if I'm not supposed to mention another site, but Surviving Infidelity can be a good one. (Some find it isn't for them, and others find it a lifesaver. It has a list of resources to start with.)

I would advise not making decisions based on any one feeling but also not minimizing any of this. Take care of yourself, one day at a time, emotionally and physically. You will sort through it all one piece at a time.
 

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It was someone with whom I had an LTR. Once she sobered up, it happened again (the next day), and he was fully capable of keeping it up.
This isn’t the case here. Apples to oranges.

OP’s husband didn’t proceed in the same way.
 

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I don’t think it’s taken as seriously when it happens to men. Even by the man it happened to. Same thing when teenage boys are groomed and raped by their female teachers and the difference with male teachers.

Im sorry for the T/j, but yes, if he felt sexually assaulted he should have reported it. But I can see why he wouldn’t, because no man I know of would. And I’m sure the legal process would be a nightmare.

I’m not certain OPs H was raped. I won’t even try to untangle that mess because cheaters do lie and say that stuff! Conan from his account definitely was.
If has been for the few that have tried.
 

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I think this is pretty common. There's obviously a lot of emotion when someone dies like that. A shared sense of sorrow can often bring people together like this. Your own husband or wife may not have had a strong bond to the departed (seems to be the case here) so there could be powerful feelings when two people are going through the same sorrow and others in their life can't really understand.

This is in no way an excuse but I don't think it's constructive to just label it as "sick". I doubt that it was a matter of him eyeing up someone at a funeral and looking for a good time or using the funeral to get laid. Just like he wasn't drinking to "party" or have a good time during this either.
It is in no way an excuse but it happens and if lots of alcohol was involved then the normal social inhibitions and boundaries are missing
 

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Most of us face losses in life, loosing a good friend at some point in our lives is probably pretty common among the population.
While it's positive that he has told his wife, I don't see how making excuses for his behaviour helps. What will he do if someone else in his life dies? Or he faces another loss? Get drunk again? Find another lady?

I hope for the children's sakes that they can make it work but there are no excuses for cheating that can justify something so very serious.
hopefully this will be a wake-up call that he cannot drink so excessively and needs to maintain boundaries to protect his marriage. No-one is making excuses for him. Hopefully it will make him realize what he almost lost.
How do you get past it?
1. Talk about it with him, make sure he is completely open and transparent, no rug sweeping
2. He must be the one to lead the recovery
3. Read literature suggested earlier (many books on Getting past the affair/the cheating, etc).
4. Get IC if you think it will help you to talk about it without judgement
5. Talk/confide in a close/trustworthy friend (someone who will not judge and be there for you)
6. seriously time is the best healer. take one day at a time. Do not be in a rush to forgive. be sure your WH is doing the work you need him to do to restore your trust. Let him know he has broken your trust, broken the marriage vows and it is up to him to work to restore the trust.
Take your time in dealing with the pain, hurt and emotions around this. Do not rug sweep as it will come back to bite you later.
 

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I doubt it's common but if it is then that's so disrespectful for the one who died and their family.
I don't think it's so uncommon. I'm not trying to argue with your opinion that it's disrespectful but I think it's worth recognizing that people can deal with pain in destructive ways that create problems like this. Not everyone's reaction to tragic death is praying for the departed or going to church. Some people do self destructive things like drinking to dangerous levels, taking risks, doing violent things, destroying property, doing drugs, and yes, seeking intimacy from the wrong people. Disrespectful to the dead or not, these types of things regularly happen.
 

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I doubt it's common but if it is then that's so disrespectful for the one who died and their family.
Let's just say it can be disrespectful, but in many, typical similar situations with one's original elementary school friends, now to grown and old friends ' status; it would be disrespectful to not have a celebration of life get together and extraordinary party in honor of that now lost friend who's passed.

That friend would want his closest in this world's friends to drink and party like they all did, growing up while learning their way in the world, celebrating all the firsts they and only they shared together and swapping stories only they're privy to.

Very common.
 

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He choose to drink for 3 days probably knowing that it was bad idea. Being drunk is never as excuse to act badly and shatter other people's lives.
People do stupid things like getting drunk. The problem is once you are so drunk you have no control over your body, not even over your mouth to say hi or no. Your mind goes on and off, it's a very weird state of mind.

Have you ever been so drunk you feel you have no control over your body?

Because it's real, you can behave badly while drunk and regret your actions the next day.

Not an excuse but this is what happens and why people do crazy **** while drunk.
 

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See my post a couple above.

I can say, in the tragic too young deaths of such as described close friends of mine, every funeral was not just the funeral but extraordinary celebration of life pot luck bbqs and days long get togethers at one of our friends homes, with large numbers of speakers, friends, telling old stories of how much the friend meant to each, and how he/she impacted our lives, and growth into adults.

The appreciation of knowing that friend and extended family was expressed, much love shared.

And yes, the drink and food flowed like water for days.
 
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