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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all. My husband and I have been together 13.5 years married for 7. His best friend died 2 weeks ago and my husband became depressed and started drinking more. Well last week was the funeral/celebration of life and my husband had to go out of state to attend. He had a horrible airline experience and basically drank from Monday at the airport until Thursday morning. He was at the celebration of life with his other friends and got so drunk he went home with a girl he met there and from what he can remember she gave him a bj and then he remembers kind of having sex, but stopping it. He says he didn't ejaculate and he regrets it cheating. He told me within 5 hours of it happening. We agreed to work on our marriage and he is seeking counseling and substance abuse counseling. I want to get over this but I need help. How do you move passed this? I was so numb when he first told me and slowly I've been feeling sad, angry but I can't stop myself from asking questions he doesn't know the answers too. He is so remorseful, loving to me still, wants to do whatever I want for our marriage. I want to put it passed me, help!
 

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It will be very hard to get past this. I mean meeting and then having sex with someone you met at a funeral? The funeral of your best friend? It's pretty sick.
It will take a very long time to deal with this, the trust has been shattered, plus he has shown that he cant be trusted being away from home or when he drinks.
The first thing he must do is get tests for STD's. He will need a test now and again in a few weeks I believe. Don't have sex till you have had all results.
In your place I would want the drinking to stop totally. Does he usually drink a lot? Substance abuse counselling will hopefully help with that, but normal counselling won't change the fact that he thought it was ok to committ adultery. That was down to his lack of integrity.
If you don't think he is telling the full truth then you could request that he takes a lie detector test. Often people will be more truthful once they are booked in for that. Has he told you who it was?

This is so recent, many say it takes 2-3 years to be able to get a marriage back on track after cheating, so don't expect a quick fix. Rebuilding trust is a very long process. You may both benefit from marriage counselling.

If you need it ask for a time of separation, it will give you the time and space to think and reflect and will also mean that he realizes there are serious consequences to what he did. Do you have children?
 

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So sorry @kampeaches that you are here. I know this is hurtful but your WH came clean very quickly and seems remorseful.
He has however major problems with alcohol and boundaries.
As for yourself you need to see if he is doing all the work necessary to show he is remorseful and he is becoming a better H so that he will never do this again or put himself in such a position.
You will go through a grieving cycle which is perfectly normal, you will be devastated, angry, etc but if he does the work necessary to help you heal you can both get through this.
I would suggest you get some individual counselling to help yourself and consider having your WH lead the recovery process.
 

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A lot of people will likely tell you that you MUST divorce him immediately. Only you can make that decision and hopefully the advice is to help you cope and help you to make the best decision for YOU. He messed up big time but that doesn't mean you can't get beyond it if that's what you decide is best. Whatever your decision, it's going to be a long road to rebuild your life inside or outside the marriage. I wish you the strength to get through this.
 

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I mean meeting and then having sex with someone you met at a funeral? The funeral of your best friend? It's pretty sick.
I think this is pretty common. There's obviously a lot of emotion when someone dies like that. A shared sense of sorrow can often bring people together like this. Your own husband or wife may not have had a strong bond to the departed (seems to be the case here) so there could be powerful feelings when two people are going through the same sorrow and others in their life can't really understand.

This is in no way an excuse but I don't think it's constructive to just label it as "sick". I doubt that it was a matter of him eyeing up someone at a funeral and looking for a good time or using the funeral to get laid. Just like he wasn't drinking to "party" or have a good time during this either.
 

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Alcohol is not an excuse. He chose to drink, he chose the consequences.

Your next actions depend on your personality. I wonder what would happen if you told him that you are going to "sort of" have sex with a man to level the playing field. And you're going to make sure he goes down on you. I'm not suggesting that you do it.

You have a major problem on your hands. If you're having mind movies about him getting a blowjob and having sex (which he likely completed unless the alcohol induced a case of limberitis), your road to recovery and forgiveness could be long and hard. The work to save the marriage may not be worth the reward. Don't pass this off lightly.
 

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I think this is pretty common. There's obviously a lot of emotion when someone dies like that. A shared sense of sorrow can often bring people together like this. Your own husband or wife may not have had a strong bond to the departed (seems to be the case here) so there could be powerful feelings when two people are going through the same sorrow and others in their life can't really understand.

This is in no way an excuse but I don't think it's constructive to just label it as "sick". I doubt that it was a matter of him eyeing up someone at a funeral and looking for a good time or using the funeral to get laid. Just like he wasn't drinking to "party" or have a good time during this either.
I doubt it's common but if it is then that's so disrespectful for the one who died and their family.
 

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Do you have kids?

If not, I personally would divorce if this happened in my life

There are many people who would stay with someone who had a hook up and many people who would not stay with someone who had a hook up. Only you know which one you are.

There are millions of men in the world who, when faced with the loss of a friend and a "bad airline experience", don't drink to excess and decide to get into a sexual situation with another woman. I want one of those men to be my husband.
 

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It would help to find out why he came clean. I would be concerned that people witnessed it, or that someone threatened him with exposure, so he got in first. Given it was his best friend, lots of people there knew him.

If this didn’t happen, then you have a very honest man full of regret.

I was the other woman once when I was single, I had my first and only physical incident after a lengthy emotional affair. I was blackout drunk but unfortunately I remember all of it. Guilt and doing the worst thing made my memory even sharper.

So to get past this, you maybe could decide if you want all the truth or not. And decide then what to do with the truth?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
First thank you for the advice. My husband is a wonderful man and seriously has been the best husband up until now. He told me because he doesn't lie, it's not his personality at all. He has and will probably be 100% truthful all the time. He is a very attractive man and he actually pays attention to people and will talk and get along with everyone, which some people do take as flirting. The thing that bothers me about this situation is that the woman was sober. He doesn't remember passed a certain point in the night and he is definitely not using any excuses to make this better. He straight told me he doesn't know why it happened. And I do know he knows it's from drinking way to much. I think he was taken advantage of. Like this girl say a really drunk man and drove him to her apartment and tried to have sex with but he was so drunk he couldn't.
 

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I want to put it passed me, help!
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's so painful that it's natural to just want to all go away, but that won't fix things. Sure, you'll be able to pretend all is well for a while, but it will come back to bite you. They call it rugsweeping, and that never ends well. It has to be dealt with, and unfortunately, dealing with it usually takes a good deal of time and effort.

This is a good forum though. Lots of good people here. Most won't sugarcoat anything, but the advice is meant to help not hurt.
 

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It doesn’t sound like he is making excuses but I think your last post is filled with you making excuses for him. I understand this, you’re in shock and it’s a normal reaction given the horrible situation you’re facing. Be kind to yourself, but don’t cover up his act. Ok it’s happened, getting past it will take time, you’re probably in the denial phase of grief. All very normal.
 

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Exactly what @Luckylucky said. If we're wrong and you're not in denial, it sounds like everything is good now. How can we help?
 

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Hello, I am sorry you are here.

Before I talk about your situation, I wanted to give you my background here. I came to this forum years ago, because I am a husband that had a one night stand in similar circumstances. There was a lot of alcohol involved, there was a sense of mortality, and loss, and a lot of feelings that helped create thoughts of selfishness and a fear that life was passing me by. I cannot really tell what your husband was feeling, but I can see how the situation could create similar thoughts.

That was 9 years ago. My wife and I are still married, and very happy together. It took a lot of work and a lot of rebuilding to get here, but here we are.

It is a good sign that he told you right away. There will be a lot of opinions here of why he did it, but none of us know you or your husband, so trust yourself to figure out the truth and don't let this place poison your thoughts.

If they had sex, he needs to get tested for STD's. He should not balk at that either, it sucks, it is embarrassing, and it is what he needs to do. He also needs to be willing to tell anyone and everyone the truth that you want. It is not a secret he gets to keep if you want your parents or his parents or whoever to know.

If you are part of a church or organization, I recommend you speak to someone there about it as well.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I am an open book and will do what I can to help.
 

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First thank you for the advice. My husband is a wonderful man and seriously has been the best husband up until now. He told me because he doesn't lie, it's not his personality at all. He has and will probably be 100% truthful all the time. He is a very attractive man and he actually pays attention to people and will talk and get along with everyone, which some people do take as flirting. The thing that bothers me about this situation is that the woman was sober. He doesn't remember passed a certain point in the night and he is definitely not using any excuses to make this better. He straight told me he doesn't know why it happened. And I do know he knows it's from drinking way to much. I think he was taken advantage of. Like this girl say a really drunk man and drove him to her apartment and tried to have sex with but he was so drunk he couldn't.
So he is blaming the woman. That isn't taking responsibility nor being repentant. He was taken advantage of? Come on now.
I appreciate that most cheated on spouses like to put most the blame on the 'terrible wicked' other person but he made the decision to go back to her place knowing what was going to happen drunk or not. He made the decision to carry on drinking for 4 days.
 

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Also, do not make her the bad guy here. I am not saying she is a good person, but she made no vows to you.

Any blame you put on her, absolves him of responsibility. I was stumbling drunk and knowingly made choices that led to direct outcomes, do not give him that excuse.
 

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Also, do not make her the bad guy here. I am not saying she is a good person, but she made no vows to you.

Any blame you put on her, absolves him of responsibility. I was stumbling drunk and knowingly made choices that led to direct outcomes, do not give him that excuse.
Yes.

OP, your husband was aware enough to remember what happened enough to tell you. Drunk or not, he still thought it was okay to be that close to another woman. It didn't feel wrong to him. It's not like he had amnesia and forgot who he was and who you were.
 
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