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Have a think about what boundaries you would like him to have going forward.
Such as no drinking. No being alone with any other women.
Making sure he knows that if it ever happens again it's over.
As for questions ask him everything you want to know. Many who cheat do leave things out though.
If it makes you feel better ask him for a lie detector test.
 

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The thing is, lots of people get drunk, but like I said, he didn't have amnesia. He knew who he was. He even remembers the incident. Why did it feel okay, even while drunk, to be in a sexual situation with another woman?
 

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The thing is, lots of people get drunk, but like I said, he didn't have amnesia. He knew who he was. He even remembers the incident. Why did it feel okay, even while drunk, to be in a sexual situation with another woman?
She's a peace with his explanation. Who are we to question her decision?
 

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She's a peace with his explanation. Who are we to question her decision?
Well it's a public forum, so I can post my thoughts in response to OP's situation and what to consider in moving forward. It's not a thread jack, so please, who are YOU to question my thoughts to OP?
 

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Thank you. I would really appreciate it. We are already setting about an hour a day to talk and get feelings out it is helping but I don't want to ask wrong questions.
An understanding should be established that you aren't asking wrong questions. You aren't trying to cause more damage. You are trying to work through your understandably negative emotions.

With this understanding between you, your questions should be allowed regardless of what they are.

How else are you supposed to work through your emotions?

I believe he will understand that it will be necessarily painful for both of you at times to work through this.

I'll get the list to you later today. Mrs. Conan is under the weather so I'm limited on how much time I can do other things until later this evening.
 

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The thing is, lots of people get drunk, but like I said, he didn't have amnesia. He knew who he was. He even remembers the incident. Why did it feel okay, even while drunk, to be in a sexual situation with another woman?
I can answer that easily. Being that drunk, you don't feel things normally.

I remember parts if my incident but I can honestly say I don't remember nearly as much if I had been sober and I really didn't enjoy myself because I wasn't myself. My inebriation was overwhelming pretty much every other sensation.

He tried to stop it and seems to have succeeded.

If he had better documentation and/or witnesses, he could have a case for sexual assault.
 

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As far as questions, you have to decide what you want to know. Fair warning, once you know, you can’t UN-know. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ask if you feel like you need to know, but at the same time, once you have the information, it will always be there.


I made the mistake of not asking enough questions. I did ask a lot of questions, some I got straight answers to, some I got half answers to. (I also talked to the OW for 2 hours so I got answers from her). I had a ton of questions in my head, but I reached a point where I was completely emotionally exhausted and then just shut down and thought to myseflf “that’s enough”. I didn’t WANT to know any more. But now 3 years later, I have questions I’ve never had answers to that I want answers to. But I know if I ask them, it’s just going to reopen the wound and give me something else to think about. There are a couple of questions burned into my brain that I get so close to asking sometimes, but never follow through because I don’t know if I really want to know or not. On the flip side, my husbands OW messaged him through her moms FB account about a month after I found out about the affair and said to him “there are things I didn’t tell her that I could have”. I confronted him about it, but he swears I know everything. I know that I don’t. And that question eats at me. “What don’t I know?” On the flip side, I so wish I just never would’ve found out anything, he stopped on his own and just worked on a better relationship and took it to his grave. If I didn’t know, it wouldn’t hurt. But since I know SOME, it burns that I need to know ALL.


That’s a decision only you can make. Are you satisfied with what you know? Or do you have more questions? If you have more and he’s being honest – ASK THEM. And do it quickly. Waiting to ask the questions prolongs your hurt. I know it’s a lot to process. And it seems like it would be easier to find out a little at a time. It’s not. Because once you know something, you start to process it and feel a tiny bit better. You wait a week and ask something else and trust me, it takes you right back into the thick of the pain. If you want to know everything – ask now. Get it out in the open, rip the band-aid off and process it all in as much of one fell swoop as you can. Or trust me, you’re just prolonging your pain.
 

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Hi kampeaches, I am sorry you are here today and hurting. As a fellow BS, I can tell you, you may never trust your husband 100% again, no matter how good a man you think he is now.

My circumstances were different though, so take my experience with a grain of salt. My first experience with being a BS (I had 3 with the same man b/c I was too damned forgiving, I really loved him and thought he loved me) was not as dramatic as yours.

I understand why you aren't considering divorce (2 children, and presumably your financial circumstances). Granted his infidelity happened when he was extremely vulnerable, but he still chose to get that drunk and go off alone with the woman.

Before all the drinkers (past/present) jump down my throat about my definite LACK of experience being blackout drunk
and not "understanding", consider why he was in the sole company of a "known homewrecker" in the first place, much less while in a drunken, emotionally vulnerable state. Where was everyone else?

Ok, so points for honesty, yucking up the details without prompting. My exH was supposedly an honest, upstanding "good" man who loved me. We were together for nearly 20 years, married just shy of 13. I loved him so much I was willing to forgive him the first 2 times b/c it was an EA. The 2nd time, he wanted to be "honest" and tell me before it became anything and wanted to do any and everything for me to stay. I regret wasting 10 years of my life on him, but we had no children to consider and admittedly, that was not the only rotten aspect of our marriage.

You are the one who has to live with the pain, constant distrust, reminders of his infidelity and resurgences at the most inopportune times. I think it was a good 5 years before I stopped panicking every time I heard him speaking about another woman too positively. I never trusted him after his first slip and although I was shocked, I wasn't at the same time that final betrayal.

Yes that is exactly what I'm asking. I love him and I know he loves me and we want to get through this. He's getting his help I need to get mine. Where do I start? What do I do? Do I stop asking questions? He is literally so honest with me all the time I don't know if I want to ask questions and hear the truth or if I just move on with information I know.
Thank you for your help. He is a very honest man and I know we both still love each other. He is having trouble with this whole thing and is being completely honest and remorseful. He has yet to lie about any of it. He could have not told me any of it at all, but he couldn't even leave the state without calling me and telling me how he messed up. So I know this is possible, I know it's a long road, but where do you start?
My advice to you would be to really watch his actions. Don't be overly eager to forgive him, or do ANY of the heavy lifting to repair your marriage. I made the mistake of being the fixer, and outlining what had to be done. Eventually, he stopped thinking he had to do anything.

If he truly loves you and is remorseful, he will go to IC, deal with his pain and learn to cope with emotional trauma in a healthier, positive manner. He will be patient with you when you are hurting, he won't be exasperated when you are triggered, even years down the line.

Definitely go for IC also to get help dealing with your pain, and start educating yourself on what is acceptable/not in a marriage. I took on too much of the responsibility for my exH's behavior and I regret that.

While I sympathize with him over the pain of his BF's loss, he still put himself in the position to be compromised by the series of choices he made over those days. Not just the drinking, but the company he kept while in a heavily inebriated, vulnerable state.

I would be less judgemental of him if he were a single, childless man. Alcohol tends to bring out deeply controlled desires when people are uninhibited. I am so sorry you have to deal with this, I do not wish the pain of betrayal on my worst enemy. For me, reconciliation was more painful and harder to live with, than divorce, but I understand why you have to try, regardless of who you think he is. Good luck to you.
 

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I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I am so glad that you are rebuilding your marriage. Your marriage is definitely worth saving if he has been such a great man to you and your kids.

We are all human and when life throws us curve balls, we are wimps and cope very very poorly. He now has learned the hard way that drinking is not a good route to cope with grief. This will help both of you grow and absolutely affair proof your marriage for the next curve balls life is sure to throw your way. BOUNDARIES must be implemented. You probably didn't really need them in the past as trust was not broken, but it is very different now.

You know that sadly your husband doesn't cope well when a curve ball comes his way. The boundary of him not going anywhere unless you all go is a very good one. The drinking to self medicate is another boundary that must be implemented.

There will be more deaths coming up. That along with illness, loss of material things, natural disasters that may leave you in a financial bind etc. I hope none of those things happen, but **** does happen.

He is weak. He has poor boundaries. That all needs to change with time, knowledge, love and patience. He has a great partner to help him through all that.
 

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Hi kampeaches, I am sorry you are here today and hurting. As a fellow BS, I can tell you, you may never trust your husband 100% again, no matter how good a man you think he is now.

My circumstances were different though, so take my experience with a grain of salt. My first experience with being a BS (I had 3 with the same man b/c I was too damned forgiving, I really loved him and thought he loved me) was not as dramatic as yours.

I understand why you aren't considering divorce (2 children, and presumably your financial circumstances). Granted his infidelity happened when he was extremely vulnerable, but he still chose to get that drunk and go off alone with the woman.

Before all the drinkers (past/present) jump down my throat about my definite LACK of experience being blackout drunk
and not "understanding", consider why he was in the sole company of a "known homewrecker" in the first place, much less while in a drunken, emotionally vulnerable state. Where was everyone else?

Ok, so points for honesty, yucking up the details without prompting. My exH was supposedly an honest, upstanding "good" man who loved me. We were together for nearly 20 years, married just shy of 13. I loved him so much I was willing to forgive him the first 2 times b/c it was an EA. The 2nd time, he wanted to be "honest" and tell me before it became anything and wanted to do any and everything for me to stay. I regret wasting 10 years of my life on him, but we had no children to consider and admittedly, that was not the only rotten aspect of our marriage.

You are the one who has to live with the pain, constant distrust, reminders of his infidelity and resurgences at the most inopportune times. I think it was a good 5 years before I stopped panicking every time I heard him speaking about another woman too positively. I never trusted him after his first slip and although I was shocked, I wasn't at the same time that final betrayal.



My advice to you would be to really watch his actions. Don't be overly eager to forgive him, or do ANY of the heavy lifting to repair your marriage. I made the mistake of being the fixer, and outlining what had to be done. Eventually, he stopped thinking he had to do anything.

If he truly loves you and is remorseful, he will go to IC, deal with his pain and learn to cope with emotional trauma in a healthier, positive manner. He will be patient with you when you are hurting, he won't be exasperated when you are triggered, even years down the line.

Definitely go for IC also to get help dealing with your pain, and start educating yourself on what is acceptable/not in a marriage. I took on too much of the responsibility for my exH's behavior and I regret that.

While I sympathize with him over the pain of his BF's loss, he still put himself in the position to be compromised by the series of choices he made over those days. Not just the drinking, but the company he kept while in a heavily inebriated, vulnerable state.

I would be less judgemental of him if he were a single, childless man. Alcohol tends to bring out deeply controlled desires when people are uninhibited. I am so sorry you have to deal with this, I do not wish the pain of betrayal on my worst enemy. For me, reconciliation was more painful and harder to live with, than divorce, but I understand why you have to try, regardless of who you think he is. Good luck to you.
I like a lot of this but getting hammered doesn't always bring out controlled desires.

One woman who took advantage of me outweighed me by at least a hundred pounds and the other was a coworker I was never attracted to before or after.

Maybe OP's husband was giving in to controlled desires when drunk but it doesn't really sound like it from the information available and I can guarantee I had no desire to be with the women who did what they wanted when I was out of it.

I'm in full agreement about who you allow to be around you when you're vulnerable and I was actually wondering about his friends as well.
 

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Yes that is exactly what I'm asking. I love him and I know he loves me and we want to get through this. He's getting his help I need to get mine. Where do I start? What do I do? Do I stop asking questions? He is literally so honest with me all the time I don't know if I want to ask questions and hear the truth or if I just move on with information I know.

I think your situation is the best (if there is one) possible infidelity situation there is for reconciliation. It will still be very hard for you so I’m sorry that you are going through this.

I think you need to turn all that compassion, grace and understanding you are giving him back toward yourself. Stop questioning your needs and what you need to feel safe. If it makes you feel better to know more details, ask. If it makes you feel safe if he wrap himself in plastic wrap at night and do the hula while singing Diana Ross, well he owes it to you so tell him. It doesn’t matter what your needs are it’s his job to do what he needs to make you feel safe.

Get yourself into counseling, and let yourself have all the feelings you need to have. Allow yourself to take space from him when you need it and don’t apologize for it. You seem like you’re trying to be the strong fixer, who sees your husband as a separate entity from the one who did this. I think you can reconcile successfully, but you have to make peace with the fact it wasn’t some alternate person... your husband did this. It doesn’t matter if it was out of character or “not like him”, It WAS him. Accept that so that you can make peace with it. If you go around believing it was not the “real” him you’re never going to be able to accept and deal with the betrayal, and the betrayal is what hurts the most. This will surface and bite you for the long term of you use a rugsweeping viewpoint like “it wasn’t the REAL him”. All of our crappy pieces make up the real us, he happens to be immoral when he is drunk and grieving. Good to know.

On a side note, what kind of crappy friends let their piss faced, married with kids buddy go wandering off with the town rapist? I’d make sure never to have those people in my family’s life again.
 

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No matter what questions you ask...there will always be more that pop into your head. Do not let your H put a deadline on your questions or your pain.
 

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Is this thread killing flies with sledge hammers? OP is here asking for help, but what's left to say? He was drunk, he was mourning the loss of his friend, he was a way from home, his friends were there with him, the woman seduced him while he was inebriated, he quickly admitted to betraying his wife, and he'll possibly never do it again. What's left except for her to accept it and move on? (Not sarcasm)
 

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I like a lot of this but getting hammered doesn't always bring out controlled desires.

One woman who took advantage of me outweighed me by at least a hundred pounds and the other was a coworker I was never attracted to before or after.

Maybe OP's husband was giving in to controlled desires when drunk but it doesn't really sound like it from the information available and I can guarantee I had no desire to be with the women who did what they wanted when I was out of it.

I'm in full agreement about who you allow to be around you when you're vulnerable and I was actually wondering about his friends as well.
I'm sorry you had that experience, but I can only comment based on what kampeaches said and my own experience.

Maybe I made it sound more salacious than intended, with the tern "uncontrolled desires". Those aren't necessarily sexual, it can be as simple as feeling trapped by the responsibilities of life i.e. being a husband and father, and maybe sole earner/breadwinner, etc.
 

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Hello all. My husband and I have been together 13.5 years married for 7. His best friend died 2 weeks ago and my husband became depressed and started drinking more. Well last week was the funeral/celebration of life and my husband had to go out of state to attend. He had a horrible airline experience and basically drank from Monday at the airport until Thursday morning. He was at the celebration of life with his other friends and got so drunk he went home with a girl he met there and from what he can remember she gave him a bj and then he remembers kind of having sex, but stopping it. He says he didn't ejaculate and he regrets it cheating. He told me within 5 hours of it happening. We agreed to work on our marriage and he is seeking counseling and substance abuse counseling. I want to get over this but I need help. How do you move passed this? I was so numb when he first told me and slowly I've been feeling sad, angry but I can't stop myself from asking questions he doesn't know the answers too. He is so remorseful, loving to me still, wants to do whatever I want for our marriage. I want to put it passed me, help!
OK, here goes...
1. Make sure he follows up on counseling and substance abuse
2. You need IC to work on your grief. His betrayal, regardless of the circumstances, has left you in a gamma of emotions and these emotions need professional help to get sorted through in order to save your relationship.
3. Be patient with yourself. You need time to process everything that has transpired. You are fixing your relationship. Make it worth while by being patient with yourself like you are understanding of your husband's shortcomings right now. You need as much counseling as he does. Don't neglect yourself!
 

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Is this thread killing flies with sledge hammers? OP is here asking for help, but what's left to say? He was drunk, he was mourning the loss of his friend, he was a way from home, his friends were there with him, the woman seduced him while he was inebriated, he quickly admitted to betraying his wife, and he'll possibly never do it again. What's left except for her to accept it and move on? (Not sarcasm)
She doesn't have to accept it and move on. She could decide to end the relationship, if she wanted to.
 

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I'm sorry you had that experience, but I can only comment based on what kampeaches said and my own experience.
Yeah. There is nothing quite like waking up the next day and loathing yourself for what you realize happened the night before.

The big girl happened when I was at a party with my friends but they were out of it as well and I had a reputation so they probably didn't give me a second thought.

Nothing quite like not being able to move because you are numb and having someone, you do NOT want, taking her time with you.😵

I hadn't had any more than passing conversations with the coworker. My then girlfriend/now wife broke up with me and I was distraught so I brilliantly went out and got hammered. I went where a lot of coworkers hung out and one made sure I got home but the problem is it wasn't my home...

One of the worst moments of my life was the cold feeling in my core when I woke up the next day and realized what happened.

It doesn't sound like OP's husband really wanted it from what I can glean and I know from experience that men can be taken without being able to give consent.

I did learn to never become vulnerable in certain situations again.
 

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I think the specific help she is asking for is "how do I get over it?" She wants to stay with her H.

The only thing that's going to help you is 1) time and 2) your H's actions.

Nothing we say here can affect either of those things. We can only encourage you to make sure you get what you need from your H to satisfy #2 above.

It typically takes 2-5 years to "get over" infidelity. In your case, it might be shorter than that due to the nature of the beast. He didn't love this woman, wasn't in his normal state of mind. But you can't waive a wand and get over it. It's a slow, gradual process only you can feel for yourself.
 
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